


to all the glowing eyes

by weekdaygladers



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Normal High School, Anxiety, Best Friends, Depression, First Love, Friends to Lovers, Gay, High School, LGBTQ Themes, Love Triangles, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 82
Words: 99,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22166407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weekdaygladers/pseuds/weekdaygladers
Summary: josh finds someone's diary at school and reads it
Relationships: Awsten Knight/Tyler Joseph, Josh Dun/Brendon Urie, Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Comments: 41
Kudos: 63
Collections: Joshler





	1. september 16

**Author's Note:**

> this is quite unedited, forgive me

diary;

first of all this is a dumb idea. why am i, a guy, writing my thoughts and feelings in one of these? i mean, fuck gender stereotypes but still. i don't have any reason to write in you.

so it's pretty plausible that i might just write bullcrap in here. to not just have you laying around unused.

from all the movies and tv shows that have girls writing in diaries, it mostly means that they have some really interesting things on their mind. but not me.

i'm as boring as watching the paint dry.

yeah, i have no idea what else to write.

i'll give you a name though. it will feel a lot more like i am talking to a friend and less like i am insane seriously what am i doing it's not like i am speaking to tom riddle or anything...or am i? who knows.

anyway, you'll be called....um....will. i don't known why that name came to my head.

that's all i guess. for now at least.

bye.

t.r.j.

* * *

josh couldn't help but laugh at the paper in front of him. it is ridiculous that he is reading some random person's journal and it turns out to be a dude's.

the little notebook doesn't really give it away. it's a standard black journal with nothing in either covers. the edges of the pages are red, which gives the journal a cool aesthetic look.

he found it in the backside of the school grounds. it was just laying around like that. he could've taken it to lost and found but, well he is too curious to find out whose it is. he does feel a slight feeling of guilt reading it, but he ignores it.

he closes the journal and puts it in his backpack. he definitely wants to read more of it.


	2. september 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still unedited

will;

honestly, i have forgotten that you exist. i found you in the bottom of my bag this morning, and it reminded me to write something on you.

as of right now, i'm highly considering going to therapy. talking with someone about what goes on inside my head doesn't seem as far fetched as it seemed a year ago. i want to do it voluntarily, willingly.

my mental health is just a mess. i don't know if i should trust my mind anymore. everything is dark in there. nothing is happy anymore. the world is a dull grey. all the thoughts are dark and lead to an endless spiral of overthinking and depersonalization.

i used to feel happy. i used to like being surrounded by people. i used to feel safe. i used to feel good... but that's all far gone.

i want to talk about this with someone. no no, i _need_ to. it's eating me alive. but i don't trust anyone. what if they laugh at me? they could say i'm making it up. and i would apologize and apologize over and over and over..

i'd cry all the time.

it's not like i don't do that enough already.

hopefully it goes away. i really want it to go away. i _need_ it to go away. i wanna feel happy again. i wanna feel something that isn't eternal sadness. i wanna _feel_. i wanna _feel_ something again.

i'm not being stupid, am i?

no.

well, _maybe_.

after all, i'm talking about this with a diary. with you. it's not like you are gonna talk to me. this is stupid and useless. why am i still writing? forget it. i shouldn't have written anything else.

bye. for good.

t.r.j.

* * *

josh rereads the entry over and over again. he is worried for the person who wrote this. he seems in too much pain.

he hasn't experienced any mental health issues himself, but his old childhood friend suffered from depression. he absolutely hated seeing him in such pain.

he closes the journal and just stares at his bedroom's ceiling. he still has those glow in the dark stars there. he put them on with said friend and since then, those starts have been up there on the light blue painted bedroom.

"holy christ," he whispers to himself.

now he feels bad for laughing yesterday. this person desperately needs help. and he just thought that they were crazy.

he flips through the whole journal. he hopes to find the person's name and not just the initials. or at least find a familiar name, address or phone number. something. _anything_.

sadly, josh doesn't seem to recognize anything. all apparent names are crossed out or are in asterisks. he groans, pissed off at the person. "you really didn't want people to know who you are, huh t.r.j.?" he asks at the nothingness.

"i'll try to figure you out."


	3. september 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a semi sad story, btw. thought y'all would like to know

will;

i lied.

i'm back here.

how funny, huh?

a hopeless boy with a messed up mind resorts to a diary to cry about his problems. oh well. i have no tangent so bare with me.

have you ever felt lonely? cause i have. it's the fucking worst. i feel like no one cares. people are here with me but they're not _here_.

they're fooled by my fake smiles and seemingly happy life.

you have no idea how many of my classmates have passed me by while i had a anxiety attack and thought i just ran and was getting my normal breathing pattern back, how many teachers have asked us to do poetry and i just do it as a cry for help and they dismiss it... i can go on.

will i be forgotten? if i leave?

probably.

to most people i'm just another face in the yearbook. my family does love me and cares, but not the way i need them to.

i don't have any friends to talk with. only acquaintances. that's not the same.

i'm truly alone. someone else in the world might feel the same but they don't have the guts to say it aloud. they keep it to themselves, like me.

there _is_ a tiny bit of hope. a junior in my world history class.

he always makes me smile. genuinely smile.

i have never spoken a word to him. i'm too shy to do it. and i feel like the other juniors will laugh at me. after all, what is a sophomore like me doing in a junior class? i'm not sure.

he is probably in the football team. or baseball. or soccer. he looks like an athlete. but he does have the look of being in the art club, maybe band. nothing scientific, for sure.

he has a tattoo already; and piercings too. his hair is a beautiful shade of brown and curly as well.

i don't know his name.

i wish i did.

does he feel the way i do?

lonely? sad? empty? dead inside? like life has no purpose anymore?

no.

he looks _happy_.

but again so do i and look at me.

i'm better than this. i'm better than this mess...right? i'm much more than this. my depression and anxiety hold me down to the ground now, but at a point i was high enough to touch the clouds.

i hope i can touch the clouds again. maybe not alone.

i have to go. world history is starting soon. i hope he is there.

bye.

t.r.j.

* * *

josh doesn't know how react to this entry.

he is a junior. and he is in world history.

could it be him? no. that's a narcissist thought. it's probably brendon or pete. yeah. it couldn't be him. nobody notices him.

for once, he relates to the person.

tomorrow he'll go to class and look out for him. he wants to know who he is. he wants to help. he wants to make sure he knows that they're not alone.


	4. september 27

will;

i did not see the boy during class. maybe he skipped class. people always do that. i wish i had the guts to.

the whole thing made me a little sad.

but that's fine. it's the normal kind of sad, not "oh my god, do i wanna die" sad. there's a difference.

it feels so different. it's so..different. i don't think there's another word to describe it so accurately.

i can work with this sadness. i can look at pictures of puppies or think about him and it'll go away.

anyhow, life at home isn't great. my dad has been pretty..mad at something. i've no idea what it is or why he's mad at the thing. it's probably a thing from work. it's always work.

mom has started to notice it too i believe. she has been careful with her every move, even when we're alone and dad isn't home yet.

my mind obviously drifts to thoughts like divorce or something like that.

it doesn't help my case much. according to many research papers i've read at 3 am, divorce often messes up the kids emotionally and mentally. if they do end up getting divorced, i'd be on the edge all the time. anxiety levels would be through the roof.

on a happier note, i think i just saw the boy walk in. he looks pretty tired. his friends must be telling each other jokes because he laughs at something they say.

his laugh is beautiful. it's not too deep like any other guy's, not too high like a girl's. it's.. _perfect_.

holy crap.

do i...do i like him?

t.r.j.

* * *

the entry ends there and leaves josh confused. why did t.r.j. end like that?

if they were writing in class and had to stop midway, they wouldn't have signed their initials at the end.

the choice of words they used to describe this guy's laugh and personality as a whole, seems oddly reminiscent of someone who has a crush. 

josh decides to not read the next until tomorrow. after all, it makes it feel like he's inside this person's mind and get the feeling of connection. "okay this is really messing me up," he whispers to himself and puts the journal back in his backpack for the day.


	5. september 28

will;

i have so much homework to do but here i am: hiding in my bathroom, writing in you whilst stress-eating oreos.

dad is away in a business trip, mom is at some event. which means i'm home alone 'til tomorrow. that's not a good thing. i feel bored and lonely.

if i had any friends i would invite them. but i've got none.

anyway, there's no one but me here and i'm hiding. why? i'm not sure. i'm just not in the mood to see all of my books and notes all around my room. the bathroom is almost like a safespace right now.

i saw the boy today. he looked different. different good.

his hair is shorter, he was smiling more than usual. he also kept talking to this girl all class. i could feel their whispers to each other on my back even though they sit in the opposite side of the room. it gave me chills.

the girl's name is..collette? i think? she's an exchange student from france. she's really sweet but she could secretly be a horrible person.

they looked so happy with each other.

i got jealous. i still am.

i haven't even spoken to either and i already hate that they're having a great time.

he's really cute when he smiles. that smile..oh god, it's a gift from heaven.

the girl is pretty good looking too. her hair is auburn, her eyes are a shade of blue-ish green. no wonder why he likes her.

it's ridiculous, isn't it?

me talking about the two people i find attractive. the sugar from the cookies is affecting me now.

did i write about that yesterday? if not, well, i've come to terms with it. kind of. it's not easy to realize. and with all the variations..it's hard to point to what it is.

oh well.

i'm

t.r.j.

* * *

"you cannot do this to me," josh complains and closes the journal.

it's the second entry that ends in such a cliffhanger. the word appears to be erased beyond recognition. not even the print to the page in the back makes sense. he could figure out what it's about, but he isn't sure about it.

he knows collette. she's one of his close friends. he still wonders who could collette be friends with that has a heavenly smile and is in that world history class.

it's a mystery to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> josh is too clueless for his own good


	6. september 29

will;

it's almost midnight and honestly, i've never felt more dead inside

i stayed up all night yesterday doing the homework i avoided doing all afternoon. i finished at around 2 am, so i only slept for 3 hours cause of insomnia and overthinking . it's a real pain in the ass.

i wish i could say i slept during my non-eventful afternoon, but that's not the case. i watched _parks & rec_ instead of sleeping. do i regret it? yes and no.

mom and dad aren't home yet, by the way. other teenagers would throw a party, i think i said this yesterday oh well, but not me.

i hate being this lonely.

i feel like i'm missing out in so many things.

am i supposed to be out there living life? am i? i hope not..

life is scary.

i'm scared of it.

i'm scared of death too.

these bad thoughts are messing me up. why must my mind be like this? there is no need for these awful thoughts to be haunting me constantly.

as much as i'd want it to be fake, i'm not as happy as other teens. i'm sad 90% of the time and it's mostly the sadness that just weighs me down.

it hurts, you know?

it really hurts.

nothing matters when depression hits me.

maybe that's why i reach for the boy's happiness. my mind probably thinks that it can get some from him. but it doesn't work like that.

he looks so happy. he probably _is_ that happy. i want to be his friend so bad.

but oh boy, i'm too anxious about talking to him. he would hate me instantly.

did i ever mention that i stutter a lot whenever i'm nervous? yeah i'm a mess.

i hate this. i hate this. i h a te thi s.

**t.r.j.**

* * *

josh notices that the signature was scribbled on with a different kind of ink. normally the entries are written with black pen, but this one is more marker like. and he doesn't even have to think hard about that.

the lighting of his room leaves it pretty clear.

t.r.j.'s handwriting is really shaky when they talk about their mental health. the signature looks cleaner than the rest of the page.

"what the... what happened?" he asks himself.

he cannot stop his curiosity before turning the page. the entry continues there. but it's a lot darker than they usually are. he isn't even sure if he should read it. "who cares," he whispers to himself and begins to read the continuation.


	7. september 29 pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> possible trigger warnings for mentions of death and suicide. also super unedited

... but there's hope.

there _is_ hope.

he makes me feel safe.

okay okay.

maybe i can do this. yeah. i will go up to him and say hi. that's a start.

right?

i wish it was that easy.

his presence alone intimidates me.  
  
  


death is weird, you know?

like, you die. there is nothing left for you after that. you stop existing, you stop living. you aren't able to do the things you used to enjoy anymore: listen to an artist's new or old music, see a sunset, appreciate the beauty of the world...

is depression similar to death?

besides the not being, you know, alive, of course.

you stop doing what you love because you physically, mentally and emotionally cannot find joy in those things. you feel like you are just there, but not serving any purpose. a ghostlike presence almost.

everything is sadness, and it hurts. it seems to be eternal. it consumes you in any way it can. some people cannot get out of bed, others go out but are dull and gloomy compared to the rest.

it's one of the worst weights someone can carry on their shoulders.

and it's not a thing that comes and leaves at will.

it's not like you can talk to it and make it go away.

people always seem to think that. they don't give importance to mental health. they brush it off and say "stop being sad" for depression, "talk to people and make more friends" for social anxiety, "you're just moody" for bipolar disorders... i could go on and on.

it's all a call for attention according to them. it's all just a way of getting others to notice you.

but the day that person they told all those things to commits suicide, they act as if they didn't know all along. "they were so strong! i'm so sad" they say. bullshit.

the only goddamn day they care about mental health is the day the person is **_ACTUALLY DEAD_**. their 'kind' words aren't even gonna get to them.

i'm sick of that.

death plays a similar role.

it's something people ignore constantly until someone they pushed to their breaking point gets it; their friend, their co-worker, their families...

they inflicted too much sadness or pain or whatever in that person. and they couldn't hold on any longer.  
  
  
  


i wonder...will i ever get that far?

will i ever get to the point of seriously considering suicide as an option?

i'm not sure at this point.

i know people wonder if anyone will care if they die and it's always used in movies or tv shows and it's cliché by now...but would anyone care if _i_ died?

i doubt it.

t.r.j.

* * *

"i care..." josh says with his eyes full of tears. he closes the book abruptly and shakes his head, hoping that the tears go away. but they come down his face nonetheless.

he begins to sob quietly.

he has never _truly_ understood the impact of mental health. sure, he's seen it first hand because of his best friend but he's never seen the raw side of it.

all those words that t.r.j. writes hurt him in a way he has never been hurt in before.

he looks back at the journal sitting on the other side of his bed. his vision is blurry from the tears.

"i care, i really care," he repeats over and over.

even after a couple of entries in, josh has developed an emotional dependency on this journal. he wants to help the person who wrote this so bad. he wants to help. he wants to get them out of their dark, troubled mind.

"i will find you. i promise."


	8. october 1

will;

i'm gay.

well at least i think i am.

i spent all day yesterday thinking about it and that's why i couldn't write anything. my mind was spiraling off into so many thoughts.

i'm 90% sure i'm gay.

but i still like girls.

but i don't see myself in certain scenarios with a female partner.

i looked stuff up and holy crap is this rabbit hole deep. there is so much terminology for a lot of sexualities.

from what i've gathered, i'm panromantic homosexual. it's a weird thing. let me explain.

pan is basically saying that i fall in love with anyone, no matter their gender or sexuality, etc. that's when the 'romantic' part comes in. homosexual on the other hand, means that i only get sexually attracted to boys or those who identify as male.

it's a little complicated and i explained it horribly. but my point is, i like boys and girls, in different ways but still.

this explains why i feel attracted to the boy and collette at the same time...?

maybe?

i'm not quite sure.

i just know that i fall in love with people and just wanna have sex with boys.

ok? ok.

t.r.j.

* * *

josh stares blankly at the page for a solid minute or two.

the way t.r.j. was so open to write about their sexuality surprises him a little. even if they are open about everything else.

being bisexual himself, he feels a little bit of the connection with them.

"so you're really into boys, huh?" he chuckles to himself, yet again, alone in his room.

his mind drifts off into thinking who the boy could be. he sees so many faces around school every day...

focusing on the world history class should be the best start. the entries seem to be from the past few weeks so the boy _must_ still be in the class.

josh closes the journal and puts it on his backpack, behind his notebooks so it is somewhat secure. he knows he'll find the boy. he just has to look a little deeper.


	9. october 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> possible trigger warnings for mentions of death, depression and heavy descriptions of mental health in general.

will;

i hate myself.

so much.

i crave death so badly...

my day went normal. nothing too good or too bad. it was okay.

but out of nowhere, this huge wave of sadness and overthinking and just all these horrible things hits me and everything is ruined.

nothing is worth it anymore.

i truly have **_no one._**

my parents think i'm **shit** , i have no friends.. i only have you. and i'm not complaining, you're the only person..thing..who i can talk this openly about anything. maybe it has to do with the fact that you're a diary and you cannot give me any sort of feedback. i can just talk and talk and talk...

although, now that i think about it, you're **not** the only person.

this might sound crazy, cause i am i mean look at me, but i _swear_ that whenever i write in you, there's a presence next to me. i'm not sure what it is. it could be guilt or something, i don't know.

the other day, when i was talking about death, i'm sure i felt someone looking over me. it felt really weird.

and then the thoughts just became worse and worse.  
  
  
  


am i going crazy?  
  
  
  
  


h a ve i los t m y miN d yEt ¿  
  
  
  


i hope not.

anyway, back to me wanting to die, um yeah. i've come to the point of fantasizing about all these different scenarios where i die in various ways. the most recurring one is where i get hit by a car. or jumping off a roof.

this is really morbid oh god.  
  
  


no, you know what?

i don't care if it sound morbid or too dark. it's what i'm thinking and i can tell you whatever the hell i want.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


i've lost my m  
i 

....

nd.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


that idea of i had the other day doesn't sound as far fetched as before.  
  
  
  


i hate this.  
  
  
  


i hate myself.  
  


i hate everything.  
  
  


i wanna die.  
  
  
  
  
  


**I WANT TO DIE AND LEAVE THIS AWFUL PLACE.**   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


i have lost my mind.  
  
  
  
  


i'm a **mess**. i hate myself.  
  
  


okay okay, calm down. think happy things.............

..........  
...........  
  


.....................

......

i've got nothing.  
  
  
  


please leave me alone.

 **please**.

i don't wanna be like this.  
  
  
  
  


i want to be happy.  
  
  
  


i really want to be **happy**.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


bother someone else... PLEASE.  
  


....  
  


i can't do this anymore.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


if i don't write again...you know what happened.  
  
  
  
  


 **bother someone else..** **_please_ ** **. i'm** **_begging_ ** **you.**  
  
  


you already have my will to live, my happiness, everything good i had left on me...what else do you want?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


torture. someone. **_else_**.  
  
  


t.r.j.

* * *

this entry... josh cannot believe what a mess of writing, dark notes and death related doddles this is.

so many thing are in marker and others are in the normal pen. the large spaces between paragraphs, or even between the words themselves, concern him.

"josh, are you alright?" a female voice asks him.

he looks up from the black journal and sees collette sitting next to him. he looks around and the classroom is filling up with other people.

"um..yeah," he lies and puts the journal back on his backpack, "i'm fine."

collette tilts her head, "what were you reading?"

"nothin'."

he spots a small boy walking in from the corner of his eye. the boy goes to his seat quickly, he doesn't make eye contact with anyone.

josh notices he looks traumatized...or scared.

the dark circles under his eyes and his baggy grey hoodie give away a scared vibe.

"you sure?" collette insists.

"yes. i guess i'm just...a little distracted."


	10. october 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> possible trigger warning for mentions of death, suicide and mental health descriptions

will;

what if i tell someone?

would it hurt?

would it make it better?

would it make me better?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


i'm scared.

i always am.

who isn't?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


i've been feeling off these days. i just don't seem interested in doing anything anymore. i don't give a damn about homework. i don't give a damn about my future. i don't give a damn about the world.

i only care about them.

they make it better.

him specifically.

she's alright, but he has...something...that makes it better.  
  
  
  


i know i said i don't have any friends, i do but they're not my friends. more like acquaintances. we do talk, not as openly as i talk to you.

earlier today they made this groupchat thing, and everyone started to non-stop spam the chat. i felt so overwhelmed. i couldn't keep up.

i muted them. i can't handle that much stress and anxiety.

one of the people in the chat asked me separately if i was okay. i simply replied with "yeah. i just don't feel like talking today". in reality, i want to talk with someone so bad.

i want help.

i need help.

don't get me wrong, you're great. but i want feedback. i want someone to nod along and _listen_ to me. i want them to suggest solutions or accompany me in my pain.

anyway, they replied with "ok cool" and went off to the groupchat to continue their rambling.

that day i felt this pain in my chest and in my head. it was probably my depression or just the sadness of not being able to communicate without having a mental breakdown.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


would they mind?  
  
  
  
  
  
  


i've been thinking about a lot lately.  
  
  
  
  


would they mind if i do it?  
  
  
  
  
  
  


i'm sad.

i'm really sad.

i'm always sad.

i'll always be sad.

it's become a trait at this point.  
  
  


t.r.j.

* * *

a cry for help. an actual cry for help.

josh's soul hurts with every word he continues to read.

he hurts so bad.

but his hurting is something that can be dealt with, something he can brush off and continue his normal life.

"jesus christ," he murmurs to himself as he gets out his laptop and opens google. he quickly types 'mental illnesses like depression' on the search bar. yes, he'll be one of those people.

the endless pages of videos and news and many, many articles overwhelm him. he takes a deep breath and begins to read what the first page has to say about it.


	11. october 4

will;

i am so happy!!

well, to some extent i am.

i finally got the boy's name!! i walked past him and his friends during lunch and i heard all the other guys call him .

, that's a pretty name.

a beautiful name.

i like it.

i do have to admit, i started to fantasize about many things. mostly pure, cute things.  
  
  
  
  


i think i'm falling for him.

yes. i am. i like him a lot. i really do.

i like .

t.r.j.

* * *

"what?! that's it? are you serious?" josh yells at the journal in front of him on the desk. he groans in frustration and closes it out of rage. "i can't even see the name. why did you erase it? this is stupid."

he rubs his tired eyes trying to get the sleepiness out of him. he stayed up all night reading about depression, depersonalization, anxiety, adhd, bipolar disorder and many more things that he saw in the articles he found. he wasn't aware of how many things a person could be suffering from.

despite the anger he feels outside, he feels something completely different inside. he feels warm and nice and soft. mostly soft. reading entries like this one makes him appreciate the little things in life and want to kiss someone but not in the act of wanting sex afterwards, he wants to kiss someone to prove his love for that person.

_am i falling for him?_

this question bugs his mind. he has become attached to the boy's life, but that's as far as he had gone. this is different. he wants to be with the boy, he wants to take care of him and make his problems go away. he wants to hold him and be there for him whenever he feels sad. he wants to help him. he wants to be the boys...boyfriend.

"i need to find you."


	12. october 5

will;

is so cute!

he's so freaking cute.

he's the cutest thing in the world.

he makes me so happy.

he makes me so so so so so so happy.

i want him to be my boyfriend.

but i'm such a coward i can't even look at him without feeling mr. anxiety creep in.

can i just talk about ho,w great he is for a moment? ok thanks.

he is so handsome.

his smile still makes me weak. his laugh is as angelic as ever. his eyes are so beautiful, the most beautiful hazel eyes i've seen. his hands...oh god, his hands! his arms overall...jesus christ.

his whole body is so perfect.

his personality... he is so nice and kind and sweet and cute and adorable and pure....i cannot find the words to describe it... it's hard to describe perfection.

wait, let me look it up.

yup. he is ethereal.

that's my new favorite word.

is so ethereal.

god i wish i was brave enough to talk to him.

he is an actual angel on earth.

i think he is on the soccer team...? maybe? or was it the basketball one? i forgot, but i wanna go watch him play sometime! i know the season ends pretty early because of cold months and such so it would be nice to catch a game or two.

i am seriously hoping that he's not collette's boyfriend or something. that would ruin the whole thing.

i also don't know if he's straight or not. that's another problem. judging by the way he looks at boys' and girls' butts equally...i'm guessing he's not 100% straight.

has he ever looked at mine? i doubt it.

how on earth could i ever think i was straight? i'm 300% gay for and i don't even know him that well.

i want to know him so bad. i want to befriend him at least. that's the goal right now.  
  


to-do list:  
\- befriend him  
\- watch him play once or twice before the season ends

his to-do list:  
\- me  
  
  
  


oh my god. oh my god. i'm not even sorry for that last one.

okay that is all for now

t.r.j.  
  


* * *

josh is jealous. so so so jealous. whoever this person t.r.j is talking about, josh is very, oh so jealous of him.

he hates the way t.r.j. describes the guys and fantasizes about him in the way josh himself fantasizes about t.r.j.

if only he knew.


	13. october 6

will;

i hate my parents. i hate them so much.

it's only 5 pm and i'm already sobbing in my bathroom because of them. i don't think i've felt this bad about myself without depression before.

i want to leave.

this is definitely emotionally and mentally unhealthy for me. this house is so abusive of me. i might not get hit or anything as bad as other people but my mental health is decreasing by the moment.

all the self confidence or self esteem i used to have is more than long gone.

i look awful, i feel like trash...  
  


i want to run away.

  
they won't really notice i'm gone unless they pay close attention to me which they never do anyway. it's the answer to all my problems.

i can leave the city and get a job there. it will be like _the outsiders_ but more interesting. and better. and not involving murder. or death.

and there isn't much to leave behind. my acquaintances surely won't miss me. my parents will probably be relieved with the fact that i left.

i would leave behind though...

i don't want to leave him behind. i cannot ask him to come with me. he has a life of his own. he has family and friends who care about him. half of the school is in love with him so he surely will find a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever. besides, why would he want to run away with a loser like me?

i have nothing to offer him. no money or popularity or anything.

i just have you. and that's it. also those weird flashes of red/blue light but they don't count.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


so that's it then? i run away?

it's such a simple yet complicated answer to my predicament.

all i want is some good mental health and the feeling of being loved. i'm sure i won't find them here if i keep waiting.

i gotta keep moving. i'm not gonna sit around and wait for life to solve itself. i'm not some kind of fairy tale princess who does that.

yes, i will run away. not sure when but i will.

and if times get desperate...i can always sell my body to a sugar daddy.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


this got off track. sorry.

t.r.j.  
  


* * *

"no no no no no!" josh angrily yells at the journal. "you cannot do this to me! you cannot run away!"

he throws the journal across the room and gives in to the tears that arrived midway through the entry. his emotions have been all over the place with the last three days of entries. it's driving him crazy.

"you know what? i'm done!" he cleans the tears off his face with his sleeve and gets up to grab the journal from the floor. he takes a look at it and stuffs it in his backpack.

"i'll give you to lost & found tomorrow. i'm done with you playing with my damn emotions! you're making me lose my mind! you're making me question all i've known for years! you're changing me and i don't want that! i like how i was before! i like how naive and oblivious i used to be! this is the end, t.r.j. this is over!"


	14. october 7

josh has his mind set on leaving the black-red journal. he has to leave it. it's affecting him in a way he cannot even begin to describe.

and that's exactly why he's on his way to lost & found.

he has his headphones on, some song from his one of the playlists he has made for himself is playing loudly on them. nobody stops him to talk or anything since it's quite early and more people are yet to arrive.

he goes to the office and passes a small boy sitting on the waiting area. the boy catches his attention enough for him to take off the headphones and even let the music keep playing on them.

"hi," he begins the awkward but somewhat, hopefully, warm conversation.

the small brunette looks up from the floor, "h-hi."

"you're in my world history class, right?"

the boy nods quickly, "mhm.."

"i'm josh. nice to meet you," josh sits next to the boy, making him squirm a bit to the side.

"i'm-"

"mr. joseph! glad to see you came in today! shall we?" the counselor interrupts the brunette and motions him towards her office.

"s-s-sure," the boy gets up and follows the counselor, leaving josh behind with only a last name and nothing more.

he sits there, clueless of what to do next. an idea pops into his head and gets out the dreaded journal out and begins to read the next entry.

* * *

will;

you know what i find stupid? counseling. it's like therapy but worse.

i've decided to seek help and go to the counselor at my school but it was a huge mistake. it's only been one session and she's so annoying already.

she told me to tell her all i want about my personal life: my life at home, my friends, my feelings...you get the idea. i barely started to explain my anxiety and depression, which i had to mentally prepare myself to do all night prior to this mind you, when she interrupted me and began to say how i needed to let go of things and lift my spirits with happy things and surround myself with people that make me feel good.

no offense but what the hell?!

i barely said a word! i only said "well, i've self diagnosed myself with depression and anxiety since a while ago. i started to notice-..." and then she started ranting.

ugh.

you're seriously the only person i can talk to so freely.

i wanted feedback about my mind but not like this.

she even dared to say "you should record your emotions and thoughts ever day. like a journal or something similar to that!"

that's exactly what i'm doing! and it's not really helping much in the way i want it to!  
  
  
  


i'll have weekly sessions now and she promised to not tell my parents about it. that's the only good thing about this lady.

t.r.j.

* * *

"that's odd..." is all he says before the realization hits him. "holy... no no no. no!"

he discards the idea of leaving the journal, and instead he puts it back on its rightful place inside his backpack. he quickly leaves the office and makes his way to his first period class, english.

he should be happy, right? he probably has found the boy who tortures his head since a week or more.

but he isn't.

he's having more questions than before. that's the boy he saw days ago in his the world history class. he looks young enough to be a grade below him. he goes to the therapist, he looks troubled, lost, scared and sleepless... so many things make sense when he puts them together.

he fears he is wrong about this speculation. what if it is just a coincidence?

no. it cannot be just that. it's something else.

josh already has his main goal set, follow the small boy around and pay attention to him during world history. from what he has gathered in the various entries, he can pick out certain qualities and see if they match. and if it all fails, he has two options: a. return to his original plan and leave the journal at lost & found or b. befriend the boy and ask him personally.

he seems to like plan a better.

with this new goal in his mind, he feels free and renewed.

he's officially ready to start the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love this book so much,,


	15. october 7 pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've edited this a bit so it isn't as cringe but oh well

josh is a good student. he always gets b's and a's, not only because he has to get those grades to stay on the soccer team, but because he likes to see himself achieving those grades.

he's one of those people who can just listen to the class and take a few notes and he'll pass the test with flying colors. today though, his mind is blocking out any sound that isn't coming from the boy he saw earlier.

mr. joseph, as the councilor had called him, is not looking at the teacher or the board. he is rather looking at a notebook he has on his desk. it has something scribbled on it, but since josh is a little far from good view of him, he cannot make up the words. to him, it's all gibberish.

 _it doesn't look like the pretty handwriting from the journal..but he is maybe just distracting himself by writing whatever as fast as he can._ is a thought that came to the curly brunette's head.

"...okay, who wants to continue the reading?" the teacher, mr. jefferson, asks to the class. nobody volunteers, the students remain in silence. "seems like i'll have to choose."

mr. jefferson looks around the room, scanning the faces of the people who come to his view. unfortunately, he sees the poor sophomore trying his hardest to avoid being picked. "mr. joseph! please continue the reading in page 311."

 _if he stutters, that's one point for the yes column_.

"um..d-do i have to?" the sophomore asks.

"yes you do. now go on, we don't have all day," mr. jefferson responds strictly and sits on his desk chair waiting for the young boy to do as told.

the boy gets out his book and opens it on page 311 and begins to read, sweat already forming on his forehead. "t-the um, the g-greeks had a, a belief s-s-system.. that, that um, consisted of v-various gods and g-goddesses. one of the m-most notorious w-was, was zeus."

he continues reading and stuttering; the whole class is chuckling about the poor sophomore's struggle to read normally.

josh, however, doesn't laugh or anything. he feels bad for the kid. he once was in that position, many years ago. he wants to volunteer to take his place, but the teacher will say no since he seems to enjoy watching the boy in pain.

he looks to his sides and sees collette giggling. he knows she's giggling at his boy. "collette, why're you laughing?" he whispers at her, trying not to catch mr. jefferson's attention.

"because he's funny. he can barely read a sentence without stuttering," she explains mid-giggle.

"you're being rude. you don't know what he's been through."

"and do you?"

josh prefers not to continue the conversation as he might out himself on his little plan. he gives into his temptations and raises his hand.

"yes, mr. dun?" mr. jefferson asks.

"may i continue the reading? it seems unfair to me that you're forcing him to do it since he didn't volunteer too. it's such a dick move of you considering that you're the teacher and you should be the adult here."

everyone remains quiet for the next minute, even the sophomore is amused at josh's little rebellious moment. the teacher is more than shocked.

"well, mr. dun, i didn't take you as the troublemaker."

"i'm not. i'm just trying to read the section of the textbook. you're the one being difficult."

"office. now. both of you,"mr. jefferson points to both him and the sophomore.

"w-what? why me?" asks the small teary brunette.

"you started it all. besides, i think you might want to change back to a sophmore class. you're too...hm, young to be in this course."

the young boy closes shut the textbook and gathers all his things quickly, he shoves them all in his bag and leaves the classroom with a few tears but no words.

"are you serious?" josh gets his things together and makes sure to see his teacher in the eye before he leaves. "you're the worst teacher, mr. jefferson. it's a mystery how you haven't been fired yet for being such a headache of a person."

the teacher doesn't pay attention to him, but the class sure does. they're all left speechless since good boy josh would never stand up to any teacher like that. there's always a first time for everything.  
  


* * *

  
  


the office is empty except for the front desk lady who is organizing some files. she says that the councilor should arrive soon after her meeting with some parents.

that leaves josh and the boy sitting, waiting for her arrival.

there isn't much conversation going on between them. the young brunette is staring into space and josh is lost in his thoughts.

"thank you."

josh turns his head to the boy, "what did you say?"

"t-thank you. you stood up for me. nobody has ever done that."

"i was done with mr. jefferson's crap anyway. he's the worst. and nothing that he said is true, alright? everyone's got their own pace. plus, you're a sophomore in a junior class. that's a cool thing, you're smart."

the boy smiles a little, "you think so?"

"absolutely."

another smile. and it for sure is heavenly.

_yes, this is my boy._


	16. october 8

will;

i can't stop thinking. i just can't.

my mind is talking non-stop 24/7.

it's annoyingly hard to ignore it. it keeps getting louder and louder. i try to push it away but it comes back.

i can't stop thinking.

i barely got any sleep last night cause i kept getting nightmares and my mind kept me up when i wasn't getting tortured by my subconscious.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


why can't you be a pain to someone else?

i have slept only 3 hours this week. and it freaking sucks.

it haunts me by day and night. meaning that even if i try to gain back some sleep during school, it's useless.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


i can't stop thinking.  
  
  
  
  
  


is this how it feels? i don't want this.

i want it to shut up and leave me alone. i want it to let me sleep. i want it to get out of my life.  
  
  
  
  


go ruin someone else's life.  
  
  
  


t.r.j.  
  


* * *

with his now new knowledge of who the person writing this is, josh can totally picture the poor sophomore boy going through this hell of mental health issues.

just by looking at him, the tiredness of his personality says it all.

josh has a list of many diagnoses he could give the boy based on the common symptoms. he's truly going all in. he knows that he has no say on the boy's diagnoses, but it's helpful to him to at least have an abstract idea of how he can help. one of those diagnoses being depersonalization and a slight hint of social anxiety accompanied by adhd as shown from the many doodles along the pages and sudden change in themes throughout each entry. it's a messy mix but it's not like he can do it as well as an actual psychologist. he's trying his best.

"how can i even _begin_ to help you..." josh says to himself as he makes some notes on a pad he now uses to write down things he notices about the mental health decay or just things he should know by the next time they talk.

which, after having a talk with the councilor, she let them go since they both aren't guilty of any big violations to the school rules. josh was given a warning and that was it. the boy disappeared before he could say anything else to him.

he goes over some of his notes and sees that the boy wanted to see josh play at some point.

conveniently, he has a game tomorrow that defines whether or not the soccer team goes to the finals. everyone in the school is going, it's a very important game. "i'll look out for you, joseph. don't you worry about that."


	17. october 9

will;

i'm feeling average today. i don't feel like dying and i don't feel extra gay.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


who am i kidding? i'm gonna see play today for the first time! it's gonna be so great. i cannot wait until the game starts.

i told my parents i wanted to attend to this today in the morning and they were really impressed. their socially anxious son going to a school event is a pretty big deal.

oh god. i'm so excited for it! i'm not quite sure about the rules of the game but i guess the point is being there and cheering for our team.  
  


i did more research and it turns out that my assumption of him being in the soccer team was true. collette also happens to be on the feminine soccer team so that's a bonus.

and now that i think about it, i don't know anything about how to play. oh well. i'll just follow the crowd's mood and eventually i'll take the hang of it.

crap. i'm late to fourth period. i'll tell you how the game went tomorrow!

t.r.j.

* * *

josh isn't concentrating on the game. he's looking at the bleachers to see if he spots his boy. so far, he hasn't seen him. that makes him feel sad and uncomfortable in a way.

he snaps out of his thoughts when he hears his teammates yell at him. he runs towards the redhead who's on the opposite team and takes the ball from him. josh must admit that he is really good at those tricks, no wonder why he is defense and an essential part of the team.

he takes the ball as far as he can and then passes it to his teammate, also one of his good friends, jon.

jon then takes the ball to the other side of the field, players from both teams surrounding him and looking at his every move.

josh sighs and tries to recover from the sudden running. he jogs backwards to his position and gives the goalie, dallon, a nod. it's their code for being on high alert and on the condition to give their 110%.

he gives a quick glance to the other set of bleachers and notices the boy's hoodie in between the crowd. it's not a flashy, remarkable hoodie; but josh has it memorized by now.

the small sophomore boy notices that josh is staring and immediately blushes with tiny smile on his face. josh smiles back and averts his eyes when he spots the same redhead from before with the ball. "time to kick your preppy ass," josh says to himself.

he waits for the redhead to come close enough. when he is a few feet away, josh runs to him and kicks the ball between the redheads legs. he doesn't even wait to see who wants the ball now, he goes straight to the other team's goal. all of the people surrounding him who aren't from the hillwood academy are cheering him on.

a mix of "go, dun!" from the coach and "you can do it!" from his teammates are enough to push himself harder, dodging all the hillwood players who try to get on his way.

_do it for him._

he kicks the ball with all the remaining energy on his body and, by a miracle, the hillwood goalie misses it.

everything is quiet for a second before the bleachers storm into a cheering mess. josh falls to his knees, panting and gasping for air. he's run like hell was chasing him before but never with such passion. his teammates pull him up and group hug him.

the "josh! josh! josh!" chants from everyone are able to get a weak smile from him. he just then realizes that his goal was the winning one, 1-0 being the final score. a mediocre score out of context but it's more than enough to get them through the next stage of the local cup.

he gets lifted by dallon and a couple more guys from the team. he's got the perfect view to see his boy. he adores how happy and cheerful he currently looks. all the awful things in his life don't seem to affect him in this moment, and that's enough to get josh to smile wider.

"that one was for you, joseph. hope you enjoyed the show," he whispers to himself before he is put down back on his feet.

he wishes he could go and talk for a moment with the sophomore but he is taken back to the locker rooms for a small celebration before the big party at brendon's house begins the next day.

_now let's hope he goes. i'll talk to him then._

and just because he won the game, he's gonna allow himself to read another entry before the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know some stuff about soccer but not that much so excuse my poor knowledge and explanation of it


	18. october 10

will;

the game was surprisingly entertaining. seeing covered in sweat was super fun and interesting.

i know he didn't even know i was there, but i think we made eye contact at one point when he looked at the whole crowd before making a goal.

god...he's so perfect.

collette and her friends sat next to me. she pretty much ignored me the whole time. she's so pretty. her hair is definitely her best feature.  
  
  
  


that's all i can say about the game.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


i do feel..odd since then. i cannot describe it, it's a weird feeling. i don't feel like me. it's like i'm not here.

the only way i think i can put it is: as if i was watching a movie of the world, and i'm nothing but a spectator on my life.

weird...

this is all weird.

t.r.j.  
  


* * *

josh couldn't help but reread that over a million times. it is such a peculiar entry. it's way shorter and it really gives him no new information about mr. joseph.

he tries his best to set it all aside and focus on the party going on around him.

his best friend brendon is most notably known for having amazing parties, and this one is no exception. it's an open invitation party, meaning that everyone from their school, except freshmen because they're the worst kind of people, is here. sophomores to seniors are currently enjoying the mediocre music and excellent food.

josh is not that big of a fan of parties. he likes them, but he'd rather have a calm night with his friends. wherever he goes, everyone congratulates him and tells him he's the best. he says thank you and leaves before any more conversation unfolds.

he doesn't have a problem talking with people, not at all. he just...dislikes most of the people who talk to him.

he serves himself some diet coke; he isn't fond of getting drunk like his friends. he avoids the crowded areas and decides to go to the gardens around the house...or mansion to be more accurate.

brendon's parents are sickly rich. they have enough money to buy whatever they want and not have to worry about it. their house is huge, big enough to actually be considered a mansion. josh and his friends compare the gardens to those in the palace of versailles since they seem to be endless and they're truly stunning.

it's still early afternoon, so there's enough sunlight for josh not to walk into a wall or fall into the random holes that are being excavated for new rose bushes or another tree.

josh walks around aimlessly with no destination. he likes how pretty his surroundings are and how clean the air feels with all these trees and other plants engulfing him. he spots a couple of people during his walk, mostly couples who try to get some privacy of sorts and makeout. though he sees a small boy sitting alone by some daisies and sunflowers.

his brains commands his legs to go towards him as the thought of his boy comes to mind. once he gets close enough, he confirms his questionings. "hi," he says softly, trying his best not to scare the boy.

the small brunette jumps a little, but is calm otherwise. he clearly gets more anxious once he realizes who's talking to him. "h-hi. what are you doing here?"

"at my own party? not sure, to be honest," josh jokes.

"n-no. i mean what are you doing here with me."

"oh," he sits beside the boy on the wooden bench, "i saw you here alone. so now i'm keeping you company."

the sophomore tilts his head in confusion. "you seem lonely. i've never seen you with someone else. you could use a friend, and i'm right here for you," josh explains and looks back at the house full of people having the time of their lives.

"thank you... people tend to ignore me."

"they're a bunch of jerks." he gets a smile out of him. josh cannot deny that the sophomore is the most adorable person he's ever seen. he sits closer to him, which is surprising to the both of them, yet the boy never sits away.

"i never got to know your name, by the way. you obviously know mine."

"oh...yeah. i'm tyler."

"nice to meet you, tyler."

"nice to meet you too, josh."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't a great chapter but i tried


	19. october 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> possible trigger warnings for mentions of death

will;

is there anything i have to offer to this world? not really.

i have no talents. i can't draw, sing, dance, act, write, compose, play or anything like someone else. and even if i could do any of those things, it would never be as good as other people's work.

perhaps i haven't discovered it yet. or maybe i could use something i can already do in a mundane way and exploit it later on in my life... i doubt either of those are the case.

i've been going down a list of talents or qualities i may have. so far, it's a disappointment. like my life.

this is expected by now, but last night i had an anxiety dream about this.

my mind is so messed up it influences all the things i do. and it truly brings me down when i see all these happy faces around me and i can't relate.

i put on a fake smile just to pass by, i'm decaying inside.

today, the councilor compared me to a flower; a daisy, to be more specific. she says that my mental health is my roots, they're getting cut and therefore i don't get nutrients, or happiness, which slows my growth. i like the flower metaphor, though i hate it at the same time.  
  
  


i cried myself to sleep that night. she knows my situation, she knows that my parents are oblivious to my sessions. she still insists i tell them.

i can't do that.

they don't understand. they never will.  
  


they would tell me that i'm just a kid and that i don't know true sadness.

i'm dying inside! can't you see?! your own son wants to die! your own son doesn't want to be in this world anymore!  
  
  
  
  
  
  


running away is still my plan.

i could do it. yeah, i don't have to take all my stuff, just enough to get by. the rest i can do without.

towns nearby are off the list. maybe a couple of cities away, i'll be okay. a small one, huge cities are too terrifying and anxiety inducing.

maybe i can get a job as a waiter or something. i'll figure that out later.

this isn't a crazy plan after all.  
  
  


all i gotta do now...is do it.

i would still leave behind. i really don't want to do that. he's become such an important part of my life, even if i've never spoken to him.

time. i need time to figure that out.

t.r.j.  
  


* * *

josh spent the rest of the party with tyler. they didn't speak much, but the silence itself felt safe. it made both of them happy.

now, josh is reading before class begins. he sees his new friend come in out of the corner of his eye. the small boy smiles at him, genuinely, and josh smiles back.

he knows it will absolutely make tyler's day.

only that his mind most likely still has this insane plan on the go.

and that thought alone terrifies josh.


	20. october 12

will;

these sessions are so stupid.

all i do is sit uncomfortably on that damned chair for an hour or so and talk nonsense just to get a mediocre response.

whatever advice she is giving me is useless. 'write your feelings', i am, i have since weeks ago. 'think positive', not helpful when my mind is the embodiment of negativism thinking. 'spend time with people who make you feel at ease', i doubt she's noticed that i have no one but myself. 

i'm gonna skip the next one.

i don't want to waste my time anymore.  
  
  
  
  


the only cohesive piece of advice she has given me is this:

_perhaps you're not as hopeless as you say you are, mr. joseph. hopelessness is such a silly word to use in your case._

_it don't define you. it isn't a place that surrounds your body and mind, it's making you feel like there is no other way out or that this is the end for you._

_despite your beliefs, hopelessness is not that. it is nothing but a state of mind. it helps us to cope with our situations. it gives us an excuse to indulge in those bad feelings._

_you, and everyone else, have a chance of getting better. all you have to do is push aside the word, or even better, use it to describe itself. hopelessness itself is hopeless. it cannot go any further in my brain or in any other aspect of my life._

_then, and only then, the word would've lost complete meaning of its own. since it has no use now, it does not exist._

_'i think, therefore i exist' is a good example._

_use this method of thinking, mr. joseph. it maybe will improve your thoughts by at least a small percentage that shall increase per day._   
  


that lady is a somewhat of a genius.

most of that didn't make sense, but i know where she's coming from.  
  
  


my mental health does not define me and it's not a thing i choose to have.  
  


i want to live by those words, and i will.  
  


(not hopeless for now) t.r.j.  
  


* * *

"nothing but a state of mind...huh," josh repeats to himself as he reads the entry during his free period. none of his friends have the same free period as him, except for ryan but he uses it to be with his study group to remain eligible for the soccer team. anyhow, unlike many other people, josh spends his time out near the soccer fields.

it's a quiet space. the only quiet space in the whole school that isn't as suffocating as the school library. he enjoys it.

he sees a few people playing some sport far away, all the way out on the baseball field. their conversation through screams can barely be heard.

josh likes this calm environment with a few sounds for ambiance. as much as he is a somewhat popular guy, he is an introvert. or a mix of both introvert and extrovert. either way, his alone time brings him a kind of happiness that he wishes could last forever. he also secretly wishes it could he transferable..he wants to give tyler some of it.

his boy deserves it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in my defense, i was obsessed with halsey's hfk album at the time i wrote this


	21. october 13

will;

let's try it.

i'm not hopeless. i am not my mental health, it does not define me. hopelessness is nothing but a state of mind. i do not choose to feel like this, it's not a thing i can turn on and off. it is nothing but an addition to my person.

my mental health does not define me.  
  
  
  
  


that didn't work.

fyi, it's currently 3 am. i haven't slept in almost 24 hours and i'm already going mad. anxiety doesn't let me sleep.

my brain cannot stop thinking. it goes on and on.

the only way it turns off for a few minutes is when i write in you. it shuts down and focuses only in expressing how miserable i feel right now.  
  
  


i've told miss stirling this problem, she doesn't exactly know why my brain does this.

_it's the only moment when your mind can pour everything out, it doesn't keep it trapped inside it. all the messy stuff that's clogged inside there gets out._

i'm really questioning her every word now.  
  
  
  
  


my alarm will go off in three more hours. i doubt i'll fall asleep before then.

t.r.j.

* * *

after practice, josh is waiting for his mom to pick him up. his family and him were invited to some gathering hosted by brendon's parents. it's supposed to be casual, though with such rich people that word means a whole other thing.

while waiting for momma dun to arrive, he sits on the grounds near the main entrance and reads the journal. he has now grown fond of reading it and learning more about tyler. he also has begun to have fascination for the human psyche. the way tyler's mind works and expresses his sorrow and sadness as well as his happiness is really interesting.

he has never really thought about it but now he is considering studying psychology as his mayor once he goes to college. it's on the table for now at least.

the main doors open, a small framed person walking fast paced walks right past him. josh notices that it's tyler. he is about to say hello when a car pulls up and tyler gets in. the car drives away shortly after.

 _could that be his mom?_ josh's mind begins to wonder tyler's destination just in time for his own carpool to arrive.

he sits shotgun since his dad will arrive with his siblings at the reunion when he gets out of work and his siblings get off their extracurricular activities.

josh's mom notices that he is staring into space. she decides to call attention to it. "what's on your mind, sweetie? you look distracted."

"nothin', mom. nothin' to worry about."


	22. october 14

will;

my mom and i were watching _rick & morty _because she wants to have more mother-son bonding times.

in a scene, morty's mom cries while drinking wine and i mistakenly said "i think she seems to be an alcoholic and possibly has depression".

can you guess what my mom said?

" _depression is not a thing. she's just sad. don't lie to yourself, tyler._ "

i have no idea how i haven't left this awful household before.

they're just pushing me towards leaving more and more. i want to leave this city behind and forget this part of my life ever existed. start completely over.

maybe during the summer, once i have miss stirling off my back.

i can take a job before school begins and i can enroll myself for junior year and senior year later on. that sounds good enough.

i'd have to work 25/8 to have money to support myself though...

we'll see.

of course, i'll obviously bring you with me.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


i told miss stirling about the those feelings i get while i write in you every now and then. she asked me to explain them as best as i could, and i did.

she isn't sure what i mean.

"it' like somebody is watching over me. or something, yeah more like something. and it's only when i write, most of the time at least."

she still didn't understand.

i had to brush it off and change the topic.

how odd.  
  
  


looked extremely hot today.

t.r.j.

* * *

thanks to sudden rains, the dinner party at brendon's house was pushed for the next day. big gatherings really aren't josh's favorite thing. like with the party from days prior, he is walking around the gardens with no direction. sure, he'd love to be in the conversation with his friends but he isn't in the talking mood today. 

his friends are running around, playing what can only be called street soccer and talking nonsense about their girlfriends or boyfriends. he decided that since he is bringing nothing to the conversation, he might as well enjoy the scenery.

ever since he met brendon, so ever since they were little, he's wanted to live in his house. it is like his sister's old barbie dollhouse. only this time it is in real life and the boys actually have dicks instead of smooth surfaces.

the multi colored roses and tulips acquire his attention. they're so pretty and delicate, barely blooming due to the colder months' presence. dew covers majority of the red roses and the yellow tulips thanks to the rain from the night before.the flowers are absolutely breathtaking to josh.

he takes one of the yellow tulips, knowing that neither brendon nor his mother would mind about it. he puts the flower ever so delicately in his backpack, right next to the journal.

_tyler seems like a yellow tulip kind of guy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the timeline probably seems confusing, but i wasn't really paying attention when i wrote it so sorry about that.


	23. october 15

will;

i overheard telling his friends that he wants to ask collette on a date.

part of me despises the fact that it might happen, the other part couldn't care less.

after all, i have crushes on both of them. both are so pretty and perfect. collette is the most beautiful girl i've ever seen. is really good looking and handsome. it's like they're meant to be. it seems as if we're in a 90's movie, like _clueless_ or _10 things i hate about you_. and collette dating each other would mess me up big time.  
  
  


it's his life. he makes the choices, not me. i have no say on this.

the only thing i can do is be sad or happy about it.  
  
  
  
  


it was an okay day besides that. 

t.r.j.

* * *

josh's stolen yellow tulip is now his bookmark for the journal.

he thinks that tyler's crush is an ass for not noticing him. he agrees that collette is kinda pretty and finds it odd how he himself thought about asking her out sometime ago before he got a small thing for a girl in his psychics called ashley. it's a weird coincidence.

the lack of any dark thought or any exceptional event in the entry is a bit odd. but maybe tyler had a good day then.

he wants to talk more to tyler.


	24. october 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> possible trigger for descriptions of mental health and brief mention of death

will;

i've began to analyze my options. i looked up some towns near mine that i can run away to. they all seem so lovely, although i have 3 main choices.

i also looked up jobs there. most of them are as waiters or party places.

as you can see, my sources of income are going to be really limited.

the public high school there apparently has a good education system. if not, there's always online school, right? that's all i need.  
  
  
  
  
  


i'm going to die alone. no one loves me. and even if someone did, they would leave me.

i'd just be nothing but a useless toy, a stupid diversion that they get bored of soon after.

sure, i might find someone eventually, but that doesn't mean they can't leave. they will. they will recognize what a mistake they have made and leave me broken and messed up.

all i want is for someone to stay for once.

someone to care about me and always be there for me. not just be there for a few minutes and then leave because they are now annoyed.   
  


love is so much to ask for.

i'm sorry.

i feel so worthless and stupid.

t.r.j.

* * *

every day, josh's heart hurts more and more with each word. he really needs to talk to tyler.

he wants to speak with the pretty boy with doe like eyes that makes his heart oh so happy and can get him to feel oh so sad in a matter of seconds.

he wants to have a wholesome chat with his new crush.


	25. october 17

will;

why do people leave?

so many amazing people leave just out of nowhere. mostly they leave things they love to do.

an artist stops painting, a photographer stops adding pictures to their portfolio, a dancer stops making new routines, a singer stops composing songs, an author stops writing their next novel... but why?

did their work drive them crazy?

did it make them overwork themselves until they can't even look at their work anymore?

i wonder if it's because of the pressure they feel.

maybe they just don't want to keep doing something they feel obligated to do where there is no more remaining passion for it.

what is the point on doing something you used to love doing if that love is nonexistent now? it's stupid to do such thing..

still, other people keep doing it even if it hurts them. they keep painting, photographing, dancing, writing, singing... they still do all those things to please people.

they've become too afraid of failure or disapproval. they're afraid of disappointing the people who love their work.

i believe that all humans seek recognition and validation. that's maybe the reason why they keep on doing the thing they've grown to hate.  
  


i hope that never happens to me.

whatever i end up doing, i hope that i never keep pushing myself to do it after i recognize that i hate it.

breaks and hiatus are good ways to fix this problem. they don't always work though.

abandoning the thing completely is probably the best option.

but then what?

do those people still have a purpose?

if they don't do anything that they love, are they truly living?

i ponder about this a lot.

living vs. existing.

creating things you love and leaving when the love ends vs. pushing yourself to the break point where everything hurts.  
  


it's sad, y'know?  
  


t.r.j

* * *

  
  


the small yellow tulip flower is starting to turn dry. its petals are bound to fall at any point. josh still keeps it in the journal.

he likes how it brings a little happiness to it.

"yellow is a happy color."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was really feeling it when i wrote this


	26. october 18

sadly, there isn't anything written for the next day. this bumps josh a little, the tulip is also too dry and dead to be a bookmark anymore so that just adds to the bummer. he is so invested on tyler's life, he wants to know all about him.

striking up a conversation isn't a really good idea. what if he messed up and mentions the journal? he can't run that risk.

he keeps staring into space until his friend, jon, touches his shoulder. "josh, snap out of it. we want your opinion."

"my opinion? on what?" josh asks openly to his friends, he's so up in space he has no idea what his friends are talking about.

"on the team getaway? pay attention, dude," dallon says hoping that his friend can remember the plans,"you were the one who suggested it in the first place."

"right. um, i can't this weekend," he lies.

"what? why?" brendon asks.

"well, i'm busy with homework. i have an essay for mrs. torres' class."

pete cocks an eyebrow. unlike the rest of the table, he is not buying what josh's trying to sell, "about what?"

"psychology stuff. nothing exciting."

"can't you do it during practice tomorrow?" pete pressures. being the party guy of the group, he wants to do the getaway more than the rest.

"in _this_ economy? are you crazy?" brendon jokes in a semi-serious tone. the whole table laughs, even the skeptical pete joins in.

the conversation turns back to the former mentioned getaway. josh barely pays any attention to what is being said, he mostly focuses on his own thoughts.

he remembers the former pretty yellow flower inside the journal. it makes him happy to think about how good it looked when it was still fresh.

yellow is a happy color.

he is a happy guy.

he thinks about tyler as well. his precious boy isn't happy. that hurts him a little bit.

he knows you can't help a person in tyler's conditions. but he wants to be there and do as much as he can to make sure he is doing just fine.

maybe then he can give the sophomore the yellow flower.

yellow is a happy color.

he is a happy guy.


	27. october 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> possible trigger warning for mentions of suicide

will;

i hate everything and everyone.

life doesn't have meaning anymore.

i want to get out of here. i want to escape so bad. i need to throw this shit life away.

would it be so bad if i just...escaped?

i can work petsitting my neighbors' dogs and try to get enough money for a bus ticket.

everything's already planned. i just have to actually leave.

leave it all behind seems like such an impossible thing.  
  


i would have to throw away my phone so i can't get reached by anyone.

as if by miracle, there are lgbt centers that house young people who need a fresh start. i can be one of those.

i would only take certain things with me. anything too strongly related with my past life would stay behind.

the more i write and think about it, the more i believe i can actually pull it off. 

dad made a 'kms' joke during dinner. i felt so horrible as my parents laughed at it.

i didn't really eat much after that. i just ate a few pieces of broccoli and a little bit of rice. i'm surprised mom didn't notice.

they're so self centered and close minded... i hate living in this home.

my freedom is closer than i could ever imagine now.

all i have to do it wait, will. just a little waiting and i'll be okay.  
  


t.r.j

* * *

josh looks up cities nearby that have lgbt centers. there are many all over the country.

they seem like such a nice place to restart your life.

he wishes he had the balls to join tyler in his escape.

he is too scared to even think about it.


	28. october 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // brief mention of anxiety

will;

anxiety is different for everyone.

just like how each person interprets art differently, i feel like that's a way to explain anxiety too.

it affects our every day lives; appearing out of nowhere and ruining everything until it goes away temporarily.

for me, it's overthinking and believing awful things about myself.

one of them could be that i annoy everyone even if i haven't spoken a word to any person at school for what seems like a full month.

in my anxiety driven mind, i'm not good enough to talk to people. even saying 'sorry' if i accidentally bump into someone can lead to a breakdown during sixth period.  
  


my anxiety is mainly why i really began to write to you.

i can tell my feelings without any sort of anxiety making me regret what i write. i know that i'm okay for you since, well, you're a bunch of pages stuck together.

does that make sense?  
  


a few hours ago, i had to give out an essay for mr. sanders' class. the essay was about bees getting endangered, i actually liked how it turned out.

on my way to class and once there, i checked and rechecked that my homework was in my bag. every few seconds i opened my backpack and looked for it.

if i had a to-do list, that simple task would've been checked off at least a hundred times.  
  


i wonder...how will this affect my love life?

not that i have one or ever will have one, but it's my overthinking brain who's speaking now.

god, my partner will be so sick and tired of me in the first week of being together.

i can already see the text spams i'll send asking things like:  
-why aren't you answering?  
-it's been 10 minutes  
-are you okay?  
-did i say something bad?  
-i'm sorry for whatever i did or didn't do

..i'm going to die alone, won't i?

screw you, anxiety. you're the worst and i hope you die.

t.r.j

* * *

josh doesn't stop staring at tyler in mr. jefferson's class. he has found a loving appreciation for the boy.

he is planning on asking him to hang out after school one day. but how can he do it without sounding like a prank or something?

"alright, you're going to have a project about the roman empire due next month. it's going to be really hard and extensive so i'll let you pick a partner to split the work. if any of your partners refuses to cooperate, tell me and the grade only goes to you," mr. jefferson says as he gives out the requirements and specifications for the project. _how convenient_.

"go pick a partner and organize yourselves. then come and tell me your teams so i can keep track of them."

josh doesn't waste time on getting up and walking up to tyler. he sensed collette or one of his friends would ask him, so he got out of that situation as soon as possible.

"h-hi," tyler stutters when he notices the older boy standing next to his seat.

"you wanna be my partner?"

"what? me? really?!"

the sparks in his eyes makes josh's heart flutter and have butterflies in his stomach. damn this sophomore really is the purest thing alive. "of course. i know you probably want to do it alone but i promise i'll cooperate. these jerks are the worst with group projects."

"thanks..? i guess that's nice of you."

"so, we can get together tomorrow? my place after soccer practice?"

a slight crimson red blush dusts over tyler's cheeks. "s-sounds good. can i stay during practice and i go with you? my parents probably won't be able to pick me up until like 9 pm."

"why not. that'll be fun."

smiling, josh decides right then and there that whenever he spends time with tyler, he's going to try to make him smile. "it will."


	29. october 21

will;

happiness.

i want to feel that.

how long until i can feel it again?

who will be the person who will get a genuine smile out of me?

what will the situation for said person, smile and happiness be?

will i have to fake that smile just to get that person's hopes up?  
  


i wonder.

t.r.j

* * *

josh's mom is only a block away from the school when practice is over. he noticed tyler staring at him during the whole two hours. given, josh and the rest of the team were shirtless since the day has been surprisingly hot, even for ohio.

tyler had to awkwardly wait for josh to have a quick shower.

if josh wasn't so oblivious, he would've noticed tyler staring at him as he saw josh in nothing but a towel.

"just putting it out there," josh begins to say so the weird silence between them goes away, "history is not my cup of tea."

"i-it's fine. i looked through the requirements and the project is very easy if we're smart about it." tyler's little devil smile is ten times cuter than his regular smile.

"i'm glad you're my partner. i would've done all the work if i was with someone else."

"that's horrible," tyler mostly mumbles as josh's mom arrives.

josh gets in the front seat, leaving his new friend to sit in the back with some groceries. "hey, sweetie," momma dun says cheerfully, "who's this new friend of yours?"

laura starts driving to the house as josh introduces them to each other. "mom, this is tyler. he's my partner in a history project. tyler, this is my mom. she birthed me 17 years ago."

"joshua!"

"what? it's not like i'm lying!" josh chuckles and appreciates his history partner's laugh to the cheap joke.

"what's the project about?" his mom changes the subject, embarrassed about her son's comment.

"we have to do a presentation on the roman empire or something like that. it's due in like a month."

tyler speaks up to correct him, "we also have to do a 3d map of it. we need to have it done a week before the due date on the paper so we know what to say better. the oral testing will be the most important one."

"really?! wow, mr. jefferson expects a lot from us then."

"all teachers do," tyler confirms, "some more than others."


	30. october 21 pt. 2

josh's room might as well be the tidiest in the whole house. he is not that organized, but he likes to feel like his space is neat and arranged.

"whoa. your room's so clean and pretty," tyler says as both boys go inside. josh closes the door and puts his backpack on his desk's chair.

"thanks. i try to keep it clean as i can."

tyler smiles faintly and sets his bag on a side of the same desk. he awkwardly sits on the bed and sighs. "um, you wanna start the project now? we've got a lot of planning to do."

"not yet. i'd like for us to talk a little bit before we get stressed with the project. i want to know more about you," josh sits beside his guest and nudges at him.

"there's not much to know about me.. i'm pretty boring and my life is average."

 _yeah right. your life is nothing but average,_ josh says inside his head where no one can hear that but himself.

"c'mon. i'll take anything. even if it's something like your favorite season of the year."

"well, i'm an only child. i like the color blue, my favorite season is autumn. i think people being rude in class are stupid, i'm a feminist.. that's all i can come up with right now i guess."

josh isn't even near being satisfied with this answer, but he knows this is the best he'll get for now. "alright. i'm the oldest of three children. my favorite color is purple, the season i like the most is summer. people being rude in class _are_ stupid, i'm a feminist too."

"that's good to know."

"wait. what are your pronouns?"

tyler looks shocked at the question. he certainly didn't expect josh to ask it at all. "my pronouns? um.. he/him are okay. why'd you ask?"

"i wanna be correct when i use them. it would suck if you go by 'she/her' and i didn't even ask about it."

by the smile on tyler's face, he seems more than pleased with the explanation. "t-thank you. what are yours?"

"he/him as well. i'm a manly man!" josh flexes and smirks, getting his new friend to giggle and blush slightly.

"so manly."

"manliest of them all." they keep eye contact for only 5 seconds before erupting in laughter. josh adores tyler's laugh. it's like an angel's would be, only that it is. he also adores how cute his face is when he smiles.

"okay, okay," josh says as he dries his tears from laughing so hard, "what's your favorite show?"

"hm.. _rick and morty_? maybe _friends_?"

"i love _rick and morty_! it's so good!"

tyler gasps in astonishment, "you like it too? it's the best show ever!"

"hell yeah it is!"

"is there anything else you'd like to know?" tyler smiles, he seems like he's having a lot of fun.

"i can't think of a good question so, not really! we can get started on the project now."

they get their backpacks and sit on the floor near the bed. tyler takes out the assignment sheet, a pen and a notebook to write things down.

josh is very careful not to accidentally show the journal. he only gets out the history textbook, for references. "alrighty, where do we begin?"

"we have to divide the work equally between us. neither of us can do all the spoken presentation or the rest all by themselves. the 3d map will probably be the easiest thing to do. i can bring the materials to school tomorrow; we can work on it during lunch or free period. the presentation, obviously will be done in powerpoint. it has to be more than 5 slides, we can include graphs and many pictures so it doesn't look all cluttered with information. we should just have a few key points there and explain it all orally. speaking of, the paper says we can use cards to help remember things. we can also put key points and explain it with our own words," tyler explains as he writes his plan down on his history notebook with the blue inked pen. _he has a beautiful handwriting_ , josh says to himself.

"that sounds easier said than done," josh mumbles as he stares at the now filled notebook page.

"i know, but trust me, with this plan, we'll get a perfect grade."

"even if mr. jefferson is the one grading it?"

"i guarantee it!" tyler smiles, his eyes sparkling with anticipation and full of life.

josh can't believe this beautiful, happy boy is the same that writes about craving death in his spare time.

"cool."

* * *

josh feels lonely when tyler leaves. they made progress with the planning, if you don't count the hours spent on goofing around and having fun.

he has never enjoyed someone's company so much before. even his friends got annoying and dull once in a while.

he opens the journal to see the dry, yet still somehow radiant looking yellow tulip. "a beautiful flower for a beautiful boy."

he remembers that mrs. patrick, his neighbor, has some flower sales every once in a while. her garden is way prettier than brendon's, by a lot. so many kinds of flowers grow in both the front and back yards. surely she must has yellow flowers.

he is planning on buying tyler a bouquet the next time he comes around.

"a beautiful bouquet for a beautiful boy."


	31. october 22

will;

looked so happy today.

it made me happy.

his smile is the purest, most beautiful thing i've seen in my 16 years of life.

i wish i was the one making him smile.

maybe when i get the courage needed to talk to him i will.  
  


t.r.j

* * *

josh is waiting for tyler in the library. it has small rooms that students can use to do projects, study or anything else school related. they booked room c during lunch and their free period, which they so happen to have at the same time.

"hey! sorry i'm late." tyler opens the door, carrying a bag filled with the materials needed for the 3d map aside from his backpack.

josh immediately gets up and helps him with it. he closes the door and sits again on the chair he was previously sat on. "you've been carrying this thing around all the way from your locker?"

"y-yeah. that's why i took so long to get here. everything kept falling off my hands so i put it in my bag." the brunet boy sits on the other chair and sets his backpack on the floor next to him.

"i could've helped you. gimme your phone. i'll give you my number so you can text me whenever you need anything."

the offer makes the younger boy's eyes widen. "r-really?"

"of course! i'd hate for you to carry this on your own again. i wanna help."

tyler gets his phone out of his backpack and unlocks it, opening the contacts app in advance. "h-here."

the older boy takes it and types his number to the 'new contact' screen. he also chooses his contact name: **josh from history** 💝.

he thinks about the heart for a moment, quickly changing it to something else. he settles down for this: **josh from history** 👽. he can't help but notice that tyler has very little to almost no other contacts. he wants to change that.

he hands the phone back to its owner, "here you go. now you can text me whenever. even if it's about what you should have for dinner."

"i will."

* * *

once at home, the first notification josh gets is from tyler.

 **unknown:** hi josh!!  
 **unknown:** it's tyler from history

 **josh from history** 👽 **:** hi tyler. just added your number. 'sup?

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** just wanted to say hi  
 **tyler** 🌹 **:** also i changed your contact name. hope you don't mind that. i have an order with them

 **josh** 👽 **:** as long as you kept the emoji, i'm fine with it

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** i did!   
**tyler** 🌹 **:** anyway, we made great progress!! i'm proud of us. we can get together tomorrow too?  
 **tyler** 🌹 **:** it's okay if you're busy

 **josh** 👽 **:** sure! i don't have practice so we can finish the map then

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** okay!! well, see you tomorrow!

 **josh** 👽 **:** see you tomorrow, ty. x

josh instantly regrets sending the 'x'. he has messed up. tyler probably thinks he's a weirdo. or maybe he already has suspicions about josh's crush on him. he might have ruined it all... but there's nothing a flower can't fix.

 **josh** 👽 **:** quick question, you like yellow right? and flowers?

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** yes to both. why?

 **josh** 👽 **:** curiosity. bye!!

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** um.. bye.

"mom!" he calls out to his mother from his room to the kitchen, "is mrs. patrick selling flowers today?"

"i think so. why?" his mom yells back all the way from the kitchen.

he grabs his wallet and runs down the stairs. he passes his mom as he takes a pair of house keys to get back inside. "i'm buying someone flowers to cheer someone up."

"who's this special someone, sweetie? is it a friend from school? do i know her?"

josh looks at his shoes and smiles like an idiot when the image of a happy, smiling tyler comes to his head. "yeah... you know him."

"him?"

sudden realization hits him. he hasn't come out to his family yet. "uh.. yeah. my friend tyler has been feeling down and i think mrs. patrick's flowers will cheer him up."

his mother does shifty eyes and cocks her eyebrow, "alright. go before she closes up for the day."

josh nods and goes out the door. his mind can't keep away from the thought of tyler smiling when he sees the flowers. if it's a heavenly scenario in his head, he can't even phantom about what it'll be like in real life.

* * *

josh runs two houses down and arrives to the home of the patricks. their house might be the prettiest of the entire neighborhood.

"hi, mrs. patrick," he pants quietly trying to catch his breath.

"hello, joshua. what brings you here today?" the lady in her late forties smiles at him. she never had kids of her own, so she considers every child in the neighborhood like her own. after all, she has babysat each at least twice.

"i want a small bouquet. yellow flowers, please."

she nods and arranges the bouquet with twelve yellow tulips and some daisies. "i'm afraid i only have these, joshua. are they okay?"

he looks at the flowers and smiles joyful. "they're perfect."

as she ties a small white bow around the flowers she asks, "who are these for? if you don't mind me asking."

"a friend. i want to cheer him up," josh explains as he gets out a ten dollar bill from his wallet. he knows that mrs. patrick's prices are way cheaper, but he wants to cooperate for the money they -mr. and mrs. patrick- need to repair their garage.

"that's so sweet of you! he's the luckiest guy in the world to have you as a boyfriend," she winks at him and offers him the bouquet.

"b-boyfriend? oh no no. we're nowhere near that. he's just my friend.. wait, you know i like boys?" he takes the bouquet and hands her the money.

"of course i do! i've seen the way you look at boys with the loveliest eyes just like with girls ever since you were a child. i'm surprised your own mother doesn't know yet. and thank you for the money, you're a very kind, young man." she places the ten dollar bill on the small, mason jar she has on the right side of her table, next to all the flowers.

"w-well..i guess i'm not good at hiding it. you're more than welcome."

she smiles once again. "have a good day, joshua. let me know if he liked the flowers."

"have a good day, mrs. patrick. and i definitely will."

he walks back home, flowers in his hand, a big smile on his face. he is so lost in his own joy that he almost crashes against the front door.

he can't wait to see tyler's face when he receives the flowers tomorrow.


	32. october 23

will;

miss stirling says i should appreciate the small things in life.

like birds chirping or the rain.

i feel like i should. 

i appreciated the small things during history.

i appreciated mr. jefferson's will power to teach such a class full of horny, moody teenagers, even if his payment is low.  
i appreciated the sunlight coming through the window.  
i appreciated how neat the history book looks.  
i appreciated 's laughter.  
i appreciated his smile.  
i appreciated his existence.

i appreciated god sending such an angel like him to earth.

t.r.j

* * *

josh has been keeping the flowers inside his locker all day. he brought a bottle with water to keep them somewhat alive.

he walks around the school with them, getting weird looks from everyone. he ignores them.

tyler is already in room c when he gets there. "hey, josh." the young boy soon notices the flowers his classmate is holding. "are those for collette?"

as josh sits next to him, setting his backpack aside, he shakes his head. "they're for you. thought you might like to have pretty flowers in your life."

"t-they're for _me_?! oh my god! josh, you didn't have to! they're so pretty!" tyler whisper-shouts since they can get kicked out of the library if they're too loud.

the young boy takes them and looks at them from all angles. finally, he smells them. and boy do they smell amazing. mrs. patrick's flowers sure are the best in the whole universe. "thank you. they're beautiful."

"just like you," josh mumbles.

"what?"

"nothin'!" he clears his throat, "we probably should get back to the project."

tyler puts the flowers on his side of the table. the huge smile on his face doesn't seem to go away. and probably won't. "okay. now, where were we?"

josh is so happy right now. he has finally made his crush truly smile. he's one step closer to his goal.

_a pretty flower bouquet for an angel of a boy._


	33. october 24

will;

not being good enough is a big fear of mine.

i'm so scared of not accomplishing the expectations people have for me.

there are so many things, ideas, i have going on inside my head, but thank s to that fear i can't even dare to think about them anymore.  
  


i'll never be good enough.

t.r.j

* * *

josh has his mind set on helping tyler. he wants his new friend to be happy, genuinely happy.

even if they finished the 3d map yesterday, they still have lots of things to do for their project. this is the best kind of excuse for them to hangout again.

 **josh** 👽 **:** hey, um, my friends and i are going to mcdonald's for lunch. wanna join us?

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** um  
**tyler** 🌹 **:** i don't think i'm allowed to leave campus, i'm still a sophmore you know?

 **josh** 👽 **:** dw. we can sweet talk mr. fischbach into letting you go with us

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** okay then.

 **josh** 👽 **:** great! meet us in the parking lot as soon as you get out of class.

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** will do. 

for some reason, this feels like a date to josh. even if his whole friend group is gonna be there. they might end up liking tyler. _yeah. it's possible._

this makes josh so happy. he's been really happy these days..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in this story juniors can have lunch outside of the school grounds bc why not, it's fiction anything can happen


	34. october 24 pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably my favorite chapter of the entire book

convincing mr. fischbach, the security guard, to let tyler go with josh and the gang is as easy as existing. a few words here and there, as well as a small payment of $50, and tyler is getting on the car with the juniors.

none of josh's friends have paid much attention to him, which is a relief. he feared they might bully him or something of the sort but nope.

brendon's car is able to fit everyone neatly, except tyler. there is no seat space for him anywhere. "i-i don't think i should go.." the sophomore murmurs as he slowly begins to back away from the gray mini van.

"so we payed fischbach 50 bucks for nothing?" jon snaps at him.

josh opens the car door, motioning tyler to share the shotgun seat with him. "you're quite small, we can fit just fine."

even with the offer, the sophomore feels uneasy about it. "it's fine. i'm not that hungry anyway."

"c'mon! i insist," josh keeps pushing and his new friend accepts the offer.

with a heavy sigh, tyler gets in the car. his small body fits perfectly in the space josh gave him. "see? told ya' you would fit," josh winks at him.

this sends butterflies to the sophomore's stomach.

"okay, buckle the fuck up. i'm not going to be responsible for any deaths," brendon calls out to the whole group.

"we have no seatbelt, bren," dallon says all the way from the trunk, in behalf of him, pete and ryan. the mini van has a quite spacious trunk, big enough to fit the three of them without any problem.

"tough luck, buddy," jon jokes.

"if it weren't for these seats, i'd be kicking your ass," dallon mutters loud enough for the whole car to hear, which was his intention all along.

tyler passes the seatbelt to josh so he can click it in place. the slight touch of their fingers against the other's causes them to blush.

brendon starts the engine and turns on the radio, a new song by a band called 10.5 airmans playing really loudly. "mcdonald's, here we mcfucking go!"

* * *

despite being 17 years old, everyone orders nuggets alongside with large fries.

the place is empty except for a few people who seem to be on their lunch break or something.

they settle down on the tables near the small playground for kids. josh _knows_ how this situation will end. he decides to start it. "we should get in that thing," he suggests as all of his friends stuff their faces with the nugget goodness.

"aren't we a little too big to fit?" tyler asks as he calmly eats, dipping the nugget in ketchup then eating it.

"bullshit! i wanna do it!" brendon whines as he swallows a handful of fries, downing it with some diet coke.

"i call dibs on the slide."

"no!" jon smirks as he slowly gets up from his seat, "the one who gets there first does. later, fuckers!"

he sprints to the jungle gym, the rest of the group close behind. the only one left at the table is tyler. he watches in silence as the 17 year olds struggle to get to the blue slide.

there is pulling of hair, legs, and arms. some, namely pete and dallon, are kicking the others near the crotch or in the face. ryan has the strategy of sliding in between routes to avoid getting pushed back.

"join us, ty!" josh screams as he avoids alex slapping his hand away from the bars to move forward.

"yeah! don't be a pussy! we won't kick you in the balls!" brendon adds.

"i don't promise anything," pete, who is the closest to the slide, yells back at his friend.

tyler takes a nugget from the pile and stuffs it in his mouth as he climbs up the steps and crosses the small passages to reach the rest of the group.

as if by miracle, dallon is the one who gets to the finish line first. "in your face, dipshits!"

"god fucking damn you, dallon. and your long ass legs!" pete pants as he gets there second.

"that was impressive. g-good job," tyler is the third, even if the rest started before him.

"how did.. how did you..get here so fast?" josh and ryan tie for the fourth place, brendon, alex, jack, patrick and jon after them.

"i wasn't pushing anyone away. i passed all of you, by the way. you didn't see me?."

"apparently," jon says sarcastically.

the tallest of the group goes down the blue slide, stopping and sitting at the end. the rest of the boys slide down and crash into the boy before him. thanks to dallon, everyone is stuck on the slide.

"get your ass out of here, dallon! alex's knees are digging on my back!" patrick complains.

dallon does as told and immediately returns to climbing up the jungle gym, "catch me if you can!"

"i'll kick your fucking ass down!" jack and pete chant as the follow him.

like before, all of the soccer players go up the playground. but tyler chooses the smartest route: he goes back up the slide and gets there in only a few seconds.

he sits there, waiting for his company to arrive. a panting, bruise covered josh gets taken aback when he sees him, "are you a wizard or something?!"

"no. i'm just smarter," he winks and grins.

what josh would give to have the ability to kiss his cheek right now without being called gay by his friends. kind of ironic when you consider some of them actually are gay.

the group keeps playing around, tyler now always winning no matter how fast the juniors try to be.

before they know it, it's time to leave. they pack up the rest of the food, diving the fries and nuggets equally.

but the sitting dilemma strikes again. the new addition to the group has nowhere to sit. it's almost as if josh had planned it all.

he doesn't give tyler a space to sit. instead, he pats his lap with a cheeky grin. "c'mon. i don't bite."

tyler gulps and blushes at the invitation. he does sit on his friend's lap, getting really self conscious about where he places his butt.

"how gay of you, josh," alex laughs off.

"no homo," josh says loudly even if his mind screams the complete opposite.

"no homo," tyler repeats, his cheeks still bright red.

pete decides to be a dick and do a inappropriate comment as well. "is his boner comfortable?"

the inappropriate jokes and comments keep rolling in, only getting tyler to blush even more than he already is.

"give me a break!" josh groans, "each one of you can have a ride on my lap later."

"as if!" the rest of the juniors flawlessly quote _clueless_ and laugh afterwards.

the rest of the ride back is a blur. all josh truly cares about is making sure tyler doesn't slip away and hit himself with the dashboard. to add to the overprotective nature of the situation, he puts his arms around the sophomore to hold him in place.

if they didn't seem like a gay couple before, they definitely do now. honestly, neither would have it any other way.


	35. october 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// mentions of alcohol abuse and alcoholism

will;

i think mom was drunk during dinner.

she seemed to be drinking since i got home from school. dad is away on a business trip so he wasn't here to bring some sanity to her.

she yelled about one of her friends' daughter came out as lesbian.

_"stacy needs to slap some sense into her. this is what happens when you don't give into the lord, tyler. be careful around her. she might infect you."_

i contained myself from saying anything back during the whole meal. all my focus was on the mashed potatoes and chicken.

mom didn't seem to notice it at all.

she passed out in the living room while watching some soap opera.  
  


it's scary how parents do that.

they get drunk and feel free to do as they please. if my dad was the drunk one, he would've thrown a plate at the wall for no reason. i don't know if i have said it before, but he is capable of beating me to death if i mess up or even speak a word.

there are so many other people that have to suffer with this at bigger scales.. who knows for how long.

alcohol is one of the man's worst enemies.

imagine how humanity would be without it.

i just hope mom isn't an alcoholic..

i've never wanted my dad to be home more.

t.r.j

* * *

later that night, josh gets a text from his favorite sophomore boy in the whole world.

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** i had so much fun today. thank you for taking me with you and your friends!!

 **josh** 👽 **:** i had a blast too.  
 **josh** 👽 **:** sorry about the seating thing.  
 **josh** 👽 **:** hope i was a good seat

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** you were x

 **josh** 👽 **:** great!! x  
 **josh** 👽 **:** also, sorry for my friends. they come off too strong sometimes

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** i didn't mind them.  
 **tyler** 🌹 **:** your friends are really cool

 **josh** 👽 **:** we try to be  
 **josh** 👽 **:** gtg. the woman who gave birth to me is calling me to dinner  
 **josh** 👽 **:** see ya tomorrow!! x

 **tyler** 🌹 **:** see you tomorrow 

something tells josh that he won't see tyler tomorrow..


	36. october 26

will;

miss stirling says i'm making progress.

i want to correct her. i feel like i'm falling deeper into the darkness.

i'm losing myself each day.

i look at a stranger in the mirror.  
  
  


 **things i appreciated today:**  
\- 's laugh  
\- 's smile  
\- as a whole  
\- 's existence  
\- 's eyes  
\- 's body  
-how crazy i'm for , it pains me not being the reason of his happiness

t.r.j

* * *

the 'something' was right. tyler was absent today.

josh is really worried. he has not received any texts or calls from him.

_is he okay?_   
_is he sick?_   
_he would've told me if he was._   
_is he avoiding me?_   
_what happened to him?_   
_why hasn't he texted me?_   
_is he mad at me?_

those are only few of the thoughts swimming around josh's mind as he passes the patrick house on his way home.

"hi mrs. patrick," josh smiles at his neighbor and stops to talk to her. she's selling flowers today, freshly cut ones to be more specific.

"hello, joshua. getting home from school?" she smiles back as she organizes the lilies and roses.

"yeah. i had a long day today."

"you do look quite tired.. pardon me asking so abruptly, but did your-"

"my friend did like the flowers. he adored them. you should've seen the smile on his face! they made him so happy!" josh's face lights up as he talks about his crush. he is head over heels for tyler.

"i'm glad he did."

"he didn't come to school today.. i'm really worried about him. he hasn't called or anything.."

"then you call him! don't wait around for him. that's stupid. take the first step. who knows, maybe he's too scared to do it himself."

josh nods. "you know what? i will! thank you so much, mrs. patrick. actually..." he takes a $5 bill out of his pocket and hands it to her. "give me more of the yellow flowers please. as many as i can afford with this."

she takes the money and hands him the pre-made bouquet. "you're going to fill his house to the brim with my flowers, joshua."

"that's the plan..that's the plan."


	37. october 26 pt. 2

josh puts the flowers on a glass filled with water as he calls tyler for the first time. his hands are shaking due to the anticipation.

first ring.  
second ring.  
third ring.  
fourth ring.

_"h-hi! y-you've reached tyler! leave your message after the tone and i'll call you back!"_ **_beep._ **

"hey, ty. um, i was wondering why you didn't go to school today. you didn't call me or anything.. please call me back as soon as you get this message. goodbye!"

**_beep._ **

there. he's done it. he called and now he just has to wait for a response. easy. somehow, this only makes josh feel worse.

_why isn't he picking up the phone?_   
_is he safe?_   
_should i call him again later?_   
_maybe he can't talk... no, i wouldn't have been sent to voicemail. right?_

josh dials up the number again. just out of curiosity.

one ring.  
two rings.  
three rings.  
four rings.

" _h-hi! y-you've reached tyler! leave your message after the tone and i'll call you back!_ " **_beep._**

"hey. it's me again. i was just checking in..out of curiosity. i hope you're okay. please call me back. bye."

**_beep._ **

* * *

it's 11:52 pm.

josh has called tyler 34 times, left 28 voice mails and texted him 73 times.

is he desperate? yes. yes he is.

_"h-hi! y-you've reached tyler! leave your message after the tone and i'll call you back!"_ **_beep._ **

_one last voicemail._

"hey. it's josh...again. i'm really freaking worried, ty. your absence is killing me. i wanna talk to you and tell you something important. i also have a gift for you. i gotta go. goodnight. hope to see tomorrow! bye!"

**_beep._ **

josh puts his phone down on the nightstand and sighs. his whole body feels heavy, his mind feels tired.

he wants to sleep for ages.

he closes his eyes, hoping that he sees tyler tomorrow. the flowers might die otherwise.


	38. october 27

will;

i need to come to terms with my mental state. no, it doesn't mean that i'm giving in to my anxiety.

thanks to miss stirling, i have some methods to calm me down in case i get really anxious or have a panic attack written down.

none are guaranteed to work but hey, i'll take my chances. i have them on my binder so they're handy when i need them.

she has suggested medication for my depression. i told her that my parents don't really know about our sessions and they wouldn't be willing to pay for it.

it kinda hurt to see her scratch that from her notes so...vigorously.

now that i think about it, i should show miss stilring you, will.

maybe if i show her what i've been feeling or thinking she'll understand me more.

is that a bad idea? i hope not.

i'll see how it goes.

t.r.j

* * *

josh taps his fingers against his desk as he sees the people arrive to world history.

he is hoping to see tyler's face on the crowd but he doesn't.

the bell rings and mr. jefferson is about to close the door when a miracle happens. a sweaty, panting and tired tyler shows up. he hands the teacher a piece of paper as he tries to recover from whatever he did.

mr. jefferson skims through the words and sighs in annoyance. "you're lucky i'm letting you in this time, mr. joseph. go sit down."

the sophomore nods and nervously walks to his seat. all eyes are on him as he gets out his book and doesn't speak to anyone.

this sets off many alarms inside josh's brain.

during the whole period, he stares at his younger friend. he knows something happened. something big enough for him to skip school.

"go with your partners to keep discussing the project. speak low, alright? no noise or we go back to the lecture," mr. jefferson says coldly as he sits on his desk and grades some papers.

josh takes less than a second to get up and sit on the desk next to tyler's. "hi," he says with a smile on his face.

"h-hey. sorry i left you alone yesterday..." tyler's stutter has definitely come back, even if he seems to trust josh enough to not be nervous anymore.

"don't worry about it."

"r-really?"

"definitely. it's all good."

josh smiles at his project partner with the purest intentions.

tyler smiles back at his project partner as he tries to hide how much he wants to do something unspeakable.

_pretty yellow flowers for the pretty happy boy._


	39. october 28

will;

i don't wanna show you to miss stirling.

that decision was a mistake.

t.r.j.

* * *

josh invited tyler over to work on the presentation today.

he intends to give him the flowers as soon as he arrives. he can't wait to see his adorable smile all afternoon.

a soft knock on the open door makes josh's heart flutter with nothing but joy. "hi. you arrived!"

tyler nods and closes the door quietly. "your mom is so sweet."

"not as sweet as you," josh murmurs as he gets up from his bed. he takes the flowers from the glass on his desk and awkwardly holds them with a shy smile on his face.

"you g-got me more flowers?! josh, you seriously don't have to do this..."

the blush on tyler's cheeks is almost impossible to not notice. his smile is the cutest in the world, and the giggle he does as he takes them and really takes a good look at them is even cuter.

"t-thank you. i love them."

"i'm glad you do."

if it weren't for their shyness, they would've shared a small kiss right then and there.


	40. october 29

the next entry on the journal is mostly doodles. some are flowers, stars, clouds and so on. nature related things.

a few of them are colored. and it's the roses. all of them are in different colors: red, white, pink, yellow....

"j-josh?" tyler brings josh back to reality with his sweet, angelic voice. the sophomore still gets shy around his friend, how he blushes whenever they speak to each other is quite adorable.

"sorry. i was day-dreaming i guess."

"it's okay. i just want your opinion on this slide. should i keep this font or change it back?"

josh examines the last slide on the powerpoint presentation displayed on his computer. the font is called bakery, it has a calligraphy feel to it. "i like it. really fancy. mr. jefferson might appreciate that."

"okay. i'm almost done."

"you didn't have to do this all yourself."

tyler chuckles, "only because you're gonna do most of the talking. i'll still get too nervous and mess up my parts."

"don't say that. you're gonna do great." before the younger boy can move forward and continue the project, josh places his hand on top of his. it's only for a moment, but it feels like forever. the touch is almost electric, with a sense of warmth to it.

there is no other comforting thing that can surpass this. tyler's whole face turns red, his hands shaking and becoming sweaty. his speech also becomes more stutter like. "t-thank you..."

after a short awkward silence, they look at each other shyly. every millisecond goes as slow as it can go. it truly seems like no time has passed since they started to exchange this glance. their eyes flicker between their eyes and other key features of their faces.

"you're so k-kind to me, josh.. first you defend me, then you bring me f-flowers, now this.. i don't know how to repay you..."

"you deserve this and so much more. even if you don't realize it. god, i hate seeing how people treat you. you're the sweetest person i've ever known and if those assholes can't see it, then to hell with them."

the deepest, darkest shade of red isn't even close to describe how much tyler is blushing. he has tears forming on his eyes. his hands are still shaking, often accidentally clicking the 'save' button repeatedly. on an act to keep praising him, josh takes his right hand again and doesn't let go. at least for a solid 5 minutes.

there is no sexual tension to be found. every feeling is either purely platonic or purely romantic.

hearts beat faster, millions of thoughts come and go. the world seems more vivid, colors are brighter. sounds and smells become even more powerful. don't even ask about touch. every single motion made is felt to its deepest level.

"josh..."

"yeah?"

"thank you.."

"for what?" the look on the sophomore's face isn't what josh was expecting.

"everything."

* * *

josh is sitting alone in his room.

tyler left to go home about an hour ago.

and he misses him.

his whole existence feels empty.

his heart aches for him.

this isn't like anything he's felt before.

he decides to read another entry, it's the closest thing to having tyler next to him he can do right now.

* * *

will;

i got a date.

finally.

10.31.18

this is so important to me. i hope i can bring you in this journey with me.

if not, thanks for everything.

t.r.j.

* * *

"no no no. fuck! no!"

josh furiously throws the journal against the wall and loses all of his sanity in one short entry.

he grabs the journal from the floor and stares at it with tears already running down his cheeks.

none of his emotions are working according to the standards. both his rage and sadness are unleashed, battling against one another for all of the power. he can hear the blood running through his veins, he can almost hear how the blinks and breathes. which speaking of, he is having difficulty with achieving. his lungs feel like they are being compressed, allowing very little, to almost none, oxygen to flow through them.

his throat feels like it's closing. every movement hurts as if he is walking over burning rocks under the shining sun.

pain. despair. agony. torture. wrath. sorrow. anxiety. grief. sadness. confusion. rage. gloom. passion.

those are only a few words that can describe all he is feeling inside.

if a simple connection of words is having such an emotional reaction from him, how will the real thing be?

as much as he is denying it in his mind, it still wonders how school with be without him.

no more cute doodles on the margins of notebook pages. no more shy smiles. no more adorable conversations. no more blushing over compliments. no more undercover flirting. no more someone to give yellow roses to.

everything will be over if tyler leaves.

he never mentioned how he'll get to that city or the resources he'll use to accomplish such thing.

josh's hands shake as he takes his phone and dials his crush's number.

 _one ring_.

" _hello?_ "

the comforting voice of tyler's is the only thing that keeps josh as grounded as he can. "tyler, thank god."

" _what's wrong? are you okay?_ "

"y-yeah. i'm...fine. i was worried about you."

a brief second of silence passes before tyler replies. " _why? is there something wrong with the project?_ "

"no. not at all."

" _oh.. what is it then?_ "

"i have a question."

" _which is..?_ "

"you would tell me if anything happened to you, right?"

josh knows that this conversation isn't going the way it should. he is panicking. he'll regret everything he said and he didn't say. no matter what, he doesn't want to let tyler go. he can't.

he has become dependent of him.

" _of course. why? you're making me be worried now.._ "

"just.. please, think twice before you do anything. i know this sounds sketchy, but you never know who you might hurt."

" _... are you high?_ "

the tone of innocence on the question drives josh over the edge, making the image of losing him even more painful than it already can be. "no, i'm not. don't worry about me."

" _if you say so. i gotta go. i'm really tired._ "

"okay. i care about you, alright? you're my friend and you mean a lot to me. stay safe."

again, judging by the tone of tyler's voice, he is being weirded out by the junior's attitude. " _thank you.. you mean so much to me too. goodnight._ "

"goodnight.. lo-...," a brief sigh from josh shows his defeat on trying to save his friend from committing the worse choice he can every make, "sweet dreams."

 _click_. 

* * *

the next morning, josh carries the journal on his arms and not his backpack.


	41. october 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a big one, get ready
> 
> tw// semi heavy descriptions of mental health and panic attacks

the noise that his classmates make is almost nonexistent to his ears. only the tick tock of the clock is heard. his eyes are focused on the floor under his feet. reality is slowly getting away from his grip as he keeps staring into oblivion.

he can feel himself fall deeper into the void.

his body floating on a darkness that's as opaque as a black hole.

the light of real life, the hopeful white star that kept him grounded all these years, getting smaller and smaller as the endless black space consumes him entirely.

his lungs are desperate for air. the lack of oxygen is making his brain scream for something to bring sense into itself. without it, he'll collapse. his breaths come in short, momentary gasps. his chest is too tight and his throat is slowly closing up.

he wants to scream. he needs to scream.

he needs to signal that he needs help.

but there is nothing.

he can't stop wheezing, small dozes of air coming in at random times.

nothing he would've known before is helpful now.

he feels like a secondary character on his own life. losing himself as other people take center stage in the story of who he was and was supposed to become.

his hands turn colder. his whole body loses warmth as the white spotlight is merely a faraway star on the dark sky that is his new home.

though, he is not accepting this fate. he is fighting this pain, this merciless punishment for actions he was forced to commit.

everything hurts.

pain. such unbearable agony.

the darkness is eating him alive in the most hurtful way imaginable.

his voice has been taken away. he cannot scream out for help.

no one can hear him.

no one acknowledges that he is dying.

tears from his eyes float away from his body.

his mind overflowing with grains of indecision. the choices he once made and he'll make turn impatient as the time runs out from his body and all sense of his place in the universe fades away.

his whole body shakes, fear and anxiety replace the blood on his veins.

his body is cramping, knees are shaking as old thoughts he gave for lost crawl back into his tortured mind and he can feel and hear all the colors and cracks and sounds as he shudders, rocking back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.

he is consumed by his own shadow. grief and guilt twisting his thoughts further into what would be considered the worst thing ever imaginable. he's almost gone completely insane.

he's living so far inside his mind that he has completely forgotten about the outside world.

he is like schrödinger's cat: he is living and dead. no other way around it. no suspicious or theories. he is existing in a place that knows nothing but suffering.

all the meanings people gave to life are written in paper that get destroyed once he reaches them.

he can only see a handful of words. and they all stab him and stay.

the words bury on his body, his soul, digging deeper and failing to rip his skeleton from his flesh.

to accompany those hurtful words, everything he's ever said and everything he wished he'd said take shape. seemingly endless paragraphs built palaces, each one more complex than the last one.

they contradict each other, linking and weaving with one another. they engulf him, no inch is free for him to escape as the small space becomes tighter.

all of them clear up and go down his throat into his chest. they fill the empty space, kicking the last remains of air out, letting him float. it's nothing but emptiness..

a tiny speck of something stops it all.

a touch. it warms up his body. takes away the pain with nothing but a soft tap on his shoulder. he can hear the person's heart as if it is right next to his ear.

he wants to throw everything to the side and embrace that person, melt into his body for comfort and familiarity.

he wants to stop crying.

he wants the person to say everything will be okay, that he will be okay. even if it's a lie.

 _josh_.

he found a way to save him asking for nothing in return. he had no expectations for him.

he gave him all the positivity and reassurance needed to keep sane and keep going.

he figured that out no long ago.

it all seemed fake. before the flowers, it appeared that he was in love with someone else. but no.

he's making his friend whole again in any way he can. even if that means sending him off to live a life without him.

even the thought of that hurts him.

he doesn't know pain.

he doesn't.

not like this.

and   
he never will.

* * *

"i'm taking tyler to the nurse," josh says as he packs his stuff on his backpack and throws it over his shoulder.

the sophomore is still quietly shaking in his seat. his cries have become loud enough for people to notice him. mr. jefferson doesn't seem to care.

"mr. dun leave him alone. he's fine," the annoyed middle aged teacher says as he keeps writing on the board.

"are you serious? he's having a panic attack and you choose to let him be? you're way shittier than i thought you were." josh kneels down next to tyler and slowly touches his arm, trying not to hurry into physical contact. "ty, it's okay. let's get you out of this shithole."

a sniff or two in response are enough for the junior to shove all the notebooks and papers into his friend's backpack. he holds out his arm for a support as they leave the classroom. mr. jefferson's expression is nothing but anger and rage. it wouldn't surprise josh if he writes him up a detention slip for cursing at him.

"i fucking hate him. he's the worst asshole i've ever met."

halfway through their trip, tyler falls to the floor, not being able to support himself thanks to his shaking knees.

josh proceeds to drop everything on the floor and hold him as close as humanly possible. he rubs his back, the coldness of his friend's skin terrifies him. he is descending into chaos. "it's okay, tyler. you're gonna be okay."

"n-no..."

"you will. we'll get to the nurse and i'll get you home. my place, i'm sure my mom won't be there. we can stay there as long as you want. does that sound good?"

tyler nods weakly, he looks to be in too much pain to even cry.

"okay. let's get you up. slow and steady."

"s-slow and steady."

* * *

miss hansen couldn't bare to see tyler like this, so she was more than willing to send him home. she knows how awful panic attacks can be. the last thing she wants is to see such a kind, pure child like him suffer.

she didn't even tell them to ask miss stirling for a pass. she wrote it herself.

"you don't have to do this, josh," tyler mumbles as the older boy puts their stuff on the backseat.

thankfully, he drove himself to school that day. he would've needed to ask brendon for his car if he hadn't. and yes, he isn't the best driver by any means, he doesn't even know why he's allowed to drive at all or have a license but he'll take it. "yes i do."

as he slams the car door shut, tyler gets in, small gasps of agony escape his mouth. "are you okay? should we go to the hospital?"

"no.. no, no no. i'm fine. let's go to your place.. please."

without further questioning that's exactly what josh does.

* * *

once they're settled in josh's room, he runs from the kitchen back to the room with some cookies, the tea is still warming up. not exactly a healthy snack but it's the closest comforting thing he found.

"here you go. maybe this will help,"he hands the plate to tyler carefully,"the tea will be done in a few minutes."

"thank you.."

josh sits next to him, his hand over tyler's again.. "you're so brave. you're doing great. now you get to calm down in peace."

"i'm anything but brave or great."

"lies. you are amazing and so brave."

"what's with all this praise? you barely even knew i existed before. now, you bring me flowers and make me feel things i don't know how to explain," tyler sighs,"you make me feel things."

"...and?"

"you make me _feel_. it's been...years...since i've felt anything remotely happy."

josh's heart breaks a little more. "what are you trying to say?"

"i- i don't know. i don't wanna know. i only know that you are too kind for your own good." tyler gets up as he walks around the room looking lost. his hands shaking on his jean pockets. his eyes scanning the room for things to ground himself with. "nobody has treated me like you have. it's new. it's interesting. i don't know if i like it."

"you deserve this and so much more. you're such a kind person, tyler. all those people don't know what they're missing. i'll never get tired of telling you how much i enjoy your company and how i am-"

he gets interrupted as he sees tyler with the black and red journal on his hands. his fingers trembling as he touches the cover to see if it's real. he turns the pages slowly, shock fills his face when he sees the contents of it. "josh... where did you find this?"

"sh- look, i can explain."

"is this why you've been good to me? i'm your charity work?"

josh gets startled by this accusation. he wants to explain the whole story of how he found it and how their friendship came to be. but if he does, it'll expose him for being an intruder in tyler's personal life. "it's nothing like that, okay? i found it near the fields and i was gonna return it but-"

"you were too curious to know how messed up the owner was? this has so many personal things and thoughts, joshua! things i have never told anyone! and as far as i know, you could be spreading them among your stupid soccer friends!"

"tyler." the oldest boy reaches out but his happiness avoids his mere touch now.

the sophomore grabs his backpack and the journal; he rushes down the staircase, josh shortly behind. "tyler wait! i can explain! i swear it all make sense!"

"no! screw you! i trusted you! i really did! you are my only friend! and you pull crap like this! you invaded my privacy! i've been looking for this for like a month and all this time it was you who had it! you! you, you, you you! you, the guy i took for granted! you, the guy i thought would protect me from his friends and people who could hurt me! you, the guy who i have been in love with since god knows when! you, you, you, you and no one else but you! fuck you, joshua dun! i never want to see you in my life ever again!"

each word hurts josh as if he is being stabbed repeatedly. he wants to speak, say something back...

he runs after tyler on the street, not caring if he locked the front door or not. "tyler, please wait! i am so fucking sorry!"

tyler stops dead on his tracks and turns around. his face red just like his eyes. tears have caused his eyelashes and cheeks to get wet, all eventually rolling down his chin into the ground.

"leave me alone! i never want to see or hear from you again! you! you- you...you betrayed me... and i cannot forgive you for that. i'm sorry but i can't. please... leave me alone... the time we spent together.. it is gone now. it was nice..it was nice imagining what it could've been. goodbye joshua." he keeps walking.

and those are the last words josh heard before it all came crashing down.

and those are the last words josh heard before accepting every punishment coming his way.

and those are the last words josh heard before sobbing his heart out.

and those are the last words josh heard tyler say..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, that was something.
> 
> END OF BOOK 1.


	42. december 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOK TWO BABY!!

josh never forgot.

the cold breeze along with the rain sets a sad mood. he can feel it. he sighs as the downpour falls down harder by the minute.

he looks down at his phone.

only one notification is on the screen.

 _tyler's birthday_ 🌻💛

he sniffs. a drop of water falls on the screen, not from the rain. 

where did he go wrong?

it's been weeks since tyler disappeared.

his parents didn't really seem to care. the school made a big deal out of it. the sophomore would've been impressed with how much people now supposedly miss him.

josh knows that's all a façade.

he misses his friend so much.

he often spots mrs. patrick selling more yellow flowers and he breaks down.

his emotions are all over the place.

he had to give the presentation alone. mr. jefferson gave him extra credit out of pity.

he wonders if wherever tyler is, that people appreciate him.

he misses him.

he misses his cute smiles, his adorable laugh, his precious blushing.

he unlocks his phone and sighs as he is about to do the most stupid thing he's ever done, aside from invading tyler's privacy.

 **josh dun** : happy birthday 💛 i hope you're having a good day, wherever you are.

he hits send.

and he waits.

he closes his eyes for a moment. he tries to picture his last memory of him, happy of course.

they were about to kiss that one time.

he wants to see him again. no, he needs to.

tyler was his sanity.

his sense of hope.

his source of happiness.

his crush.

the first love. _love_ , yeah.

he had fallen so deep..

so so so deep.

he wants to see him again.  
  
  


 **tyler** 🌻: thank you.  
  


his heart stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter works a bit better with the wattpad format since it had a photo to give context to the beginning of the chapter but oh well


	43. december 2

"hello, joshua. how's your day going?" mrs. patrick says when josh stops at her house.

"good so far, i guess. mom sent me for some flower arrangements she told you about," josh dryly says as his fingers play around with the hem of his shirt.

"right!" the woman reaches for a cardboard box with around 10 medium sized arrangements of red tinted flowers. "she already paid for them, don't worry."

he takes the box, being surprised about how light it is. "thank you."

he turns around to return home before her voice stops him.

"what about a yellow tulip?"

time stops.

he coughs and shakes his head without turning around to look at her. "no thank you."

silence.

"joshua. sweetheart, are you okay?"

"yeah... i just... i don't need those anymore."

she nods silently. she can feel the pain in his voice, in his way of standing and gripping the box tightly to ground himself.

the cold air touches his face softly. his fingertips turning a shade of deep red as his grip gets stronger. "thanks for remembering though."

a weak, seemingly faint smile on mrs. patrick face forms, "i'll always do. i'll have it here if you ever need it."

he nods, the breeze freezing his upcoming tears and turning them into beautiful, shiny water droplets that are so close they could be called ice.

as he walks back home, his mind becomes foggy with memories.

he still cannot believe that tyler replied to his text.

it's... something.

he wants to find out where he is.

he wants to see him again.

as he remembers the yellow tulip, it comes back to him.

"a beautiful bouquet for a beautiful boy..."


	44. december 3

oh poor joshua.

he wants to find tyler so badly.

but where can he even begin to find him?

he desperately looks back at the notes he made weeks ago about possible cities he could go to.

there were at least a few, and some of them aren't even inside ohio.

it would take a long time to go to them all and take a look. the towns can't exactly be big, tyler doesn't seem like the guy who would run away to a big scary city on his own. it would be a miracle if josh could even find someone who has seen him around.

before it even begins, his mission is already a failure.

he sighs, the desperation on his body continues to grow. if he had more information about tyler, maybe he could decode where he is.

he opens facebook on his phone and looks tyler up. his profile is mostly blank and abandoned, barely having a profile picture.

still, there is a couple of things that catch josh's attention. most are mentions of a certain nearby town by lgbtq+ pages. it's a good enough beginning considering the circumstances.  
  


 **josh dun** : i'll find you, y'know?  
 **josh dun** : i'm not giving up on you  
  


he wants to find him so bad.

before this year ends... he'll have tyler back.

if everything goes according to plan, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these next few chapters aren't the best, soz


	45. december 4

**poem #24: hands**

**hands**

_your hands_   
_oh, they're always touching me_   
_they're around my face and my body,_   
_looking for something to hold onto_

_but there's nothing_   
_they're trying to grab my ghostly figure_   
_a figure barely present,_   
_a figure that doesn't want to exist_

_yet you still try_   
_your hands look for me_   
_they try so hard to hold me,_   
_keep me with you_

_"please don't let go", i say_   
_even if i'm the one trying to get away from you_

_your hands reach for me_   
_but i'm already gone_   
  


hello !! tyler here !!

it's been a few days since i have written to you guys.

i've been a little busy with stuff, mainly personal things. but don't worry!! i'm okay. well, as okay as i can be.

anyway, here's today's poem! it's short and it may not make sense at all, it doesn't even rhyme or anything, but i like it i guess..

i would love to know what you guys think of it! it's a little rough around the edges, i know.

goodbye! see you tomorrow!

-tyler 

**flowers-andmore-flowers** : i love this one! is it about someone in specific like _yellow tulips_ and _raindrops_?

 **toalltheeyesinmyroom** : thank you!! it is. most of them are, actually. one very specific, special person

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tyler's alive and well, y'all
> 
> we're gonna pretend like the poetry is good for the story's sake, alright? even tho i like this poem


	46. december 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm trying to edit these chapters as much as i can but sorry if they still suck

josh spends most of his time on his computer when he's not at soccer practice or hanging out with his friends.

he goes from site to site, trying to drown out the feeling of loneliness he feels right now. yes, he has his friends who are always coming up with new plans and parties. it's fun and all but he just wants to hang out with them, not a house full of other people and them. it's the curse of being somewhat of an introvert in a group mostly full of extroverts.

he has his favorite playlist in the background as he goes from twitter to instagram and so on. despite being one of the most popular junior guys, he doesn't have much to check.

his notifications are scarce aside from every other snapchat and likes to his pictures.

he has the group chat with his friends in silent. that's the only number that stands out.

he sighs as he goes into tumblr and tries to find something that will catch his attention.

his feed is full of aesthetically pleasing pictures, mostly solid colors and flowers. this is only on his secret account though. josh has a personal one where he reblogs shitposts and stuff brendon shows him. but on his alternate one, he can escape from being josh and instead be just an aesthetic anonymous guy. in this blog, he has a mixture of things like aesthetics, poems and so on. even fanfictions if he feels like it.

he sees a post from one of his favorite blogs talking about beautiful poetry they have found in tumblr. the blog links the poems and everything.

he decides to read them, all 20 of them.

most are too dark or too dull, but there are a few gems.

one catches his eye, it's called _yellow tulips_.

it's the most beautiful poem he has ever read. he even feels like crying by the end. it feels so familiar.

it hit too close to home.

too close...

he reads the author's note....

"tyler."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the plot thickens


	47. december 6

josh spent most of his night looking through the blog. he read all of the poems, each of them destroyed his emotions, to find a clue to where tyler could be. he looked at the rest of the posts but nothing stood out, most pictures were reblogs from someone else.

he is no detective so all he knows is that he is safe, has a place to sleep in and a decent internet connection. however, that could be anywhere these days. tyler could be in the neighboring town or in los angeles. he could even be in europe at this point if he really tried.

josh sighs and decides to take a shower to get his mind off this. he barely got any sleep at all, even if he woke up at 1:26 pm. all he can do for now is wait to see another poem, if it ever is one.

he plays his shower playlist as he turns the hot water on and waits for it to warm up enough to jump in. he's the only child in his family to have a private bathroom, his siblings have to share one, and he is so thankful for it.

he lets the water hit his body for a moment, soaking in the warmth he was lacking, it has been really cold lately. his hair feels greasy and so dirty since he hasn't showered in 3 days. self care has been the last thing he has been worrying about.

"josh, honey, lunch is gonna be ready in a few. hurry so you can eat it warm," josh's mom says through the bathroom door, knocking to get his attention over the music.

"okay, mom. be right there." he knows that's not the full truth since he will take his sweet time in the shower. 

he washes his hair and body, cleanses his face and just stands there thinking for a while. his playlist is finished by the time he gets out. he finishes dressing up quickly and doesn't bother brushing his hair. it can air dry into a nice set of curls and he's now truly embracing that style. he goes to the dinner table and sees the hot soup on his place. steam is still coming out from it.

"i thought we were gonna have to eat without you," his brother mutters annoyed.

"it's better than have him smell bad," his sister responds while she looks at her phone and types rapidly into it. 

josh is the oldest of 3. well, for now, since his parents have considered having another child. they're still young enough to have one, but josh knows it would be a pain to have a child preparing for college while the other one is still in diapers. he doesn't mind the idea of having another sibling, he just worries that it would be a lot to manage at the same time.

"whatever. you could've started without me," he responds.

"mom wanted us to wait," jordan rolls his eyes while he waits for his spoonful of soup to cool down.

"we are a family and we will eat as such, you know that," momma dun says all the way from the kitchen. she brings another plate with bread to accompany the meal josh's dad prepared.

they eat mostly in silence, ashley talks about how her cheerleading practice went and that's the whole subject of dinner. the beginning of winter and the colder months is the most uneventful time in the dun household. 

the quiet keeps going until josh has an idea.

"mom, i was thinking of spending christmas with brendon this year."

"oh. is that so? why?"

"well, his parents are gonna be in singapore until january and i don't want him to be lonely. i promise i can give you the gifts i have for you early." that was a lie, he doesn't have any presents ready yet, but they don't have to know that.

jordan and ashley look at each other and then at josh. they both know josh has a way with their mom, it usually gets him whatever he wants. the brother raises an eyebrow and dares to question the eldest child, "you could invite him over. you always do that."

josh tries to come up with an excuse, "he could feel like i'm doing charity work, besides, he has to look after the house because the staff are going home for the holidays."

laura thinks about the request for a moment. "hm, i think it's a good idea, i'm sure he'd appreciate your company, sweetie. what do you think, bill?"

"i also think it's a great idea. that's really nice of you, joshua. i'm sure brendon will appreciate your friendship," bill replies, his attention mostly on the food in front of him.

"well if your father says yes, then you can go. and don't worry about the gifts. you can give them to us afterwards."

josh breathes out, the worry gone after his brother almost ruined his idea. the rest of the dinner goes smoother. something inside josh's head puts out another idea. if they said yes to missing christmas with them...hm. "i have something else to say."

"what is it, honey?"

"i've been meaning to tell you something for a while. i think it's time i do,´´ he realizes what his mouth is letting go for a moment and immediately wants to backtrack, ´´oh god i can't believe i am genuinely doing this right now."

he can feel all of their eyes looking at him. he should've stayed quiet but now it's too late. he already peaked their interest. "nevermind, it's nothing."

"are you sure, sweetie? you look nervous. is something wrong?" his mom reaches for his hand to hold it but he pulls it away. he doesn't know how they will react. he's sure about the fact that they already know... they must know, right? it's a little obvious. it would be surprising if they didn't.

still, saying it freaks him out. the only person who know are mrs. patrick and brendon. and brendon only knows because he stumbled upon it. not really, but it counts.

he looks at his dad, then at his siblings. he is panicking. he can feel sweat all over his body, that shower was useless. his hand is shaking underneath the table. he has seen tyler have a panic attack before, but he isn't sure if that's what's happening. it can't be a panic attack. he knows how those look, he knows the basic symptoms. it doesn't feel like the world is ending, but god, does it feel like it's been a thousand years in the last few milliseconds. he needs to learn to connect his mouth to his brain to stop himself from doing dumb decisions like this without thinking about it beforehand.

_god, josh. you should've stayed quiet._

"i'm..bisexual...?" he breathes as he takes fresh air in to stop his nerves from spiraling out of control.

there is no response from anyone. he closes his eyes as his hands loosen up and he feels a tiny bit more relaxed. "i'm bisexual." he repeats it just in case they thought he was joking around.

"you're...bisexual? that's what you were scared of telling us? oh honey, it's okay. we love you and accept you for who you are. right?" his mom takes his hand and looks at the rest of the family.

ashley looks surprised about this revelation. meanwhile jordan just looks confused. he is 11 years old after all and what he knows about lgbtq+ people is reserved to an episode of _friends_. "so you're gay?" his little brother asks him with eyes full of curiosity.

"no, i'm not. i do like boys but i also like girls," josh explains, still nervous about the reactions.

"oh. well. you can date more people, then?"

"heh, i guess so."

he follows the path that his sister's expressions take, going from shock to happy. "that's so cool. i just thought you were a weirdo when you tried to buy that pin for your backpack when we went to hot topic in april. it really makes sense now."

"what pin?"

"the purple, pink and blue one. i can't believe i didn't put two and two together before. we can talk about boys together now, not to be cliché or anything like that." she says and gets up to leave her bowl in the sink before going to her room upstairs. that's not really the response josh expected to hear but he is glad nonetheless. lastly, he glances at his dad sitting across the table.

his dad is just eating the remaining bread, looking unbothered. "dad..?"

"oh, sorry. i already knew."

"you-... you did?" josh asks, a little worried that he saw his second tumblr or saw when him and brendon used to makeout in his room ages ago. it was nothing big, only that they wanted to see if anything between them sparked since they're both into guys. it didn't though. what a shame, they really thought they would go well together.

"yeah. you left a wikipedia page for something of the sort open on the computer when you were younger. i didn't mention anything because i thought you would want to tell us yourself," his dad replies without a care in the world, "but i just want you to know that we support you, okay? you don't have to worry about it anymore."

a wave of relief washes over josh. "thank you. i didn't know how you would react."

"you know we love you. this doesn't change anything, alright?" his mom kisses his forehead and gets up to go to the kitchen, "anyone want some dessert? we can have brownie with ice cream."

jordan's eyes light up at the mention of dessert, "i want some!"

"i think i'll pass, thanks anyway," josh replies while he cleans up the table.

´´no thanks, honey. i'm full,´´ bill adds.

his dad helps out with the spoons and glasses and pulls josh apart for a moment while the other family members are distracted with dessert. "okay, joshua. be honest with me. did you come out to us because you're spending time with brendon for another reason? if he's your boyfriend you don't have to be scared to tell us."

"what? oh no. he's just my friend, dad. i don't see him as anything more than that. _really_."

"alright. i just wanted to know."

josh scoffs, "you don't have to worry about me. i'm not gonna do anything interesting other than eat a lot of food there."

the small conversation ends and josh rushes to his room feeling revived. he didn't plan to come out at all today, but a weight has lifted off his shoulders. he grabs his laptop and opens up google. his fingers move frantically as he looks up tyler's blog and a car rental service.

christmas time at brendon's is gonna involve more road trip and searching than food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what a chapter. the plot keeps on getting intense, y'all. look out for details ;)


	48. december 7

**bad day :(**

hey guys. sorry that i went missing for those few days, i had so much going on and didn't have time to write a new poem for today.

i've been feeling a little down too. nothing major i promise, i'm doing much better than i used to but i still feel sad.

thank you for all the kind messages you send me!! i want to make up for it so i will answer any questions you have on a #askty.

just drop your q's on my inbox and i'll try to answer them all :]

-tyler

**anonymous:** are you living on your own? you never mention your parents so i'm confused  
 **toalltheeyesinmyroom:** sort of. it's complicated. but i certainly don't live with my parents

 **sparkling-wand:** your poems are so cute and sweet. can i commission you to write one?  
 **toalltheeyesinmyroom:** yup, i can really use the money tbh haha. send me a pm and i'll tell you more

 **spookyguysscareme:** have you ever been in love?  
 **toalltheeyesinmyroom:** once. it was more than enough

 **iwannakissyour-neck:** favorite food?  
 **toalltheeyesinmyroom:** mcdonald's chicken nuggets

 **lxveme:** any dating advice?  
 **toalltheeyesinmyroom:** don't trust your heart too much, it can make a fool out of you sometimes. trust me

 **anonymous:** i wanna marry you uwu  
 **toalltheeyesinmyroom:** let's get married anon xx

 **anonymous:** where do you live?  
 **toalltheeyesinmyroom:** i'm not gonna say exactly where since i don't want stalkers but i can say that it's a small-ish town. super cute and forward thinking. i really love it here

 **yellowflowersinmyhair:** i've missed you tyler  
 **toalltheeyesinmyroom:** i was only gone for a few days, dw about me  
 **yellowflowersinmyhair:** ..still. i'm glad to have you back  
 **toalltheeyesinmyroom:** dw, my friend. you're not gonna lose me again, xx

* * *

"you're fucking insane, dude. there's no way you can do that. no possible way," brendon shakes his head as he keeps his eyes on the tv in front of him. his focus is mainly on the video game him and josh are playing.

josh groans and smashes the buttons as furiously as he can. he sucks at mario kart but he wants to prove a point. "c'mon. i promise i'll return your car intact."

"it's not that. it's the fact that you want to go to fucking look for that kid. he can be anywhere, you know? it would take you more than just a few days to find him."

he should be focused on the game but truly josh doesn't care about that. he will lose the bet they have going on, however that in comparison is nothing. he gets from 6th place to 3rd place with a few shells, almost passing brendon. "okay, fuck you for choosing the fastest speed when we're discussing this. anyway, i can and will find him. i feel it in my heart. he's my friend, y'know? i want to know if he is okay."

"don't you think that if he wanted you to see him, he would tell you where he is? if he is your friend of course."

"he is, and he fucking ran away, remember? it's not my fault he left this shithole of a town."

"that's true, he is lucky on that." the race ends, brendon being in first at the last second while josh got stuck in 3rd place until the end. this game really isn't his specialty; if they were playing something else, josh would've won. "you owe me, dun."

josh rolls his eyes and puts the controller down next to him. he grabs his phone from the table in front of them and looks at any new notifications he has. "you already have enough money to buy the world, urie. don't make me give you more."

"i don't mean that, dumbass. you're not gonna give me money. i want to go in this little adventure with you."

"what?"

brendon goes to the main menu of the game to pause for a moment and sits in a way so he can face his friend. "i want to go with you. it's my car you want to take with you after all so it's only fair i go too. unless you want to pay for a rental one and have your parents find out that you lied to them."

that sentence alone makes josh freeze and curse himself for making the bet in the first place. he could use some help while on the road though. and he knows that brendon won't be pushy about repaying him the gas money since he knows he's not at all bathing in gold. "fine. but we have to be lowkey about it."

"me? not being lowkey? okay you're right, i'll be incognito about it," brendon laughs off as he selects a slower speed for the next round so josh can stop complaining, "you also have to tell me everything about him. i know you better than anyone, and _i_ don't even know what's so amazing about this guy."

"do i have to?" josh asks whining while he chooses a new character to race with.

"yes."

"alright. so basically, i found this notebook at school and i saw that it was someone's diary. i read a few pages to see to who it belonged to and it didn't have any name. i got hooked and kept reading this person's life. i connected a few dots about the information they had written down and what happened around me, and i figured out that it belonged to this kid in world history class. and like a big dumbass i started to like him."

"of course you did. you have a thing for guys like him. no wonder we wouldn't have worked out, i'm nothing like him." the new race begins and brendon's attention is on the road ahead of him.

"shut up. don't choose rainbow road because i will murder you if you do. anyhow, i began to talk to him. i chose him as my partner for the history project we had to do and from there we got close. that's why i took him to mcdonald's with us. i was about to kiss him and confess that i had a crush on him until he found his diary in my bag."

"he got mad at you and then ran away? ouch. that sucks, josh. to be fair, you didn't have to read his diary."

josh throws a pillow at brendon, which results in knocking the controller out of his hand, as a comeback. this gets brendon to twelfth place and josh takes the opportunity to take on first place. he knows his friend is right with what he said, but he doesn't want to confront it. "i know, okay? i just had to know who the person writing that diary was. i was in too deep by the time i first talked to him."

"my little joshie had his first love."

" _had_ is the keyword there, bren. i'm sure he no longer likes me, not after that."

brendon breaks no sweat on retaking his #1 spot on the race and even wins by a lot. "maybe. but maybe he still likes you. in a 'you read my diary that has my deepest thoughts and fears, didn't tell me you had said diary for the majority of our time together, made me fall in love with you by maybe manipulating me with said diary content and then i found out about it' kind of way."

"...you didn't have to go so dark with it, b. i get it. i was a jerk about it."

the door of the bedroom opens and brendon's mom is on the other side. she's holding a very expensive handbag that costs more than josh's entire house like it's a piece of paper with no value. "your dad and i are leaving, honey. we're gonna come back after new years, okay? if you need anything you can call the maids about it. goodbye, kids."

they say their goodbyes at the same time as the door closes.

"remember when you used to find my mom hot?" brendon blurts out. josh is surprised that brendon brings that up since he hates those types of jokes. brendon's close with his mom, even if he barely sees her around these days, so he doesn't want his friends lusting after her even if it's a joke. saying him bringing that up is shocking is a good way to explain the situation.

"yeah, that was a dark period. then i figured out that i liked your dad way more," josh jokes back, not expecting what happens next.

the same pillow that josh threw before is thrown back at him with a mighty force. "you're gross, dude. you wouldn't catch me saying that about your dad."

"you literally said that to me a few days ago. i may not win against you at mario kart but i sure as hell can out gay you."

"you wish. another round?"

"yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the editing in this chapter sucks, sorry for any confusing lines. i tried my best
> 
> i love brendon in this fic btw, probably my favorite character besides one that comes in later on


	49. december 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda trigger warning for a few mentions of sex

**faq**

hi guys. i made a q & a yesterday and noticed that a few people kept asking similar questions or things i've answered before. so i decided to make a faq!!

 **how old are you?** **when's your birthday?** i'm 16 years old, my birthday is on december 1st.  
 **do you live with your parents?** no, i don't. i live somewhere else.  
 **are you gay?** i'm panromantic homosexual so, in a way yes.   
**where do you live?** in a town a few hours away from cleveland, ohio, for now.  
 **do you go to high school?** i'm homeschooled.  
 **do you have a job?** yeah. i'm not gonna tell any details for security reasons.  
 **when did you start writing poetry?** a few months ago. i mostly threw the drafts away bc i thought they were all bad.   
**would you consider writing a poetry book?** maybe in the future when i have enough to make one.  
 **are you in a relationship?** not right now. and i don't really plan to be in one anytime soon.  
 **do you have instagram/twitter/any other social media?** no. i only have this blog for personal reasons.  
 **i wanna be your friend, where can i talk to you?** through private message, that's all i have. and i'm sorry if i take a long time to answer your message.

i'll add more questions in the future as i keep getting them.

see you guys tomorrow!!

-tyler

* * *

josh finishes packing his bags while he talks to brendon on the phone. they have planned their route almost perfectly. josh would prefer to go to every city but they can't physically do that in the amount of time they have.

he has the essentials with him, and a few miscellaneous items. he packed double the clothes since it's been colder and who knows he might need it. they plan to buy food at a target before they leave for the road. mostly junk food and things they can do at a cheap hotel room that have a basic stove or a microwave. that means lots of ramen noodles and oreos, which josh appreciates.

"are you bringing your switch?" josh asks as he folds his fourth pair of pants and puts it next to the others.

"of course. we need some kind of entertainment, y'know?"

"true. i'm sure we can play at rest stops or something." he hasn't taken in what this trip really means. he is too focused on the end that he hasn't thought about the journey to get there. he just wants to find tyler, even if he doesn't want to be found.

they have a plan. to make sure josh's parents don't find out, they'll take a few pictures at brendon's house and will post them as the days go by. truly a genius idea.

"are you ready to find your lover boy?"

josh rolls his eyes even if brendon can't see him. "shut up. and i am. i want to know if he is okay. he could be lying in his blog. he could be in danger."

"wouldn't it be crazy if he actually never left?"

"what do you mean?"

"i mean, what if he stayed here but he was so ashamed to go in public that he just stays home. you said he's homeschooled, right? he could be in his house."

"no no. he said he doesn't live with his parents. and for what i read in his journal, he really disliked them." he knows tyler would never do that. he remembers how on one of the entries he was planning on leaving, with a date and all.

josh looks over at his door. he can hear his mom baking cookies with his sister. he can his dad typing away on his computer in the small office room they have. he can hear his brother playing some video game in his room with his friends online. he knows he'll miss them while on the road, but his heart is too strong of an influence on his mind. tyler was his first real love; he actually cared so much about him and his well-being. even if tyler refuses to talk to him, he can be content with just seeing him be safe.

"well, we're leaving on the night of the 10th right?"

"yes."

"okay. i'm gonna ask lily if she can watch the house for us, hanukkah ends then so she'll be free."

"okay, cool. sounds like a plan," josh mutters as he zips up the clothing bag. he hasn't seen brendon's nanny in a while, not since they were kids. she became a friend of the family not long after that so brendon still talks to her. josh thinks it's cute how much brendon likes her, maybe even more than he likes his mom. the influence she had in his life is too strong.

"oh, i almost forgot, we should buy you condoms too."

"what?! why? why were you thinking about that?!" josh shakes his head in disgust and horror. brendon knows that he's the virgin of the group but he never brings it up. mainly because josh hasn't really dated anyone that sparked his interest that much...aside from him of course.

"well, in case tyler isn't totally over you-.." before brendon can continue his explanation josh is already cutting him off.

"oh my god. b, you know how much i love you and all but please shut the fuck up. i'm not gonna have sex with him even if he wants to talk to me. i'm not like that."

"i know, i know. you wanna save yourself like a good boy."

"it's not that."

"then?"

josh remains quiet for a few seconds. he trusts brendon with his life but there are a few things he'd rather keep to himself. "i just don't see the appeal of doing it right now. that's all."

"whatever floats your boat, dude. i gotta go, i think the pizza i ordered got here. bye!"

"bye, enjoy your food."

they hang up and josh is left alone in his room. he stares longingly at the pile of bags he has packed. he sits next to them on the bed and opens tumblr on his laptop. he switches to his second blog and starts to write a new post. 

* * *

**_yellowflowersinmyhair_ **   
**doubts about something**

hello my 3 active followers. i've been having some thoughts these past few weeks about something in particular: sex.

i know i'm not asexual or anything in that spectrum but i can't get my head around the idea of it. it's a totally foreign concept to me.

all my friends have had sex before, i'm the only one who hasn't and i feel like an outsider for it.

i know i shouldn't feel like this, but i can't help it. i feel like i need to be with the right person for it. a soulmate kind of deal. right moment, right person i guess. i'm still unsure about it. like when the moment arrives and i feel like it is the right moment, maybe i'll do it.

i'm not sure. have any of you felt like this before? i hope not, because this feeling sucks.

**toalltheeyesinmyroom:** i totally get it. you're not the only one.


	50. december 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's keep pretending the poetry is good for the sake of the story
> 
> kinda trigger warnings for mentions of sex and questioning of sexuality

**poem #25 : alone**

**alone**

_i always adored you_   
_from afar, i wished for you_

_every breath you took_   
_every word you spoke_   
_i wanted to be there with you_

_you fabricated all my smiles_   
_oh, what i would give for a kiss!_

_but now you're gone_   
_you left without a trace_

_now i'm alone_   
_left to wonder what happened to you_   
_what happened to your laugh and your smile_

_i wonder if you think the same of me_   
_i wonder if you think of me_   
_i wonder if you think about how you left me_   
_i wonder if you think about how i'm alone_   
  
  


hey guys!! this is a poem i found in my journal from a few weeks ago. i don't particularly like it, but i'm trying to post all my poems no matter if i like them or not.

-tyler

* * *

josh and brendon stare at the wall of snacks and junk food in front of them. they're tempted by all the choices, all of the brands and flavors they can get. josh grabs two packs of winter themed oreos out of instinct, one for each of them. he would get another pack, but he knows they should be even. even if they're only gonna be on the road for a week or so, he knows they'll get hungry a lot. so he decides to also get 2 packs of the golden oreos, just in case they run out of the first packs.

"what sounds more appetizing: dark chocolate covered pretzels or chocolate, coconut flakes and almonds trail mix?" brendon asks, taking a quick side glance at the rest of the snacks for more options. his mouth is already watering at the idea of any of the choices; he never has any food like this at home ever since his parents switched his meals to being healthier, mostly vegetables making him vegan, except for the occasional burger. but his parents aren't here right now.

josh drops 2 bags of doritos on the cart and stops to think about the question. "the pretzels. love me some trail mix, but i don't feel like it. we can get some almonds on their own if you want."

"hm, okay, you're right. i don't really like coconut flakes anyway," brendon takes the bag and throws it in the cart, "how many ramen noodles should we take? i'm sure we can afford to have food at like a diner, so we don't have to take a lot of noodles."

josh shrugs. he knows this is a short trip, a week at most. he still wants it to last forever though. he's never done a trip like this with brendon; the most they've ever done is go to disney world when they were like 10 years old. ever since then, they have been too busy with soccer to go anywhere outside the city for things that aren't tournaments. "maybe 5 packs each? we still have oreos and stuff. maybe we can have those for lunch? i don't know. we can shop for whatever we need at a walmart or something, right?"

"of course. i'm just saying, some of the towns are really small. so who knows what they have there."

they walk aisle after aisle, grabbing water, starbucks coffee packs and diet coke for drinks. josh has a list of the things they'll need on his phone, and they check it every so often to remind themselves that they need things like toilet paper, recyclable plates and so on. they walk past the pharmacy to get to the toilet paper and something inside brendon lights up. "we're almost forgetting something." he says it with such a careless tone that josh is legitimately confused at what they're missing. he already has tylenol in his bags just in case they have headaches or something of the sort. he looks down at his list and doesn't see anything written down for the pharmacy section.

"we are? i don't have anything on our list. we have a first aid kit in your car, right?" josh basically speaks to the nothingness since brendon walks off and returns with a box in his hand. he places it next to the oreos and grins. he motions josh to look at it, and when he does, josh wants the earth to swallow him. he feels his whole face get hot, he's so embarrassed. "oh my god..." he face palms to hide his blushing red cheeks. he can't believe brendon would do this. "i told you i don't need condoms."

"never say never."

"this isn't the time to quote justin bieber to me," josh grabs the box and gives it to his friend, avoiding eye contact to stop himself from getting even more red on his cheeks, "put it back before anyone sees it."

"why? it's just condoms. it's not like we're buying booze or anything." brendon laughs it off as normal, but inside josh is completely terrified. he doesn't want to tell brendon anything about how he feels. but he has to so he understands...right?

"that's not why! brendon..." he leans forward, almost getting in brendon's ear, his chest feels heavy as he whispers, "i'm scared."

this takes brendon aback, he feels horrible. "you're scared? of...sex? is that it? josh, why didn't you tell me?"

josh looks down at the ground, focusing on his shoes. "i don't feel comfortable talking about it in the middle of fucking target." he takes the cart off brendon's hands and walks towards the checkout line. brendon puts the box back in its place and joins josh in the line. they're all full, meaning they have to wait with awkward silence between them. they look in different directions, trying to focus on other things to get past the topic.

however, brendon can't help himself and speaks first.

"why didn't you say anything? you know you can trust me, right? i wouldn't have told anyone," brendon puts his hand over josh's and looks at him with comforting eyes. the warmth of his smile gets josh to smile a little too, but only because he loves his best friend a lot.

"it's not that. it's embarrassing. everyone thinks everyone in our group is always dating people and having sex in the gym bathrooms. i'm a fraud. i don't belong with you."

"that's not true. you know none of us are fucking or dating 24/7. it's fine that you aren't like that, you shouldn't have to be."

josh groans, frustrated that he can't explain his feelings to his friend. _he wouldn't understand_.

"i just... it feels so weird, the thought of it. just doing that with someone, literally anyone who feels like it... doesn't it _scare_ you?"

brendon lifts his eyebrow in confusion. he shakes his head, not entirely sure if that's what josh needs to hear. "not really. it's a natural thing. it's how we reproduce, isn't it? besides, it's good. like you can get super intimate with someone. get to see them for who they are, almost. you see every inch of them. oh god, it feels like the whole world stops and only you two exist. it's...it's fucking great. also the actual sex is amazing, depending on the person of course."

the last part gets josh to chuckle. he knows brendon can always cheer him up with a joke or something dumb he says. "i knew that would make you laugh."

"well, you always make me laugh."

"y'know, if we were into each other, we would be a killer couple. i make you laugh, you make me smile."

josh can't help but actually laugh at that. his friends always joke about it, saying how perfectly match and compliment each other. he never minded the jokes. it was cute how his friends thought he was a good enough fit for brendon's chaotic energy. he often remembers how they even believed it themselves at one point. how they used to makeout whenever it was just the two of them around. they much prefer to be friends, it feels more a bit more natural to them. "damn it. oh well, i guess we just have to live with it."

they get to the front of the line and brendon doesn't even hesitate to pay for everything himself. aside from the relationship jokes, everyone, mostly pete, said brendon was josh's unofficial sugar daddy. _you're not wrong_ , josh would usually say to himself. the total amount of money brendon has spent on josh is very ambiguous, but it's more than just a few bucks. 

once everything is paid for, they go to brendon's car and load up the back with the groceries. "are you sure you aren't demisexual?" brendon speaks out of seemingly nowhere, giving josh a whiplash experience on his end of the conversation.

"w-what?"

"demisexual. about the whole 'i'm scared of sex' thing. you're probably not scared, you just want it to be with someone who you _feel_ something for."

"maybe...? i'm not sure though. i don't think it's serious enough for me to consider it my sexuality." josh closes the trunk and goes to get in the passenger seat, praying that he understands why he doesn't seem too fond of the idea of sex.

brendon gets in the drivers seat, putting the keys in the ignition while connecting his phone to the bluetooth speakers. "so, maybe it's the fear of not being good?"

"no, i doubt it." josh takes the phone and gets to the various playlists he has set up in it. he chooses the one with most upbeat songs to guide himself away from the existential questions his mind is fabricating about his sexual orientation.

"hm... alright, what about only being scared of the _idea_ of sex, not the actual thing. or! or you genuinely have eyes for tyler alone and if it isn't with him, then you're doomed."

"i don't know. i wish i could tell you, really. i just don't understand the concept. maybe one day i'll know, but right now? i have no idea."

"that's okay. sorry for pushing you too much that you had to tell me so i would stop."

josh puts his hand on brendon's thigh. not sexually, more so to reassure him and let him know it's okay. "don't worry. i would've told you sooner or later anyway."

"true. best friends forever and shit." brendon starts to sing a long and dance to the music. he really seems to be enjoying himself now that things are clear between them. josh stares at his friend with love in his eyes. the love he feels for him isn't romantic, it's platonic, and that's exactly what they feel for each other. josh doesn't have any clue where he would be without brendon by his side. it's impossible for him to imagine a world where they aren't friends.

"best friends forever and shit," josh repeats in a low voice, low enough to be drowned out by the music.

he knows brendon heard him in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is another one of my favorite chapters of the book. i love josh and brendon's friendship too much


	51. december 10

**update!!**

hey guys!! there's no poem today but i wanted to talk to you guys about something. for the last few days, i've been seeing this guy. i met him at the lgbt center in my town. he's so sweet and super nice to me.

i won't reveal his name to keep his identity a secret. anyway, we have been talking and he asked me out on a date! a real, actual date! it's my first one ever. i'm so excited for it. he's gonna leave town for the holidays so the date'll happen tomorrow.

not sure about what we're doing yet, but even if it's just going for coffee i'll enjoy it. i can finally get my mind off things like work and other stuff. obviously i'll tell you how it went and almost every detail i can!

see you tomorrow!!

-tyler

**amxty-:** that's so cool!! is it the same guy you write your poems about? bc if it is then that's amazing  
 **toalltheeyesinmyroom:** nope. this is a completely different guy.

* * *

by 5 pm, josh and brendon have everything set out for their road trip. lily, brendon's former nanny, is already all set to stay until they come back. she doesn't mind looking after the house; that was a part of her job when brendon was younger anyway.

"i promise i'll pay you for this," brendon repeats for the hundredth time. he keeps insisting on paying her for this, but she refuses to accept a payment.

"no no. you know i would do anything for you, brenny. this is just a favor," lily says, her kind eyes soothing brendon's worry.

"are you sure?"

she nods, a big, warm smile on her face. she kisses his cheek, causing his cheeks to immediately blush. as much as he loves his actual mom, lily will always be like the mother he never had: caring, sweet and does spend time with him instead of only sending money for groceries. lily is his surrogate mother, to put it neatly. "of course. now, you should be leaving. i don't want either of you driving during the night."

josh comes back from the car, finally done with packing the luggage and food in the backseat and trunk. "thank you so much for this, lily," he says with a sweet voice. he also has a soft spot for her, being that he spent a lot of time over at brendon's when they were little kids. he was so scared of telling her the reasoning behind the road trip, but just like mrs. patrick, she was super supportive. she even asked to know more about tyler, and obviously josh told her everything about him.

"don't even mention it, joshua. it's my pleasure. anything for my two favorite boys, and love too." she hugs them and gives each a kiss on the cheek. "be careful on the road, alright? don't talk to strangers and always stay together."

"we will," brendon replies, his fingers playing with the car keys already.

they say their goodbyes and get in the car. brendon starts the engine, setting up the gps to the first city they'll stay in for the night. "bye, lily!" josh smiles gleefully, waving at the lady on the doorstep from his rolled down window.

lily waves back at him, her smile still radiating pure joy and kindness. "bye, boys! i hope you find your love, joshua!"

"i hope so too," he mumbles to himself as his friend presses on the gas and they drive further away from the mansion. he sits up straight, putting on his seatbelt and looking at brendon, hope filling his eyes. he didn't notice that brendon's playlist was playing through the speakers until he saw him mouthing the lyrics to the songs.

unlike his own playlist, his friend's is way more upbeat. the songs inspire him to go out there and live life to the fullest, some just make him feel so excited, and a few make him want to punch someone just because. it's a very unique taste. he cannot wait to find tyler. it's all for him, all for love. even if they can't find him, at least he'll get even closer to brendon. if that's somehow remotely possible. with a big smile, he asks his friend, "now, where to?"

"first stop: dayton, ohio!"

* * *

the drive from their hometown to dayton, ohio, isn't that long; it's only about an hour or so. they still get bored by the road when they're 30 minutes in. it's not like there is much to do in a moving vehicle.

"do you wanna play a game?" josh asks, trying to make the trip fun instead of just miles and miles of pavement.

"sure. which one?"

"20 questions?" the mere thought of that game brings josh flashbacks from many sleepovers he had with his friends when they were only 14-15 years old, asking things far too immature and ridiculous he'd rather forget them.

"whoa, we haven't played that one in a while. i'll ask you the questions first."

josh tries to come up with something that isn't just a car or a bush on the side of the road. his mind goes directly to tyler, but he knows that is too predictable of him. he chooses to think about his friend jon. not that difficult but a bit tricky since they have a large friend group due to soccer. "okay. got it. ask away, bro."

"is it a real person?"

"real is a loose definition but yup."

"is it someone we know?" josh nods, hoping that he doesn't give the answer away with his laughter or a smile. he knows it'll happen anway since brendon has that effect on him.

"i'm gonna say that it's a guy...? right?"

"of course. we're gay, how many girls do you think we know?"

"good point. does this guy play with us?"

"you could say that."

brendon tries to not lose focus on the road, but he wants to win the game so bad. not really for any other reason other than to make josh get mad at him. although he doesn't actually get mad, he just sticks his tongue out at him and calls him 'brenny', which only lily is allowed to do. it's a fun time, brendon gets a kick out of it. however, he wants to lose on purpose so josh is happy. he hasn't seen him this excited about life in such a long time, it fills his heart with butterflies and fairy dust. "is he tall? like, is he taller than me?"

"about the height."

"okay so it isn't dallon. hm, is it pete?"

"nope."

they keep playing until brendon is out of questions, completely failing at guessing the correct person. he doesn't mind, it was worth it to see josh giggle and get happy at the fact that he won. ever since tyler left for god knows where, josh hasn't really been the same. brendon never knew the whole story until recently; he still could tell something was different about his best friend. now, seeing him enjoying himself and not caring about anything... it's safe to say that he would give up everything – his wealth, his family, his status, his health, all of his earthly possessions – to always see josh this way.

he's never felt like this before, not for anyone. something about josh being happy makes him melt into a puddle of pure love. he can't explain it.

"okay, your turn."

"just a warning, you're not gonna guess mine," brendon says to taunt him.

"try me, b."

"well then, ask me."

josh smirks, fully confident on his skills to know what brendon is thinking at all times. "let's do this shit."

* * *

right before they finish the round, they get to their destination: dayton, ohio. they booked a hotel the night prior, definitely not wanting to sleep all crumbled up in the car.

when they go to the front desk to ask about their room, the receptionist asks them to show an id. neither of them being of age, josh starts to panic. he can already feel his body ache from sleeping in the backseat with all the packets of oreos. thankfully, brendon has a solution. he takes out a fake id, definitely something that he has used before.

"here you go," he says with a grin and confidence. he doesn't even flinch when the receptionist looks suspiciously at the id.

"okay, your room is 146," the receptionist gives the id back at brendon and also hands him a key. as much as josh wants to believe that they don't see right through them, he knows that isn't the truth. "don't make a lot of disturbance at night, please. we have a strict policy about it."

"wha-?"

josh feels brendon holding his hand, intertwining their fingers to make it look more realistic. his natural reaction is to blush at the mere touch. it's been a long time since they have done anything remotely romantic together, so the sudden holding hands catches josh off guard. "of course we won't. we're not a loud couple. thanks for the warning, though," brendon replies naturally, taking josh with him as he walks to the hallway to find their room.

when they're far away enough from the lobby, josh lets go of brendon's hand and asks, "what the fuck was that?"

"what? he doesn't know us, it's not like he's gonna know if we're together or not."

"still! you could've at least warned me we were gonna convince him about anything! you didn't even tell me you had your fake id with you."

brendon shrugs, opening the room with the electronic key and stepping inside. "i'm just saying, us faking being a couple and me using a fake id is the least of our problems right now."

"how is that possible? you literally made him believe we're 21 and boyfriends!" josh follows his friend inside and closes the door, putting a lock on it just to be safe. he lets go of their bags and puts them on a corner of the room.

"look, we fooled both of our parents and told them we're gonna be at my house until christmas. we're in a whole ass different city, looking for _your_ crush. i think we can loosen up a little."

josh sighs in desperation. he knows brendon's right. "fine. just, no more lies."

"as you wish." but brendon knows he's lying to himself and josh right now, in more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drama is starting to rise hmmmm....


	52. december 11

the next day, josh has a goal in mind: find tyler. he knows the city isn't as small as he would imagine tyler liking, but it was worth a try. he takes a shower, mostly to warm himself up, and tries to brainstorm there. he doesn't have any idea on where to start. he has checked the blog a million times for any sort of clue. all he has is tyler goes to lgbt meetings on tuesdays.

suddenly, his mind reminds him.

_tyler has a date today._

it takes everything within him not to burst out into tears or into rage. he can't help but feel...betrayed. he knows tyler doesn't belong to him, not even close, but this hits him like a slap in the face. as much as he tries to ignore the fact that tyler basically left because of him, because of what he did, it always comes back. he stares at the tile wall for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts and emotions. he cannot focus on the bad side. after all, his brain has stored away the bad memories of tyler in a box and threw away the key. all he has are good things, like his smile, his doe eyes, his laugh...

"hey, josh! i'm gonna run to the starbucks and get us some coffee, okay?" brendon's voice manages to catch his attention and bring him back to reality. he didn't notice when brendon opened the door at all, he really is too deep in his thoughts.

"i thought we had some of those espresso shot things," josh turns down the water, ready to get out of the shower.

"yeah but nothing like hot coffee to start your morning."

josh peaks his head around the shower curtain, trying to not expose himself. "fair enough. remember, mine with–" he begins to speak before his friend cuts him off, already knowing what he'll say.

"yours with almond milk and 4 packs of sugar. yeah, yeah, i know. you really think i don't know your order?"

"sometimes you're forgetful."

brendon rolls his eyes, immediately smiling after. he really can't be mad for longer than 0.1 seconds with josh. "i'll be back in as soon as possible." with that, he closes the door, leaving josh alone in the room.

he grabs a towel and dries himself up. josh doesn't really care much about what he wears anymore, meaning that he puts on a random hoodie he brought along and his jeans. it's not his warmest outfit but i'll do. he feels so cozy with the hoodie on; it was a gift from brendon a few christmases ago. he adores it more than any other item of clothing he owns. it reminds him of his best friend and that's all he could ever ask for.

he sits on the bed, scrolling down his notifications when he sees a message from pete. they haven't seen each other since the last day of school before break, so seeing a text from him is out of the ordinary.

 **pete** 🌿 **:** hey man  
 **pete** 🌿 **:** i was wondering if brendon and you would wanna come to my christmas party on saturday

josh can already feel a sense of guilt as he types his response. he isn't sure when this finding tyler quest is gonna end, but he definitely knows that telling pete they're going and then not showing up isn't ideal. he sighs as he clicks send, hoping his friend doesn't feel bad.

 **joshhhhh:** hey, sorry but we can't go. we're housesitting and brendon's parents will be pissed if we know we left the house alone  
 **joshhhhh:** you know how they are

not even a minute passes before pete sends another text his way. josh can tell that even if pete says it's okay, he's sad about it.

 **pete** 🌿 **:** it's all good, man  
 **pete** 🌿 **:** have fun housesitting :) .

the lies are starting to catch up with josh. he's already lying to his family, to brendon's parents. he can't handle more lies. he just takes a deep breath and puts his phone aside, laying down on the crappy hotel bed.

he just stares at the ceiling until brendon comes back, his only glimmer of hope.

* * *

they go to the lgbt center, but none of the records mention anything about tyler. not a single person there knows him either, even with josh's extensive description of his looks. they might be outdated, tyler could've changed everything about himself to avoid getting found by his family.

the people in the meeting suggest that he might be elsewhere. "if he was in this city, we would've heard of him," they all say in different ways. each person putting their own twist on it. josh believes them, he can tell that a small, 16 year old runaway boy would stick out from the crowd.

they've been in the lgbt center for more than 4 hours before josh can't handle it anymore. he knows that it doesn't matter if he spoke to only one person there or everyone soul that got near the lot, he wouldn't find a single sign of his true love here.

"your boy is off in another city, kid," one lady says to him.

that alone makes his heart break and his hopes disappear. brendon can notice it.

josh gets out of the building, throwing his empty coffee cup in a nearby trash can. he tries to hold back the tears in his eyes. why did he ever think this would be something easy? why on earth did he think that he would find tyler right away and everything would be solved?

he begins to walk back to the hotel before brendon pulls up in his car next to him. "josh, bud, get in the car. please."

josh tries to ignore him, but the cold is starting to get worse by the minute. he gives in and joins his friend in the heated up car. as soon as he slams the door shut, he bursts out into tears. he can't contain himself any longer. this is only the first city and he's already aching to go back home and never leave his room. he cries into his hoodie. his tears staining the gray piece of clothing, but he doesn't care.

seeing him like this, brendon drives back to the hotel. when they get there, he parks the vehicle and turns the engine off. he turns to his friend and asks what's wrong. all josh can say is mumbled and in between desperate sobs.

brendon doesn't know what to do. he can't comfort his friend in the car. he decides to carry him back to their room, not giving a single fuck if the people in the lobby looked at him weird. he just wants to get his boy to safety.

his boy. his best friend.

once they're inside the privacy of their hotel room, josh sits on his bed and sobs into his pillow. brendon, hating seeing him so hurt, sits next to him and holds him. he gets josh to cry into his shoulder and put his arms around him for support.

"what's wrong, josh? i know we'll find him. maybe he's in the next city," brendon says in hopes to make josh feel better.

"no, you know i-it's not true. i'm so stupid..."

"you're not stupid."

"i am! i t-thought i could find him and get him back," josh sniffs, sobbing after every other word, "i miss him so much... i-i'm never gonna find him again.. i lost him.."

"you didn't."

"i did! i know i did. he's gonna find someone else to love him and f-forget about me. i lost the love of my life..."

"josh...i'm so sorry," is all brendon manages to say.

* * *

**date!! date!! date!!**

hello everyone!! i just came back from my date. oh my god... i have so many thing i wanna share!! first, he picked me up at my house. he was so gentle and sweet, you guys would melt like i did. we went to get a coffee since it was a little cold today. he held my hand all the time, even when we were sitting and talking.

he told me about his life, about how he came out and stuff. i told him a few things about me, obviously not much about my old life. he didn't seem to mind tho. he was just grateful that i trust him enough to even mention that this hasn't always been my home.

he paid for my coffee even when i told him not to, such a gentleman. i laughed and blushed so much during the whole date. he kept telling me how cute i am and how he can't believe i agreed to go out with him. we also went to a small bookstore next door and he got me a copy of his favorite poetry book since i told him i write some. it's supposed to be really good, i can't wait to get to it.

after that he dropped me off at my house and kissed my cheek!!

and guess what??

we're going on another date!! obviously after he comes back from his trip, but still!! i can't believe this is happening. i hope you guys can tell how much i like him. he's so kind to me... no one has ever been like this with me.

he makes me blush and smile so hard my mouth hurts from it. hopefully we can formally become boyfriends some day...

so that's it!! i'll keep you guys updated on what happens between us.

see you tomorrow!!

-tyler  
  


**lxvelyrxses:** he sounds so charming  
 **k-aitlyn:** write some poems about him!! i wanna hear more about the date  
 **wlw-mlm-duh:** my gay heart is fluttering for you, ty

* * *

brendon looks at josh. desperation fills his eyes as he just watches his best friend crumble into pieces. he holds him, he hold him as tightly as he can. there is nothing he can do but be there for him.

it crushes his heart to see him this way. he would give anything to make josh feel better. he would give anything to make josh forget about tyler and move on. he knows he shouldn't be thinking that. tyler means everything to josh.

but josh means everything to him.

brendon places a soft kiss on top josh's head. he rubs the small of his back, hoping that this can make him feel better in some way. his mind brings up a thought, one he had been carrying around since this morning. it probably is what josh needs to hear, a slight sense of hope in his seemingly eternal misery. he can't confess it.

not right now.

it would destroy their relationship.

josh isn't in the right mindset to hear it.

so brendon keeps it to himself. he stays quiet, only whispering a few words of affirmation to his sobbing friend. he decides to save it for another day, another time. maybe when this hell is over he can say it without remorse. at least that's what he expects.

those four words cannot be spoken. no matter how much brendon will ache because of them, he puts josh first. he always does.

that's exactly what's eating him alive from the inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOW the drama is getting good, y'all


	53. december 12

josh wakes up with a headache. his eyes feel so puffy and dry. he tries to stretch to get himself out of bed but he feels a presence hugging him from behind. he looks down at the arms around his waist, only to realize it's brendon.

he can't help but smile at this sight. he appreciates how considerate and kind his friend is. after last night, a hug and a shoulder to cry on was something he really needed. slowly, he gets out of brendon's arms and sits up. he rubs the sleep off his eyes, his stomach rumbling for food.

not even 5 seconds pass after he gets off the bed to grab some oreos when brendon wakes up. he yawns, somehow still tired after sleeping a full 9 hours. "morning, b," josh smiles at him, offering an oreo.

brendon takes it and smiles back, "someone's feeling better."

"yeah. i needed that cry last night. thanks for that, by the way. i really appreciate it."

"don't worry about it. it's my pleasure," he winks and takes a bite out of the holiday themed cookie. brendon can't be any happier, he likes seeing josh happy. that's more than clear by now. oh the things he would do for him. his sleepy mind is already thinking of things his wide awake one wouldn't even dare to think about in a million years.

"you're the best friend i could ever ask for."

this hits brendon like a cold bath with ice cubes in it. of course... that's not a possibility. why would he even be thinking about it? he is well aware that what he's feeling isn't allowed. he fakes a smile, pushing down the need to cry. "and you are mine."

* * *

josh checks their gps. the next city is almost 4 hours away. they chose a route that best avoids going back through their city, mainly to not get caught by josh's parents or any of their friends. brendon finishes loading up the bags into the back of the car and closes the trunk. "okay, i think we're good to go. unless you wanna go for a quick coffee run."

"you really need to chill about that. i saw you drink two of those espresso drinks while i changed," josh says as he gets in the car, shivering due to the incoming cold.

the taller boy joins him, putting the keys in the ignition and turning on the heater. "c'mon. i'll ask for a decaf. pretty please? may we go get some coffee, _joshie_?" he does puppy eyes at his friend; he's fully aware that it's one of his weaknesses.

"fine. and don't call me that. hearing it from you is weird," josh chuckles. there was a time where brendon only called him that and he enjoyed it, but that was also the time when they made out every chance they got to.

"you're weird."

"we both are. now shut up and drive before i change my mind and force you to only drink water for the rest of the trip."

brendon fakes a moan and bites his lip, "oh yes. make me wet, daddy."

josh's face goes red and covers his face with his hands. "i can't fucking believe you said that. you're disgusting. and horny. and a mess."

"yet you love me anyways."

he's right. after all these years of being friends, after all the dirty jokes and forbidden kisses, he still loves him. yeah, he likes his other friends, but nothing beats the real thing. who would he be without brendon? the only thing he knows is that he would be a very different person. 

* * *

by the time they arrive to akron, they're exhausted from driving. all they see is road for miles and miles. playing the 20 questions game got old after the first few rounds. josh just resigns to look out the window, listening to the music from the chill playlist brendon put on. well, not really chill, more so a soft sadness. by the time the first notes of josh's favorite the 1975 song play, brendon realizes his mistake.

" _but i'm just fine 'cause i know that you're mine_..." matty healy's beautiful voice fills up the car. his words hit the emotional boy in the heart, getting a few tears out of him.

brendon puts a hand on josh's shoulder, catching his attention. "josh... i can change the music if you want, dude."

he shakes his head, cleaning up his tears with the sleeves of his hoodie. "'tis okay. i just love this song," he gives his friend a warm smile, lying through his teeth. the lyrics go on, each of them pulling on josh's heartstrings. of course he pictures tyler in his head when he hears them. it's like they're speaking to him personally, telling him his truths and things he doesn't wanna hear. he remembers how precious tyler is, how his cute laugh made him feel ten times better. that boy could just look at him and he'd fall in love all over again. _you're just a teen_ , the anxious part of his brain tells him, _you don't know what real love is yet. maybe tyler isn't your true love, maybe he never was. and here you are crying over him as if he even gives two shits about you. he left for a reason didn't he? you were that reason_.

he shakes his head, begging his brain to stop saying those things to him. there are more tears going down his cheeks now. he lets out a small sob and covers his mouth. he can't let brendon see him like this again. he already cried enough. his hoodie sleeves turn into napkins again as he dries his tears with it.

brendon grabs his phone and changes the playlist to something happier. he wishes his car could drive itself so he could comfort his sobbing friend. "it's gonna be okay, josh. trust me on this." he takes his free hand in his and holds it the same way he did back at the hotel lobby. their fingers are intertwined, brendon brings josh's knuckles to his lips and kisses them out of instinct like he does with his partners. he's never done that with him before. he doesn't realize he did that until his friend copies him, kissing his knuckles in return.

his heart feels like it's about to explode.

"thank you, b. i appreciate it, love you," josh sniffs and keeps composing himself.

 _love you. hm_.

"love you too, josh. you have no idea how much."

their hands stay like that for the rest of the drive, even when they go to a mcdonald's for lunch. they keep holding hands as they stand in line to order, they keep holding hands as they get their food, they keep holding hands as they eat their chicken nuggets and fries.

neither of them wants to let go.

each one with his own reason.

josh wants reassurance, he wants to know that his best friend will be there for him forever.

brendon wants love, he wants to let his best friend know he will love him forever. and not exclusively in a platonic way.

they don't communicate these reasons with each other. they just simply let it happen, not wanting to ruin the moment.

* * *

they decide to stay over in akron for the night. it's already 8 pm when they go to check in, brendon giving his fake id and registering as josh waits in the car in case they refuse them and have to sleep in a walmart parking lot.

while he waits, he goes on tumblr on his phone. his other tumblr to be exact. he doesn't see any sign of tyler anywhere. maybe he didn't post anything today.

ever since brendon let go of his hand to go to the hotel lobby, josh feels like a part of him is missing. him and brendon have always been super close and spent most of their childhood together. it's always been them, so it naturally weirds him out that his heart _aches_ for him now. he's the day to his night in a way. the fire to his water. he snaps out of his thoughts and sees that he's been staring at a photo of two boys kissing. he blushes at the sight of it, picturing himself and tyler in that situation. it's always been them... _right_?

he clicks the pencil icon on the bottom of the screen, selecting the text option after. what does he do after having conflicting emotions? he goes to write about it to strangers on the internet.

* * *

**_yellowflowersinmyhair_ **

  
**feelings**

hello again my 2 followers. i'm doubting myself about something today, how weird of me right? i've been thinking a lot about how i feel.

not necessarily about complicated emotions, but about feelings towards someone.

i think that the guy i like has no interest in me. i hate that it's the only thing i can think about. but on the other hand, i love my best friend. like, _love_ love. i've known him for what seems like forever and seeing him as anything else than just my friend weirds me out.

my heart calls for the guy i like but i believe my brain is starting to call for my friend.

i don't know what to do. i hope it's just a random feeling, because i only have eyes for the guy i like.

**toalltheeyesinmyroom:** i'm sorry to hear that :( . i'm sending you all the best wishes so you can figure it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no one asked for brosh content but screw, y'all


	54. december 13

tyler wakes up when the sun coming through his window is too much to handle. he forgot to close the blinds last night. he tries to stop being sleepy by walking around his small room, grabbing his phone and checking if he has any notifications.

 **new message from awsten** 💗

his heart beats faster when he sees that name. he smiles to himself, giggling like the ever so typical schoolgirl and opens up the message. nothing makes him happier these days than talking to his new crush. or boyfriend? well, they've only gone on one date so it's too soon for him to call awsten his anything.

 **awsten** 💗 **:** morning ty, i'm already at my grandma's house. i miss you

he rereads the text a million times, his heart beating faster each and every time. he quickly types up a response, trying to contain his excitement. after all, a new day means a new message from awsten.

 **tyler** 🌈💝 **:** i miss you too. the meeting today is gonna be boring without you

 **awsten** 💗 **:** i'll be back before you know it  
 **awsten** 💗 **:** gotta go, mom's making me go last minute christmas shopping with her

 **tyler** 🌈💝 **:** have fun! ttyl

he locks his phone and puts it on top of his small dresser. he doesn't have as much space as he used to back in columbus, but he couldn't care less. all he really needs is somewhere to sleep in and somewhere to put his clothes in. the time on his phone reads 9:47 am. he still has some time left before he has to leave for the lgbt center meeting.

the routine he follows for these occasions is always the same: he showers and gets dressed, eats a relatively light breakfast and heads out. he knows that he can eat from the cookie platter his friend spencer brings if he feels hungry later on.

to be completely honest, tyler isn't sure where he would be without the new friends he made when he ran away from his shithole of a house. thankfully spencer and troye helped him out. they're the only real friends he's _ever_ had.

he decides to walk to the lgbt center, not for any reason other that he doesn't want to spend money on an uber or the bus. he has to save up for the christmas presents he has planned. the cold isn't that bad yet. he can still tolerate it without much complaint.

"tyler! what's up, dude?" the voice of spencer brings him into reality when he gets to the building. he waves hello at his friend, seeing that troye is taking cookies from the platter on the snacks table.

"hey, spence. i'm not late, right?"

"no, you're actually early. simon is talking to some guys at the front desk. the meeting won't start until he's done with them, i think."

tyler takes off his jacket and puts it on the hangers that also hold his friends' coats. the three of them take their usual seats. "didn't notice you arrived," troye says at him and offers him a chocolate chip cookie, "here. got you some before they are gone."

the small boy takes the cookies and thanks his friend. he begins to eat them, his mouth watering at the great taste. spencer's mom is the one that bakes the cookies. her kind heart insists that the people at the meetings should eat them, saying that everyone deserves to have a pastry once in a while. no wonder she has a successful bakery downtown.

"you're not gonna believe this," troye speaks with a full mouth, "the guys talking to simon are so gorgeous. like, model kind of gorgeous."

"are they?" tyler raises an eyebrow, a flirty tone to his words. he trusts his friend's taste. more often than not, the guys he sees _are_ hot and beautiful. that's how he first noticed awsten in the first place.

"totally. they seem to be around your age."

"i'm only 2 years younger than you. you don't have to talk like i'm a little kid, troye."

spencer joins the conversation; not because he has any opinion on the guys, more so because he likes messing around with tyler. "you're a little kid to us, ty."

"shut up, old man!" tyler jokes, getting out a laugh from both of them. he keeps snickering and talking with his friends, completely unaware of what's happening in front of him.

the infamous simon approaches the circle of chairs, many of them already taken, and starts to address the group. "good day everyone. i'm so glad you all could make it to our morning meeting. i have some very exciting news. we have two people joining us today, would you mind introducing yourselves to the group?"

"uh, hi. my name's brendon. i'm pansexual, and i, uh, i'm excited to be here."

the name and voice catches tyler's attention. he has never met someone in the town named that. he turns his face towards the front of the circle and sees... _brendon? what on earth is he doing here?!_

he closes his eyes, maybe he's imagining it. there is no way that brendon is here in youngstown. there is no possible way. he doesn't notice when the second guy walks forward and starts to introduce himself, "i'm josh. i'm pretty sure i'm bisexual. i'm also excited to be he–... tyler?!"

with that, tyler opens his eyes. he cannot believe it. he sees josh, _his josh_ , staring back at him. there's what seems like tears in his eyes. the rest of the people at the meeting have their sight on tyler, including spencer and troye. they try to make sense of what happening. why is their friend frozen up at the sight of this guy?

there are many thoughts going through his mind. _what is he doing here? how did he find me? is he here to hurt me again? oh god, did my parents find me? oh god, oh god, i'm so fucked. i'm gonna go to jail and die in there. oh god, oh god!_

"h-hi, josh."

* * *

josh wakes up in brendon's arms again. the hotel only had rooms with one bed available, so they had no other choice. it's mere coincidence that they decided to spoon. the room was really cold, they chose to share their body heat to keep warm. besides, they used to do this all the time when they were kids. josh used to have nightmares that only brendon seemed to help get rid of.

"bren, wake up. we have to go," he yawns, stretching his arms.

his friend only growls in response, "no... i'm so tired."

"you wouldn't be tired if you hadn't been awake until 4 am looking at twitter," josh retaliates, getting off the bed. he puts a similar outfit to what he had on yesterday, he's given up on looking semi decent.

"i'm sorry, but was doing important stuff, y'know. i needed to go through all of harry styles' tweets." brendon sits up on the bed, his hand reaching for the espresso shot drink he has on the small nightstand.

"why?"

brendon takes a big gulp of the coffee and looks at his friend dead in the eyes, "because why the fuck not?"

all josh can do is roll his eyes and start eating oreos as breakfast. they're only an hour away from their final destination: good ol' youngstown, ohio. they could have actual breakfast at an ihop there, meaning that josh can survive without oreos until then.

they get their bags ready and check out of the hotel by 9:47 am. by 9:50 they're on the road. brendon tries his best to focus on driving, no matter how much he wishes he could sleep right now. not really thinking, probably because it's 9 am and he hasn't had a drop of coffee yet, josh grabs brendon's hand like yesterday. he's too distracted picking a playlist to notice.

but brendon does.

he quickly lets go to take a bottle of water and drink some of it. he's so out of it, but it's okay. they still have to get to youngstown.

* * *

"okay, everyone, we're done for the day. the next meeting won't be until after new years. so have a nice holiday season!" simon says with a smile.

the people start to get up and clean. tyler is still stuck on his chair, his eyes have a glaze over them. he doesn't even dare to look at his friends. he feels so exposed. this was his haven, his safe space. for once in his life he found a place where he could be himself without panicking, and now it's been breached.

"ty? are you okay?" spencer taps on his shoulder, genuinely concerned for his wellbeing.

tyler nearly jumps at the touch. he sighs, "y-yeah. i'm fine. i-i'll text you and troye later." he isn't fine, not even close. he gets up from the chair and rushes to grab his jacket before he feels a hand on his shoulder. he turns around, a little bit pissed. he just wants to get home and cry for the next 17 hours. "i told you, spence. i'm fine– oh, josh."

the older boy takes his hand off tyler's shoulder, "hey." he doesn't know what else to say. honestly he never thought he would make it this far.

"hey."

"i can't believe i found you. i've been looking for you all over the place. you're really good at hiding, ty."

tyler doesn't give him a pity laugh. he just looks at the floor. all the memories from home come back, they make him angry again. he's so mad. he wants to punch josh. he wants to slap him. "what are you doing here, josh? why the fuck are you here?"

the cursing is something josh didn't expect at all. in his eyes, tyler could never speak like that to him. where did his sweet boy go?

"i came looking for you. i wanted to make sure you were okay. ever since you left i-i needed to find you."

shaking his head, the younger boy takes his jacket and puts it on. "you should've left me alone. i left that shit town for a fucking reason, joshua."

 _and that was to get away from you_ , josh thinks to himself.

"i... can we please go somewhere else? i just need to talk to you for a while. please? i'll pay for your food." he doesn't want this trip to be in vain. he doesn't want to come back empty handed and with a broken heart.

tyler curses to himself and gives in. josh really came all this way for him. it's the least he could do, right? "fine. is brendon coming with us?" he nods towards brendon, who now opted to wait outside the building next to the car.

"he is. is that alright?"

"i guess it is. let's go."

and with that the three of them end up going to the ihop. this isn't what any of the boys thought their morning would look like.

* * *

josh and brendon order coffee, pancakes and scrambled eggs. they're so hungry, now josh regrets not having one more oreo on the way here. meanwhile, tyler orders a glass of orange juice. he sits alone on one end of the booth, he would rather not have brendon here as a witness but it's too late now.

"what do you want to say to me?" he starts the topic with no looking back. he just wants to get this over with and go home.

brendon takes it as a cue to go to the restroom. he's been wanting to pee since they got here anyway. he gets up, leaving the two former love birds alone.

"oh. well, there's so much i want to say.." the ihop is starting to seem like the worst place to confess his deepest feelings and thoughts to his crush, "i'm so fucking sorry i read your diary. i shouldn't have done that. at first i only wanted to know who the diary belonged to. but i kept reading because i wanted to know more about you. i sound like a fucking creep, i know. i'm legit so fucking sorry. when you left, it fucking crushed me. i thought you were hurt or something. your parents never seemed to care about it. i wanted to punch your fucking dad so bad. he's an asshole. and everyone at school pretended to be so worried about you. i hated going to class every day and hearing people say how much they missed you and shit. it was disgusting. when i messaged you on your birthday, i didn't think you would reply. but you did. and i couldn't take my mind off you. i needed to find you. just to see that you were okay. you're more than allowed to hate me for invading your privacy. i deserve it."

tyler doesn't exactly know how to respond. "how did you find me?"

"i follow your tumblr blog... i stumbled upon it by accident. from there i put some pieces together with brendon about where you could be."

this time, tyler stays silent. his brain can't comprehend any of this. he really thought he was safe here. "so you just came all this way to tell me that you're sorry?"

josh scratches the back of his neck. when tyler says it like that, it sounds so crazy. he really lied to his parents, went to a city 4 hours away and made his friend waste so much gas and food money for _him_. it's all for him. everything. "i-i... i guess so. you have no idea how much you being gone has killed me."

"i don't know what to say. you shouldn't have come here. this is too much."

"okay, maybe i over exaggerated. i know i should've sent you a message but i wanted to see you in person. i wanted to tell you all of this in person."

tyler purses his lips together. the waiter gives them the drinks and leaves immediately after to clean a table. he takes a few sips from his orange juice, his eyes trying to avoid making direct contact with josh's. "you made me really fucking pissed about the diary thing. i won't forgive you for that yet."

"that's okay. i was a dumbass for doing that."

"you were, but you apologized. that's more than any other person would've done," he takes another gulps of the orange juice and curses himself for what he decides to say, "how long are you gonna stay here?"

josh shrugs, putting sugar in his coffee and brendon's, who just so happens to come back from the restroom at this point. "not sure. probably a few days. we weren't sure we were gonna find you, we didn't plan this far ahead."

"we can rent a hotel room. we'll be fine," brendon inserts himself in the talk, as always.

"oh no. the hotels around here are full this time of year, that's what my friend troye told me. you can stay at my place. it's small, and my roommate might be against it, but you can share the pullout bed."

the two friends look at each other and then back at tyler. they didn't think tyler would have a roommate. his housing situation was so mysterious they just assumed he lived with a foster family or something. "roommate?" brendon asks on behalf of them.

"yeah. she's at work right now. she's a bit overbearing but you'll like her."

"thank you," josh says, his eyes having a lovestruck sparkle to them.

tyler smiles at him. it feels like it's been forever since josh has seen him smile. it's familiar, it feels right. "welcome."

they make small talk for the rest of the meal, josh and brendon eating with their mouths full most of the time. the pancakes and scrambled eggs taste like the best thing they've ever had. during that, josh can't get his eyes off tyler. he can't believe he's here! the love of his life is sitting in front of him.

it all seems like a dream. a very good one.

tyler even forgot about awsten for the rest of the day. all is well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally happened, y'all. it's only uphill from here


	55. december 14

josh gets woken up by a female voice talking on the phone. his fight or flight response is too slow to make him react in any way other than jolting awake in a cold sweat. after all, who gets home at 7 am? he looks to his right side and notices that brendon is still asleep, shifting between positions to be more comfortable.

"hello?" he yawns, his sleepy mind not really interested in knowing who it is.

"uh, hi? who are you? what are you doing in my living room?" the voice replies.

he opens his eyes and sees a woman in her early twenties staring back at him. she's holding what josh can only assume are the keys to the main door and a small backpack. her piercing blue eyes scan him to look out for danger. he gets out of the pullout bed and fixes his hair to look presentable. "you must be tyler's roommate. i'm josh, that's my friend brendon over there," he points to the snoring teenage boy on the bed, "tyler told us we could stay with you guys while we're in town."

the girl looks at him, a weird look on her face. she doesn't seem to buy anything he's saying. "so, you're friends with tyler?"

"kind of. it's a long story."

she takes a glance at brendon and then back at josh. "he's never mentioned any friends from out of town. he said he didn't have any."

 _ouch_.

josh fiddles with the hem of his sleep shirt and eyes the bedroom door decorated with yellow flower stickers and aqua letters spelling out 'tyler'. he wishes tyler would wake up at this moment and explain everything to his roommate. no matter how josh explains things, he doubts that the girl will accept it as the truth.

"well, alright. he used to go to our high school. we hung out a few times," _we even almost kissed once_ , "i'm sure he should've mentioned us before."

"nope."

with that, josh gives up and exhales in defeat. "i swear we're not strangers. we met because i read his diary and then–"

it seems like that half sentence alone rings a bell to her. her expression changes from unconvinced to shocked and angry, "wait. you're _that_ josh?! why are you here?! why the hell did tyler let you in, oh my god!"

"it's okay! i came here to apologize about it! we're cool now."

she rolls her eyes, her grip tightening around her keys. "you can't just 'apologize' for something like that. you're an asshole. i can't believe he–"

the bedroom opens, a very sleepy tyler emerging from the darkly lit room. he has a grey hoodie on; it's two sizes too big for him, making it fit almost like a dress. "jenna? why are you yelling?" he asks in a soft tone. his presence is making josh's heart melt.

"what is he doing here?" she motions towards josh, "i thought we'd talked about this issue, babe."

tyler shakes his head, closing the door behind him. "i know. he came here to apologize and check up on me. letting him stay with us is the least i could do for them. besides, why are you coming back until now?"

somehow, now that tyler has said it, jenna calms down a little. she gives josh a quick death glare and turns to talk directly to her roommate. "i was at debby's. we stayed up late talking and fell asleep by accident. i only came back to get my stuff for work." the way she talks to tyler is completely different to how she talked to josh. for obvious reasons of course, but it's like she has a soft spot for the 16 year old. a kind of big sister and little brother dynamic. if she hadn't been scolding josh a minute ago, he would think this is adorable.

"can you be quieter then? some of us are trying to sleep," brendon says, scaring the living hell out of josh for a moment. he goes right back to sleep after that, getting closer to josh's side.

jenna ignores his comment and kisses tyler on the cheek, "i'm just gonna grab my things and leave. i'll come back at like 6 pm." she smiles at the young boy and walks to her room.

"don't forget that it's pizza night!" tyler exclaims before she closes the door. he looks back at josh, his angelic gaze behind absolutely precious. "'m gonna go back to bed. see you in a few hours, joshua."

"y-yeah," josh agrees, hurt that he used his full name. is it because of his roommate? the walls don't appear to be that thick, she could be listening to their conversation.

they each go their separate ways.

tyler goes back to his room, ready to drown in the comfort that is his hoodie. josh goes back to the pullout bed with brendon, he even puts an arm around his friend to gather up warmth in the semi-tempered temperature in the apartment. he doesn't really think that the touch means a lot to his best friends.

but of course, how can he know?

* * *

during lunch, tyler takes them to a chinese food place near spencer's mom's bakery. there is no way to describe how amazing the food is. the three of them have foodgasms with every bite.

"sorry about jenna, by the way," tyler blurts out as he is picking up a piece of broccoli with his chopsticks, "she's usually so nice."

josh shakes his head, swallowing the chow mien he has in his mouth, "it's alright. i get why she would be pissed at me. she was just acting like your big sister."

that makes tyler's cheek flush. he snickers, covering his mouth with his hand. "she _is_ like my big sister. she was the one who helped me when i first got here. y'know, gave me a place to sleep in, a roof over my head and food."

brendon decides to only witness the conversation. it's not like he has anything meaningful to say, so he chooses to concentrate on his orange chicken and fried rice. the food being so great really helps him out. "really? and those guys you were with at the meeting?"

"oh, spencer and troye? they're my friends. i kinda work at spencer's mom's bakery to have money of my own. that's where i met him and troye. they always hang out there on the weekends. super cool guys. the only bad thing is that they're seniors, they're both leaving for college next year."

josh gulps. he's gonna be a senior next year. he hasn't even started to think which college he wants to go to. hell, he hasn't even chosen a major yet. "that sucks. wait, do you go to school here?"

tyler shakes his head, his mouth full of orange chicken. "i do online school," he says after swallowing the food, "jenna enrolled me. that's why i can work during the week and go to those morning meetings. i'm on break right now though."

"oh..." josh averts his gaze from making eye contact with tyler. for some reason, it hurts him that tyler is so well settled in this town. he's grateful that he's okay, but he feels left out.

"hey, why don't you tell me about your soccer team? how are the guys doing?" the young boy smiles at him, reaching out for his hand to hold it on the table. he can tell that josh is upset about something.

with no second thoughts about it, josh takes it. he knows it's purely sympathetic. at this point in time though, he's willing to have any excuse to touch tyler. "they're all okay. still as annoying as the last time you saw them," he chuckles.

"i kinda miss their chaotic energy," tyler admits, actually meaning what he says, "that day with the chicken nuggets was fun."

"it was."

brendon doesn't even have to face them to know they're smiling like two lovebirds at each other. 

* * *

"do they have to be with us for pizza night?" jenna asks her roommate as she gets out 4 plates to serve the pizzas on. she's still wearing the apron from work, a few stains of cupcake batter on it.

the young boy rolls his eyes, he puts two slices of pizza on each plate. this time they ordered 2 pizzas instead of 1. it's weird to have company. he's grown used to just being with jenna watching _sixteen candles_ and crying over how hot boys are. or in jenna's case, how hot girls are.

"don't be rude, jen. please?"

"i just don't want you to get hurt, babe. he already fooled you once. i would never forgive myself if i can't save you from getting messed with again."

tyler gives her a weak smile, "i promise he's being genuine. besides, i'm with awsten, remember? my heart is his."

"are you sure?"

he nods, "i pinky promise." with that, he takes the plates from the kitchen to the living room, where josh and brendon are waiting for the food and the movie of choice.

"tyler, what do you feel about seeing pretty in pink versus mean girls?" brendon takes a plate from his hands, immediately taking a bite out of his pepperoni pizza.

jenna joins them, tyler's and her plate on her hands. she gives one to her roommate and sits next to him on the ground covered with blankets and pillows. "mean girls is better. more quotable."

"yeah, and lindsey lohan is cool," he adds.

"mean girls it is then," josh sticks out his tongue at brendon and selects the movie on netflix. he scoots closer to tyler, their shoulders almost touching. he can really feel some progress being made.

it's progress that neither jenna nor brendon like.

tyler doesn't mind. he's happy to have his favorite curly haired boy back as his new friend. because that's what they are right?


	56. december 15

it's a weird day. since tyler had to pick up a shift at his part-time job, josh and brendon are left alone in the apartment. they had ramen noodles for breakfast, since they finished their oreos the day before. it's all they could manage to do without getting to nosy in the pantry. can you guess what they had for lunch? ramen as well. they're getting their moneys worth out of those things.

they're on the pullout bed playing smash bros on the switch. josh is losing by a significant amount. he isn't really good at the game, but with items on, he thought he had a chance when they began the match. "stop killing me!" he growls in anger, smashing the buttons on the controller as if that will help him out.

"stop letting me hit you then," brendon snaps back.

"you're not funny."

brendon laughs, breaking open the smash ball and killing josh for the final time, winning the match for once and for all. "and the king of smash bros wins yet again," he bows and winks at his friend.

in response, josh punches his arm. "shut it. i can beat your ass in uno every day."

"because you cheat."

"i don't!"

the look josh has on his face, a mixture of anger and annoyance, is too much for brendon to handle. he bursts out laughing, "you look fucking adorable when you're mad, dude." the pet name is of course added to throw off any suspicion of a flirty remark. but judging by how head over fucking heels josh is with tyler right now, it wouldn't even matter is brendon kissed him after. blind-sighted by love is an understatement.

"jesus christ," josh shakes his head, a low chuckle escaping his lips, "you're insane. how am i your friend?"

"ying and yang, baby!"

they start another round when a very disheveled, tired looking tyler comes in, throws his backpack on the ground next to the two person dining table and lays on the small loveseat next to the two juniors. his baby blue apron is covered in cake batter stains, specks of flour cover his entire face. brendon and josh pause the match, give each other a glance before redirecting their gaze to the boy in front of them.

"uh, are you okay, tyler?" brendon asks, genuinely concerned for him.

"everything hurts... no wonder they needed my help, the goddamned bakery was madness! i don't want to see another cupcake in my life ever again," tyler groans. he lazily unties his apron and throws it on the floor. he hugs the yellow pillow that's laying next to him.

"'m sorry to hear that, ty. do you want anything? we'll be your loyal servants for today," the other teen jokes, but also not joking at the same time.

the small boy shakes his head. he truly appreciates the gesture, but his kind heart just wants to lay in bed and not move for the rest of the day.

"if you need anything, don't hesitate on telling us."

"we can make you a killer ramen if you feel like it," brendon presses the 'resume game' option. he would love to help out his competition for josh's heart out, he prefers to keep playing the video game though. however, josh pauses the game.

when brendon looks at his friend confused. all he gets is a head shake and the other controller. "i don't wanna play anymore. you beat me enough for today." _what a weak excuse for getting to pay attention to your crush and not your best friend,_ brendon says in his head.

"alright. i'm gonna go get some coffee," he stands up, quickly turning off the console, grabbing his car keys and wallet. his phone is already in his hoodie pocket. even if it wasn't, he doesn't care. he really wants to leave. "see you later," he hisses at no one in particular and leaves the small apartment. the door shutting so abruptly startles the two other boys.

tyler hugs the pillow closer to his chest. "what's up with him?"

"no idea." 

* * *

tyler decided to take a well deserved nap, leaving josh to his own devices. he chooses to scroll through tumblr. it feels off checking his second account for tyler's poems when the guy is literally asleep in the next room. he focuses on the aesthetic pictures and relatable memes.

when he hears the front door being opened, he thinks it's his friend until he sees jenna's blonde hair peak through the corner. it's been over an hour since brendon left to get coffee. that's making josh start to worry a little. "hi, jenna," he smiles, being polite to the roommate might be a good idea in order to help him get tyler back.

she only gives him a small wave and goes to the kitchen to make a cup of hot chocolate. "what are you making over there?"

"hot chocolate? duh," she replies, "what? do you want some?"

he nods, "if it isn't much trouble, please."

as she makes the two cups of hot chocolate, in cute _the muppets_ mugs of course, she tries to not destroy josh there and then. ever since tyler told her the story about why he left home and so on, she's been wanting to hit josh with a baseball in the balls. purely out of rage and anger for hurting her sweet little angel. it's taking everything within her to not do anything.

"here you go," she hands him a mug, a fake smile adorning her lips.

"thank you." he takes a sip, absolutely in love with how good the drink is. "tyler is asleep, by the way. he came home super tired and i told him to take a nap to recharge."

jenna sits in a chair from their small dining area set and nods along. "y'know josh, it's cute to see you try and get tyler back like this."

"what? what are you talking about?"

"please. don't pretend like you coming all this way from across the state isn't an elaborate plan to get him back. you're an asshole for what you did. he shouldn't have even let you in the apartment," she snaps. her fingers are angrily holding the mug now.

"you don't know the full story, okay? you don't know all the things i did for him."

she rolls her eyes. her mind is too stubborn to listen to the boy in front of him. "like what? trick him into thinking you actually cared about him to get him into bed?"

the whole thing just feels like a splash of cold water to josh. why the hell would she think that? the furthest josh got with tyler was almost kissing him. and even then, it's not a lot. "that can't be further from the truth. i never wanted to get him into bed, at all. god, i only ever wanted to be his boyfriend. can you please just let me explain? i swear that whatever you think i am, you're wrong."

"...fine. but if i see that you're lying or something, i won't hesitate to kick you and your little friend out."

josh sets the mug down on the small coffee table next to him. he starts to tell the story from the moment when he found the journal, when he tried to figure out whose name was written all over it, when he fell in love with the person writing it, when he found out that the person was tyler...and so on and so forth. "i just wanted to be near him, make sure he was okay..." he tells every detail, from how adorable he found tyler to how absolutely in love he was for him. once he finishes, he takes a look at jenna, trying to figure out her thoughts by the facial expression she's putting on.

he can't quite read her well.

"i don't know. you really did all of this to get close to him?" her facial expressions mostly convey worry and suspicion. 

"mhm. he's... i can't explain it. he does something to me. he's the only person i've ever loved. and i mean _love_ love."

josh can tell that he's pulled at jenna's heartstrings with the confession. it's as clear as day. "well, i guess i can believe you. but–"

"i know, i know," he shakes his head, cursing himself in his mind, "i'm an asshole for invading his privacy without telling him."

she nods approvingly of his statement. she takes the last sip of her hot chocolate and looks at her phone, "it's almost 7, i should wake up tyler soon for dinner."

"wait, it's almost 7?!" he takes his phone and checks it to see if there are any texts from brendon, or any sign of him being alive. he goes back to being on tumblr after the disappointment of no notifications from his best friend. the noise of the running water from the sink as jenna cleans the mugs is the ambience for his sad mood.

he was sure that brendon would tell him if something happened, but now he isn't so convinced.

* * *

"josh... wake up," tyler shakes the older boy sleeping on the pullout bed, covered in blankets and cuddling brendon's switch.

he slowly opens his eyes, tyler in his sleeping hoodie staring back at him. "what's wrong?" he yawns, it all feels like a dream. he sits up, his arms still holding onto the console's case as if it was a replacement for brendon's arms.

"i got hungry and woke up for a snack. thought you would want a brownie too. they're from the bakery," tyler explains, offering him a middle piece brownie decorated with rainbow sprinkles.

josh takes the pastry and takes a bite. the taste is like nothing he's ever had before. "holy shit, it's... this is the best brownie i've tasted. i should go to that bakery sometime." he takes another bite, tyler sitting at the foot of the makeshift bed eating his brownies in silence but enjoying the company. he looks at the time on his phone and gets shocked by the time. "why are you in the mood for brownies at 1 in the morning?"

"why wouldn't i be?"

"touché."

they keep eating the pastries until the platter is empty, only crumbs remaining. tyler is all snuggled up with josh. the excuse they give each other is to stay warm, but they know it's not true. "thank you for sharing the brownies with me. they were delicious," josh smiles at his company, his arm around tyler's shoulders.

"you're very welcome." they both chuckle and blush, looking away to pretend their cheeks aren't bright red. tyler's phone lights up with a text notification...from none other than awsten. he gulps as he opens it, hoping that josh is distracted checking his own phone or something.

 **awsten** 💗 **:** hey  
 **awsten** 💗 **:** sorry for not texting you earlier. i've been so busy with my family  
 **awsten** 💗 **:** i can't wait to see you and have our next date 💞

he types a quick reply, mostly just saying that awsten doesn't have to text all the time if he can't and how excited he is for the next date. 'next date'... that thought makes him shiver now with josh's arm around his shoulders. he can feel his heart skip a beat when josh pulls him closer. the tyler from two months ago would've melted with all this touch. does the current tyler feel the same? he can't tell. all he can feel is how his heart is beating so fast and how gorgeous josh looks under the dim light from the kitchen. he blushes, he cannot hide it anymore as josh leans in and presses a kiss to his cheek. _oh god, oh god. is he going to kiss me?_

"we should probably go to bed. i'm really tired, dunno about you."

"m-me too." tyler says in a defeated tone. is it bad that he hoped josh would kiss him? he feels so guilty about even thinking about kissing josh when he texted awsten about having a date when he comes back. when will that be? before or after josh leaves for columbus? before or after he falls for josh again? he doesn't want to think about it now. maybe later. he gets up and puts the empty brownie platter on the small dining table. he turns off the kitchen lights and heads to his room, but not before saying a "goodnight, josh," in an angelic tone.

"goodnight, ty."

that's all josh needs to fall asleep.

* * *

brendon shakes in his jacket, the cold winter air getting through his clothes and making him shiver. he can't believe himself. his phone reads 2:47 am. what a fucking dumbass he was. he walks up the apartment complex stairs. he keeps cursing himself, calling himself all types of different names, ranging from slurs to good old 'idiot'.

it's rare for him to fall back into this horrible mental state. he was sure that if he kept up going to a therapist and taking those damned pills he would be okay.

now here he is, shuddering thanks to the cold, yelling at himself, trying not to fall to his knees and cry. he wishes he could just be at home. he really wishes he could be in his house, playing mario kart with his friends and not thinking about any of this.

oh god, why did he do this to himself? he gets to the apartment door, his hand reaches for the door knob as a quiet sob leaves his lips.

he cleans up his tears with his jacket. he cannot be seen like this. as soon as he steps in the dark apartment, he wants josh. he wants to run to his arms and never let go. he wants josh to tell him it's gonna be okay. but it's just not the truth. how can it all be okay when no matter how close brendon gets to him, it'll never be enough? every small progress he makes means nothing when tyler steps into the picture.

his heart aches while he takes off his jacket, leaving it on the rack with the rest of the coats. his mind shifts and he thinks about what things would be like if josh had the same feelings for him. the thought of holding his hand in public, stealing kisses whenever he could, cuddling not to prevent nightmares but to be closer. it seems so within reach...and tyler is taking all of this away from him.

 _stupid, you're so fucking stupid for thinking any of this could ever happen_.

he takes off his shoes and jeans, only keeping his t-shirt and underwear. josh is sleeping soundly on the pullout bed, his beauty stunning brendon as he tries to not cry his eyes out. he gets in, covering himself with the blanket for some sort of warmth. it feels so safe, being here with josh. he wants to be closer. he doesn't know if he _is_ mad at the fact that he disappeared for more than 6 hours. as much as he wants to pull josh into his arms and cuddle as a form of an apology, he chooses not to. he's done enough damage for today.

his mind keeps racing with the concept of josh being his boyfriend. is it such an outlandish thing to imagine? it isn't, not by a long shot, but no matter what he does, no matter what he says, he cannot be further apart from josh. he could cry again from that thought alone.

he means everything to brendon. but to josh, he's his best friend.

and it'll probably stay that way. that's what scares brendon the most. it's one thing being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, but it's another completely different thing to be in love with the only person that matters to you in the entire world as they only have eyes for someone else.

as he closes his eyes, ready to escape into the bliss that is sleep, brendon feels a tug at his shirt.

"bren?"

josh's soft, sleepy voice breaks his heart and puts it back together in a mere second.

"yeah?"

"'m glad you're back."

his friend comes closer, resting his head on his chest and falling asleep again. he closes his eyes too, letting his tiredness claim him and make him go to sleep. he puts and arm around josh out of pure instinct. this is exactly what he wants, what he craves. this is all he's ever wanted.

if only brendon could enjoy this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was sponsored by dodie's song `she`


	57. december 16

josh can feel his fingers freeze off. he didn't think to pack any sort of glove. he just shoves his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. that'll work for now. "do we have to walk there? i could've borrowed brendon's car."

"it's not that far away. we could use the exercise," tyler rolls his eyes and laughs. his hands are in the pockets of his jacket, he doesn't seem to be bothered by the cold. his beanie does look surprisingly warm.

"fine. this is only going to make me more hungry for those brownies. i'm sorry if i finish them before you can grab some."

the younger boy laughs again. from what he experienced last night, he doesn't mind. the first time he tried the brownies he finished them all, he didn't leave any for jenna. "it's alright. we can get multiple orders. employees discount, y'know. besides, we need to have brendon try them out. i feel bad that he didn't get to try them. do you know at what time he came back?"

josh shakes his head and shrugs. he isn't entirely sure of where brendon was, when he came back, and why he came back at the time he did... he's had bad days before when he goes off to be rowdy at his family's cabin, but he always comes back or tells josh about it. this is an entirely new situation. when they woke up, brendon didn't seem to want to talk at all. he only said good morning to josh and proceeded to put on his airpods on and play on his switch.

"i have no idea. maybe around 3 am?"

"wow. i'm sure some brownies can cheer him up."

"maybe."

they reach the famous pastry shop. the bright pastel colors contrast with the neighboring dark color palettes from the buildings next to the establishment. it's the prettiest building josh has ever seen. looks like something straight out of tumblr aesthetic accounts. they go in and the warmth inside feels like a nice hug to josh. "welcome to cookies & co., what would you– oh, hey tyler," a guy around josh's age says from behind the counter, barely looking up from his phone. josh remembers him from the lgbt center meeting, he must be one of tyler's friends.

"hi, spence. where's your mom?" tyler walks up to the cashier like it's second nature. the store isn't as full as tyler described it to be yesterday, maybe it's not time for it to be packed yet.

"she's in the back. we have a lot of deliveries today. y'know, christmas parties and such. who's this guy?" he points at josh who is entranced by the pastries in display.

"oh. this is josh, an old friend from columbus. josh, this is spencer."

josh isn't sure of what to do with himself, he just waves and smiles at spencer. "it's nice to meet you."

"it's nice to meet you too. wait aren't you the josh that–" spencer gets interrupted by his mom coming from the back with a tray of chocolate chip cookies for him to put on display. "here, honey. arrange these for me, would you? tyler! sweetheart, you didn't have to come in today," the woman says in such a kind tone josh feels like he's talking to his own mom. it probably is a 'you are what you eat' kind of deal, but in this case it's what you bake.

"oh i know. i came to buy some of your brownies. my friend josh over here tried some last night and he's in love with them." tyler explains, already getting out the debit card jenna got him to pay for the food.

"love is a strong word, but he's right. they're the best brownies i've ever had, ma'am."

the woman smiles. she hears compliments like those all the time, but they still make her happy. "thank you, josh. i'm glad you like my baking. tyler, sweetheart, don't mind about paying me. the order's on the house. we have a lot of the brownies left over from yesterday. i miscalculated how many we needed and i don't want them to go bad. you can take those home."

tyler puts his card back in his wallet and nods. he's learned that when his boss says something, she won't change her mind. trying to negotiate with her and insist to pay is a lost cause. "thank you so much, mrs. smith. i'll make it up to somehow."

"your help around here is more than enough payback, my dear."

spencer packs the brownies up in three holiday themed boxes, they're really cute and only add more personality to the bakery. they say their goodbyes and the pair is on their way back home. josh carries two of the boxes while tyler only carries one, after all he's the one who has to open the apartment door.

"i can't wait to see brendon's face when he tries these," josh mutters, not really sure of what to make conversation of, "his reactions to food always make me laugh. when he tried my mom's lasagna he almost had an orgasm. it was so funny."

"you guys are really close huh?"

"i know him like i know myself. i doubt there's a detail about him i don't know."

tyler nods along. he wishes he had a friend that he could be that close with. yes, jenna is definitely a contender, but they haven't known each other since they were little kids. they don't know everything about each other and jenna feels more like the sister he never had anyway. "that must be nice."

"it is. i trust him with my life. i have no idea what i would do without him by my side."

* * *

"do you want some brownies?"

those 5 words are like music to brendon's ears. he stops his game and nods, he didn't really eat anything for breakfast so this will be his first meal of the day. he takes one from the platter and takes a bite out of it. he can feel josh's eyes on him, at first he doesn't understand why, until he realizes how _good_ the pastry is. "holy shit. dude, where the fuck did you get these?"

"they're from the bakery tyler works at. aren't they amazing?" josh sits next to his friend on the pullout bed, a box of the brownies in front of them.

"they're _so_ good. fucking hell," he mumbles in between bites, "we're gonna have to go on so many runs to make up for this when we get back."

josh's taken aback by that. he hasn't really thought of going back. he hasn't thought of his parents or his siblings at all since they got here. "right. we'll have to eat nothing but lettuce and rocks."

they both laugh at their inside joke. they've been around each other for so long that they know the reactions before they happen. it makes brendon feel safe. no matter how much his life goes to hell, he knows that josh _will_ be there for him and the other way around too.

at least that's what he hopes.

* * *

josh knocks on tyler's door to see if he can get in his room. brendon fell asleep after lunch, he said he was tired from staying up so late. and like the good friend josh is, he tucked him in, as a joke but it still counts.

"come in!" he hears tyler say from the other side of the wooden door. he opens the door and sees tyler on his bed, reading a book. he's wearing the same hoodie from last night, which makes him look super adorable.

"hey, mind if i join you? brendon is taking a nap and i don't wanna disturb him."

"sure," tyler pats his bed, "we can read together."

josh closes the bedroom door behind him and sits on the left side of the bed. he scoots a but closer to tyler to get a clear view of the book. he sees a couple of short paragraphs on the pages. it doesn't seem like a normal book to him. "what the hell are you reading? why are the sentences so short?"

"it's a poetry book, dummy. they're supposed to be that short. we can read them one by one if you want."

"alright. i read them like normal? no fancy voices or anything?"

the younger boy nods. he finds it adorable how josh is trying to understand the poetry book, even if it's such a silly question like that. "yup, just like normal."

"alright," josh clears his throat and starts reading one of the poems, "'love is not cruel. we are cruel. love is not a game. we made a game out of love.' that's _deep_ , holy shit." he laughs and feels accomplished when he gets a snort out of tyler. what he said isn't that funny, but it worked.

they continue to read the poems, taking turns with each one. it's a peaceful moment, the company is exactly what they need. tyler shivers at the feeling of josh's hand on his, holding the book more open so he can read better. he knows it's an innocent thing, but his skin feels like it's on fire. he can't help his cheeks from starting to turn red as if he was out in the cold. he averts his gaze whenever they make eye contact. it's like a reflex. he feels so safe. he hasn't been this close with any of this other friends, not even with jenna.

"'...i want to have you cause the two of us combined could set it on fire.'"

"that one is beautiful," tyler barely mutters. his breathing is getting shorter and heavier. he can feel josh's eyes on him. he dares to look up at him and their eyes meet.

"well i think _you're_ beautiful."

he doesn't have any words. he's completely speechless. josh leans in closer, their faces merely an inch or so apart from the other's. tyler's eyes flicker between josh's eyes and lips. he doesn't know what to do. he feels josh's hand on his thigh and he doesn't mind it. he likes it. his hands drop the book when josh closes the gap between them and presses his lips to tyler's. both of his hands cup the younger boy's face, making the short but sweet kiss deeper. both of their stomachs feel like they're full of butterflies.

it only lasts for a few seconds but to tyler it feels like ages. when josh pulls away, he lets out a whimper. the older of the two looks at him with what can only be described as the purest heart eyes. it only gets tyler to blush even more. he isn't sure of what happened. his brain is still trying to process it. after all, that was his very _first_ kiss. the butterflies and fireworks in his stomach makes everything feel fuzzy. 

"j-josh?"

"yes?"

"would you kiss me again?" he speaks, his voice turning tremulous.

"of course." and he kisses him again.

* * *

it's been over an hour now. they're laying on tyler's bed. the poetry book is now on the nightstand, open at some random page. josh has his arms around tyler, cuddling him while he presses kisses to the top of his head.

it feels so surreal. so out of a movie.

tyler doesn't know how to feel. he knows that this is everything he's ever wanted. he's with josh, for god's sake! they kissed! but it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. it's just not right.

he's betraying awsten. he's going against everything he made himself promise when he left columbus. he's falling for josh once again, and he isn't sure if he's even mad about it. that's what worries him the most.

* * *

brendon wakes up from his nap at around 8 pm. he really needed it. he looks around the small apartment for any sign of someone being there. he doesn't see jenna's coat on the hangers. she must be at work still.

he sees tyler's and josh's jackets there though. "guys?" he asks out in the wind and gets no response.

he decides to go and check tyler's room. he hasn't been inside, but desperate times call for desperate measures. he gets up from the pull out bed and goes to the door. he opens it as delicately as he can. inside the bedroom, he sees tyler and josh sleeping together on the bed, the exact same way him and josh usually do.

his heart feels like it's going to combust.

he walks inside, tears forming in his eyes from nothing but frustration and jealousy. the open book in the nightstand catches his attention. he gets close enough to read the words on the page.

' _you might have not been my first love, but you were the one that made all other loves irrelevant_.'

he wants to cry.

he gets out of the room and takes his things with him before storming out of the apartment, tears of rage and desperation running down his face. he doesn't care it's like yesterday. he doesn't care about how worried josh might be when he notices he's gone.

he can't care anymore. caring only hurts him more. he feels like he's about to break. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what an eventful chapter. i guess this is now classified as a slowburn fic


	58. december 17

josh hates this. it's 3 am and he's up.

he's been waiting for god knows how long for brendon to come back. tyler and him woke up at around midnight for snacks, and not seeing any sign of brendon anywhere really got him worried. now he's waiting on the small dining table, playing on the switch, while tyler sleeps since he has work later on today. jenna also got home a few hours ago extremely exhausted.

the only person missing is brendon.

no matter how much josh wants to give him the benefit of the doubt, he feels that brendon could be in danger. sure, he claims to be able to take care of himself, but that doesn't mean he's completely safe. for all josh knows he could be trapped in a cabin the the middle of the woods with only bread crumbs and a drop of water.

all calls go straight to voicemail. the texts only get delivered but never read.

around 3:42 am, the jingle of a bunch of keys catches josh's attention. he pauses the game and goes to the door, only to see brendon in tears staring back at him. his nose is painted a soft shade of red due to the cold weather and only having a flimsy jacket to help keep the heat of his body going. "bren... where were you? are you okay?" josh immediately goes for a hug, shutting the door close to keep the harsh weather outside. he hugs his friend so close and so tight to help with the warming up.

"i'm fine," brendon mumbles with his hands still hanging onto the car keys. he's refusing to let go of them. the below zero temperature that they hold is keeping him astray, somehow helping with his seemingly zombie state.

"i was worried about you.."

the two stay like that for a moment before brendon gently pushes his friend away and takes a deep breath. he passes him the keys and heads to the guest bathroom. "i'm gonna take a shower." it's all he manages to speak before continuing his path.

josh isn't sure about what to do. he puts the keys on the table and follows brendon. the bathroom door is now closed, the faint sound of the shower is all josh can hear... until he hears sobs. deep, painful sobs. he opens the door and sees brendon crying on the shower floor, all of his clothes still on.

"brendon..." he shakes his head and goes to turn off the hot water. the steam has already managed to cover the mirror. he pushes away the hair off his friend's face and cups his face with his hands. "what's wrong? why are you crying?"

it seems like brendon has forgotten how to speak because all he can do is sob again and hug his friend. josh hugs him back, screw having his clothes wet now.

"hey, it's okay. i'm here for you. if you don't wanna tell me, that's okay. i'm here," josh whispers as reassurance. brendon sobs into his shirt, only mumbling incoherent words every so often. "it's okay, it's okay. i'm right here. you can let it all out."

eventually, josh manages to get him to actually take a shower and change into a warm set of clothes to sleep in. josh also changes to a new shirt, since his original one is as soaked as brendon's clothes. they get into the pullout bed and assume their usual cuddling positions, only that josh is the big spoon for once.

you'd think that after almost 16 years of knowing each other, that would've happened before but you'd be wrong.

"are you feeling better, bren? i can make you some hot chocolate," josh offers, wrapping his arms firmly around brendon's waist.

"'m good," the taller of the two replies, "thank you."

"you don't have to thank me about anything. it's only fair i do this since you've done so much for me already. i owe you a big ass favor, dude. this is only a tiny part of that."

josh can tell that this warms up brendon's heart.

"can i tell you a secret? promise me you won't tell jenna."

"secret? um, okay," brendon isn't sure of what the hell could josh mean. but this feels familiar to both of them. telling each other secrets and swearing to never tell anyone is standard routine.

"i kissed tyler."

josh can't tell with the lights off what brendon's face looks like when he says that. he's so sure that he's happy for him. this is the whole purpose of this trip after all, right? getting tyler to not be mad and possibly get with josh. it's set in stone.

"oh..."

"yeah. i... i still can't believe it."

brendon nods along, tears forming in his eyes. "h-how was it?"

"absolutely everything i've ever wanted. it feels so _right,_ y'know? like when i made out with ashley i felt nothing, or when we used to do it, that was weird. but him... it was like a million fireworks going off in the distance. like it was where i needed to be."

josh waits for brendon something else, but he says nothing at all. "let's sleep. i can tell you more in the morning."

"o-of course, can't wait. night, josh."

"night."

the two start to fall asleep at 4:35 am. the tiredness is too much for them to push through and still be awake. they huddle closer, the cold of the apartment sneaking in between their blankets. josh brings his friend closer, he's actually enjoying being the big spoon. maybe he could try it more often since tyler seems to be strictly little spoon. he falls asleep with a big smile on his face. he's looking forward to what might happen later on in the day.

meanwhile, brendon falls asleep in tears. his face is damper due to them. he enjoys this situation as much as he can, because he has a suspicion that from now on, he'll sleep alone in this bed. he can't protest about it, can he? it would look too selfish for him to get in between his friend and his crush. the one who he actually feels _something_ for, something other than just 'weird'. did josh actually mean that? did those kisses they shared once upon a time mean absolutely nothing? did he not feel fireworks then? he does have to admit that at the time they were out of the ordinary, but now he wishes he could go back in time and enjoy them. _truly_ enjoy them. that might've been the last time that'll ever happen. cursed be these feelings. now it doesn't feel good to hurt.

he doesn't even wanna imagine what could happen in the afternoon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the first part of what i call 'the december 17th triology'


	59. december 17 pt. 2

brendon is alone in the apartment again. well, alone meaning jenna is doing her own thing in her room while he's in the living room without company.

he should've expected josh to go downtown with tyler to hang out and get more brownies. he could've gone with them, but he feels like a third wheel enough by just existing near them. he's distracting himself by trying to beat breath of the wild, after all he left that game unfinished when smash bros came out. it feels nice to have a sense of certainty and comfort as he battles the enemies and cooks raw fish to heal.

he's too into the game to notice jenna coming out of her room and sit next to him on the couch. "you okay there? you haven't moved since lunch," she comments, looking at the screen to understand what he's playing.

"i'm fine. not in the mood today."

she nods and looks back to tyler's bedroom door. she can remember the day he moved in so clearly. "i know it's none of my business, but why aren't you out with them? i thought you were always around josh."

"i don't feel like being with him right now," brendon says dryly.

"oh?" she raises an eyebrow, "did you two fight?"

he shakes his head and pauses his game, going to the main menu to talk to jenna. "we didn't. he's been getting on my nerves lately being all lovey-dovey with tyler. it's gross."

"it _is_ kinda gross. no offense to your friend but i cannot understand what tyler sees in him, realistically."

that sparks something inside brendon. "he's the most amazing guy to ever exist, excuse you. he's super kind and sweet. really fucking smart too even though he doesn't wanna admit it. he's also so handsome. no one compares to his beauty, okay? he's one of a kind. i've never met anyone like him before."

jenna purses her lips together and sighs, "alright. sorry. didn't know you were so passionate about this. i though you'd joke with me."

"oh, i am passionate about this. i gotta defend my cr– uh, i mean, my _best friend_ at all times."

"not gonna lie, what you said doesn't sound like you're talking about your 'best friend'. it sounds more like what a guy who has a crush would say."

brendon shakes his head almost violently. no one is allowed to know of his secret. "what? pfff, no. i'm close to him, okay? i know josh like i know my own damn mind. he's like my brother. i can't like him."

"but you do. right? i haven't seen any guys, who aren't a couple, cuddle each other the way you guys do it. you're always with him, and on pizza night i could see you were kinda angry when josh sat close to tyler."

he knows there's no winning the argument. even if he tries to lie, jenna could see right through him. "that doesn't matter. he's my best friend. we're just being us. besides, we've already tried things and they didn't work out."

"what do you mean? you look like the perfect match. you're crazy, he's sane. opposites attract each other."

"he never felt anything for me, nothing that he wasn't feeling already. i didn't either."

she's really putting her psychology degree to good use now. for once, she doesn't have to use it for something that isn't cupcake marketing. "now you do though. i can see it in your eyes. whenever you talk about him you have this joyful glow and shit. you have a crush on him."

"and? he's too into tyler to notice. i don't wanna ruin our friendship anyway. i can't just tell him "hey, by the way, i've realized that i have romantic feelings for you so please date me." i'm not that crazy."

"look, all i know is that you shouldn't repress your feelings. it'll only hurt you more. you must want to tell him, right?"

brendon takes a deep breath and lets out a heavy sigh. "yeah... wait, are you trying to make me tell him how i feel so he doesn't go after tyler anymore? is that why?"

she quickly shakes her head. she seems to be telling the truth from what brendon can tell. as much as he can suspect her intentions, her words sound genuine. "not at all. i swear. you seem to be a really nice guy and don't deserve to have your heart hurt like this." she pulls him into a hug, which he didn't expect but still appreciates it.

"thanks, that's really sweet of you. i'll just keep my feelings to myself for now. it has to be the right moment for me to tell him i guess." he hugs her back and smiles. following advice has never been his strong suit. something about how jenna is putting it makes him more inclined to actually do it.

she nods and goes back to her room after grabbing a leftover brownie from the fridge. brendon unpauses his game to keep playing until his phone rings. he picks up and can tell it's a semi intoxicated pete on the other side of the line. " _dudeeeeeee! you picked upppp!_ " his far from just tipsy friend speaks loudly into the phone.

"hey, pete. why do you sound drunk? it's 5 in the afternoon." he pauses the game once again and puts the console on the coffee table in front of him. this could turn into a long call.

" _today's that girl hayley's christmas party. she said it's a 3 day bash at her grandparents' cabin._ "

"which hayley?"

" _williams. duh. she's loaded like you, bro. this cabin is nice as shit. even the guest house outside is fancy and all._ "

he can't help but laugh at how pete sounds. the way he's pronouncing some words is hilarious to him. it's only a slight change that a lot of people won't notice, but he does. "why did you call me?"

" _oh! right. so, listen up. yesterday the guys and i were playing truth, dare or shot and we got so fucking wasted. but like, dallon got so shitfaced. he picked truth and ryan asked him who he would fuck out of the group if he had to and he fucking said you! he said like "oh, i would totally fuck brendon. have you seen that hot piece of ass?" or some shit like that._ "

he stops to think before replying. he isn't sure of what to say to that. not to flatter himself, but he knows that most of their friends had or still have a thing for him. it would be a shame if they didn't. "really? i thought he would've picked jon. hm, guess i was wrong."

" _guess what he fucking did next? the guy gets up on the fucking table and straight up confesses his love for you, dude!_ "

that's what really gets brendon to wake up from his mental state. he knew dallon had a crush on him a few years ago, but nothing happened. maybe he never stopped liking him. this hits him like a cold bucket of water being thrown at him all the way from columbus. it's weird to have somebody like you. this gets brendon thinking.

could he change his mind about josh? after all, there are more fish in the sea, right? it's not like it wouldn't be hard to give up on these feelings he's been dealing with. it _is_ josh who owns his heart right now. a little part of him would die if he hypothetically lets go of this crush and tries things out with dallon.

but is that what he really wants? he's never seen dallon in any other way aside from just a good friend. yet again, that's how josh sees him. no matter who he moves on to, his heart still will ache for josh. he knows that they could work together if they give themselves a try. of course that's hard when the other person only has heart eyes for somebody else.

could he even make josh like him? in the universe where tyler rejects him, would josh like him instead? from how josh's always acted towards brendon it's very unlikely.

maybe he _can_ move on. the issue now is that if he actually wants to.

" _brendon? dude, are you there?_ " pete's voice brings him back to reality.

"sorry, i got distracted. um, that's... i didn't expect that."

" _you should really be here, bren. your parents probably won't mind that you don't babysit your house for one day._ " as much as brendon would like to drive 4 hours back to columbus for the party, he knows he can't leave josh behind. it would too mean of him to do so.

"i'm sorry, pete. i can't. besides josh is getting sick or something, i need to look after him." his mouth feels dry. a bittersweet taste remains on his lips as he lies. pete is nothing compared to his parents or josh's parents, but somehow it hurts more.

" _ah. okay. sure you have to 'look after him'. gotcha. just make sure you wear a condom, dude._ "

he can feel the sarcasm in pete's voice. "pete, it's not like that. you know that josh's straight."

" _rightttt. as straight as a ruler. well, at least use lube. gotta go, alex came back with the beer!_ " the call ends before brendon can say anything else. do all of his friends know josh isn't straight? yeah it's not like he's 'acting straight'. whatever that is. but do they all think that they're together?

he puts his phone back on the table and isn't sure if he should go back to playing his game. he needs the escapism but he's tired of doing that. what else can he do though?

he picks up the console and resumes his game. he can talk to josh another day.


	60. december 17 pt. 3

tyler sighs as he feels like floating.

he's laying in his bed, waiting for josh to get out of the shower after a long day together. they got caught in the rain as they came back from downtown, leaving both of them soaked. they each decided to take showers separated to warm up. tyler finished first in his own bathroom and already has a new set of pajamas on.

to pass the time, he checks his phone for any texts or calls he didn't answer while out. he sees that awsten called him twice without leaving a voicemail. a sudden guilt falls to his heart when he realizes what he's been doing. he promised to call awsten at least once per week. he hasn't done that yet. he swallows, heavy breaths taking over as he presses his date's number.

it rings three times before awsten picks up. " _hello?_ "

the voice sounds oddly comforting. "hey, awsten. i'm sorry i couldn't pick up before. i had my phone on silent. how's christmas with your family so far?" it's not a lie, so it doesn't hurt him as much as it should.

" _it's alright. i wanted to hear your voice, that's all. it's so boring here. i've been wrapping so many presents. i don't wanna see any more wrapping paper for the next year_."

tyler chuckles. he really misses having his company. no wonder tyler has a huge crush on him, right? "that sucks. but at least your present's on a bag."

" _yours is wrapped because i hate myself. anyway how have you been?_ _any exciting news from the bakery?_ "

"...nope. nothing exciting. it's just been me and jenna." he knows he's a dirty liar, but he's too scared to tell the truth. who knows what awsten might think if he tells him about josh and all the messy feelings that take up most of his brain.

" _awe. well, maybe when i come back we can do something fun. we could go on that second date i mentioned._ "

tyler fake laughs and clears his throat. "yeah. of course. i gotta go now, but i'll call you in a few days, okay? love you."

" _okay. say hi to jenna from me. love you too, ty._ _bye!_ " he hangs up without even saying a goodbye back. and with seemingly perfect timing, josh comes in with his beautiful curly hair still a little bit damp. he's wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, to tyler he looks really attractive right now.

"hey," josh smiles at him and closes the door, joining him on the bed afterwards, "this feels much better. that rain was cold as ice."

the younger boy nods. he can feel the guilt and shame crawling up his back. he's sure that josh knows about awsten thanks to his tumblr, but he doesn't seem to mind now. after all, they've kissed so that makes up for everything. "it was. i'd be surprised if we don't get sick."

"knock on wood, babe."

"b-babe?" the pet name takes tyler by surprise. he didn't think that they're on the stage of calling each other pet names.

"yeah. you don't want me calling you that?" he can basically hear the hurt in josh's voice as he says that.

"i just didn't know we were there yet. we just kissed, josh. it's not a big deal." oh but it is a big deal. at least to tyler it is. that'd been his first kiss; his first kiss ever had been with his first crush. the guy who took over his entire mind for months. but just when tyler was over him, he gets pulled back in. it's all overwhelming. he feels like garbage for lying to awsten and setting him aside for josh, the same josh that betrayed him and gave him enough reasons to leave his hometown.

all the plans he had to leave were mostly hypothetical. he wasn't actually going to leave until college arrived but josh lying to him was the drop that made me whole glass spill over. yeah, he's no better for avoiding telling his new crush the truth, but it's a white lie compared to the month long con.

"it's a big deal to me. i like you a lot, tyler. i've liked you ever since we first spoke, okay? even before that. you're the only person i've been able to think about for so long," his eyes are pleading, begging puppy eyes, "i think we could work. can you give me a chance?"

"a chance? what do you think i've been doing since you got here?"

"that's not what i mean. i'm talking about dating, about me liking you and you liking me back."

"i-i can't like you, josh! i had a hard time getting over you already. it was so hard, i don't even know how i did it in the first place. i don't wanna have to repeat that all over again if we break up!"

josh takes his hand and cups his left cheek with his other one. "please let me show you that you're wrong. give us a try... i swear you won't regret it."

"how are you so sure? do i need to remind you of how the first time went?"

"it's not gonna be like that. i promise you i'm not lying or anything. i do like you so much. you're all i can think about. you own my heart, ty. it hurts me to not be with you. can't you just give me a chance? a real chance?"

"i... i don't know. i've changed. i'm not the same tyler you met. it hasn't been that long, i know, but i'm different. god! i'm on fucking meds and you don't even know that. you don't know i wake up in the middle of the night scared that i might end it all because of a nightmare. you don't know that i'm still messed up in my head. you barely know anything about me... and what you know fucking sucks. why do you still want to be with me?" tyler looks down, tears suddenly rolling down his cheeks. he doesn't know when those formed in his eyes.

the older of the two wipes said tears with his thumb and kisses tyler's forehead. "i know, but i want to get to know you. i want to see more of you. i'm in love with what i've seen already, i can only imagine how much more i'll love you after this. let me get to know you, please."

"what if you break my heart again?"

"i won't. i'd die if i ever hurt you again."

tyler's eyes keep watering as he stares longingly into his love's eyes. he smiles weakly when josh kisses his forehead once more. "okay... i trust you," he whimpers, completely forgetting about the call he just had with awsten. all that matters in his head is josh. josh. josh. josh.

"thank you.. i swear on my heart that you won't regret it."

"i sure hope so."

"can i kiss you?"

"mhm." and with that, josh connects his lips to the younger boy's. it's a sweet kiss, a hopeful one. he cups his face with his right hand too now, deeping the kiss a little. tyler puts his arms around his neck, also pulling him closer to deepen the kiss.

when they pull apart, they can't help but blush. tyler's the one to start the kiss this time, and he doesn't seem to have any intention of letting go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter kinda sucks, i edited it but it could be better


	61. december 18

christmas is getting closer and closer, and it's more than obvious for such a small town. lots of families have either gone off to visit people in other states or they've stayed to welcome visitors into their own house. however, spencer's family seems to fit in none of those categories.

josh joined tyler in his shift at the bakery in the morning, mostly out of curiosity and he also wanted more brownies. now he's helping mrs. smith pack up baked goods for people to pick up. she insisted on paying him for his help, which is always a good thing. "i didn't know people could order so many gingerbread cookies," he comments as he finishes putting the sealing sticker on the box to stack it up with the others.

"the jacksons need them for their big family christmas," mrs. smith passes the boxes to tyler so he can ring them up and bill mrs. jackson later, "they've ordered way more before, i guess their granddaughters aren't coming these year. they all have kids so they order extra cookies for them."

they continue to work in silence, nothing other than the royalty free coffee shop music filling the air alongside the smell of warm cinnamon rolls. josh takes out a freshly baked tray of cookies out of the oven and places them over the rack to they can cool. "you know, josh, i would love to have your help around here. you'd be pretty useful when spencer goes to college next year. he wants to go to ucla so i'd have a spot open for you. i can always use the extra pair of hands," mrs. smith says, looking proudly at him over how fast he's learned to manage his job.

the proposal sounds really inviting to him. he's basically being handed a job, how many ordinary people can say that? he could live in an apartment nearby and if things with tyler flourish even more they could move in together. they could have the perfect life he's always reading about in harry potter fanfics. what else can he ask for? his heart cannot wait to say yes until his brain holds onto the thought for a moment. he pushes his ideal fantasy aside and puts some logic into it. what would his parents say? they don't even know he's away from columbus. how on earth is he gonna explain that he got a job offer all across the state in a bakery? in the ideal universe they say yes. however, this isn't an ideal universe. as supportive as they are, they'd want him to go to college, get a degree and graduate. they've mentioned it ever since he started high school. good grades mean a good college and a good college helps in finding a good job.

but he hasn't even begun to think about his life beyond senior year. hell, he doesn't even know _where_ he wants to study yet, much less _what_ he wants to study. psychology in nyu? art in ucla? marketing in harvard? engineering in mit? would any of those give him a soccer scholarship? if they do, which offer is the best one? and don't get started on student loans... there's so many choices and options to pick that he's already scared of the decision. yes, he's done the whole psat deal and definitely suffered because of it. that doesn't mean he's ready for anything else.

all of that means being away from his home, away from his family, away from his friends, away from brendon and away from tyler. he's nothing without any of them. he knows he can't stay in youngstown. it's very unlikely faith or god or whatever has that planned for him. he can feel that the small town life isn't for him, he knows it. his heart belongs somewhere else.

"that sounds great, thank you so much... but i, i don't think i'll be here next year." he can physically feel the pain in his body as he says this.

"it's okay. don't worry, sweetheart. i understand. you can come here whenever you want, there'll always be a spot for you," the woman gives him a genuine smile and a hug, getting a little bit of flour on his apron.

he hugs her back, tears forming in his eyes. the motherly presence of mrs. smith keeps reminding him of his own mom, and how he's betraying her by being here. he should call his mom or text her to see how things are back home. for now, he sniffs the tears away, fanning his eyes to dry them out when the hug is over. he puts on a straight face and goes back to work.

* * *

"hi, mom," josh says into the phone, brendon sitting next to him on the bed. it's around 10:52 pm, tyler has already gone to sleep as well as jenna, so the two friends have the small apartment to themselves now.

" _josh! hello, sweetie. how are you? how's brendon? it's been a while since we heard about you two._ " his mom's voice is so comforting, even brendon is emotional over it. she may not be his birth mother, but spiritually she's the second best mother figure he's ever had, right after lily .

"hi, mrs. dun," brendon speaks into the phone too, getting intimately closer to josh while he does it.

" _hi, brendon. how have you boys been? is housesitting going well?_ "

josh gulps and looks at his best friend for help. he can't bring himself to lie to his mom... again. thankfully, brendon is there for him. "we're alright. it's been kinda boring, actually. we only play video games for the most part."

" _that's good. remember that too much screen time isn't good for your eyes. oh, i almost forgot. josh, are you feeling okay, honey? pete called me yesterday and said that you were feeling sick. do you want me to pass by and drop off some soup for you?_ " if there's something to describe the pure panic and horror in josh's eyes as his mom talks, i don't know what it is. he stares at brendon, looking for answers in his eyes but he gets nothing. when did pete call brendon? why did brendon lie about him being sick? they really need to coordinate their lies if they don't want to get caught.

"i'm fine. it was just coughing. it's gone now," josh face palms. he's just fuming at brendon.

" _hmm... okay. if you boys need anything don't hesitate on calling._ "

"don't worry about us, we'll be just fine. we can live with each other," brendon puts his arm around josh's shoulders to try to get him to calm down.

" _alright. well, bill and i were talking and we said that you both should come home for christmas. i can talk with your mother, brendon. i'm sure she won't mind you joining us for dinner on the 25th. you can leave the house for one night._ "

"that's really sweet of you, mrs. dun. i'd love to join you. thank you," the older of the two says in a kind voice.

"uh- we gotta go, mom. bye, tell everyone i love them." josh hangs up and puts his phone next to him and looks at brendon, anger in his eyes. "what the hell was that?! why did she think i was sick?!" he shakes off the arm around his shoulder. he isn't mad but he is pissed off.

"pete invited us to this party at williams' house and i had to lie. you'd rather have me tell him the truth? tell him we're out here instead of stuck in my house playing mario party? it's not like i said you had a terminal illness or something," he rolls his eyes and sighs, looking down at his hands resting on his lap, "we could've gone to that party, y'know? it sounded like a lot of fun. it's in a fucking cabin. a _williams_ cabin. we haven't gone to a party in a cabin in a while, especially a williams cabin party."

josh shakes his head, averting his gaze from brendon. he's not as pissed off now thanks to the explanation, but he is offended by the fact that his best friend wants to be somewhere else with other people. he's supposed to be there for him all the time. why is he being so selfish about this? how dare brendon only think about himself? to say that josh isn't in the best mindset is an understatement. 

"there's gonna be a lot of parties," he begins to say, getting into a laying position to sleep, "i won't have many chances with tyler."

"and clearly he's the only thing on your mind," brendon rolls his eyes. he wasn't angry before, but he is definitely starting to get there now. he copies josh in laying down, but instead of getting closer to cuddle for warmth or comfort, he stays in his side of the pullout bed. he isn't in the mood to give josh affection he doesn't deserve. he feels insulted, used. he thinks his friend should be more grateful for all he's done for him. one party wouldn't kill him. they're always doing what he wants. when is it going to be brendon's turn? he hates how his thoughts are painting josh like the bad guy, but what else can he do? he hasn't been the nicest person these past few days. yeah, he definitely doesn't deserve brendon to hold him as they sleep.

"why would i think about anything else? we're here for him, remember? i want the guy i love to love me back."

josh puts his phone on the floor, connecting it so it charges overnight. he doesn't wanna mention the job offer to brendon yet, it's not the right time. maybe he will tomorrow or the next day. something tells him that his friend isn't into him right now. _maybe tomorrow he'll stop being such a dick_. he closes his eyes and can't hear brendon when he murmurs a low, "me too."


	62. december 19

**life update**

hey guys, sorry that i haven't been active these past few days but it's been an _eventful_ few days. an old friend came to visit me and all my attention's been focused on him. ofc i'll explain about him later, this is only a short update after all. i'll probably post new poetry after christmas, i can't come up with any ideas for them rn.

i hope everyone's having a good holiday, no matter what you celebrate and if you don't celebrate anything i hope you're having a nice break. enjoy the cold weather or for you southern hemisphere peeps, enjoy the warm weather.

i'll talk to you guys later

-tyler

* * *

time's running out, or at least that's how it feels like to josh. christmas keeps getting closer and closer. it's almost a deadline for him by now.

he's waiting for tyler to go to the bakery. his crush usually doesn't take this long to get ready, but it's not a big deal. he looks over at brendon sleeping on the bed. he smiles to himself, he's so lucky to have him as his best friend. to be fair, brendon's been acting a bit odd lately, but that's normal brendon anyway. clearly his anger towards him washed away while he was sleeping. 

"ty? are you ready?" he goes up to the bedroom door and knocks on it. he tries not to talk too loudly to wake up brendon.

as if on cue, tyler comes out of his room looking as warm as ever. "sorry, i couldn't find my hoodie. it was in the back of my closet, next to me obviously," the younger boy jokes while grabbing his keys and the other essentials.

"was that a gay joke?" josh raises his brow. he didn't expect tyler to be so open to him that he can now make those kinds of jokes around him. it's nothing out of the ordinary, but he can't even really make gay jokes to brendon. i mean, he can, but it takes a big part of him to do so. it's hard doing it so freely when he has to stop himself around most people. it's better to not do them at all, that way you won't mess up. not being fully out sucks.

the younger boy nods with a low, "mhm," and they both brace themselves for the cold winter weather. 

* * *

brendon and jenna have become an unlikely duo. they're sharing some chinese food they ordered for the sake of not cooking anything. as much as jenna loves to do so, once in a while she likes to sit back and enjoy other people cooking for her instead. the choice of entertainment is a movie they stumbled upon while scrolling through netflix's plethora of romance movies.

"are you serious that this isn't you and josh?" jenna asks while grabbing the brown rice from the table to serve herself some on her plate. they're only about 45 minutes into _love rosie_ , and it's become a lecture already.

"yeah. i'm not getting pregnant, staying behind while josh moves to boston and dates someone else instead of me. that's not how the male body works."

"alright, what about without the baby part? how are you so sure you're gonna be together forever? i mean, josh probably wants to do his own thing at some point."

brendon sighs and takes a bite out of his chow mein. "i guess so. we're best friends, though. there hasn't been a moment in our lives where we haven't been there for each other. we agreed on going to the same college and be roommates."

"you could get accepted into different colleges, or want different careers. it never works out like you planned. look at me, i wanted to be a pediatrician in new york and now i'm a pastry shop chef with a degree in psychology in a small town in ohio. things rarely go the way you want them to."

she pauses the movie to keep having their conversation; they can continue watching it after finishing the conversation. "that doesn't matter. we're best friends! wherever he goes, i go. no questions asked," brendon spats.

"even if that means not being _with_ him? just getting to watch from afar?"

"...yes. as long as he's happy, so am i."

* * *

not long after finishing the movie, brendon goes out to pick up some coffee to get his body going. he wants to distract himself from all the thoughts in his mind, and staying at the apartment won't help with that.

he knows that he shouldn't go to the bakery for the coffee. it'll only hurt him to do it. instead he goes to the coffee shop just a few streets away. it's mostly deserted aside from a couple of people typing away on their laptops.

he orders a latte, not feeling to drink his coffee black today, and adds some sugar once he gets it. it's not the best he's ever had in his life, it works out nonetheless. his phone rings as he walks back to the car parked outside the shop. he smiles when he sees that it's pete calling him again.

"hey pete," he says relieved for some sense of familiarity.

" _dude! did i call you the day of the party at williams'?_ " pete's voice sounds a bit preoccupied and out of place. the background noise is what brendon would expect: the sound of smash bros and the screams of anger of his friends in the distance.

"you did. you were really drunk as far as i could tell. why?"

" _listen, i shouldn't have told you about dallon. i forgot that we weren't supposed to tell you. i also forgot that you're into josh, like what kind of friend forgets that. i mean i was really wasted–_ "

that almost makes brendon spit his coffee. "wait, wait. you know?"

" _what? about you liking josh? of course i know. why else would you only invite him to spend so much time at your house, just the two of you, while your parents are gone? i know you lied about him being sick to get into his pants in peace. it's about damn time he gets some action, anyway_. _i don't get why he always says that 'saving myself for marriage' bullshit when he obviously is as horny as the rest of us_. _maybe even more._ "

all brendon does is face palm himself a bit too hard and regret every life decision he's ever made before he replies. what can he reply with anyway? "pete, we didn't hook up. i swear. he doesn't even know i like him. i'm begging you to not tell anyone. i don't want this to ruin anything. please?"

" _if that's what you want. i'm just saying that you guys would be a good couple, i'm not messing with you this time_."

"thanks, i don't think we're going to ever be a thing. it'd be weird." deep down, brendon gets butterflies in his stomach while thinking about what that'd be like. he stops himself from fantasizing too much about it.

" _i gotta go. it's my turn to kick alex's ass. tell josh i said hi._ _see ya!_ "

the conversation is over as soon as it began, but it leaves brendon wondering, what if he finally confesses to josh? would that as bad as he's making it out to be in his head? after all, if the rest of his friends are as accepting of the relationship as pete seems to be, what's the damage? nothing seems to be on their way.

nothing except...well, you know exactly what it is that could keep them apart. that 5 letter word bugs him. he's the reason why josh could refuse to be with him, but if it weren't for this road trip to find him, brendon would've never realized his feelings.

it's all too confusing to be dealing with right now. he drives back to the apartment and settles in the bed to play more breath of the wild to distract himself from his feelings. the coffee definitely helped.


	63. december 19 pt. 2

josh feels so tired. it's been a few hours since tyler and him came back from the bakery. it got really busy in the middle of the afternoon, so he worked extra hard then. mrs. smith gave them cookies as a reward for putting up with so many orders without telling them beforehand.

after dinner tyler and jenna go to their rooms to sleep, already so tired from all they did during the day. josh and brendon meanwhile are still at the dinner table talking about nothing in particular. he offers brendon cookies for dessert. cookies always go well after pasta, right? "i'm definitely gonna miss these cookies when we get back home," brendon mentions while he finishes his second cookie.

"what?'' josh asks, brendon even mentioning the fact that this is not their usual life makes him feel weird.

''we should be heading back home soon. god knows if the road's gonna be blocked by snow. i don't wanna deal with that. besides, we're having christmas with your folks, remember?''

josh sighs and looks around at the place he's called home for the last few days. he hasn't said anything about possibly staying here to his best friend, no mention of what mrs. smith asked him. he knows that if he does say it, brendon might react badly. but he's his best friend, he should support him just like he did with this whole trip in the first place. it makes sense in his head at least. ''i wanna stay, though.''

''for christmas? we can't. our parents will kill us if we don't get home before christmas. and lily will come down with us, i don't want her to suffer any consequences. you can still talk to tyler after this, y'know? i'm not sure if you're aware but there's this thing called texting-'' he gets cut off by josh before he can finish his sentence.

"would it really be so bad if i stay here? i could work at the bakery, i could do online college, i could get an apartment near here. it's not the worst idea," josh takes a bite out of his cookie and gets confused when he sees the light go out of brendon's eyes. it's almost as if he stabbed him through the heart.

"you really mean it? you can't just stay here! what am i gonna say? your parents will blame me for kidnapping you! oh god, they'll keep me in jail and wait until i'm 18 to judge me as an adult and i'll spend the rest of my days in a cell with a cannibal cellmate.''

josh takes his hand and gives his a mini massage, grounding brendon from his imagination. ''dude, i don't necessarily mean right now. i meant to say that after we graduate i wanna stay here. mrs. smith offered me a job since spencer is probably going away for college. she says she could use my help at the shop.''

the cookie has lost its taste and greatness by this revelation. it's because of this cookie that poor brendon might lose his best friend in the entire world. it might seem stupid or ridiculous to everyone else, but to him he's already losing a piece of himself by just josh saying these things. ''what, what about our plan? y'know, going to college together, being roomies, drinking and playing smash all day? are you gonna ditch that, ditch _me_ , for _this_?"

"i thought we were joking about that. we can't possibly be with each other forever, right? you must wanna do your own thing. i wouldn't want you to suffer through a degree in engineering or anything like that just so we can be together. we'd eventually go our own ways."

"right, of course. i just thought... nothing, forget it." the hurt in brendon's voice is more than enough for josh to take pity on him and give him a hug. he doesn't have the energy to hug him back, all he can do is stop the voice in his head from reminding him that jenna was right. things never go the way you planned. why did he think otherwise?

"hey, we'll still be best friends. i'll call you every day and we'll see each other in thanksgiving, christmas and the summer." he gives the older of the two a weak smile, he can tell that his words aren't helping but what else can he do? ''b, you're my best friend, i'll always go back to you.''

brendon nods, not really processing what josh says. ''i'm kinda tired, i'm gonna go to bed.'' he lies and goes to the pullout bed, leaving his unfinished cookie on the table for josh to eat before he goes to bed. it's not even that late, but his body feels so exhausted from doing absolutely nothing. you can still be tired by emotional stuff, and brendon feels that way. today's so fuzzy on his mind. he just wants to go back home and play mario kart in his room and not a random bed, in a random apartment, in a random city.

while he gets in the bed, josh eats the remainder of the cookies. it's not the best ending to the good day he had, but maybe tomorrow's gonna be different. after all, every day's been a surprise so far. who knows what might happen next. one thing's certain, if tyler's there with him, that's all that matters to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a soft spot for brendon in most fics, so it pains me to write him suffering in my own


	64. december 20

jenna wakes up right when her alarm goes off. she's stuck with the morning shift, it's not that bad, but it sucks to wake up early. she goes to the kitchen and makes herself a bowl of oatmeal, sprinkling some banana slices and blueberries on top for more flavor. she makes sure to be quiet to not wake up the two strangers sleeping on the living room right next to her.

she puts her headphones on to listen to music while checking her notifications for any texts or calls. the only texts she has are from her friend debby, nothing that important that she couldn't reply to with a few emojis. while she quietly finishes her bowl of oatmeal, tyler's door opens. he's rubbing his eyes, his hair a mess, his pajamas looking as cozy as ever.

"hey," she whispers, pausing the music and taking off her headphones.

tyler waves hello and smiles, "you made oatmeal?" he sits in front of her on the table. he scrunches up his face when jenna nods. "do we have any lucky charms left?"

"i don't think so. you can have healthy foods every once in a while, babe. i can put strawberries in your bowl, it doesn't need to have bananas." as she gets up from her seat, tyler groans and gets up first. he goes to the small pantry and searches for an alternative. he hopes for some pop-tarts or even some oreos. unluckily, he finds neither of those.

"we should go grocery shopping. there's nothing for me to eat," he mutters, closing the pantry doors. out of the corner of his eyes, he sees jenna preparing a second oatmeal bowl.

he sulks and goes back to the chair. he looks over to the pullout bed. the guests seem to be sleeping deeply, cuddling to push away the cold. tyler exhales rather harshly, something within him hates this sight. he feels like he should be the one sleeping next to josh, being wrapped around by his arms. he realizes his thoughts and shakes his head, as if that'll make them go away. for the past few days, his heart has been so conflicted; awsten and josh are in constant battle for the dominance of his mind. all he can do is sit down and watch.

jenna notices how he's staring longingly at the newfound love interest. she passes him his breakfast, freshly cut strawberries decor the top of the meal. she's aware of more information than she should know, this being brendon's unrequited feelings for josh. the odd love triangle is very intriguing, something she would watch in a movie. this is real life though. "what are you looking at? does josh have something on his teeth?" she jokes to catch his attention.

"i wish," tyler sighs, already picking at his food with the spoon, "he was really helpful at the bakery yesterday. mrs. smith offered him a job after spence leaves for college." his eyes don't make contact with hers, they're focused on his food only.

"oh? did he say yes?"

he takes a bite out of the food, shaking his head with a sad expression on his face. "no, or at least that's what mrs. smith told me." as much as it makes him ache, he knows he shouldn't be feeling this way. josh has his own life, a family that loves him, a place to call home... he shouldn't be tied down. if he even considers staying in town, tyler knows he'll feel guilty for the rest of his life. he can't take josh out of his comfortable life. he can't be the reason his whole life changes.

"have you talked to awsten?" jenna changes the subject. she hates being in the middle of the argument, her gut keeps telling her to fill tyler in about brendon's situation, although she knows it'll crush josh to see tyler drift away. it's practically a moral dilemma. it's a messy subject. "his mom sent me her gingerbread cookie recipe so we can bake those later."

all the young boy does is shrug. "i haven't really talked to him. i don't know if i wanna go on another date with him."

"why not? he's sweet, he's smart, he clearly likes you..."

"i just don't know if i really like him. he's very cute but i don't feel the same way about him anymore, i think."

jenna nods along, she can already tell tyler's true intentions with this conversation. "there's somebody else?" she starts to wash her dirty bowl and spoon, hoping the running water sounds doesn't wake up the guests and ruins the moment. she truly adores tyler, she really does, but she's praying to whatever forces exist that he doesn't say the words she knows he'll say.

"...yeah. there is."

the splashes of water against the metallic spoon breaks the unnerving quiet. it shouldn't be this dramatic, many people have these types of issues, but it somehow feels different. all the history between tyler and josh is enough for her to be conflicted on what to do. her psychology degree would be really helpful if she didn't know any of them and wasn't biased, she can't say anything that won't offend or hurt one of the guys. when did she even become involved in teen drama? it seems so ridiculous. "do you like them more than you like awsten? because if you do, you should tell him you're not interested anymore."

"i know, i know. the thing's that i don't wanna hurt his feelings," tyler sighs and passes his now empty bowl to jenna. she quickly cleans it while he goes to change into his work clothes. the conversation is cut off halfway, but neither of them wants to continue it. it's better that way.

* * *

tyler waves goodbye to a customer when he feels a hand on his shoulder. he turns around and sees spencer, a devilish smile on his face. "guess what?" the older of the two says, his hands reaching for a cupcake being displayed on the counter. tyler watches as he puts it in a box with a few other baked goods and takes his place to ring up another customer.

"what? did you get your letter from oxford already?" the 16 year old jokes. he pats down his apron, it's somehow covered in flour even though he's not in kitchen duty today.

"no, you know i'm not that fancy," spencer gives the box to the customer along with some change, waving her goodbye afterwards, "troye is throwing a party tonight, and you're obviously invited."

"a christmas party?"

"you can call it that. it's not gonna be different from a regular one. we'll have gingerbread cookies and spiced up hot chocolate though. you in?"

not even a second goes by before tyler nods furiously, "duh! can i bring someone though? i don't want to be alone like last time."

"of course. troye keeps saying 'the more the merrier' but i think it's only an excuse for him to buy more alcohol."

tyler laughs, it's not a very strong laugh, it's enough for spencer to feel good about himself. he can't wait to get home and tell josh. before jenna and him left, they put a post-it note on the table with 'left for work. be back before 6. don't kill each other. there's oatmeal in the fridge :)' written on it with jenna's beautiful handwriting. he's guessing spencer already told jenna about the party and she said no, mainly because she doesn't wanna be the only actual legal adult there being responsible for a bunch of 17 and 18 year olds drinking. this means he can have someone to leave brendon with, which also means having josh all to himself.

is it mean of him to think that way?

"thanks," he replies cheerfully, dragging the 's' to finish making a hissing sound that sounds like a snake.

"it'll be a small party, by the way, so don't get your hopes up. it won't get too crazy." the two go back to working when a handful of people come in, asking for hot drinks and pastries. each one manages half of the crowd, and by crowd i mean 6 people in total. still, not that many come in at once that often. maybe the nearby coffee shops are closed since the people are insistent on getting coffee or even hot chocolate.

they manage to not to mess up any order even with all the pressure. when they give the change back to the last person, a wave of relief washes over them. tyler goes to the kitchen to grab more chocolate cupcakes for the displays and he sees jenna taking a batch off the cooling racks. "can i take those?" he takes a tray and waits for her to say yes so he can put them in the front.

"yeah, go ahead," she answers, her gaze seems off. she's not even looking at him when she responds, her attention is on putting cookie dough on a baking sheet. the tone of her words can only be described as monotone and borderline hostile.

"are you okay? are you mad that i ate that last cinnamon bun? i can make those after lunch, if you want me to." tyler puts the cupcakes on the tray and keeps his eyes on his friend. she turns around and shakes her head, she looks so...disappointed? he's never really seen her be like this before.

"no, it's not that. i was thinking about what you said earlier," she takes a deep breath before going on, "are you going to date the new person now?''

tyler shrugs, it seems like all he can do to answer those types of questions is shrug. he hasn't thought of the answer to the question. he can't describe the situation as 'dating', they haven't really gone on a date after all. that can change in the next few days right? the party seems like a weird first date idea, but it's probably all he can manage to think about now. the sooner they do it, the better since awsten comes back the day after christmas. chirstmas. he hasn't even put christmas in the equation. is josh leaving for the holiday? he most likely will. when's he leaving? the 24th? tomorrow? who even knows. the window of opportunity keeps getting smaller and smaller with each new thought that comes up on his head.

''maybe. i'm not sure, i want to wait a little bit,'' he lies through his teeth as if he has all the time in the world. you'd think it wouldn't be a problem since josh's home is only a short 4 hour or so drive away, but he can't drive. there always seem to be a problem getting in the way, and it can be said a million times, a million ways but it's still the same. it's funny in a way.

"i wanna make sure there's a chance."

 _of course there's a chance. you kissed him and took a nap with him on your bed,_ his inside voice reminds him. if he had a penny for every time he's sorta lying to jenna during the whole day, he'd have 10 bucks. in retrospective, that's still a lot of pennies.

jenna nods, "of course. just be careful, alright? i don't want you to be hurt or hurt anyone." it's such a silly thing to be worried over, she's aware, who can blame her for worrying in the first place though? she continues working on the cookie dough, her back facing tyler so she can't see his expressions. he can make her burst into tears with just one look, not in a bad way; she cares a lot about him, almost too much.

"don't worry, i've got it under control." he smiles proudly and takes the cupcakes to the counter. he can't wait to tell josh about the party.

* * *

"a party, huh? that sounds fun," josh says between bites of the chili that jenna cooked when her and tyler got home from the bakery. it's around 4 pm, the party's not until 9 pm, which leaves them with plenty of time to get ready.

"yeah, their parties are super fun. you wanna go with me?" the younger boy's voice sounds so hopeful. if it weren't for the other two people in the room, he would kiss josh so fast right now. it's a weird urge deep within him, he can't explain it, and he doesn't even wanna get into trying to explain it. the whole issue is a mess on itself, digging deeper into it would be a disaster.

"of course we'll go with you," josh says excitedly. he must've really misunderstood tyler's intentions because he doesn't know why he's shocked.

"we?" brendon joins in after getting a glass of water, unaware of the situation at hand.

"oh yeah. you guys should go, have some fun while you're still young," jenna adds. she's not intentionally trying to prevent the semi couple from getting together, but it works out in her favor too.

"you're still young too, y'know," tyler chuckles, "it's not like you're 100 years old."

she rolls her eyes and elbows him on his arm. "i know. i need to deep clean the kitchen anyway so you three being out is convenient. don't drink anything suspicious or anything a stranger offers you. god knows what things they put in there."

the three boys nod in unison. "we know, we'll be careful," brendon mutters with a mouthful of chili. his eyes dart to tyler and josh, the two giving each other a look that can only be described as filled with love. his mom would say that he's a bit too young to know what true love is, after all he hasn't truly experienced the world and all there is to know in it. however, and sadly too, he can tell that whatever's going on between his favorite person in the world and his newfound enemy is close to true love. he has no right to feel cheated on by this silent interaction. who is he to get mad about it anyway? josh is his friend, nothing more and nothing less. any other feelings are merely coincidental.

who gave josh the right to be such a perfect human being?

the four resume their lunch, sharing what they did throughout the day –jenna and tyler worked until mrs. smith gave them the afternoon off while brendon and josh played mario kart– and so many other useless facts. the food itself is good, jenna is an excellent chef. brendon keeps telling her that she should try to apply for culinary school, that her food is even better than the rat from ratatouille. she laughs it off, not really taking it into consideration since she's happy with not being pressured into creating new recipes every single week.

the warm chili is just what they all needed to recharge batteries and get ready for the night ahead. no one's even imagining what might happen then, and even if they do, it's nowhere near as intense as it could get.

people say that a lot can happen in one night, they don't know how right they are.


	65. december 20 pt. 2

the three teens get to the house a bit early to the party. not that early, it's 9 pm when they arrive. still, there's no one there yet. parties always seem to start later than they're supposed to. it's a weird thing. spencer is finishing the last few touches while troye is putting the alcohol bottles in a neatly manner. ''you guys got here on time, i didn't expect you to,'' spencer says when he notices come in from the unlocked front door. it's probably a terrible idea to leave it unlocked, but in all honesty, the two seniors forgot to lock it in the first place.

''we miscalculated,'' brendon blurts out, his voice trembling with uneasiness. this isn't his first party, not by a long shot, but something inside him makes him feel super nervous for some reason. they put their jackets in the closet by the door, it's so warm and cozy inside the house. the smell of cookies and hot chocolate fills the air around them, along with a hint of a vanilla scented candle. ''can i have some of the chocolate?'' he asks already heading to the kitchen for it.

''i wouldn't recommend it,'' troye says sincerely, ''it has vodka in it. unless you feel like pre-gaming.''

brendon stops right on his track and comes back to the open floor living room, ''nevermind.''

his friend tilts his head in confusion, ''i thought you never turned down a drink, bren. who are you and what did you do with my best friend?''

he laughs it off very awkwardly. he can feel tyler's eyes on him, not in a mean way, more so in a 'are you actually okay?' way. ''i'm the one driving our asses home, remember? i don't wanna be drunk while doing that.''

"alright, alright. sorry for not having a license." tyler laughs at josh's joke, even though it isn't exactly a joke.

"or for not having any knowledge about driving in the first place," brendon corrects him.

"hey! i know a little bit! i have my license! it just took me five tries." the way josh says this gets his friend to snort. how he says it makes him notice how utterly adorable josh is. tyler notices it too.

"let me guess. the dmv just asked you to turn on the car and open the trunk since you sucked so bad at it. that doesn't really count as a valid reason to have a license, bud," spencer comments while arranging the cookies into different plates depending on the type of cookie. that does get a laugh out of everyone, except josh obviously.

troye covers his mouth to stop himself from laughing more, "c'mon, spence. i'm sure that josh in't _that_ bad at driving."

a red blush paints over josh's cheeks and scratches the back of his neck. "actually, he's not that far off."

"i'm trying to defend you over here, josh. give me something to work with." the five of them laugh again. the party hasn't started but they're all having a great time. this is the kind of parties that josh likes, only a few people around enjoying each other's company. being friends with brendon takes that and pushes it down the window of a 300 story building. not long ago they were celebrating getting to the state championship by throwing a huge party in the mansion. he puts up with it because he knows brendon's happiness is worth it. he knows that after all the people are gone, they can go to his room and play video games or talk about nothing in particular, just the way he likes it.

josh looks at his best friend, and gives him a smile. when he gets one back, his heart can't help but flutter at the thought of it. his cheeks turn red again, he tries to hide it by touching his face. it doesn't help, but it's an improvement.

* * *

they kill the time by putting up more decorations on the walls and the tables. barely 30 minutes go by when people start to arrive. neither josh nor brendon know any of these people. why would they? they've been in town for so little time, they wouldn't have a reason to know anyone. they silently watch as tyler, troye and spencer greet everyone. the guests look around the same age as them, a few 17 and 19 year olds thrown in for age diversity. it truly seems like tyler's the youngest one in the whole party. soon enough the music starts and the people start to divide into small groups. eventually, troye and spencer go to talk with their friends, leaving brendon to sit in the living room and watch as tyler and josh flirt at a long distance.

''whose house is it anyway?'' josh asks. he's happily enjoying a gingerbread cookie and drinking some non-alcoholic hot chocolate that troye made specifically for tyler. he shouldn't be drinking after all; no one should, but he's younger so he has to deal with it.

''troye's. his parents are out of town until christmas eve eve,'' tyler replies with a love struck smile on his face. he's trying to sit as close as he can to josh, without being creepy or invasive of course. his hand is resting on josh's knee, a friendly thing to do if you ignore all the context from the past few days. he's patiently waiting for brendon to disappear into the crowd of people so he can some alone time with josh.

without much of an option but to watch this torture, brendon gets up from the couch and walks to the table of snacks to grab himself a couple of chocolate chip cookies. spencer reassured him many times that the pastries aren't laced with anything, so he can safely eat them with no worries about driving back to the apartment. ''hey,'' someone next to him taps on his shoulder, ''i don't think i've met you before. i'm marina.''

he turns around and sees a girl staring back at him. her friendly smile and beautiful gaze catch his eye. ''oh, hey. um, i'm brendon,'' he mumbles, not quite sure about what to say to this stranger, ''we weren't introduced. i'm kinda new in town.''

''are you? i'm sure i would've seen you around if you were new. hm, well, it's nice to meet you, brendon.'' her presence warms him up, someone actually wants to talk to him and not because they're forced to. ''do you wanna sit?'' she nods towards the strangely empty dining room. she doesn't seem like much danger so he nods and they walk to the dining room. they take a seat next to each other, brendon's eyes always remaining on josh. marina takes a small piece of the cookies in front of brendon but he's too distracted to notice.

''what're you looking at?'' she asks him, genuinely intrigued by the answer. she tries to follow his gaze but can't see beyond the people dancing to the music.

after taking a deep breath, he turns his eyes back to his new friend and starts eating his feelings away. ''my friend is over there flirting with someone. i'm kinda mad about it, if we're getting real here.''

''mad? why? shouldn't you be happy for him?''

''oh no. it's a long story, but to make it short, i like my friend. as in, i have a crush on him and i want him to be my boyfriend.'' he could go on and on about his whole situation but he feels that it would be rude to ruin marina's party experience with his sad and petty love story. she could mad at him with the story. he's the one with unrequited feelings anyway, he's in the wrong for wanting to take his best friend's chance at true love just so he can keep him all to himself. it's such a selfish wish of his. he'd give up everything to have tyler banished and replaced with himself. that's a messed up thought. it isn't. don't try to justify it. he's aware of it, but he can't do anything about it but suffer.

''i see. well, i can't really help you there. do you know if he likes you back?'' marina keeps breaking off pieces of the cookie to eat, it doesn't look like brendon minds at this point in time.

''i don't think he does. we tried to date before but it didn't work out. neither of us really felt anything, y'know? now... oh god, it hurts to see him with that guy. i know it's selfish of me to think that, but i really like him.''

marina nods and finishes the cookie she was taking pieces of, they're not that big. ''maybe you only like him because of the situation. it's happened to me before, i had a crush and when he changed his hair i stopped having the crush. it could be that.'' her words make sense. this whole crush thing began when the road trip started. it's only been about a week or so since then but oh boy has so much happened since they left columbus. could he really only be in this weird trance because of the trip? it really makes sense. he's never felt this way about anyone before. he's only felt this deeply about...well, josh. is it too late to say that at the beginning of their relationship, if you can even call it that, he was the happiest he's ever been? yeah, josh is practically his only source of happiness in this cold, dark world but that doesn't mean anything. lily means the same to him... of course in a different way but it's the same. same product, different presentation.

he doesn't love josh. he doesn't. he isn't in love with him. how crazy would that be? it's his best friend in the entire goddamn world, for pete's sake! it's practically a sin. his life isn't a movie, he's not gonna fall in love with josh and live happily ever after with him. no, the world doesn't work like that.

''could be, i don't know,'' is all he says after that inner monologue. he gulps and feels his hands shaking, his leg has been bouncing this whole time. he's feeling anxious about this. ''do i love him if he's all i can think about? if he's in my mind 24/7? if i would give up everything i own just to make him happy? if i would be willing to never be with him so he can be with the person he actually likes even if that means dying inside every day because i'm not with him? please say no because that damn question has been bothering me for a while now. please be honest. don't sugarcoat it or anything. give me the truth.''

the poor girl seems overwhelmed by the big dump of information. she takes a second to answer, thinking her words of choice carefully. "i'm pretty sure that means you do. that's what a person in love says. at least i think so," she pauses and purses her lips, "you should tell him. he deserves to know how you feel."

brendon can't help but laugh. "i've been told that before, but i can't, marina. i can't. you haven't seen how happy he is with that other guy. the only reason we're even here is because of that other guy. it's so stupid. if i tell him, he'll stop being my friend. he means a lot to me; we've been through everything together. i can't lose him." his expression turns deeply sad after those words leave his mouth. it's not even a joke. saying those words hurt him, and it's not even happening. how stupid.

marina nods, she puts his hand over his, holding it. she gives him a sympathetic smile, one of many smiles he's seen today, and begins to talk. "i know you'll know what to do in the moment. take a deep breath and relax. we're at a party with lots of people, you can distract yourself for now. have fun, live your life. if you don't wanna think about it for now, then don't. i won't judge you. your secret love is safe with me." she winks at him and it's all he needs to gather up the courage to do exactly as she says, enjoy the party.

"thank you. you're so sweet," he chuckles and squeezes her hand, "what would i've done without you?"

"probably eat that other cookie you took," marina chuckles and winks at him once again.

"yeah, probably."

* * *

at the other side of the party, josh is busy holding tyler's hand. they've left the living room and now they're in the small office next to the staircase. surprisingly no one was there before, so they have the room all to themselves. it's still weird being alone with each other. after all, they haven't really spent much time like this together. they sit on the small sofa, close enough to only have atoms between them. tyler rests his head on josh's shoulder, their fingers intertwined.

''sorry i didn't go to the bakery with you today. i was so exhausted,'' josh kisses the top of his crush's head, ''brendon looked really sad too, we needed to spend time together.''

''it's okay,'' the younger boy lies, grinding his teeth at the mention of 'the other one', ''it was a very boring day, you would've been really bored.'' he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket, maybe it's jenna checking in to see how he's doing. he grabs it from said pocket and sees that the person calling isn't jenna at all. it's awsten. ''oh no.''

''what is it?''

he cannot bare to look josh in the eye. he lets go of his hand stands up to walk around the office. he picks up the call and starts to bite his nails from his right hand out of pure nervousness. josh's now part of the background, all tyler can hear is his blood running through his veins. "hi, awsten," he gulps, speaking feels like taking a dagger and sticking it into josh's heart. he doesn't even need to turn around to see the hurting in his eyes.

" _hi! sorry i'm calling so late. mom wanted me to help her out with some stuff, but now i'm free to talk to you for as long as you can, babe._ " at this point awsten's voice is so unfamiliar. it hasn't even been that long since he left to spend the holiday with his family. with everything that's been happening...his presence is the last thing tyler has on his mind. so much for confessing his crush on him to the whole internet.

"don't worry. i was at work all day, _baby_. i couldn't talk anyway," he immediately regrets everything. he should've let the call go to voicemail. he should've just put his phone in silence. in the grand scheme of things, tyler's being dramatic. this is nothing but a mere speck in his life, but his feelings have overcome him. his poor 16 year old mind is overloaded with stuff. all he wishes he could do is teleport back home and hide under his bedsheets. yes, his old home, the one with his parents, the one he grew to despise so strongly yet he still aches to go back to it. jenna is his new home, but he can't help missing his old one. it's so familiar in this new phase of his life. something he wishes he could stop trying to get away from his life. it always comes back to him. his awful thoughts, his dreaded diary, his belongings...josh. oh god. josh. he turns around to see josh sitting completely still, his eyes wide open.

"you only called to say hi?" the words come automatically, tyler's brain doesn't process them, they come out on their own, "i'm kinda busy right now."

" _oh. alright. i can call you tomorrow,_ " awsten's voice sounds in pain. he sounds like he's trying to hide his true feelings. it's not effective since tyler can distinguish his tones.

josh stands up to leave the room, mostly to give tyler privacy to talk to his 'baby'. did he remember that tyler had someone else? honestly not really. does it matter? no. is he hurt? yes. did he expect any of this? definitely. he wants to find brendon and stick with him for the rest of the night, his best friend will be there for him.

before he can reach the door, tyler grabs his arm, getting his attention and stopping him from exiting. "i'll call you tomorrow, bye!" tyler speaks into the phone before ending the call, shoving his locked phone back in his pocket, "wait. i can explain."

"there's nothing to explain. you have that guy you went out with. i totally forgot about him. i shouldn't be getting in your way."

"what? no. we're not anything. we only went out once."

josh shakes his head and lets out a small laugh, "if you're nothing then why do you call him 'baby'?"

"it was a reflex. trust me, he means nothing romantic to me, really. i only like you, alright? do you really think i would be kissing you in my room if i liked someone else?" the younger boy lets go of his arm and gives him a sweet, puppy eyed look. it works like a charm since it melts his heart instantly.

"some people are into that." josh shrugs, crossing his arms in front of his chest and then changing to put his hands on his hips. he's not taller than tyler, the kid is almost surpassing him, but the little advantage in height he has is quite useful to watch him with a stern look on his face.

tyler rolls his eyes, "i'm not. i like you. not only as a friend. i liked you back in columbus but after...you know what...i stopped."

"and now?"

"i like you. you're as amazing as i remember. i can't really forgive you fully yet, but i like you."

as soon as those words are out in the world, josh leans in and kisses him. it's a short and sweet kiss, but it's exactly what they need. tyler kisses him back, his cheeks heating up and turning red. josh pulls away from the kiss and smiles so wide when he sees how cute his crush looks all flustered. the shade of red adorning his cheeks really suits him, it seems natural. "you wanna dance?" he nods towards the door, a grin now replacing the smile. the only song tyler can hear beyond the somewhat thin office walls is mariah carey's ' _all i want for christmas is you_ '. it's a strange choice of song to dance to, he nods regardless. they leave the office and join the crowd of people on the living room turned dance floor. they don't really know how to dance to the melody, but they move in whichever way they want. the people around them are drunk enough to not care about how they dance.

"i wish i could've taken you to winter formal," josh practically screams in tyler's ear. the music is too loud to talk normally.

"i doubt you would've wanted my boring self there with you. your friends are way too cool for me," tyler screams back.

"nah, they're a bunch of nerds. just because we play soccer and drink doesn't mean we're cool, ty."

someone bumps against tyler, pushing him forward to fall onto josh's arms. the older boy thankfully catches him, and they both look at who was responsible for it. to their surprise, it was a very drunk troye; his face is adorned with a smug smile, he winks before going off to grab more of the hot chocolate. the couple looks at each other and chuckle at the situation. coincidentally, the song changes to a very romantic one, a sweet melody taking over the room. josh grabs tyler by his hips, pulling him closer to his body but leaving enough space for them to not be smushed together. "do you mind this?" josh asks in tyler's ear, speaking lower since the music volume isn't as loud and vibrant as before.

"not at all," tyler smiles, his beautiful blushy cheeks making a comeback for god knows how many times tonight. he puts his arms around josh's neck, resting his head on his shoulder and letting go to fully listen to the song. he can hear the beating of josh's heart, it feels like it's drowning out the music.

the world seems to fade away into the nothingness. something feels just so right about this. it really does. it feels like it's always been meant to be. the songs keep going, somehow still staying within the romantic genre. if it suddenly changed to a pop song, they wouldn't care. it doesn't matter what the song on itself is, they want to stay like this forever.

they don't even notice how much time has passed until their feet start to ache. tyler looks over to a clock hanging on the wall, it reads 11:51 pm. when did time go by so quickly? they could swear it's only been 5 minutes at most since they started to dance. the two teens decide to get away from the intoxicated circle of teens and sit in the dining room, which's empty aside from empty red solo cups and messed up decorations.

"thank you for being here with me," tyler kisses josh's cheek, he didn't drink a drop of alcohol but he feels spacey and like he's floating.

josh kisses his forehead in return, "you don't have to thank me for anything." he pulls him in for a kiss, soft, tender and delicate. he gets caught off guard when tyler presses his lips against him harder, deepening the kiss. they don't pull away until a voice behind them scares them.

"what the fuck?!"

"brendon– what's wrong?" josh says in fear when he realizes that it's his friend who interrupted them.

brendon is standing next to a girl, she has her hand on his shoulder and looks just as distraught as he does. "no, i'm sorry, marina. i can't do it. fuck this," he exclaims and pushes the girl, presumably marina, out of the way a bit roughly before running out into the street.

"no. wait!" josh turns to tyler, "i'll be right back," before running off after his friend.

as the clock turns to read 11:59 pm, it feels like the night is just beginning. everything is going on too fast, yet as soon as josh reaches brendon and puts a hand on his back, that second lasted a lifetime.

"brendon, wait. what's wrong? are you okay?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cliffhanger oop


	66. december 21

"am i okay? am i okay?! are you seriously asking me if i'm okay?!" brendon screams, tears streaming down his face out of frustration. he turns around to face josh and puts his hands over his face. he doesn't want him to see him be this disheveled. both of them forgot their jackets inside the house, but the cold is the least of their problems. brendon only realizes he's out in a sweater and nothing else when the cold immediately freezes his tears and dries them up, his skin absorbing them to maintain moisture due to the harsh weather.

''what's wrong? why are you yelling at me? i don't understand. what happened?" josh tries to get closer or even just touch brendon for some sort of comfort, but the older of the two flinches and steps further away. his expression changes to a genuinely concerned one, his lips forming an upside down 'u', parting ever so slightly to speak again yet not doing so when his friend snaps back at him rather quickly.

"are you so clueless?! josh, open your goddamn eyes for once! i can't keep trying to spell it out for you!"

"spell it out for me?" josh murmurs to himself, looking away from brendon and back at him when he keeps on going with his seemingly furious rant.

"i seriously can't believe you! you drag me all the way from columbus to this hell hole just so you can make out with him while i wait for it to be over?! you're just dragging me around like i'm a lost puppy! i've been miserable this whole trip and i don't want to feel like that anymore! i'm done! i'm going home tomorrow with or without you!"

"what? what are you talking about?" josh backs away, he hasn't seen his best friend act like this before. it's so scary. he's never been scared of him. his favorite person in the world is yelling at him for practically being an idiot and he's frozen in place, unable to do anything but burst into tears. where did all of this anger come from?

"you know exactly what i'm talking about. you've been going out every day with him, leaving me all alone in that damn apartment, stuck with my own thoughts. for pete's sake, it seems like i only exist when you need someone to talk to about tyler! i'm more than just a prop for you to whine to about your stupid crush!" brendon's tears keep going, although they're just an accessory of his distressed state. he pulls at his hair in need to let out his anger in some physical way, not only by his words. all his brain can focus on is how he feels, he doesn't even notice how worried and utterly frightened josh is.

the two maintain some silence for a few seconds, they don't know what else to say. correction, brendon has a lot to say, but he wants josh to speak first to turn back his points with how things actually are outside his rom-com life. the door of the house is wide open, a couple people watching from afar, their minds fogged with the alcohol. tyler is nowhere to be seen, the same with marina.

"is that how you really feel?" the younger of the two manages to say in between low, soft sobs. he tries to wipe away his tears, his vision's becoming blurry. "you didn't have to come here with me."

"yes i did. you wouldn't have dared to come here on your own. if it weren't for me you wouldn't have gone outside your house in the first place. you can't drive for shit! you would've made me come anyway because you can't even do that!" brendon steps closer, their faces merely inches away from one another. their current energy is a total tone shift from not even 10 minutes ago. the soft, lovely atmosphere has been ripped apart with this wrathful, exasperated mood.

"bren... i... why are you saying this?! i thought you were happy for me! that's what friends are supposed to do! they're supposed to be happy for each other and not be bitter about being alone!" josh retaliates, his expression dramatically shifting to match brendon's, standing up straight enough to truly be face to face with him.

"well fucking excuse me for hating that my best friend is leaving me for some guy he barely knows! you've known him for what? two months? and you already wanna change your whole life just to be with him! you're insane!"

"look who's talking, you fucking depressed gold shitting freak!" josh snaps with such a force of rage he only comes back to his senses when brendon backs away, his face all shocked and disillusioned. he covers his mouth, wishing he could take back those words and put them in his mouth. it's too late now. he's poured lemon and salt on the open wound, making it sting more and blood keeps pouring out of it. "brendon... i, i didn't. i didn't mean that."

brendon keeps weeping, at a loss of any kind of explanation on why the person he trusted his life with the most has spoken so poorly of him. sure, he said some things he'd rather take back in this argument, but nothing as immensely hurtful as this. "so that's what i am to you, huh?" he sniffs, his nose frozen and runny from his crying and the weather, "a mentally ill freak you parade around just because i'm your rich friend? you know, i always thought you only were with me because it benefited you, but i kept telling myself that you weren't like that. ``no, my best friend wouldn't do that to me. he loves me and actually cares.`` i guess i was fucking wrong."

"no. listen please, that's not me," josh gets close enough to cup brendon's cheek and wipe some tears away before these evaporate into the cold.

surprisingly, the older of the two doesn't flinch or move at all. rather, he embraces it. being so touch starved for any type of connection will be the death of him, and this is just a small fraction of the downfall. "it sure does seem like it is that way," he whispers, giving into the familiar touch of his best friend. the people that were watching have given up on them making amends and closed the door. it's only the two of them outside now. still no sign of their former companions anywhere. the driveway is dimly lit by the house lights and the street lights, other than that it's just pure darkness with falling snow.

"brendon... i..." the younger boy begins to speak, his eyes shifting their sight between his friend's eyes and lips. his shaking breath rhythm makes his heart pump faster, his body is trying to keep some sort of warmth to not die in the cold.

"yeah?" brendon can feel what's coming next. he's practically been waiting for it all this time. he closes his eyes and awaits for impact. "what's wrong?"

"i..i think we should go inside. you're shaking, i'll make you some hot chocolate. i don't want you to get frostbite." josh pulls him into a hug, funny how people say that helps to create some warmth and doesn't let you lose heat so fast, because all of the short lived tension between the two has been smashed into a million pieces.

who knows what might've happened if josh didn't pull away and offered to go inside. it's too late to know now.

if it weren't for his current state, he can barely feel his fingers move at all, he would've gone back to yelling and left the house for good. all brendon manages to do is nod and let out a deep breath, this breath being able to be seen thanks to the harsh conditions. the pair go back inside, spencer and troye rushing over with blankets and hot drinks, without alcohol in them, to push the pneumonia away. they sit in the small office for what seems like forever but more realistically was 15 minutes getting their temperature back up.

brendon really thought that no one would care they spent so much time in the snow without anything other than a simple hoodie and jeans. there isn't a lot of conversation during this time, the two focus on drinking the hot chocolate and not dying. occasionally their eyes meet, but they quickly look away and blush in a mixture of shame and awkwardness.

the first one to speak ends up being josh, he really wants to make things somewhat right. "how's the hot chocolate?" he curses himself for not coming up with anything else, his brain can't think of anything else. he lets his eyes linger on brendon's face while he's looking away; he notices how his eyes are slightly teary, his nose turned an adorable shade of pinkish red, his hands are holding onto the mug as if he ever lets go he'd die. even after all that happened, his feelings of worry and care towards him haven't gone away or anything similar.

"it's alright, i like it better with marshmallows," brendon readjusts his position on the sofa, stopping from slouching over and instead sitting up straight.

"i know, you want me to ask if they have any?"

he shakes his head, taking a sip from the mug, and praying that he doesn't start to weep again. all of his feelings are mixed up and splattered across every single wall in his brain. he can't bare to look at this person who's caused him pain in the eye. on the other hand, it's josh. how can he ignore him? his very existence is his weakness.

"oh. okay."

"...thanks anyways."

josh gulps, a shaky breath escapes his lips, "anytime."

* * *

they keep their awkwardness up for the rest of the night, even though they only stay for 30 more minutes. the drunken people at the party, no matter how intoxicated, could feel the tension in the air. it's no surprise that the ride back home is dead silent. brendon and josh sit on the front, the younger of the two looking out the window to entertain himself with something while the oldest keeps his stare straight ahead.

meanwhile, tyler reappeared after they warmed up. he immediately gave josh a hug and asked if he was okay, ignoring brendon completely. he's sitting in the backseat, quiet and practically unnoticeable.

none of them speak for anything. when they arrive back at the apartment, it's like they've been out for ages. they especially feel this way when they see the entire kitchen so clean and organized. a very tired jenna lays on the pullout bed, a blanket over her to keep her warm. she sits up when tyler turns on the lights of the living room, the only light previously turned on being in the kitchen.

"oh hey," she yawns, stretching her arms to wake herself up, "how was the party?"

the three look at one another and mumble a low "it was alright" in unison. jenna tilts her head in confusion, getting up from the now guest bed, turning off the tv that was playing a rerun episode of _how i met your mother_ and heads to her room.

"well, if you feel like _actually_ telling me in the morning, that's fine by me. night, boys," she yawns once more and closes the door behind her. she looked really tired, maybe she would've even fallen asleep on the bed if they came back a bit later.

tyler goes to his room next, giving josh a silent look to join him so he can avoid having an awkward conversation with brendon about who gets the bed and who sleeps on the floor. the older boy doesn't seem to get the indirect and only smiles at him, "g'night, ty."

when he closes the door, josh gives brendon a glance, "i can sleep on the floor if you want me to. it's fine, i don't think it'll be–" he gets cut off by brendon before he can finish.

"i don't want you to sleep on the floor. you'll get sick. i may hate your guts right now, and want bad things to happen to you, but i don't want you to get sick, you dumbass," the taller of the two takes off his coat and proceeds to put on his pajamas, aka a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, "your mom will kill me if you get sick."

josh follows his lead shortly after, changing to his pajamas and getting in the bed when brendon does. they don't cuddle or even invade each other's personal space. once they've settled and are so ready to sleep the night away, josh begins to say, "i'm sorry about what i said, b. i don't think you're a depressed gold shitting freak."

"right." josh can practically tell brendon's rolling his eyes at him, even with the lights off.

"i mean it. you're my best friend, and if anyone is the freak in this relationship, it's me."

"sounds about right."

"so... friends?"

there's a pause before brendon replies. he takes a moment to think about it, although both of them know the answer as soon as the question is asked. "always." they scoot closer and do end up cuddling the cold away. it's so familiar, it's like tonight never happened in the first place.

"i'm still mad at you, by the way," brendon mutters before falling asleep on josh's arms.

"i know. i'm mad at me too." he says it with such pain in his voice, he's surprised how much he's affected by the fight. where would he even be without brendon?

it's safe to say that he'd be lost without the platonic love of his life. mind the 'platonic' part though. that's still a questionable term. for now at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl, i kinda went off with this chapter 
> 
> i originally didn't like how the fight turned out but now, i loved it. good job past me


	67. december 21 pt. 2

the general mood for the morning and afternoon has been quiet with lots of tension for some more flavor. mrs. smith gave the day off to both jenna and tyler, so the four of them are stuck in the apartment with no plans of going out. the weather got somehow worse than it was during the early hours of the morning, meaning that they can't really go anywhere unless they want to drive in pretty heavy snow. no coffee shops or chinese food, no spontaneous dates or escapades.

to maintain a balance and avoid being hermits all day long, jenna forced the boys to all get along and spend time with her. that's the only reason why they're now playing a very uneventful game of monopoly. they would've played another game, but jenna picked it out. everyone has a few properties, but no hotels yet. no one's even been to jail. "hey, you owe me 100 bucks," jenna tells josh, the property card on her hand as proof of her claim.

"no i don't," josh shakes his head, uninterested in the game aside from wanting to win against brendon, "i never landed on your space."

"you're literally on the property right now. those blue ones are hers," brendon says with a mouthful of cookies jenna baked last night before cleaning the kitchen. they were only at the party for 3 hours or so but she got a lot of things done on her master checklist.

"who's side are you on?" he nudges brendon on his side, an annoyed tone to his voice. he laughs it off shortly after, completely unaware of the fact that tyler didn't like that interaction very much. he doesn't notice how the 16 year old boy practically gives his best friend a death glare as he struggles to count 100 monopoly dollars with only $5 bills.

"there's no sides in capitalism, josh. only the 1% and everyone else," brendon explains after swallowing the cookie pieces without chocking due to laughter.

"that's still sides, you idiot."

the rest of the game keeps being uneventful until jenna manages to get a hotel in every property she owns and leaving brendon in bankruptcy. how did she manage to do that when competing against the child of an actual millionaire who knows business since he was born? your guess is as good as theirs. in all honesty, brendon doesn't care about winning the game. he's never had a taste for lavish lifestyles or hoarding money, which is the very existence of the game in a nutshell. he's happy seeing how josh smiles when he gets rent money from his hotels. he's stuck with being the bank, handing out money and managing the mortgages.

"give it up, just go bankrupt," he comments when tyler doesn't have enough money to pay jenna the rent of one of her hotels, "you don't have enough money for it."

"i do! just... ugh, look, i wanna mortgage these three," tyler says really angrily. he basically throws the small plastic hotels at brendon and doesn't get any happier when he gets his money. he immediately hands it over to jenna.

she smiles and kisses his cheek, "you know that it's just a game. it doesn't mean anything. you're still my favorite boy."

"what about me?" brendon acts all offended at the statement. he's just playing it up for laughs, or at least that's what it seems like to the others.

"c'mon, brendon. look at him, he's too adorable."

he can't help but roll his eyes and fake a short laugh to keep up appearances. ''fine," he mutters, his intentions and moods changing by the second.

josh rolls the dice and goes 4 spaces forward, sadly landing on tyler's property. he groans in utter frustration and gives him the 125 of rent. he barely has any money to survive the death walk he has in front of him, more commonly known as jenna's infinite hotel lineup. ''this game sucks. capitalism sucks. i hate this."

"you're just saying it because you're losing," jenna chuckles with a smug grin on her face.

"so? i know i'm right."

"i never said you were wrong."

* * *

the rest of the game goes pretty much as one would think it would go: jenna wins after getting making josh and tyler bankrupt in that order. she seems to be happy about it, after all, the boys can bond over losing. although no one really wanted to talk about the game after it lasted for more than 3 hours.

tyler decides to make dinner himself, his personal favorite way of making eggs, since jenna always does it. without missing a beat, josh volunteers to help out. any excuse to speak to him in private is more than welcome. while the two spend their time in the kitchen, jenna and brendon talk about the party.

"...i just can't believe he said that to me," brendon talks low so the drama is heard all over the small apartment, "we've fought before but never like this."

"hey, it's going to be okay," jenna puts her hand on brendon's shoulder, her warm and caring touch bringing him back to life, "you guys are best friends. nothing can break you apart."

brendon lets a hopeless breath go, his lungs feeling crushed by an invisible force that prevent him from breathing correctly. it's nothing he hasn't felt before for one reason or another, but it's not a nice thing to feel. "that's what i thought until..." he keeps quiet and throws a quick glance to the 16 year old cracking eggs in the kitchen.

it's needless to say that she knows what he means. "c'mon. friendship can always surpass anything."

"even this?"

without having anything else to say, jenna nods, a graceful smile adorning her face. "even this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is pretty uneventful chapter


	68. december 22

**2:52 am**

the clearing stood far.  
an army of tree trunks surrounding it.  
their leaves have fallen off their branches,  
leaving the skeletons of beautiful beings naked.

the smell of freshly cutten bark filled the air  
leading me to the clearing.   
bright shined my oh so dear moon,   
and there i stood, calling out to her asking,  
"why oh why is my forest barren?   
has a tragedy occurred? or have i let go of  
my very soul?"

she did not answer, her light shining quietly   
on what was left of my beloved forest.   
with her silence, i stood there angry at her.  
"how dare you not enlighten me?   
how dare you shine a light on my sadness without a second thought?"

out of the corner of my eye stood the shadow of a man. the moon made him contrast   
with the otherwise lit forest.  
he stood there, chopping at my cherished friends with a metal axe.  
i tried to move, but my feet were stuck on the ground.

he stopped and looked at me, an evil grin adorning his face.  
"why are you doing this?" i demanded,  
anger and confusion boiling in my veins.

he did not answer. he kept chopping away at my soul, my heart trembling with fear   
of what he might do next.  
all i can do is sit and watch as my brain  
cut away at my being.

\- tyler

* * *

"tyler? why are you up?" josh asks, his sleepy, raspy voice taking the younger boy by surprise. he slowly gets up from the pullout bed and walks to the kitchen, where a terrified tyler stands hugging a cereal box and his eyes linger on the dropped spoon.

"sorry i woke you up. i was working on a poem and got hungry."

"at 3 in the morning?"

"you've never had cereal at 3 am?" tyler tries to whisper so he doesn't wake neither jenna nor brendon up. to be honest, nothing can wake brendon up aside from josh and food, but that's not important. he continues to make himself the cereal bowl, putting the spoon that got dropped on the floor on the sink to wash later.

"i've had pizza and hot pockets. brendon always had something to eat when i slept over at his place," the older of the two chuckles, taking a look back at his sleep friend. he knows that things haven't gone back to normal, not completely at least. still, he has some kind of nostalgic feeling towards every little memory of brendon he has in his brain.

"oh. you slept over a lot?"

while tyler pours milk on the cereal, mentally prepares himself for utter heartache that feels so unfamiliar yet deserved at the same time. he can't escape it now.

"a bit. we've been friends forever, y'know? after games i slept over. on his birthday i slept over. on my birthday i slept over. whenever my parents went out i slept over, and whenever his parents went out i slept over. i guess i spent 80% of the year at his house."

a weird sensation took over tyler's stomach. the feeling like a blade was stuck on his torso, and it only kept going deeper as the seconds pass by. "huh. that's interesting.. you guys really have been together for a long time.. you haven't thought about going your own way?" he keeps taking spoonful after spoonful of cereal to keep his mouth occupied and not ruin everything by saying the wrong things.

"a few times. he's just been there all this time, it's weird for me to not have him around. honestly, if i stay here like mrs. smith asked me to, i doubt he'll come with me. he wants to leave ohio in general."

"do you?"

once again, josh takes a good look at his sleeping friend. his mind plays back the argument at the party. he knows brendon has a huge future ahead of him: he could inherit his dad's business and be a billionaire before he's 30, have a degree from harvard, a huge mansion and a high class wife/husband. when josh pictures his own future, he can barely see an apartment, big enough for a dog or two, and a semi-stable job. no matter how much they try to ignore it, their futures will eventually pull them apart.

how come the idea of it hasn't crossed his mind at all? brendon isn't just a puppy that'll follow him until the end of times. he's his own person, complete with thoughts and feelings of his own. it's all too much to handle right now. they technically have a year left to figure it all out, to plan their majors and pick their colleges. it's not a decision that'll affect their tomorrow. it still frightens the hell out of josh to know that his best friend in the whole wide world can be gone in just the blink of an eye.

"i don't know yet."

"i think you should stay." the bowl of cereal has been long forgotten now, tyler has his hand over josh's, holding it as if to bring comfort to the recently awakened boy. he hopes his words and his pleading eyes work on his favor.

"you think so?"

"i know so. to be honest, he hasn't been the greatest friend these past few days has he? maybe he wants to let go a bit too."

just like that, josh ate up every little lie. something about that smile, the way the smaller boy's eyes twisted his emotions... he cannot put into cohesive words. he's so close to the edge of the cliff, he can feel the gravity pushing him downwards to the abyss that is tyler's love and attention. the possibility of someone else also owning his heart seems nonexistent. oh how fast is he willing to give everything up. this is all he's wanted right? right? "he would've told me," his mind snaps away from that train of thought and lets the logic in, "we tell each other everything. he would've mentioned that he wants to leave."

"i think he did at the party, but you didn't notice."

josh shakes his head, a heavy sigh escaping his lips as he tries to choose his next words carefully. his brain begins to pick up on details. has he always been so blindsided? "he didn't. he said he was gonna leave me here, but he never said he wanted to _leave_ me."

"it's the same difference at the end of the day, josh. he wasn't really joking when he said it, right? everyone could tell he was serious, why would he be yelling at you in the middle of a snowstorm if he wasn't?"

the older boy remains speechless, he knows he's right. what went down the previous night wasn't a fluke. it's been building up for days... brendon hasn't been the same since they left columbus not even two weeks ago. something's changed, and he can't tell if it's for the best or for the worst.

"i don't want to be the one to tell you this, but you need to open your eyes. maybe all you have to do is see who your real friends are." tyler gives him a sympathetic smile before putting his now empty bowl of cereal on the sink, rinse some water on it and give josh a kiss on the cheek. he heads to his room, a hidden smirk as a sign of pride of his seemingly successful attempt at making his crush realize the truth.

once the door to the bedroom closes, josh turns off all the lights and heads back to the makeshift bed. he covers himself with the blankets and takes one last final good look at a sleeping brendon. he doesn't know what to do. what _can_ he even do? he doesn't notice when brendon scoots closer to him, perhaps for warmth rather than comfort. whichever it may be, it gets josh to truly see clearly now.

his rose colored glasses are broken, the pieces of the glass cutting deep into his cheeks, causing blood to run down his face as replacement tears. being naive is no longer an option, he truly cannot pretend he doesn't see what's happening.

for now all he can do is rest. after all, his screams could only wake up everyone from their slumber. he just wishes he could be able to dream too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're gonna pretend like the poetry was good for the sake of the book


	69. december 22 pt. 2

the snow seems to never have happened. the streets got cleared by the time they all woke up.

the apartment is empty aside from the fact that josh and brendon stayed. apparently the bakery was gonna be busy as all hell due to christmas being so soon, neither of them wanted to deal with that. they're both eating a stuffed crust pepperoni pizza because no food gives off christmas vibes like pizza.

"we should leave tomorrow," josh blurts out, causing brendon to come on the bite of pizza he just chew off.

"what? you're being serious?" he coughs and drinks water to swallow the pizza and not keep choking on it.

"why are you surprised? we promised my parents to be with them during christmas."

to be completely honest, brendon fully believed that josh would say he wanted to stay over christmas at youngstown. considering how weird josh's been acting today though, it makes sense in an equally weird way. "i... i guess we did. have you told tyler and jenna yet?"

"no. when they come back from the bakery i will. i don't want to make it a big deal."

the sound of the tv is purely background noise, a white noise machine as they keep talking. sure, they comment on what the people in the show are saying and how dumb it is, but that's only 5% of the conversation. "let me guess, we'll come back for spring break. i'm letting you know that pete and i have plans for a big party in—"

"we're not," josh simply says. he has no clear expression on his face as he speaks. he seems like a blank page on a book, waiting to be full of words that help it make sense. the talk he had with tyler in the morning did nothing but make things worse in his head. the days were all he cared about was soccer and hanging out with his friends. time keeps bringing more and more changes to his life.

what is he even supposed to tell tyler? he's choosing to leave him after all this time he worked on getting close to him again? his past self would call him insane. it's not even been a quarter of a year yet it feels like it's been years since he first found that diary. that damn diary. what would his life even be like if he'd never found it? he genuinely can't picture it.

"i like tyler a lot, i really do, but i can't be with him if he's 4 hours away from me. long distance relationships don't work. it'd be easier if he was closer. i want to tell him to come with us, maybe he can live on his own in columbus and not here. maybe he can live with a relative, there can be arrangements so he doesn't have to go back to his parents..."

"josh, you do realize how insane you're sounding? tyler left columbus for a reason."

"he left because of me. he actually left because of me. but we're good now! i could be the reason he comes back."

brendon takes the tv remote and turns it off, the sound of the people in the show making it hard to think. "that's not how any of this works! he won't come back! he won't do whatever you say because he's your little boyfriend now. where would he even live? will he go back to school with us? is he gonna have his past life back? it can't work out. you need to understand that."

"no, _you_ need to understand, brendon. things can work out. he _can_ have a normal life, he deserves one." josh puts his pizza aside, getting all of his attention on the subject matter. he was getting full anyway.

the oldest of the two can't comprehend what's going on in his friend's head. it's like he's getting all of these ideas out of nowhere and hoping they make sense when stitched together to make a barely mediocre argument. "why are you saying all of this?"

"he's the love of my life."

"no. you need to understand that no matter how much you try, he won't go back. he won't! he won't go back just to complete your stupid high school fairy tale. you need to grow the hell up, for fuck's sake! you won't die just because he lives a few towns over. you won't die if you don't end up with him," he takes his hand, mimicking the way tyler took his in the morning when they talked. it's such an intimate touch, it takes josh aback since brendon never does this unless it's desperate times.

he keeps talking, making eye contact with pure hope behind his eyes, "josh, i've always been there for you. you know that i'll support you in whatever you ask me to. i _know_ you know this isn't the end of the world. are you really that desperate for any new, better connection that you want to replace me with some 16 year old kid that you don't know a thing about?"

"brendon–" josh can't finish this sentence, he really doesn't know what to say. he's been left speechless all day long.

"listen to me, josh. he may be the love of your life or whatever the fuck you want him to be, but there is no way in hell that he's worth all of this. look at us! we're in fucking youngstown! i didn't even know this city existed! we risked a lot coming here and you don't even know if it's worth it!"

"he's worth it. i know it. i want to be with him, brendon. if you say that your always on my side, can you please believe in me? please?" his pleading eyes and trembling hands really sell his desperation. he wants all of this to be over. he just needs to have his crush and his best friend. by the looks of it, who knows if he'll have either of them by the end of all of this.

brendon nods, his heart hurts from seeing him like this. deep down, he knows josh is only on the honeymoon phase. he sees everything through rose colored glasses, but he can't bring himself to take them off and break them apart. they hug, both trying a bit too hard not to cry for no apparent reason.

"let's finish eating, okay? we'll start packing up later so we can leave early tomorrow." the hug is over and each of them grabs a slice of pizza to keep eating.

"okay. thank you, by the way."

"for what?"

"dealing with my annoying self," josh says with a big smile.

brendon chuckles, "if i didn't do it, who would?" 


	70. december 23

tyler and jenna got back quite late from the bakery. with the holidays coming closer and closer, the place is full of costumers all the time. they took care of orders for the next day, just to save time in the morning.

when they got home, they ate a few slices of the pizza and that was it. there's not much noise or movement in the apartment, specially since brendon went to bed early to have energy for the road. jenna also went to bed relatively quickly. having to be preparing the same batch of cookies for more than 8 hours straight is definitely not a day at the spa.

tyler and josh are in the bedroom, mostly just enjoying each other's company until they fall asleep. they're on their phones, each one checking different stuff for entertainment.

"i'm gonna go get some water. do you want anything?" josh mentions as he gets up from the bed, putting his phone in his hoodie pocket to have both of his hands free.

the younger boy shakes his head, "no. 'm good." he doesn't take his eyes away from his phone to answer. he keeps mindlessly scrolling through tons and tons of posts on his timeline when the screen freezes for a second before displaying a call.

the contact picture, a selfie of a boy with sunglasses misplaced on his face, in collaboration with the name freaks him out. why is he calling so late? it's way past 2 am. tyler accepts the call and puts the phone up to his ear; normally he would use speaker phone, but it's too late for that. "uh," he clears his throat, "why are you up so late?"

" _well hello to you too, ty,_ " awsten laughs on the other end of the line, " _it's barely midnight here. i'm not going to bed in a while. mom's making me wrap last minute presents. why are you up, buttercup?_ "

he can't help his cheeks take a faint red blush at awsten's sweet voice and words. "can't sleep. i had a long day at the bakery."

" _wouldn't that make you tired enough to sleep?_ "

"apparently not," tyler looks at the closed bedroom door, the light from the kitchen coming through the small cracks on the bottom of said door. he remembers he's not alone. on the contrary, he's very much in company of someone. a certain someone who if awsten were to find out about, and the things they do, god knows what hell on earth might unleash. "why did you call? you just want company while you wrap presents?"

" _not really. i'll watch a movie while i do it. i called to invite you to spend new years with me. my family's gonna go out to my dad's friends' house, so i'll practically have the house to myself. i'm gonna invite a few people over but we can be together. maybe we can pull off a few new years eve traditions._ "

the invitation sounds very promising, tyler's been dreaming of spending a holiday with someone special for so long. "i'd love to _,_ " he cuts himself off, he can feel his throat turning into a knot before speaking again, "listen, i need to tell you some–."

" _really? oh thank god. i thought you were gonna say no._ "

"why would i say no?" he gets up from the bed, his eyes looking out the small window.

" _i had the feeling that you stopped liking me._ "

the answer hurts him. tyler knows he's been a royal mess by not even remembering that awsten existed. his mind has been so focused on josh that he forgot about everyone else. how could he be such an awful person? there was a moment when he couldn't even go a moment without awsten interrupting his thoughts. all the things he told him now seem meaningless. he wasn't his first crush, not by a long shot, he wasn't the reason he realized his sexuality, he wasn't gonna be his first kiss...

"i still like you. we're gonna spend new years eve together, okay? you don't have to invite other people to not make me uncomfortable. it can just be us, a date."

" _okay. it's a date. i'm gonna go, mom will kill me if i don't wrap the presents. goodnight, darlin'._ " he can practically hear the smile in awsten's face. the things he would give to see it...

"goodnight, babe." the call cuts off and he lets go a deep breath, his lips forming a lovesick smile due to the image of awsten just existing, and calling him darling too. he turns around to a heartbreaking thing.

josh stands in the doorway, a glass of water in his hand and tearful eyes. his hurtful gaze stabbing tyler in the chest with the force of a thousand arrowheads traveling at the speed of light. "who was that?" he says, trying his hardest to hold himself together. why does he want to cry? he shouldn't. he can't. he knew that tyler had somebody else in his life before. if anyone is the homewrecker, it's him.

"josh..." tyler puts his phone down on the bed, his eyes staring at the floor in shame, "awsten called me. he's... he's the guy that i was dating before you came here."

"oh. i'm guessing he invited you on a date."

"he did. and i said yes."

"i heard," he takes an awkward look at himself on the reflection of the water, "you still like him. of course you do. he's the one you actually like."

tyler takes a few steps forward, coming closer to the older boy. he doesn't know what to do. "are you serious? you think i don't like you? josh, i've liked you ever since i first saw you, for god's sake."

"and?" his hands tremble. he puts the glass on the dresser so it doesn't slip from his fingers and crashes on the floor.

"just because i started to like him more recently, doesn't mean i don't like you anymore. if you only knew how much time i spent thinking about you. oh wait, you do know."

"you're really bringing up your diary again? jesus, tyler! i already said i was goddamn sorry for that. and that was past you anyway. that was before you left and changed."

tyler takes a step back; his eyes keep trying to avoid making direct contact with josh's. why did he bring up the diary? "changed? did you want me to still be that scared little shit that you met? news flash! people can change! i can change! you haven't changed at all! you're still that guy that was too scared to give me back my journal and tell me that you liked me. you're just a fucking p–"

"because i didn't want to ruin things with you! you were practically made of glass, ty. you barely wanted to be close to me. i was afraid to drop you and cause something to happen."

both look at each other for a moment, unsure of where the conversation might go next. josh takes a quick glance at the phone on the bed, the screen lit up with notifications, "i really liked you. i still do, but i don't want to get in between you and that guy."

"i don't even know if things will work out with him," tyler sighs, a small smile forming on his lips as a reflex of the thought of awsten. he shakes his head and takes josh's hand in his. "you're always in the back of my mind, y'know? even though i hated your guts, you were the one who kept me going when i ran away. the thought of going back and running to your arms, of..."

"of?"

"kissing you. i felt like a dumbass for not doing it before i left. i wished i did it at least once. goddamn," he sniffs, his memories of the harsh times he had to endure when he left the place he called home flash in his mind, "i wanted to call you and beg you to come for me. but then i found spencer and troye and jenna; they helped me feel better. i still missed you all the time." his eyes are now glazed with tears, making him look more vulnerable and achieve the ultimate puppy eyes.

prompted by his words and his overall look, josh leans in and presses his lips to his. the kiss is a short and tender one, a weak taste of salty tears coming from both of them joining in. tyler rests his head on josh's shoulder. he puts his arms around the taller boy and takes a deep breath. he wants to stay like this forever. he's gotten everything he's wanted for so long; he's being held by his first love, a wave of calm washing over him. suddenly everything feels like it's gonna be okay. 

"i missed you all the time too. i never stopped thinking about you... do you think you could ever go back to columbus?" josh mutters, his arms wrapping around the young boy.

"dunno. i can't go back to my parents, and i don't think anyone wants me back besides you. i'm happy here. jenna and spencer's mom are good to me, i'm doing well in online school, i have a few friends. it's all i've wanted except for you."

"have you told your parents that you're here? aren't they still your legal guardians?"

"jenna called them a week in of me being with her. they're gonna settle that case with her next year i think. i don't know much about that, i could be lying to you," tyler explains, his eyes have dried up his tears, "i'm sorry. i know you want me back but i can't."

the tiredness is starting to affect josh. he feels so exhausted from a talk heavy day. he just wants to sleep next to the most important person in his life and forget the rest. they move to sit on the bed. the phone is still lighting up with notifications from awsten's spam texts, probably from the movie he chose to watch, and tumblr users reblogging poetry posts. josh presses a kiss to tyler's temple, continuing the sweetness until he's out, "you should be with the other guy, ty. no matter how hard we try, i don't think we can work out being so far apart. we live different lives now. i can't catch up to your life and you can't catch up with mine. even if i come to visit every weekend it'll be impossible."

"what? josh, no, no. is it because of the journal thing? i promise i'm not mad about it anymore."

josh shakes his head, an infatuated smile on his face that matches his tearful eyes. he places kisses all over tyler's face, his favorite boy, his precious boy. he's the boy of the yellow flowers, the mysterious journal person, the guy who'll always own a piece of his heart.

"it's not that. we'll go in separate directions eventually, you'll be a famous poetry author and i'll be doing my own thing. you deserve to live your own life with nothing holding you back, and if that's me, i'm willing to let you go. i adore you, tyler, but you deserve to be with a guy that'll be there for you through everything. he sounds like a really great guy, by the way."

the tears are back, taking over tyler's eyes and making his vision blurry. he hugs josh so tight, "so this is it?"

"i think so," he leans in for another kiss, this one being saltier thanks to the tears cascading down the sophmore's cheeks, "hey, i'll always be a phone call away if he hurts your heart. maybe one day we'll meet again and get together for good, maybe we'll be friends forever."

tyler lets out a quiet sob. he feels so foolish for crying. "you promise?"

"i promise."

after a few more kisses and drying up the tears, they feel good enough to let go of each other. they've lost track of time. it truly feels like time stopped on its tracks just for them. josh drinks the glass of water he brought ages ago and leaves it back in the kitchen sink. he comes back to say goodnight to his forever crush, still trying to convince himself that his decision was the best option for them. at least it's what he keeps telling himself.

"can you sleep with me tonight?" tyler asks, his hands fidgeting with the hem of the blankets.

josh nods and smiles, for the millionth time today, "of course." he knows this is a form of saying goodbye. he wishes time kept being still to never leave. he gets in the bed with tyler, each one on their respective side of the bed.

they drift off to sleep happily, knowing that no matter what they'll always find each other. josh's brain already came up with some ideas to keep the contact afloat, but the mere presence of tyler sleeping so soundly next to him makes him appreciate the now and worry about the future later.

he needs his rest, after all, it's gonna be a long day on the journey back home. and god knows he's gonna need lots of rest for what's to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, while writing this chapter i cried. it's the first time i've cried to my own writing. it was only a few tears but still!! that's how invested i am on this book!!
> 
> idk if i managed to sway you guys back on the joshler side but i know i want joshler to be endgame now. i'm falling in love with joshler again


	71. december 23 pt. 2

"do you want milk and sugar with that?" jenna asks, her gaze barely going over her shoulder to where josh is making breakfast sandwiches on the stove. she has a coffee pot on her hand, half of it gone from filling two cups with it. she's not one to take coffee right after she wakes up but a two shift day at work needs every last ounce of energy she can humanly give.

"yeah. two sugars and a bit of milk, please and thank you," the suddenly turned chef josh replies. he takes a mental note to remember the recipe since the sandwiches smell amazing and probably taste amazing too.

it's the dawn of the last day. not dawn since it's 8:37 am, but you get the idea. brendon and tyler are still asleep, somehow not being woken up by the kitchen sounds. it's a weird thing to just see jenna and josh hanging out alone. they're not exactly a compatible paring. still, food brings people together.

"so, did you and tyler talk things out?" she asks while setting the cups on the small dining table.

"i guess. we yelled at each other for a bit, but made peace at the end. it's going to hurt like hell to leave him."

jenna sighs and chooses to be a good person for this situation. she's been hostile towards the poor kid in the past, now it seems foolish of her to behave that way. "i think it's for the best, josh. you two need time apart to grow and discover yourselves."

with a simple scoff, josh shakes his head and turns off the stove. he puts the sandwiches on the plates and joins jenna on the dining table. "he's changed enough already. i can't imagine how much he'll change in the time it takes for us to find each other again."

"not to burst your bubble but you can't be sure if you'll meet each other again. that's not important, anyway, you can't speak for the way he is, y'know? when i met him, he only had 50 bucks for food, water and shelter, with nothing but two backpacks full of his things. i don't even know where he'd been sleeping before then, probably the bus station. he had to harden up to survive. i'm not saying this because i'm his friend, it's because people change to adapt to the challenges they face. he was all alone in the world for the first time. you probably would've done the same."

he takes bites out of his sandwich while jenna drinks her coffee. "he still could be the tyler i met, with the change and all. what about his parents, by the way? are you gonna tell me that changed him too?"

"if you're so curious, they know he's here. they even offered me guardianship of him a few weeks ago."

"what?"

the burden of knowing the truth has been a heavy weight on her shoulders. tyler doesn't know more than he's told by the lawyer that knocked at their doorstep less than a month ago. "they're still his parents, but they want me to have guardianship of him. i'll take care of him and be his legal guardian. it's not like having full custody of him, but it's close. i'll try to ask for custody if things go south. they don't want anything to do with him anymore though. they're even sending the rest of his things over once the guardianship thing is official."

"oh... does he know?"

she shakes her head. it hurts not being able to tell tyler the full story, even if he probably knows deep down already more than he leads on. "he knows i'll be his guardian, but not the other thing. his parents are the ones organizing the whole thing, they notified us the week after he moved in with me."

the sandwich on josh's plate is gone. he ate it all in practically one bite. his attention now has only his untouched coffee in mind. "i still think he changed for the worse." he takes a sip of the hot drink, getting his tongue burnt of just enough for it to be annoying.

"change isn't always for the best."

as much as he hates to admit it, jenna's right. he has no right to demand tyler to still be that scared boy he met. nevertheless, something deep within him wishes he still was.

* * *

brendon puts the last of the luggage on the back of the car, shutting it close and preparing himself for the long drive home that awaited them. he said his goodbyes to tyler, if you can even call it that, already. he only has to part ways with jenna. it's harder than he thought it would be.

"thanks for dealing with us for these past few days," he says with a genuine smile.

"i didn't really have a choice," jenna replies while laughing at her own joke, "be careful on the road and think about what we talked about."

he has a perplexed look on his face until he remembers the dreaded talk. "i'll see when the right time comes."

"alright, i hope everything goes well. take care for god's sake, i mean it." the two share a hug, a 'we're good friends now' kind of hug. jenna really helped him out a lot. who know what could've happened during the trip if she hadn't been there.

"take care of josh too. he needs a good friend like you to keep him sane."

"he's the one keeping _me_ sane, but i will."

* * *

tyler and josh are holding hands as they watch people drive by the apartment complex. their two companions are talking near the car, while they are a bit further away as to say their goodbyes.

"this is it, huh?" tyler sighs, "i'm glad you came to find me. i needed to see you one last time."

"c'mon. you're saying it as if one of us will die. that's kinda morbid. i know we'll meet again someday. we don't even live that far away from each other anyway, maybe i will visit." as much as he'd like to put a positive spin on things, josh knows that things will never be the same the moment he gets into the car. for all he knows, the next time they see each other tyler could be married to a wealthy foreigner with 2 kids. this isn't how he envisioned his high school romance to end.

tyler turns to face him, the cold already turned his nose a beautiful shade of pink, "you know that i'll always say you're my first love, right? you made me feel things i never knew i would feel before. i'm sorry if i came off as a manipulative bitch. i didn't appreciate you while i had you before. you'll forever own my heart, joshua."

"and you'll forever own mine. whenever i see yellow flowers i'll think of you."

the pair has tears in their eyes, the departure is much more emotional than they anticipated. the younger boy reaches into his coat pocket, taking out a forest green journal with the edges of the pages sprayed with a beautiful daisy yellow. it looks practically identical to the journal that began this entire odyssey, from the beginning when josh found it to right now.

josh takes it and opens it, a few yellow flowers pressed into the pages to keep them as mementos. "what is this?" he removes the flowers delicately so he won't ruin them, and behind them a message was written in tyler's handwriting.

**_josh;_ **   
**_i hope this helps you like you helped me._ **   
**_thank you, for everything._ **   
**_with love, tyler._ **

**_p.s.: i saved the flowers you gave me._ **   
**_hope they serve as a bookmark._ **

"you never know when you need to pour your feelings out into a page. i was going to use it for myself, but i think you're a better home for it. i still have a few pages left on mine. maybe you'll need your own 'will' one day."

the taller boy puts back the flowers into the journal and closes it. he has no words to describe how much it means to him. "t-thank you. i'll only write on here from now on. i never got to ask you, why 'will'?"

"as in 'will to live', duh. it's not that creative but i'm stuck with it now. and i should be thanking _you_. god knows i'd be dead in a ditch if it weren't for you," tyler kisses his cheek, which only results in josh pulling him in for a deep kiss. it's somehow more meaningful and tender than any other they've shared. the world seems to have stopped for a second. nothing else matters but them, right here, right now.

when they pull apart, the world comes back to normal. josh holds the notebook close to his heart and gives tyler one last kiss on the forehead, the cheek, the nose and last, but definitely not least, his lips. short and sweet. "i really like you, tyler joseph."

"i think i like you more, josh dun." they hold hands as they walk to the car together. it seems so weird that tomorrow's christmas eve. time flew by all of them.

josh puts the notebook in his backpack where they have most of the snacks for the road, he'll keep it safe there. "thanks for taking care of us, jenna," he hugs her, truly being sincere.

"it's alright. you weren't such a pest after all," she ruffles up his hair, making his brown messy curls more of a mess, "take care of each other, and keep in touch."

"we will," the two best friends reply in unison.

after a few last goodbyes, brendon and josh are on the road back home. josh looks out the window, the apartment and his two hosts getting further and further away. he sees the notebook poking out of his backpack, a beautiful memory of this trip. he'll never forget it.

he takes a look at brendon, "ready to sleep on your bed again?"

"god yes! i miss it more than i thought i would," his best friend chuckles, "did you declare your eternal love for him?"

"no." josh takes his phone and finds a playlist to set the mood for the next few hours. he knows it'll be a long 3 hours back, a song or two might help not going crazy.

"what?! why not?!"

"sometimes when you love something, you have to let it go. if it's yours, it'll come back."

"come on! so this trip was for nothing?"

the first few notes of the 1975's _love me_ play over the speaker, perfectly timed. "not nothing. we got to eat those amazing pastries and go to a senior party."

"that's just another friday night for us, j. you're killing me here."

josh dances to the music, or as best he can for the small space he's in right now. not even a minute passes before brendon joins him, singing along with the lyrics as well. it's just the type of energy they needed. the way back to columbus could be a complete disaster. it's only 9 am, so they have enough time to get back before the sun even goes down.

with youngstown behind them, they truly feel like everything that happened in the last week or so was like a long fever dream. they needed a change of pace, a new horizon to explore. each one wanted to find something, and they did. of course, one is happier with the result than the other, but their friendship is all they need to go forward.

* * *

"hurry up! we have to be at the bakery in 10 minutes!" jenna tells tyler all the way from the kitchen to his room.

"i'm going! i just need my charger!" he screams back. he takes it from his nightstand and stops when a bright yelllow object calls his attention. a small arrangement of gorgeous sunflowers sits on his bed, a note attached to them.

**_to: my yellow flower boy_ **   
**_from: j.w.d._ **

"are you ready?" jenna's standing on the doorway, ready to go to work any moment now.

"yeah. can we get some water for these?" he grabs the bouquet and shows it to her, the biggest, purest smile on his face. she nods, her heart warming up to how adorable tyler's reaction is. they put the flowers in some water and leave for work.

today's gonna be a busy day, but no matter what happens, tyler's smile is going nowhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope my explanation helped answer questions as to why tyler's parents haven't gone for him yet


	72. december 24

"we left in the morning, brendon, how the hell are we still not there?" josh groans in disbelief, staring out his window with his unfinished coffee warming up his hands. there is snow everywhere he looks. well, at least what he can see since it's a few minutes past midnight and the road is dark aside from the passing car lights and the occasional gas station.

brendon rolls his eyes, the low beats of the music maintaining him focused on driving. they've cycled around all of the playlists, from the upbeat ones to the sad ones. it's a miracle since there's one for every occasion, brendon even has one for when he's eating a cake on valentine's day. doesn't sound so specific, but it is. "sorry for not being able to control the weather! it's not my fault it started snowing so much."

"i knew we shouldn't have stopped for coffee."

"you're still drinking it, and you know we would've been stopped by a cop or something anyway."

the duo has ran out of things to talk about other than having micro fights to pass the time. it's like they've run dry of all their creativity to come up with any substantial words or topics. music is also starting to become irritating, slowly but surely. an idea materializes itself in josh's tired mind. it's not a very interesting idea, but he'll take anything other than getting a headache from seeing so much snow.

"do you wanna play something?" he asks, his fingers playing with the coffee cup lid.

"i guess. which game? if you say 20 questions, i'll punch you."

"why?"

brendon looks at his friend in the eye, his tone a mixture of playful and serious, "that game always ends up in someone asking someone else to get naked."

"ew, gross. i would never ask you to get naked. it'd be like seeing jordan naked. i was thinking of playing truth or dare. we can't really do the dares though..."

"so we're doing only truths? you already know every about me, dude. what else is there to find out?"

josh shrugs. he really has nothing else to bring to the metaphorical table. "it'll be fun, okay? i'll start. would you rather kiss dallon or have sex with pete?"

the questions catches the poor brendon with his guard down. he expected a really mild question, maybe even a boring one, since the game can't function without doing the dares. he was proven wrong, by a long shot. "uhh... i think have sex with pete. dallon is a sloppy kisser, hate that. besides, we've seen pete's dick before. not bad if i do say so myself."

"fair, i had that memory blocked out. thanks for reminding me." josh doesn't even bother asking him how he knows dallon isn't the best kisses. the things his friends gets into whenever he's not around are questionable at best.

with proud and mischievous smile, brendon pats his friend's knee. "you're welcome. my turn. did you steal my isabelle amiibo?"

"what? the animal crossing one? no, jon took it. i don't even have anywhere to use it. he'll probably give it back. that was a boring question. have you wet the bed?"

"a few times when i was little. the nightmares i used to have scared me that bad. would you rather make out with ryan or with me?" brendon tries to not seem really interested in knowing the answer. on the outside, he's as cool as the snow. on the inside, his heartbeat is faster than anything on earth.

"make out with my best defense or my best friend? that's a tough one. i guess it's you. ryan's great but i already know how you kiss so it's more of a familiar thing. you're not a bad kisser at all, says me when i've only really kissed you and tyler. did you pick this question because you wanted me to boost your ego?"

"we'll never know. your turn."

* * *

lily opens the front door to the mansion, the two freezing teenagers standing on the other side. she ushers them in and closes the door behind them. they drop their luggage on the base of the grand staircase. it's good to see a familiar place after so long.

"dear lord, boys. you must be so cold! let me turn up the heat," she goes to the air conditioning panel in the hallway and changes the temperature. it's only by a few degrees but it'll make a difference. "why are you coming back so late? was it the snow storm?"

brendon nods, taking off his jacket and putting it on the coat closet next to the front door. "we stayed in a starbucks for like 5 hours and then got stuck at a wendy's for another 5. i don't even know how we got here before christmas."

"i'm glad you're here. i was really starting to worry. do you boys want anything to eat? some hot cocoa?"

"we just wanna go to bed, it's been a long day," josh yawns, adding his own jacket to the coat closet. the coffee he drank with jenna has worn off entirely.

lily nods and kisses each of them in the forehead, "don't stay up doing nonsense. rest, you need it." she heads to the guest bedroom she's been sleeping in, her former bedroom to be exact.

the two friends take their things and go upstairs to brendon's room. they shut the door close behind them and head straight for the bed. they only change to a bit more comfortable clothes, namely exchanging their jeans for sweatpants and their long sleeved shirts for baggy t-shirts. brendon doesn't have to invite josh to sleep in the bed with him rather than the floor or his sofa. the bed is big enough to have them both on it.

josh gets closer to brendon, immediately resuming the position they've shared forever. somehow it feels more intimate than before. maybe it's because of the game of truth or dare. they look into each other's eyes for a moment. it's so entrancing, the low light coming from the lamppost in the street is enough to see the other's face.

"brendon?" josh's breathing is short and heavy, raspy and has something that makes brendon's hair stand up with just hearing it.

"y-yeah?" brendon starts to panic. what does he want to say? does he want to kiss him? is he doing to confess his love for him? is he going to make out with him? the game changed things between them. who could know a middle school game could do this?

"we forgot to buy presents." the panic shatters, but a new one takes its place right away.

"shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> josh and brendon's friendship is my favorite thing about this book


	73. december 24 pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one left, y'all. it's a big one

will;

it's been a while since i've written on you. so much has happened. i can only summarize it by saying that i fell back in love? josh came to look for me here and we spent a lot of time together. i'm still a little mad at him for kidnapping you and never telling me about it, but i can't help to smile whenever i think of him.

i know, i know. what about awsten?

i still like him. he's so sweet and kind. he's the perfect guy, but i don't know if i deserve him. that's not the sadness talking, by the way. he's done so many good things for me and always texts me to know how i'm doing..

meanwhile, i'm kissing josh and not telling him about it.

i suck. i really suck. i'm a level below actual garbage.

the guilt of not telling awsten about josh is eating me alive the more i think about it. when he comes back i'll confess to him. and i will tell him that i really like him. is that a bad move? i'll have to ask jenna. i want a chance with him, he could be my happy ending..?

saying goodbye to josh still hurts. i finally had him back y'know? i guess it's best for us to keep on with our lives; i'll try to message him once in a while.

i'm gonna go, jenna wants help with christmas dinner. don't know why she's cooking it already but oh well.

let's hope this isn't my last entry in a while. i missed you, old friend.

t.r.j.

* * *

people usually say that buying presents the day before christmas is the worst thing you can ever do and they're right. the stores are full with big crowds, everyone trying to get last minute presents or get some type of sale.

josh has entered a panic mode. he has ideas for gifts, the issue is the money. he can get jordan a video game, but who knows how expensive it'll be. he can get his mom and ashley some makeup, but he doesn't know how much those palettes they like cost. he can get his dad a new tool box to replace the one he has, but... no that's probably the cheapest option. either way, anything he has in mind will cost him at least more than $200, which is an exaggeration since he only has $57 on him, the rest on his debit card.

"dude, i can pay for the gifts. calm down," brendon puts a hand on josh's shoulder to bring him back from his spiraling thoughts. they really pass around the panic like it's a hot potato.

"no. i already owe you enough for the trip. i can't repay you both."

 _i mean, there_ is _a way,_ brendon thinks to himself. he immediately regrets it. this is josh for god's sake! he actually has feelings for him, or at least that's what he still thinks. is having your heart beat faster than a hummingbird's whenever he even looks in your direction the same as being utterly infatuated by someone? "fine. we can buy it together and say it's a joint gift. people do that."

"couples do that. we're not a couple," josh jokes, he's being a bit serious too. he knows his family will think that brendon and him are an item if the tags on the presents read ' ** _from: josh & brendon _**'. he doesn't mind being coupled with him by his friends, it's standard procedure, but his family will never let it go. he doesn't want his friendship with him to be ruined.

if he only knew.

"alright then, have fun going empty handed, dude," the older of the two walks away, heading to the sephora across the mall. before he can give two steps forward, josh sighs in defeat.

"you win, let's get the presents... together."

"you're making me blush, joshua," brendon winks at him and laughs. he puts his arm around his friend and they walk inside the gamestop to get the first present.

"shut up. you're so annoying, how am i your friend?" josh rolls his eyes, he takes the arm off his shoulders and starts to look for the game jordan mentioned to him weeks ago.

brendon shrugs, the smug smile never leaving his lips. "i ask myself the same thing. i think it's because we're meant to be together, dude."

"forever and always, huh?"

"i guess. now let's get these damn presents before the stores close."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to include more stuff in this chapter but it felt too drawn out so, it's a short one like the first chapters
> 
> i'm an astrology slut now so i looked up how compatible aries (brendon) and geminis (josh) are and i'm dying at the results, apparently they're an amazing match. the 'sex' section has me in tears


	74. december 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready

"mom! we're home!" josh yells as soon as brendon and him cross the front door. he's lucky he took his copy of the house keys to brendon's house, otherwise they would've to wait for someone to open the door in the disgusting cold outside.

the two friends are carrying bags with the beautifully wrapped presents, lily did that for them, and homemade cinnamon rolls, also made by lily. ashley runs to hug them, her hands dirty with flour and applesauce, "you jerk! why didn't you tell me you were bringing dessert? i've been slaving away trying to make one."

"uh, merry christmas to you too, ash?" brendon says with a hurtful tone.

"i've been trying to make a pie but jordan isn't being helpful at all," she rolls her eyes and points to the busy kitchen space.

"i'm trying to help! i didn't know you needed sugar for the applesauce!" jordan objects, his face covered in flour, applesauce and butter. they follow ashley to the kitchen, leaving their presents under the tree next to the rest. josh's mom is chopping off some potatoes, while the youngest sibling is cleaning the spilled flour off the counter.

brendon puts the cinnamon rolls next to the bowl of spaghetti and a box of decorated cookies. "do you need help with something, mrs. dun?" he goes to her side and puts the chopped off potatoes in the pot with the rest.

"you know you don't have to call me that, brendon. and i'd love you guys' help. bill went to the basement to get some spices for me, so i need all hands on deck," she hugs him and calls josh to join the hug, "i missed you, dears. how did your week go? did you have any troubles looking after the house?"

"it went pretty good. we played a ton of smash bros." josh replies, getting ready to work on the stuffing and cranberry sauce with jordan. 

"you played smash bros. without me?!" the youngest sibling whines, a frown of flour decorating his face.

brendon gets the ingredients ready for the dishes he'll work on with ashley, namely gravy and roasted vegetables. "sorry, bud. we can play some after we open the presents. i brought my switch."

"really? nice."

the whole family continues to work on dinner, everyone has an important thing to prepare so no time is wasted. josh's dad comes back with a box full of backup spices, along with special ones that they only use for big occasions such as christmas. it's a very lovely atmosphere. to be completely honest, josh can't help but keep looking over at his friend to see how he's doing. he knows that his parents aren't the best when it comes to holidays, like today, so he's almost always over for them.

when they say they're together all the time, they mean it. christmas, fourth of july, thanksgiving, new years eve... any holiday you can name, they've spent it together at least six times. to josh's delight, brendon seems happy. he's laughing to some anecdotes ashley's telling him, having a truly engaging conversation. after all, josh only cares about brendon being happy...and a few other things, but mostly brendon being happy.

* * *

laura is finishing up making the turkey. she was sure that it would take less time to cook, but it seems that the odds weren't in her favor. the rest of the food is already at the table. her kids and husband are setting the table and getting ready her eldest child, josh, comes back to the kitchen to check up on her. "do you need any help with that mom?" he asks as his mother checks the turkey with a thermometer. 

she shakes her head. "no, dear. i think it's done now." the smell of the turkey engulfs the entire room. it's safe to say that laura has a way in the kitchen, her food always tasting and smelling amazing. she takes it out of the oven carefully, setting it on top of a rack so the baking sheet it rests on can cool. the turkey has to rest for at least 10 minutes anyway. "we just have to wait for it to cool down."

"okay," josh nods and leans back on the counters. something deep within him is hurting. an open wound he's ignored since brendon and him left youngstown. he can't understand why all these painful feelings and thoughts are coming up to the surface right now. what could even trigger it here? the smell of turkey? him talking to his mom? he chokes up on a few tears coming to fill his eyes, "mom?"

"hm? what is it?" her eyes are focused on the thermometer, she can't see the distraught look on her son's face.

"r-remember tyler? the guy i was partnered with on my world history project? ...the guy who ran away?" of course she remembers him. josh couldn't stop talking about him whenever he was at home. his mom remembers how his disappearance greatly affected him. no mother likes seeing her children suffer the way he did. 

she nods, gaze still positioned on the thermometer to check if the cooked bird is still at the right temperature. "of course i do. he was a sweet boy. such a shame he ran away." josh can only let out a quiet sob after his mom speaks. it's not her fault to just know what the media and police reports said. how can she know what he knows? another sob escapes josh's lips, this time loud enough to catch his mom's attention. when she finally looks away from the food, tears are running down his cheeks in streams. "honey, are you okay?" she puts the thermometer on the counter and goes to hug him. the warm embrace of hers is more than enough to make josh break down in full force.

without much shame, he sobs into her shoulder. he knows he's getting her sweater wet, but she doesn't care. clothes can dry, puffy eyes can be fixed, broken hearts, whoever, cannot. she pets his hair, soothing him step by step. "i miss him, mom... i couldn't even say goodbye..." his voice sounds so weak and defeated. he's lying. of course he is. he'll never tell her the truth of his whereabouts for the past two weeks. this is the best he can give her. "i could've saved him."

the way he talks about the boy is heartwarming even in this moment of sadness. laura didn't really know much about tyler. she only knew he made josh happy, probably the happiest he's been in a long time. a few things start to click for her as she keeps on soothing her son. his infatuation with the boy now seems far beyond just a commitment to getting a good grade on his class. "oh, sweetheart. you didn't know, you couldn't have. i'm sure he really appreciated you as a friend and thinks about you wherever he is now."

"no. it was my fault..."

"it wasn't. none of this is your fault. his parents were...they weren't that great for him. it never had anything to do with you."

for a brief second he chooses to believe that. he does have to admit that in a certain way, his mom is right. tyler couldn't survive another day in his house. that doesn't take away from the fact that he played a part in it. no one talks about the diary. in the public eye it never existed. perhaps it's better for him to turn a blind eye to the truth and live in the fantasy his mom created for him. he can live in that fantasy for the day. carrying the blame on his shoulders is starting to get tiring. "i'm sorry," he lets go of the hug and sniffs. his eyes are barely a shade of red. they aren't puffy or anything concerning. he'll be presentable to eat in front of his family without a bit of worry about his weak moment. 

his mom takes his face in her hands and wipes the tears away with her thumbs. "it's okay, sweetheart." she presses a kiss to his forehead. "why don't you go wash your face with some cold water and i'll take the turkey to the dining table?" he nods and heads to the bathroom next to the living room. he can trust that his mom won't tell anyone about his tears. he wants to keep his pain a secret for now. it's christmas. he can deal with it another day.

* * *

after eating dinner, the dun family sits around the tree to exchange gifts. the delicious looking plate of cinnamon rolls is on the coffee table so they all can share them while they open the presents. everyone practically gets the things they really wanted; jordan got a ps4 and the spiderman game for it, ashley got an eyeshadow palette and new workout shoes for cheerleading... the list keeps going on and on, it would be annoying to hear it all.

"you didn't need to give me anything, mr. and mrs. dun," brendon says with teary eyes, hugging the _detroit: become human_ box. he's been thinking about buying the game ever since it came out, but he never got around to do it.

"please, brendon. you're part of the family, of course we were going to get you something," bill smiles, "thank you for bringing the cinnamon rolls. did you two make them?"

"oh no, lily came over to wish us happy holidays and baked them for us."

laura puts some of the wrapping paper in a trash bag to recycle later on, "oh, lily! we haven't seen her in a while. tell her that we loved them, please. i've got to ask for her recipe." she sits back down on the sofa with bill, exchanging looks with him before nodding in agreement. "kids, your father and i have something we want to tell you about."

"are we going to disney?" ashley asks, her attention mostly on her phone to tell her friends about her gifts. "heather's family is going to disney for new year's eve and spring break."

"that's good for them. our news are different," bill says, his tone sounding a little nervous, "our family is going to grow next year and–"

"are you finally gonna adopt brendon?" jordan interrupts.

josh groans and sighs in disbelief, "jesus christ, jordan! he'a not a dog." he adores his baby brother, but sometimes he gets on his nerves. "you're gonna have another kid? is that it?"

both parents share one more look between them and nod. "we are, you'll have a little sister or brother soon," laura confirms, expecting a bad reaction. on the contrary, everyone seems to be happy and excited. it's a huge relief. the three kids stand up and give a hug to their parents, some more visibly pumped than others.

"congrats! i'm really happy for you," brendon joins the hug, being an honorary member of the family and all.

"thank you so much, darling," laura smiles. she's glad that her fourth child, even if he's not related by blood, is also excited for the new member of the family.

"wait," jordan interrupts once again, his eyes widening at the realization, "does this mean i'll have to share my room with the baby?"

bill shrugs, "until josh leaves for college, probably, kiddo."

"i'm not giving him my room," josh takes a cinnamon roll from the plate and sits with brendon next to the lit fireplace.

"we'll discuss it when the time comes."

jordan turns to josh and sticks his tongue out to him. the older sibling rolls his eyes and lets it slide; after all, he's not the one who'll get crushed while playing smash bros.

laura notices an unopened box still under the tree. she gets up to get it and passes it to josh, "honey, mrs. patrick came over before you arrived and said to give this to you."

"is that why we have the cookies she always gives us in the kitchen?" he takes it, leaving his half eaten cinnamon roll aside to open the gift. the box is decorated with a beautiful floral pattern, yellow tulips to be exact. the matching yellow bow is so beautiful, josh is careful to not tear it apart to save it. he gets his hand inside the box and takes out a crystal box. inside the see through crystal box, an arrangement of flowers lives encased in the glass. the flowers include from lavender to black petunias, from poppies to peonies, from roses to daffodils, from cornflowers to red carnations, even yellow tulips are in the mix. it seems like the entire catalog of flowers is here, perfectly in harmony in their own little ecosystem.

"whoa, that's so cool," brendon mentions, "it's like she gave you her whole flower garden."

"i guess so," josh places the gift on the accent table next to him and fishes for the note at the bottom of the box. he reads it in his mind as the rest of the people in the room go about and talk about miscellaneous topics.

**_dear joshua;_ **

_i hope this gifts gets to you safe and sound. i saved a few of my flowers all year long for something special, and this gift is it. i asked mr. patrick to help me preserve the flowers in the glass so they never wilt, or at least i hope they don't._

_all the flowers represent different things, just like their colors do as well. my intention is for you to remember that life can always prosper and grow, just like plants do. the colors are also my secret way of you having something to reminds you of that whenever you need it the most._

_also, a little bird told me you came out to your family, i'm so proud of you. this gift also celebrates that. it's like your own personal pride flag made out of flowers. if you'd like for a more accurate bisexual flag, don't mind in telling me. i'll get mr. patrick working on it right away._

_thank you for being such a kind, young man as always._

**_merry christmas,_ **   
**_stephanie patrick (with help of mr. patrick)._ **

he can't help but be moved by the present. it's the most thoughtful gift he's ever received. not that this new airpods aren't thoughtful and special, but those don't have a heartfelt note to go with them. he puts the note and the crystal back in the box and goes to his room to save it from getting broken with all the commotion downstairs. his desk seems like the perfect temporal home for it, maybe he'll change it and display it on his shelves later on.

of course, brendon followed him and is admiring the utter beauty from the doorway. "hey, you alright?" he asks, his present still lingering on his hand.

"yeah. i just wanted to keep it up here before someone accidentally breaks it," josh replies and sits on his bed. he pats the space next to him, inviting his friend to accompany him. brendon accepts, closing the door behind him so jordan doesn't snoop in and leaves the game on the desk with the other gift.

"what's up? you're still sad about the whole tyler thing?" they lay back on the bed, looking up at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling that have been there ever since they were little kids. it's surreal how much time has passed since then.

"duh. it sucks. it fucking sucks. i finally had him back and i ran away. i'm a coward."

"you're not, you made the right choice. it wouldn't work out, even lily thought so."

josh chuckles and punches brendon on his arm jokingly, "still, i feel like a dumbass. i'm done with relationships. boys and girls are too much. all i need is myself and my best friend." he smiles, he genuinely means it. the only person who's always been by his side is brendon. his best friend, his brother.

"c'mon, don't say that. there are plenty of fish in the sea. besides, you're bisexual, my guy. your ocean is like twice as big."

"yours is even bigger."

"my dick? yeah, i know," the older boy winks at his friend and in return gets punched in the arm again. he's going to get a bruise.

josh sits up, pretending to vomit, "gross, dude. i meant your ocean, you pansexual mess." he lays back down and rolls his eyes when brendon keeps laughing at his own, very terrible, joke. now that he thinks about it, spending christmas with tyler wouldn't be as fun as being with brendon. sure, with tyler he could make out all night, but he can't joke about things like this. 

"whatever. you'll get over him. give it time, maybe in college we meet some hot ass people. we'll date around. it's gonna be so much fun."

"i don't know... he's everything i've thought about for the past three months. i can't leave him behind like he's just a random hookup."

brendon sits up, already annoyed by all the tyler praises, "he's only one guy. you do know he's not your entire world, right? there are other people out there who you might like more." _like me_.

"i doubt it. i've never felt this way about anyone else."

"because you've never been with anyone else, and if you don't get with anyone else later on you won't ever know if there's someone better for you."

by now it's the same argument again. neither of them have any new points to make. their creative well has run dry. they can only repeat what they've said before with different words. brendon groans in annoyance. he can feel josh coming up with a dumb argument to poke at him. the fuse to his patience is already lit up. it's only a matter of time before he explodes. "i don't need to try things with other people. tyler's perfect for me," josh retaliates. 

"you don't even know him! you probably don't know what's his favorite color, or if he peed his pants during a school play, or when he learned to ride a bike."

josh rolls over to face the wall, giving his back to brendon. he looks at the posters on the wall, the photos he's hung up from many monumental moments in his life. it's true that josh knows almost nothing about tyler, and tyler knows almost nothing about him. there's a reason why tyler isn't in any of these pictures. only the most important people in his life are...like brendon. "it's not like i'm bothering you by being in love. or am i? because apparently now i can't do anything on my own without you having an opinion about it."

brendon gets up from the bed. he starts to pace back and forth. "that's not true. i just try to help you so you don't make a dumb mistake. you do that for me, why can't i do it for you?"

"i can do decisions on my own. it's not like i'm gonna trip and die just for liking tyler," josh snaps at him. he can remember the fight they had the night of the party at troye's house. he doesn't want to yell something he'll regret. it's a big risk to keep this argument going. now it's personal though. he's got a point to prove. he has to protect tyler from brendon's accusing words. "you know he's good. he's not going to rip my heart out."

"you never know these days. he was playing with your heart anyway. he had a boyfriend, remember? i'm sorry to break the news to you, but you were his mistress."

mentioning tyler's other crush was the last thing josh thought brendon would do. it's a sensitive subject that he'd gotten over. josh accepted it. he was the one disturbing the peace. however, he cannot let brendon win. "he liked me. i'm sorry you've never had someone actually like you for your personality and not your money." there it is again. the words 'gold shitting freak' echo in the back of his mind. 

"don't you fucking dare bring that up again. we're not talking about me! we're talking about you and your dumb brain being enchanted by a stupid 16 year old that isn't even into you that much! can't you see i'm trying to protect you from getting your dumbass heart from getting broken? more than it already has because you never listen to me."

josh feels like screaming. he's tired of this. he wants to get it over with already. "why do you even care?"

"uh, because you're my best friend? and i want you to be happy? tyler would've broken up with you so fast if you'd become a couple. he doesn't deserve you. you deserve much better, way better. someone who actually gives a shit about you."

"news flash! no one gives a shit about me, why do you think i'm single still?"

it's taking everything in brendon not to grab josh by the collar and kiss him to make him realize. his hands are twitching from the built up anger from seeing tyler be everything he can't be. life is too unfair. "for fuck's sake! are you looking at that wall? the team cares about you! your family cares about you! the guys care about you! i care about you! almost everyone in the grade likes you, some in more ways than the others, but no! you're too focused on fucking tyler and no one else!"

"because i like him, god fucking damn it."

"you can't see it, right? open your fucking eyes! jesus christ! get him out of your head. he has no right being in your life anymore. he's moved on with his life. you need to do the same."

josh stands up, his feelings all mixed up by what his heart is telling him and what brendon keeps yelling at him. he doesn't even care if his family is listening to this fight. he's too into it to even think about the whole neighborhood listening. "why are you acting like this?! why are you so jealous of tyler?!"

"because i'm in love with you, you fucking idiot!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what an ending, right? didn't expect that to happen.
> 
> that last line has been on my mind for the past 2 years
> 
> the fight isn't great but i'm too tired so eh


	75. june 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PART THREE LET'S FUCKING GO!!!

josh wakes up a few seconds before his alarm goes off. he groans as he sits up and stretches a bit. he looks over and can't help but smile at the sight of the love of his life sleeping soundly next to him. he gives him a gentle pet from his head to his tail, slowly waking him up to start the day.

"get up, jim," he whispers in his sleepy voice, "we have a long day ahead of us." his dog wakes up as slowly as his owner does, but the sight of josh is enough for a boost of energy. after receiving some sloppy kisses from his best friend, he gets out of bed and goes around doing his usual morning routine. there's only about an hour left before he has to go to work, and the morning commute has been a bitch these past few days, he shouldn't waste time.

before he does anything else, he gives jim his breakfast and afterwards he starts to make his own. the keurig makes his first cup of coffee of the day, the sound of it being music to josh's ears. he checks his phone to answer any texts or emails he got during the night, but luckily he has nothing other than a few new comments on his most recent instagram post. they're from his old high school friends so he doesn't prioritize responding to them.

once the coffee is done, he takes the blue mug and sits in the small dining area of his apartment, his previously frozen waffles already hot and ready thanks to the toaster. he's been living in this apartment for over two years now and he wouldn't have it any other way. it's surprising how he managed to afford it while he still finished his degree. god bless his job at mrs. patrick's flower shop for keeping him stable enough through his college years.

he finishes putting everything in the backpack he takes to work when he notices jim scratching at the closed door across the small hallway from his room. he closes the zipper of his backpack and goes to pet his beloved dog. "i know, jim," he sighs and looks at the closed door with sadness behind his eyes, "i miss him too."

jim barks in response and they go on with their day. josh checks everything he needs is on him (backpack, keys, phone, wallet, jim's leash) so he can leave for work. he always leaves jim at the doggy daycare since he hates the idea of him being alone in the apartment for hours and hours on end. it's just a pure coincidence the place is on his route to work today. he always makes sure to wave goodbye to jim through the window before he gets back in his car and the dread of work washes over him.

once josh arrives to work, he immediately gets a call from his parents, more specifically his mom. ever since josh moved out for college, his mom has been more on his case than ever. that's even with his baby sister coming into the picture. "hey, mom," he speaks into his phone as he gets out of his car, "what's up?"

" _hi, honey. nothing, i just wanted to know how you're doing,_ " his mom says on the other end of the line.

"i'm good, just got to work. i might have to hang up soon so ashley doesn't kick me out."

" _oh, right. well, i wanted to ask you if you're coming home for the fourth of july? your dad and i were thinking about having a family gathering for it_."

josh shuts the door of his car close. his backpack hangs on his right shoulder, the weight of his things hurting him a little. "i think so. i'll doubt i have any work then."

" _that's great! we can give you your birthday present then too._ "

"mom, you _do_ know that you don't have to give me anything right? abbie and jordan deserve the gifts."

" _joshua, you_ do _know that you're still my son right? you'll get a birthday presents until the day i'm no longer on this earth._ "

he's about to reply when a voice behind him catches his attention. "hey, asshole! you're late!" the voice yells loudly enough for the entire neighborhood to hear. he chuckles when he sees his old friend ashley standing at the doorway with her messy blue dyed hair and a lilac sundress that has paint blotches all over.

"i have go to mom, ashley's getting cranky," he talks as he walks over to the open door of the beautiful suburban household.

" _okay. good luck with work today. say hi to ashley and jim from me. i love you._ "

"will do. i love you too." he hangs up inside the house. the familiar smell of cinnamon and fresh paint getting his mood high up. he'll definitely miss coming to visit ashley and getting to taste her amazing desserts or see her beautiful paintings once summer vacations begin. today's his last day so he needs to make it count.

he welcomes himself in the kitchen, leaving his backpack in the living room and sees ashley putting a couple cinnamon cookies on a plate for him. "you're late, josh. so unprofessional," she comments with a playful smile on her face.

"sorry, i had to leave jim at daycare and traffic happened. i swear that every single day there are more and more cars in this city."

"it's fine, dude," a few of her hairs come undone from the bun, falling over to cover her face enough to be noticeable, "nick's still asleep anyway. he'll probably wake up in like 30 minutes or so." the mention of nick brings josh back from just thinking he's catching up with an old friend.

who can blame him when they've been getting closer to one another for the past 5 years? ever since they found out she was pregnant, josh hasn't left her side since. they never had a close friendship during high school, mostly knowing each other through friends in common. although they did have a thing for a short time. it was expected from a cheerleader like her; to end up with a guy from either the soccer or basketball team was the ultimate achievement as a teenage girl. it didn't work out, like most of josh's other relationships, but at least they're way more than just acquaintances now.

it's just a coincidence that they both moved to the same city. it's just a coincidence that josh studied to be a teacher while ashley studied to become an artist at the same college. it's just a coincidence that he tutors the child ashley gave birth to, his favorite kid in the whole world. the world works in mysterious ways like that.

"have you been working on a new painting or did you spill icing all over yourself again?" he asks, half a cookie in his mouth. his stomach always seem to be empty whenever ashley bakes something. it's as if he never had those frozen waffles for breakfast.

ashley takes a cookie from the plate and picks at it while she talks, "new painting. nick got in my studio and threw my palette on me when i was talking to pete on the phone." she had breakfast not long ago so she isn't that hungry to join josh in eating a lot of cookies. maybe she'll snack on them as the day goes on.

"didn't you say he was asleep?"

"oh, these are from yesterday. i stayed up too late and fell asleep with this on. i'll change, don't worry." the light shines through the sheer white curtains, looking absolutely stunning against the colorful paintings on the wall.

josh has spent way too much time in this house, but he still notices small things like the way the light reflects on the glitter perfectly positioned on the star packed sky artwork in the living room. it feels like his second home. again, he's spent a lot of time here. possibly far too much time for anyone visiting someone else.

just as ashley is about to speak again, they hear a door being opened upstairs and little feet walking all over the carpet flooring. the sound continues as the steps become closer and closer until...

"daddy!" the sleepy 4 year old in truck pajamas cheerfully says while he runs towards josh and hugs him. josh picks him up and can't help himself to feel happy to see his favorite student and kid again. he's been thinking about asking ashley to see him more than twice a week, but she's the one with the money so whatever she says goes.

"hey, bud. how're you?"

ashley shakes her head and sighs, "nick, what did we say about calling josh your dad?"

"to not do it," nick hides his face in josh's shoulder in a bit of shame. it's not his fault that he sees josh as a father figure more than his own dad. he's 4, he can't do anything about it.

josh looks at ashley and back at nick, he puts him down and ruffles his short brown curls. it's a mere coincidence that they have the same hairstyle. "why don't you go to your room and bring your coloring books? we can begin with that today," he smiles at the child with the intention of making him happy. nick nods and runs up the staircase. he's already forgotten what ashley told him. in his defense, coloring is better than being scolded by his mom.

"i'm gonna take a wild guess and say that preston hasn't stopped by," josh begins the conversation, touching the subject that ashley won't touch with a 40 foot pole.

"ugh, he keeps saying that he's got work to do in dubai or some shit, but i know he's in detroit hooking up with that annoying french girl he dumped me for," her eyes shift for a brief moment to the framed picture on the wall. who could've guessed that the faithful day it was taken was the last one the family would've been together in the last 3 years?

"collette? oh wow. i haven't heard of her in a while. well, he's an asshole. at least you aren't tied down to him anymore."

ashley shrugs. he's right, at least she isn't the official mrs. although it pains her to see her innocent child have to deal with parents who don't even live in the same city as he grows up. "enough about that piece of shit. he's not worth our time. you need to teach my child how to color inside the lines, and i need a glass of wine."

"it's literally 9 in the morning, ash."

"i know, i know! we need to get out of the house. we'll go to the bar it tomorrow. it's time you get laid and it's time for me to get something other than $7 wine from walmart."

the mere thought of going out to actively find someone seems so out of reach nowadays. his whole life is focused on teaching and jim. he can't really think of the last time he went on a date since... "do we need to? i'm fine being alone. besides, i don't need to go to a bar and get laid."

"josh, my darling, you need to get out of your head! you need to meet new people once in a while. you don't necessarily have to get laid, i'll take making out as the bare minimum," she puts a hand on his shoulder and looks directly into his eyes. it's hard to see josh give up on his love life so early, he's barely 22. he's got his whole life ahead of him.

he wants to argue with her, but nick returns to the first floor with a coloring book and a box of crayons in his hand. there's no time to negotiate about the terms of the night, he's got a child to teach. "if i say yes, will you please stop talking about me getting laid?" josh sighs in defeat.

ashley nods proudly. it's easy to say she has a plan brewing up on her mind. tomorrow night will definitely be fun. "what does laid mean?" nick asks, his innocent eyes looking at both his mom and his uncle/pretend dad.

"nothing you have to worry about, bud. let's start your lesson, okay?" josh saves the situation before ashley has a heart attack. it really seems like it's a normal day in the big city of cincinnati, ohio. little does josh know that a big storm is coming his way and it has no intention of giving him mercy.

but for now, all he has to focus on is making nick color inside the lines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to dreamertyler for giving me the suggestion for josh's job. that's what took 99% of my brain while writing this. it brought me so much pain,,,


	76. june 23 pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight trigger warning for mentions of vomit

tyler takes a deep breath and prepares himself for the day. his grip tightens around the handle of his luggage. it's been a while since he's set foot in ohio. it's weird to come back to the place he wanted to escape from as soon as he had the chance.

he can feel the difference in the air. this isn't like his dear, beloved new york. big city to big city is almost the same every time, from buenos aires to austin to seoul to london to sydney. somehow, cincinnati feels different to the rest.

he turns around to look back at his manager who's catching up to him. "you walk too fast sometimes," spencer mentions, his suitcase rolling behind him.

it was just a coincidence his old friend studied to be a literary agent. it was just a coincidence that he got tyler this very book deal. the world works in mysterious ways like that.

"you walk too slow," tyler replies with a smile.

"i should've left you in seattle back when i had the chance."

they walk towards the doors, their ride to the hotel already waiting for them in the parking lot. "but you didn't, because you love me," the younger of the two, although that comparison seems useless now, says as he embraces himself to be back in his home state. he's not gonna lie, he missed ohio. even with all the bad memories attached to it.

once the two friends find their ride, they put the suitcases on the trunk of the car and get on the back. traveling from place to place is a standard routine to tyler by now. get on a plane, get to the new place, get to the hotel, do the signing and get on another plane the next day. how do famous people do this all the time? he feels like he's dying if he doesn't take a few days off the never ending routine.

the trip to the hotel isn't long, there's barely even any traffic. it's weird for the big city. there's always cars around, there's always traffic. it _is_ barely 11 am, most people are at work or school so the traffic from those two is long gone now.

the hotel lobby is busy with people coming in and out of elevators and the hotel restaurant. spencer deals with the lady receptionist while tyler wanders around looking at the paintings hung up on the walls. one in particular catches his eye. it's a beautiful painting of a star filled sky at dawn, the edges sprinkled with glitter and metallic paints. the brush strokes and techniques are stunning. he looks at the label next to the frame.

**_sun's coming up_ **   
_artist: ashley frangipane_

the name rings a bell for him. he's definitely heard it before. maybe it's just a coincidence, he's definitely met a lot of people named ashley. he brushes it off and joins spencer in going up to their hotel room. usually check-in isn't until 3 pm, but their hotel room is ready for them now.

"alright, do we have anything to do today?" tyler asks, leaving his suitcase next to his bed and dumping his backpack on said bed. the straps of the red backpack are worn out, patches cover the holes that have appeared throughout the years. he's never gotten a new one. it's the only piece of his old home he still keeps around. there's no real reason for it.

"aside from getting here? nothing. i guess you have this day off. oh, and tomorrow too. we could go out and explore," spencer's attention is on his phone, checking for any events written on his calendar. without him, tyler wouldn't even know how to leave the airport without having a panic attack. he's a lifesaver.

"i don't feel like it. i wanna stay and watch movies with you."

"tyler, we've done that for the past 3 weeks. we need to do something else. i'll look up a club or a bar so we can go there tomorrow night. you need to get drunk."

a groan escapes tyler's lips as he falls on his bed next to his backpack. he hates how outgoing his friend tries to make him be. he hates the fact that he can legally drink now so spencer can make him to go to bars. he can't count the amount of times he's been dragged to a bar to hookup with a stranger, only for his anxiety to get the best of him and make him run away. the alcohol doesn't help. vodka and whiskey make him get sad drunk, which only enhances his illness in the nastiest way. beer tastes like piss and rum makes him pass out immediately.

the mere idea of hooking up with a stranger while intoxicated scares the hell out of him. what if the person hurts him? what if they do something to him he doesn't consent to? who knows what might happen. the fact that if he does go home with somebody, it would end up being his first. spencer calls him a prude for wanting to save himself for 'the one'. it's all in good fun, of course, but tyler feels a bit hurt by it. it's not his fault he's not ready for anything yet. even if he was, he could only do it with a guy, girls don't evoke those feelings on him. sadly, no guy he's flirted with seems right. they're too intense or too aloof for him.

so, in summary, he'd rather die a sad, lonely virgin than have his first time with a random guy in a restroom stall while drunk on tequila.

"i don't. what i need is love, not shots."

"you need to get out of your head," spencer sits on his bed, the google search of bars in their area open on his phone, "it's been what? three years since you broke up with awsten? it's time you get over his sorry ass and get someone in your ass."

"gross."

"don't knock it 'til you try it."

tyler groans again. "do i have to drink? can't i just be sober?"

"what's the point in going to the bar then? dude, you're 21. you need to live a little. look, if you feel uncomfortable, we'll leave, but at least go out with me to celebrate your successes. one shot, that's all i'm asking for."

the pleading look on spencer's face makes tyler feel guilty. he sighs in utter defeat. one shot isn't bad. maybe he can have fun with his friend without crying in front of a stranger about not wanting to go home with them. it's a new city. he can reinvent himself for now. "alright. one shot. if i feel even remotely bad, we leave."

it's not exactly what spencer had in mind but it's a start. "thank you, babe. we can stay in and watch those movies you mentioned," the warm smile on spencer's face brings the sweet 21 year old comfort. spencer has always been there for him for the past 5 years. even if when he was away in california for college, he was only one phone call away. people say you shouldn't work with your friends or family but it works with them.

they unpack their things as _twilight_ plays on the tv. it's more of a background noise than anything. they do stop and criticize the movie every now and then, mostly laughing at how 2010 it is. afterwards they go to the hotel restaurant for dinner, taking as much food from the buffet as they can humanly eat.

it's a nice change of pace, not having to stress eat mcdonald's while you finish packing for a 5 am flight never gets fun. "y'know, i'm glad you're my friend, ty," spencer says with a mouthful of pasta, "and my client too. you're like my little brother, bro."

"are you drunk?" tyler glances at the drinks in front of him and notices a wine glass almost empty. he swears it was just full. actually, he's seen it half empty before that. how many times has spencer asked for a refill for his wine glass?

"no," a small hiccup makes him pause, "well, maybe."

"we're literally going out to drink tomorrow and you're getting drunk _now_?"

"let me have my fun, dude. it's just wine."

it's not that crazy to think that spencer might be right in his way of doing things. he lives every night the way he wants to live it, not living with anxiety must be great. "okay," tyler takes a sip from his lemonade that's too sweet for his taste, "just don't throw up on me in the middle of the night."

"we have separate beds, ty. i don't projectile vomit like you anyway," spencer rolls his eyes and finishes his wine.

tyler covers his mouth, dropping his fork on his mashed potatoes and chicken. he's not someone who has a weak stomach and feels sick in command, but maybe today isn't his lucky day. "ew! don't talk about it or i _will_ puke on you right now."

"fine, fine. i'm sorry."

"thank you. you're really like a big brother, annoying and nasty as hell."

his pretend big brother ruffles up his hair and winks at him with a smug grin, his love for tyler is truly immense. "then you're really like a little brother, double annoying and even nastier."

the two laugh at their nonsense, the people around their table give them weird looks. they don't care. why should they? in a couple of days they'll get on a plane and leave the forsaken city, they'll never see any of these people again. he hasn't had a single drop of alcohol but tyler's floating, his brain's tipsy in the happiness that spencer brings him. there really isn't much to say about it.

by the time the two go back to the room and get in their beds, tyler's forgotten about tomorrow night. he'll definitely remember in the morning. it's probably not going to be anything exciting. how many exciting things can happen in a place like cincinnati, ohio in the span of a few days? not many, that's for sure.

nonetheless, tyler doesn't know what's coming. he's felt weird all day, maybe it's the fact that he's back in the state that made him grow up so fast, or maybe it's something else. he's got to wait and see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly don't enjoy this ending but oh well, i also weirdly didn't finish some sentences on my first draft? idk what happened there
> 
> soz it took me so long to post again. my brain's been overwhelmed lately, and i can barely focus on one thing and finish it.
> 
> get ready, y'all. things are only going up from here


	77. june 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> possible trigger warning for alcohol consumption

the night is as young as ever. or as young as it can be at 7 o'clock. josh drives to ashley's house to pick her up and get to their favorite bar. it's not that far from ashley's neighborhood, so they can take their sweet time getting there. some kids show in disney channel plays on the tv, totally captivating nick with its flashy colors and cute characters.

ashley's finishing her makeup on the kitchen counter while josh fixes himself a sandwich so he doesn't down a beer without any food in his system. he's intending only having a few sips of alcohol, he _is_ the designated driver since ashley hasn't renewed her license yet. it's on josh's to-do list. no, really. on his fridge at home there's a notepad with 'take ash to the dmv' written on it.

"you know that you look good without makeup, right?" josh mentions between bites of his sandwich, "i'm sure that whatever guy or girl you talk to won't mind if your cheeks aren't bronzed to perfection."

"i'm not having this conversation with you again. it makes me feel good. i like wearing it. you don't have to wear the same three shirts all the time but here you are," she snaps at him without looking away from her compact mirror while putting a few coats of mascara on.

"rude."

nick looks away from the tv while commercials play out. he's entertaining himself with his stuffed animals and toy cars. "mommy?"

"yes, sweetheart?" still with the mascara wand near her eye, she glimpses over to the living room to see if her child needs any help or anything in general.

"where are you and daddy going?"

"we're going to have some fun and meet new people, bud," josh joins the conversation before the worried mother can lecture her son on family terminology once again. he washes the plate and knife he used for his food to help out ashley with one less dish to clean. he's always been some type of husband material to her. most people think that josh's the real father, given that nick has curly hair like him and he's helped ashley with all things parenthood without receiving anything in exchange.

some rumors are that they hooked up back in high school, which resulted in her getting knocked up and ashley put the blame on her boyfriend at the time to protect josh. others say that they hookup now, and he just helps her out to get head. it's surprising what people come up with when they have nothing better to do.

"can i go? pretty please?"

"they don't let kids in, honey," she zips up her makeup bag and goes to sit next to her kid on the living room carpet, "it's just for one night. i'll make it up to you tomorrow. how does ice cream sound?" she places a kiss on the top of his head and her heart fills with joy at how excited he gets about the ice cream.

"yes! will daddy go too?"

"...sure. if he's not busy. will you go with us, josh?" her gaze follows him, his tall, slender figure joining them on the floor as the show comes back on the tv. it's not difficult to tell she wants to correct nick on calling josh his dad. for his sake, she lets it go. one night won't hurt.

"i'd be honored." josh kisses her forehead and gives nick a warm hug. he doesn't help his own case of being accused of being a dad. it's just his nature to care for the people he loves. even kids that aren't his own count, and his best friends who are the mother of said kid too.

the babysitter that ashley hired for the night doesn't take much longer to arrive. the couple of friends say their goodbyes to nick, promising that they'll come back home as soon as they can. if the night doesn't go as expected, josh'll definitely sleep over at the house rather than going back to his apartment. he doesn't have to worry about jim, he left him with his neighbor who happens to be a dogsitter. what a crazy world full of coincidences he lives in.

ashley looks at her phone while josh drives, a familiar song playing on the radio for ambiance. when they stop at a red light, josh turns to face her and makes probably the first mistake of tonight. "i know you don't want to talk about it, but we have to talk about it."

she doesn't look up from her phone, her expression as neutral as it can be. she's trying her best to not seem like she knows the talk that's coming up. "talk about what?"

"about nick. babe, you know i don't mind him calling me dad."

"well i do," she locks her phone and throws it in her bag. the light changes to green and josh presses on the gas. the bar is only 10 minutes away, meaning that she's stuck in this awkward conversation until they get to the destination.

"why? i really don't mind. i'm practically his dad anyway. i take care of him and—"

"that's fucking why. you shouldn't be taking care of him. his shit piece of a father should. he should be the one playing with him, teaching him how to dress himself, ease him after a nightmare..." she pauses to take a breath, and try to calm down before any tears start to form out of frustration, "i know that he's never changed a single goddamn diaper in his life while you literally were with me at the hospital when nick was born. that doesn't matter. he should've been there, not you. it's not your responsibility. you're not my fucking boyfriend! you shouldn't have to worry about this shit."

"do you want me to be?"

the question gets ashley to get out of her negative mindset. it's like a bucket of cold water with tons of ice being dropped on her. if she was the one driving, she'd hit the breaks so hard they'd probably crash. "what did you say?"

"i said, do you want me to be your boyfriend?"

"what... i... josh, sweetie, you're joking right?"

he shakes his head. he appears to be dead serious, he doesn't crack a smile afterwards to prove that it's a joke. "i'm not joking. if this is the only way for you to finally let me take care of him without being all crazy about it, then i'll take it. i know we don't think of each other that way, but if it's something i need to do, i'll do it."

"no, no no no. josh, you're crazy. you're insane. i can't do that to you. you deserve so much better than me. i can't be your girlfriend. i would absolutely hate myself if i tie you down like that. don't you fucking dare contradict me."

"alright," his eyes still on the road as he thinks of what to say next, "there's no way in hell you'll let me take care of him, is there?"

ashley shrugs. the conversation dies there. it's clear that she doesn't want to even think about the subject. her heart aches every time nick asks about his actual dad, or every time nick calls josh his dad. she knows josh shouldn't take her stupid ex's place. it'd mess everything up. josh can't be a dad, at least not now. he's got so much life to live, so much to enjoy and discover. god knows how being forced to come back every night to a home that isn't truly his to take care of a child that doesn't share the same dna as him could ruin him. perhaps josh really is built for family life. just not now, and not this one.

* * *

"i'm surprised you didn't pick a gay bar," tyler comments after he downs his first, and hopefully only, shot of tequila. the band playing live at the establishment has their sound a little too loud, making his eardrums hurt. it seems like they might get off stage soon, so he's got that going on for him.

"i thought that you might feel like talking to a lady tonight. besides, nothing screams ohio like a normal, mostly heterosexual bar." spencer ordered a beer which he's sipping on while he looks around for any interesting people to go and meet. he won't pressure tyler into anything he doesn't feel comfortable with, but making small talk with a stranger never hurt anyone. well, maybe it did but that's besides the point.

"you're right on that one."

it's only 9 pm, people keep coming into the bar to have fun during their friday night. many of them seem to come in big groups or couples. in spencer's eyes, none look intriguing enough to chat with. he's about to give up hope when a brand new pair of people walk in. the dim lights and crowd don't let him see the people's faces clearly, but something tells him they're the answer to the predicament. he nudges tyler on the ribs, causing him to yelp, "look over there. the girl with blue hair. she seems nice."

"i don't think she's my type," tyler looks in the same direction and shrugs, "i doubt she'll be interested in someone like me anyway."

"come on. what did i say about talking bad about yourself?" spencer sighs, the weight of the world on his shoulders, "i'll go to the bathroom real quick, okay? if she comes to talk to you, don't be afraid to at least ask for her name. be right back."

with a simple nod for confirmation, the older of the two is gone. tyler stares at the empty glass in front of him. another drink couldn't hurt, right? he asks for a second shot to the bartender, the burning sensation of the alcohol still lingering on his lips and back of his throat. he usually only has a drink or two. the only times he's had more and gotten really drunk were when he first turned 21, which wasn't that long ago and he did it purely for the fun of it, and when awsten broke up with him, only 3 years ago. he lied to everyone about how their relationship ended. he got dumped, not the other way around. still, they understood his pain. he snuck a bottle of vodka out of jenna's liquor cabinet back in his old apartment that terrible night, he drank half of the stuff before he threw up and cried himself to sleep. he wanted to feel anything else but the pain in his heart, and the headache he got the next morning was just that.

he feels someone sit next to him, where spencer previously was. he keeps his eyes on his new glass of tequila to avoid having to speak to the new figure. "hey, can i have a rum and coke and a gin and tonic, please?"

that voice. he'd recognize it anywhere. oh boy, it sends chills down his spine. the voice sweet like honey but warm like a fireplace. suddenly he feels like he's 16 again, all scared and alone in the world. his eyes finally decide to look up, meeting with a sight he'd never thought he'd seen again. "josh?"

the man standing next to him turns to face him, both drinks in his hands. he looks just as shocked as tyler. "tyler?" he puts the glasses back on the bar as to not drop them on the floor by pure surprise. "what are... what are you doing here?"

"i-i'm here for work," tyler stutters. is he drunk already? his mind must be playing tricks on him. josh can't be here. he just can't. "what are _you_ doing here?"

"i live here. well, not _here_. like, in cincinnati. oh my god... holy shit." what are the chances? out of all the bars in the whole city, they just happen to be at the same one. josh takes a sip from his rum and coke and rubs his eyes as if he barely woke up from a bad dream. "you're here. you're actually here. holy fuck. i'm so sorry i haven't texted you in like...4 years? oh wow, it's been so long."

"it's alright. i didn't text you either. i'm guilty too. how have you been?"

josh exhales in delight, he's happy that tyler didn't take someone's drink and throw it at him for being such a dick friend and not texting him in 4 years. he looks so different. he seems better, healthier, happier. "i've been fine, i guess. graduated high school and college, that was hell. uh, i moved here for college with my friend ashley. i'm a teacher now, well, a tutor. i hope i get hired into this really cool private school near my apartment. i got a dog! yeah, his name's jim. he's great, love him."

"that's so cool. you're a teacher? i can see that happening, it suits you." tyler puts his hand over josh's, totally out of instinct without thinking about it. he doesn't notice until josh looks at it in amusement. he takes it away and his cheeks flush a pretty red shade. "so...a dog, huh? what breed is he?"

"golden retriever."

"he sounds really cute. i'd love to see him."

josh searches for his phone in his pockets and groans when he doesn't feel it anywhere. "damn it. i left it with ashley," he looks back at a table where the blue haired girl spencer noticed is sitting, "i'll be right back." he takes the gin and tonic with him as he walks back to his friend. _just wait until ashley hears about this_.

"finally, i was starting to worry," ashley takes the beverage out of his hand and can't help but notice the huge smile on his face. "what are you smiling about?" she gasps and sets the drink down. they haven't been in the bar for more than 15 minutes and josh already found someone? she's so proud of him. "you met somebody! oh my god! tell me about them! are they cute?"

all the excitement makes him feel so flustered. it isn't that monumental. he's talked to people at the bar before. yeah, the last time was 3 months ago, but at least he did it. "i did. he's really fucking cute. he asked to see jim so i kinda need my phone now." he takes it from her purse before she can ask more questions. it's fine, he knows that she'll be with him when she feels like going home.

he walks back to tyler at the bar and begins to look for pictures of jim. "i'm back! let me find some good ones. he's very photogenic but moves a lot."

"okay. oh, i took care of your drink, by the way. made sure no one put anything suspicious in it." the adorable smile on tyler's lips is too much for josh to handle. has he always looked this cute? he's still got his soft features from way back when, but he's also become...hot. oh god. he's still as kind and caring as he was before.

"thank you! that's very sweet of you, ty." they spend a long time looking at pictures of jim, getting closer to each other at the point that tyler's almost sitting on josh's lap while crying about how precious jim as a puppy was. speaking of, tyler keeps ordering shots of tequila. it seems like it's the reason why he's feeling so emotional, or maybe it's the familiar scent of josh's. could be a mixture of both.

* * *

as he's on his sixth shot, tyler feels like he's about to throw up. to be honest, he didn't really eat dinner. it's a terrible idea to drink as much with an empty stomach. he whines in his mild pain and rests his head on josh's shoulder. "i'm not feeling great," he whimpers. where the hell is spencer? it's been at least an hour and a half since he left for the bathroom? is the line that long? did he leave him? no. spencer would've texted him. there are no notifications from him.

"i think you should stop drinking, ty. did you have anything to eat?" josh asks genuinely concerned for his old friend. he pays for the drinks including tyler's. he's so ready to get home and sleep.

he shakes his head. "not really. only a few cookies for breakfast, and a sandwich for lunch."

"oh god," the older man bites his lip and looks back at ashley who seems pretty content talking to a girl on their table. he can't leave her alone. he's been keeping tabs on her, only had 2 gin and tonics but 4 shots of vodka, she's not fit to go home on her own. ordering an uber for her could work, but it could be dangerous. he didn't ask tyler if he came alone, it could be equally as dangerous to send him home alone. he knows what he has to do. "would you like for me to take you home?"

tyler shakes his head. "can't remember my room number. spencer has the keycard anyway."

so he does have company. josh faintly remembers who spencer is. knowing him, how come he left tyler alone at the bar? "oh. would you like to sleep over at mine? you can have my bed and i'll take the couch."

"okay," he says in a soft voice. he waits for josh to tell ashley it's time to go, when spencer miraculously comes back. he sits next to tyler and hugs him. "spence? where were you? you left me alone."

"i'm so sorry. i was coming back when i saw that you were with josh. you both looked so lovely together. i didn't wanna interrupt, i texted you about it but my messages never delivered," spencer explains, he pulls out his phone to prove his point. there they are, about 11 texts trying to communicate with tyler but ultimately failing to do so. this causes the 21 year old to check his phone.

he put it in airplane mode. no wonder he wasn't getting any texts.

"i'm fucking dumb, wow," he giggles when he remembers the news he wants to tell, "guess what? josh offered me to sleep at his apartment." he frowns at spencer's evil grin. "don't make that face! we're not going to do that type of sleeping. we're gonna actually sleep."

"that means you don't want to come back to the hotel?"

"i... i don't know. it would be rude to turn him down after he took care of me all night."

spencer nods. he can tell tyler's a bit gone, his mind isn't bound to make great decisions in this inebriated state. it may have been 5 years since he last saw josh but he knows he's a good guy. a night over at his house wouldn't hurt tyler. he deserves a break from spencer being on his case 24/7. "go with him. you seem like you need to catch up on a lot more. if that motherfucker tries to hurt you though, kick his ass and call me. i'll be there right away, okay?"

"got it. thanks, spence."

he hugs his friend one more time and presses a kiss to the top of his head, "don't thank me, babe. i'll see you tomorrow. we have an appointment at 4, so i'll see you before then." with that, he leaves the bar and heads back home in a cab. hopefully tyler remembers the appointment. we'll see how that goes.

one more minute passes by before josh comes back, his arm wrapped around the blue haired girl's waist. "you're ready to go?" josh offers his free hand to tyler for support. the youngest of the new group takes it and nods. "we'll drop off ashley first, okay ty? then you can sleep as much as you want."

neither of the former lovebirds notice, but ashley is smiling at how utterly in love they look. rekindling a fire previously blown out by the winds of time passing is one if the most beautiful things to witness. she never really knew the story of tyler, after all josh banned it from existing when...the thing happened. all she knew were bits and pieces, rumors that their group of friends made up to fill in the holes of the story. somehow, now it all seems so clear. she didn't get what she ask for from josh, but this is so much better.

her best friend in in love. it may be a sleepy kind of love, but it has the potential to become bigger than itself with the right spark to ignite it.

* * *

at the other side of the world, a man looks longingly out his window. a cold glass with the most expensive brand of whiskey money can buy rests on his hand, the bitter taste coating his lips. he sighs, the light of the city is the only illumination he has. all of the lights in his penthouse are turned off.

the loneliness he feels is a menace to be reckoned with. no matter how much wealth he holds, no matter how many parties he throws to show off said wealth, nothing helps fill the void in his soul. it's funny, he never paid attention to _the great gatbsy_ when he was in high school. english class is for nerds.

a quick check for any notifications of his phone proves him that past midnight, no one bats an eye when it comes to him. he could be wind up dead on his eggshell white carpet floors and he wouldn't be found until his maids arrived the next morning to clean.

how long has it been since he had any genuine human connection?

god... it's been like 2 years...

he closes his eyes and drinks from his glass, hoping that the alcohol makes him forget his troubles. he wonders what the view in ohio is like because he's certainly forgotten its beauty by now.

* * *

when they arrive to the apartment, tyler immediately runs to the bathroom to throw up. josh can't do anything but prepare him a glass of water and some bread to absorb the alcohol. in his way over, he also grabs a random t-shirt and sweatpants as a makeshift pajama set. "ty?" he enters the small guest bathroom with his offering to check on his friend, "are you feeling better now?"

all tyler replies with it a groan. he flushes the toilet and grabs the water, downing it all in one go. he's been drinking all night but he's never been more thirsty in his life. "thank you, josh."

"don't mention it. eat this," he offers him the bread, "it'll help absorb the alcohol in your system, and fill your stomach up too. here's some clothes, you can change in here if you'd like." he resists the urge to lean in and kiss tyler's forehead. those damn puppy eyes... it's so tempting to be affectionate with him. "i'll go prepare the bed for you."

he does as he said and makes his room look as tidy as he can. the summer heat makes his room quite warm during the night, so he only has one light blanket to use. he fluffs up the pillow, singular, and hides all his junk in random drawers. his room is tidy for the most part, but in his defense he didn't expect to have company tonight. josh smiles proudly at his seemingly clean room when he feels tyler standing behind him. he turns around and melts into the ground. oh dear god. how can tyler look absolutely stunning with a university of cincinnati shirt that's perhaps a size too big and grey sweatpants that fit loosely around his petite waist.

"you have a really cute room," tyler speaks in his drunken voice, so precious and sleepy, "thank you for letting me sleep over and letting me borrow your clothes."

 _fucking hell_ , josh says in his head, _he's so enchanting_. "don't mention it. i doubted you'd want to sleep in your jeans." he regrets saying that as soon as the sentence leaves his tongue. his cheeks feel hot. if he hadn't given tyler a pair of sweatpants then he probably would've slept in his...oh god. what's happening to him? why is his mind so rowdy now? he must be really lonely if something like this works him up.

tyler nods, he puts his clothes on the desk chair. he immediately goes to the bed and gets comfortable on it. just as josh is about to leave to sleep in the living room, he calls out for him. "josh? do you mind staying with me until i fall asleep?" his voice sounds so innocent and fragile. it takes josh back 5 years, when they first slept in the same bed for the first time.

"sure," he smiles, taking shirt off and exchanging his black jeans for a pair of black sweatpants. he usually sleeps in his underwear, but that might make tyler get the wrong idea. he turns off the lights, that might help tyler fall asleep.

he joins the small brown haired man in the bed, cuddling up to him, but not too close. "you know," josh begins to talk while he covers himself up with the sheets, "you never finished telling me about you. how have you been, ty?"

"i wrote a book. a poetry book," tyler mumbles, his eyes closed and drifting to sleep, "i live in new york city with spence. he's my roommate. he takes care of me since no one wants to date me. i feel bad. he shouldn't do that."

"i think he likes it. he wouldn't do it if he didn't."

tyler snuggles closer to josh, wrapping himself around the older man's arms. he can't remember the last time he was this close to someone before. even when he was with awsten, they rarely cuddled since his ex-boyfriend spent most of his time out and about. he doesn't blame him. after all, why would anyone want to get close to him? he's not worth it. nevertheless, with josh he feels safe. everything's okay. everything will be okay. "i guess. i broke up with awsten too. well, he broke up with me. he said he was too busy to be chained up to me forever."

"tyler... i'm so sorry. he didn't deserve you." josh places a kiss on top of his friend's head, purely platonic. or so he'd like to think.

"dunno. i wanna be loved, josh. must feel nice to be loved."

a silence falls into the room. "it must feel nice. i know you'll be loved someday. you only have to wait for the perfect person. who knows, maybe they're right under your nose." as josh talks, he notices that tyler has officially fallen asleep in his arms. his ethereal beauty is breathtaking. the way his chest rises and falls with every breath he takes is so harmonious. his lashes resting on his cheeks are what any girl would kill to have, curly and long with no effort. his petite form, even if he now is an inch or two taller than josh, fits perfectly with the older man's. you'd confuse them with two jigsaw puzzle pieces that match perfectly with one another if you didn't take a second look.

josh pulls him closer, placing another kiss, this time on his temple, before he closes his eyes and falls asleep. suddenly it seems like there's no pain in the world. no outer problem can interrupt the moment. they're floating around in a different reality where everything, specially love, is possible. after spending so long apart, josh thought that he could never reconnect with his first love. his first love is here. not only in the same city, but resting in his arms. his heart feels like it might explode.

they need to thank their friends for taking them to the bar that night. if they'd declined, none of this would've happened. it's scary to think that's how the world works. that's how love works. they were in the right place at the right time. they lit the correct match to bring their fire back from the dead. for once, in what seems like forever, they both sleep at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all liked it bc i worked really fUCJING hard on this. be grateful
> 
> i mainly listened to halsey's manic while writing this and listening to more during nick's part hurt like a motherfucker. oh and finally//beautiful stranger is great ambiance for this chapter too
> 
> p.s.: it seems like this fic is joshler again whoops


	78. june 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for disappearing for a month. life got a bit crazy for a while (before the whole virus) and i didn't have time to update on here

josh wakes up when the phone rings. he must've forgotten to put it in silent or do not disturb before he fell asleep. he jolts awake and answers the call. "hello?" he mutters in his sleepy voice. god, what time is it?

"daddy? did i wake you up?" nick's voice sounds so innocent. josh is surprised he knows his number, or how to call someone in the first place. kids are learning about technology since such a young age nowadays. maybe ashley taught him the phone number in case of any emergencies.

"no no. i was already awake. what's up?"

"oh. are you going to get ice cream with me and mommy?"

 _oh fuck_. josh totally forgot about that. to be fair, his mind was on more focused on other things. he looks at the time, 10:52 am. he slept for 10 hours?! "yeah. i'll be there. tell your mom to text me the address, okay?"

there's a pause from nick. the sound of cartoons on the tv is more than clear. "okay. bye, daddy! i love you!"

"i love you too, bud. bye bye." he hangs up and throws his phone back on his nightstand. he feels a shift in the bed and a body pressing against him for warmth. it scares the hell out of him. his mind is a little foggy. he doesn't remember having sex with anyone. when he notices the person's face, he calms down.

_it's tyler. oh my god, it's tyler!_

tyler is here. not only in ohio but in his arms. the panic starts to set in once the calm before the storm passes. he begins to panic as worried thoughts fill his head. _did we hook up?_ it's odd that he can't remember what happened last night. he wasn't drunk, he barely had one drink. his suspicions can't be true, he would remember if he had sex with the first love of his life.

he moves tyler slowly to wake him up. "ty... ty, wake up," he murmurs in a sweet voice. he kisses his temple and the younger man wakes up, his eyes opening slowly. he looks absolutely ethereal. tyler yawns and shifts so he's facing josh. the t-shirt hangs loose from his shoulders.

"josh? where am i? did we..."

he shakes his head. "i don't think so."

tyler groans in pain. his head hurts like hell. he should've known he'd get a hangover. he drank too much. 6 shots of tequila too many. " _fuck_..." he complains, the word almost seeming sinful as it comes out of his lips, "why did i drink? i don't even like it."

"i'll get you something for your head," josh kisses his temple again and gets out of the bed. he totally forgot he's only wearing sweatpants. it feels very intimate to be wearing such little clothing around a stranger. tyler isn't a stranger though, but it feels that way after not talking for 4 years. "do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up?" he grabs a shirt from his closet, yet another university of cincinnati shirt, and puts it on to make up for the awkwardness.

"you don't have to make me breakfast, josh."

"i want to. i would be an awful host if i didn't feed my visitors. so, scrambled or sunny side up?"

"scrambled." he blushes, his cheeks a beautiful crimson red. his brain has an urge to write something about this beautiful feeling in his chest. he hasn't felt like this in a while. he waits until josh has left the room to grab his phone from his pile of clothes on the desk. it's really true that the makeshift pajamas fit loosely around his thin body. whenever he slept over at awsten's place, which was rare in itself, he always slept in his own pajamas since awsten never offered his. honestly, tyler doesn't blame him; why would anyone want his nasty germs all over their clothes?

he unlocks his phone, there are a few texts from spencer and jenna. he replies to both of his friends, informing them that he's still alive, writes a few words about the feeling on the notes app and goes to the kitchen to join his host. josh is busy with cooking the scrambled eggs, looking absolutely stunning in the morning light. tyler notices a glass of water and a tylenol bottle on the counter. "is that for me?"

"yup," josh confirms without taking his eyes off the pan, "take two. i'd give you advil but i ran out of those."

"it's fine. i prefer tylenol anyway."

he does as instructed and takes the pills. hopefully they make the pain go away before the appointment later today... oh god. he almost forgot about the appointment. "could you drop me off at my hotel later?" he sits on the small dining table and finishes the glass of water to make sure the pills go down properly.

"sure. i have to meet ashley somewhere today anyway. what hotel are you staying at?" the sizzling sound of the eggs against the hot pan is music to josh's ears. he makes a mental note to pick up jim from the dogsitter before joining nick and ashley for the ice cream. it'd be cool if the place she picks has dog friendly options for jim, he always misses out on the fun of food.

the pounding headache is definitely his karma for being so confident about downing 6 shots without breaking a sweat. "um... i don't remember the name. i have it on my phone, i think. it's really fancy though, has a huge chandelier on the lobby and a fountain up front," tyler tries to remember the name of the place but it seems to slip off of his tongue. could be another side effect from the alcohol poisoning his veins.

"is it one downtown?"

josh gets a nod as a response, a weak one at that. words are hard when the very act of thinking takes a toll on you.

"damn. you've got money then," he laughs as he splits the eggs between two plates, adding toast on the side. he ran out of bacon on wednesday. "i feel poor by just looking at the buildings when i drive past them."

"my publisher's got the money. i for one, am barely surviving. the starving artist."

carrying both plates and cutlery to the table is as easy as blinking to josh. he picked up a part time job as a waiter on a small italian place back in columbus over summer break back in 2020. he's got his skills down to a science. "don't you live in new york? isn't it expensive there?" he places a plate in front of tyler and one on the side next to him. "coffee or apple juice?"

"i'll take the coffee," tyler takes a bite out of the scrambled eggs. they're probably the best eggs he's ever had. "holy hell. these are amazing. it's a bit expensive, we probably pay more than it's worth."

the mug cabinet is filled with options. josh's got to quite a selection. his favorites are a disneyland mug from his sister ashley, a #1 dad mug from nick for last year's father's day and a singapore mug. he can't remember who gave it to him. it could be from his friend jon, he's always traveling the world. "well thank you. i pride myself when it comes to eggs. do you want any sugar?"

"hm..two sugars, please. i like it sweet."

"coffee with two sugars coming right up."

* * *

after breakfast, they get ready to leave the apartment and go on with their day. tyler's back in his clothes from last night. he can change to a new, fresh outfit in his hotel room. "hey, can i use your bathroom before we leave?" tyler already texted spencer to ask him about the hotel information. it's ridiculous how little he remembered about the place he's staying at.

"yup. it's down the hallway," josh replies while he prepares his backpack for the day.

thanks to his weak stomach he knows where the bathroom is. he still follows directions and arrives at his destination. he does what he needs to do, mostly try not to puke the eggs because of his hangover, and washes his hands afterwards. while getting back to josh's bedroom, tyler notices a door on the opposite end of the hallway. it peaks his interest since josh hasn't mentioned having a roommate or something of the sort at all.

he takes a look back at the bedroom, his host seems distracted enough. he slowly reaches for the doorknob and twists it. it's unlocked. the room is really hot and a little bit moist. there isn't much in said room. a bed without sheets over it, a few shelves collecting dust along with the items on them. there's pictures stuck on the wall, a little sun faded because of the lack of curtains on the window. tyler gets closer to see the pictures. he can recognize josh in most of them, his hair is dyed in different colors on a couple of them.

tyler didn't know he ever dyed his hair.

meanwhile, he can also recognize the rest of the soccer team. pete, dallon, ryan, jon, jack, alex...they're all there. one picture in particular sticks out. it has josh in it. there's somebody else too, and they're getting a kiss on the cheek from josh. the other person is so sun faded their face isn't easy to make up.

"are you alright?" josh's voice brings him back. tyler gets out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him. he re-enters josh's bedroom pretending like nothing happened.

"sorry. i thought i was gonna throw up again." the lie tastes bitter as soon as he speaks it. "i'm good now." he's not technically fully lying, but it feels dirty to hide the entire truth.

"great," a warm smile adorns josh's lips, "let's go, the traffic gets heavy at this hour." he pulls his backpack over his shoulder everything he needs is in there, including dog treats for jim in case there's no dog options at the ice cream place. even if nick never becomes his actual son, he still has jim to fill in that void in his heart.

now that they've got all of their things ready, the two long lost friends embark on their journey to another day. it's just like the good ol' times, the only difference is that they're more apart now than ever before.

* * *

tyler knocks on his hotel room door and gets greeted with a smiling spencer. he's pulled in and almost trips with the carpet. "what the hell was that for?" he groans in pain from how tight the grip on his arm was.

while he goes to sit on his bed, spencer shuts the door and sits on his own. "how did it go? did you guys kiss? did you have sex? oh my god. my little baby brother had drunken sex, oh god! did he at least use protection? you can't get pregnant but you _can_ get an std." it's safe to say spencer can often jump into conclusions quickly.

"spence! stop talking to loud." tyler whines and can still feel his head throbbing. "and no. we didn't have sex or kiss. he saw me throw up and then we cuddled until we fell asleep."

"that's lame," the agent lays down on the bed and stares at the ceiling, "i expected you to at least kiss him. i thought you had a lot of repressed feelings about him, ty. you didn't exactly forget him right away." sadly, spencer saw it all happen. he knows that even with awsten taking the role of tyler's partner, josh never left his mind. it was like a lingering pain in his heart for letting him go.

having the appointment in mind, tyler begins to gather his things to take a shower. he doesn't want want to smell like vomit at the interview. "it doesn't matter. he's probably moved on. i still doubt he ever liked me at all." a fresh set of clothes sounds like the best thing in the world right now. a nice warm shower too, but not too warm to cause him to sweat.

"oh my fucking... are you kidding me? babe, he literally went to youngstown to look for you! he probably lied to his parents just to find you and confess his love to you. how many guys do that?"

now the conversation has turned in the direction tyler didn't want to go in. he picks up some clothes and runs to the bathroom, but not before saying, "that still doesn't prove anything. awsten did the same." he closes and locks the door so spencer can't get in and taunt him. his head hurts too much to debate whether or not josh still likes him in any romantic form.

"you can't hide from the past, ty!" spencer bangs at the door with force, "josh isn't a throwaway guy! dude, i've read your poems. i doubt that ' _the guy with the hair made up of yellow flowers_ ' is about awsten."

water hitting the shower floor filters out the noise coming from the other side of the door. the last thing tyler wanted on this short trip back to ohio was remembering why he left in the first place. he dreads going to the interview now. taking into account how much the universe hates him, the interviewer might as well be his ex boyfriend.

* * *

"daddy!" the four year old boy runs to jump into josh's arms, his face full of joy at the sight of his pretend father.

josh picks him up and places a kiss on his forehead. "hey, bud. long time no see," he jokes and puts him back down on the floor. he looks up and his eyes meet ashley's. "sorry i'm late. jim didn't want to leave because he was playing with his friends." the dog sitting beside him barks in response. if he was standing, his tail would be wagging all around. in his defense, his dog friends are lots of fun.

"it's fine. i'm just glad you could come, baby," she walks over. she pets jim and presses a kiss to josh's cheek, putting her arms around his neck. it's odd that she's acting this way. the only time ashley ever acted in a romantic sense with him was when... the thought gets josh to scan the small crowd of people at the ice cream store. he notices a guy staring at them, his eyes giving off a sketchy vibe.

"i wouldn't miss an opportunity to see my beautiful wife," he fakes a lovely smile, puts his arms around her waist and pecks her lips for a brief moment. onlookers would assume they're together, they have successfully fooled many people in the past. in the beginning, when ashley was pregnant or nick was a newborn, it was for fun. then it became a defense mechanism. whenever either of them felt in trouble or uncomfortable around someone, they'd put the act up again to push those people away. this time is no different.

the man who was previously staring at ashley with hunger in his eyes scoffs and walks away from the establishment. on the other hand, nick stares up at the scene in front of him. he didn't know his pretend dad was dating his mom. they must've been lying to him all this time. he can't help but smile at the thought of josh being his dad once and for all.

"is he gone?" ashley whispers into josh's ear.

"yeah, he's gone," josh nods and lets go of her waist.

she does the same for his neck and sighs in relief. "thank god. he was creeping me out." she opens her purse and hands him a $20 bill. "you go in with nick and buy the ice cream, i'll stay here with jim." as if he got a cue, jim barks in excitement.

josh nods and leaves his backpack with her. he takes nick's hand, walking inside the shop with the 20 bucks in his other hand. "what kind of ice cream do you want, bud?" he asks nick as he sees the list of flavors displayed on screens next to the cashier. personally, he'll take cookie dough with hot fudge on top, and fortunately the place has a few dog options. jim is going to enjoy a nice peanut butter treat. he deserves it.

"cookies and cream! mommy wants strawberry," nick replies with starry eyes. he's waiting to question josh about the scene from a few minutes ago. he's a curious kid.

they proceed to order and pay, josh paying for jim's and his own ice creams with his money. while they wait for their food to be ready, sitting on a small table near the door, nick looks at josh and finally decides to speak. "daddy? are you and my mommy together?" he could've phrased it better, but again he's barely a little kid.

"together?" the question comes out of nowhere in josh's eyes. why would nick be asking such things?

"you kissed her."

"kiss... oh. that. listen bud, i only did it to make the weird guy looking at your mom go away. we aren't together."

an adult would understand what he means. it's a different thing with a child. nick nods, pretending he believes josh. people don't kiss unless they're together. this is all just another elaborate lie to fool the 4 year old. he puts on his most believable smile, "okay, daddy." he definitely got his deceiving skills from ashley.

josh doesn't bother in correcting him.

not long after, they get their ice cream. nick carries his and his mom's, excited to eat it all in one go. the two join ashley at the outdoor table. jim wags his tail when josh offers him his food. he waits until his dog is finished to eat himself. it's not like jim can use a spoon by himself, right?

"so," ashley begins to talk while she helps nick get some ice cream off his nose, "how did things go with tyler?"

"they went alright. we got to my place, he threw up, i cuddled with him, made him scrambled eggs in the morning... pretty uneventful," the brunet man answers honestly. he eats more of his ice cream, which tastes amazing, to avoid talking about the thoughts he had. it's inappropriate to tell them with a child present.

"who's tyler?"

ashley finishes cleaning nick up, allowing him to get back to his ice cream. "he's josh's friend, sweetheart," she takes a bite out of her strawberry ice cream, "you didn't...you know." she wiggles her eyebrows to further her meaning.

"we didn't. he was drunk, ash. i would never take advantage of him like that." jim licks at josh's arm, asking for treats. he can smell them in his backpack. josh gives in and hands him a few. he should've also packed jim's water bottle. oh well, josh can always give him his own. "i doubt he'd even want to do anything. he definitely doesn't like me that way anymore."

"how are you so sure?"

josh shrugs, "it's a hunch. we haven't seen each other in like 5 years. no one keeps a crush for that long."

the answer isn't what she wanted to hear. she rolls her eyes. "that's a lie, it's been 2 years since you were with..." ashley gets interrupted by nick tugging at her sleeve. she directs her gaze down at her kid. "what's wrong, nick?"

"m'done. can we go home now?" the cup of ice cream is empty, and he has smudges of the chocolate cookie around his mouth. saying nick is a messy eater is an understatement. that's something he got from his father.

"your uncle and i are talking, honey. let us finish talking first, okay?"

josh gives her a napkin to clean nick up. "it's okay. i have to take jim on a walk anyway. we can finish talking later." it isn't a lie, but he mostly wants to get out of the upcoming conversation. he'd rather run in the hot 92 degree weather than talk about how he still has a thing for tyler. he doesn't know that though.

fighting about this seems pointless, so ashley accepts. she takes the last few bites out of her ice cream and sighs, "fine. but you owe me this." she stands up from the table and throws away the trash on the nearby can. "c'mon, nick. maybe we can still catch up on daniel tiger if we get home fast enough." the mention of the tv show gets her kid excited. he gets up from the table and catches up with her.

"do you need a ride?" josh asks.

the blue haired woman shakes her head, readjusting her purse on her shoulder with one hand and holding nick's hand with the other. "nope. i drove us here. you owe me a visit to the dmv, by the way."

"right... i'll take you on tuesday."

she smiles, nodding with joy. "sounds good. say goodbye to your uncle, honey." she takes her car keys out of the front pocket of her purse as nick waves goodbye to josh and jim.

"bye, daddy! bye, jim!" nick enthusiastically says. he can't wait to get home to watch his show. if the sugar rush doesn't get to him first, he might be able to sit down and watch.

while they get into the car and drive away, josh stays at the ice cream shop. "looks like it's just you and me, jim." he once thought that talking to his dog was weird, but he's over that phase by now. when he's done with the food, he throws away the containers and gets his dog in the car. he should actually take jim out on a walk to burn the calories he just consumed. the days of constant soccer training and seemingly infinite workout sessions are long gone. it's a miracle that he's still somewhat in shape.

he gets in the front seat and turns the engine on. his mind comes back to tyler when the playlist he was listening to comes on the stereo. it's a sappy, romantic song. he groans in frustration and skips the song. why is his past coming back to haunt him? his karma must be really bad if the first love of his life is back in town and thriving without him. he wishes his life was simpler. having a boring 9-5 desk job with a wife and 2 kids sounds much better than having to contain himself from spilling his broken heart onto tyler's lap for him to fix.

life isn't that simple.

it's merely a matter of time before everything comes crashing down once more, and josh couldn't dread the outcome more. "why is my life this way, jim?" he speaks to his dog who's too busy watching the other cars to listen. jim barks at another dog in the car right beside them. "i guess you're right. i'll ask him later."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is one of my favorite chapters i've ever written


	79. june 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 79 chapters in, only 21 to go

josh is a night owl. well, at least he is one now. he's grown used to sleeping at 4 am thanks to work he has to do or just for the fun of it. there isn't a reason for him to be up right now at 2:38 am, but he is. he doesn't have any tutoring to do later on the day, staying up won't affect him terribly.

with jim sleeping by his side, he's got very little liberty to move since he doesn't want to wake him up. he's confined to scrolling down his boring instagram timeline until jim moves or wakes up to drink some water. he gets suggested a few people for him to follow, friends of friends or accounts he might like. he notices that tyler's account is being suggested to him, a few of his high school friends follow him. there isn't much thought to it but josh immediately presses the follow button.

it takes a few seconds for his action to sink in. "oh, shit," he whispers to himself to not catch much attention from jim as he continues to sleep.

not even a minute passes before he gets a follow from tyler in return. he's awake at this ungodly hour too... josh takes the opportunity to go into his account and check his posts out. there are many pictures of different cities around the world, cities like nashville and rome to name a couple. josh always wanted to fly around the world; it's cool to see tyler had the guts to adventure out and see new places. there's a few pictures of tyler with a crowd of people, and him holding up a book. the cover is coal black, the edges of the pages a blood shade of red.

it looks like the old journal. he wonders if he chose to have it be that way.

something makes him go into his messages and look up tyler in there. it seems like they haven't texted in 4 years, give it or take. while he swallows his pride and little sanity he has left for the night, josh opens the conversation and types a 'hi' into the chat. he sends it and hopes for the best.

 **tyler j.:** hi !  
**tyler j.:** i see that you're awake too

 **josh:** yeah. can't sleep  
**josh:** why are you awake?

 **tyler j.:** anxiety

 **josh:** i'm sorry, ty

 **tyler j.:** it's okay, i'm feeling better

 **josh:** how was your day?

 **tyler j.:** it was good. had an interview about my book. i think it went well.

 **josh:** oh damn, i forget i'm talking to a famous author

 **tyler j.:** i'm not that famous

 **josh:** you're famous to me

 **tyler j.:** well thank you. you're very kind  
**tyler j.:** i need to go to sleep soon btw  
**tyler j.:** i have a book signing tomorrow  
**tyler j.:** today? time's weird

 **josh:** really? i'd love to go and see you

 **tyler j.:** you don't have to...  
**tyler j.:** but i can send you the info in the morning

 **josh:** okay!! i'll see you there

 **tyler j.:** yeah. can't wait!  
**tyler j.:** goodnight, josh

 **josh:** goodnight, ty  
  


the inside of josh's stomach feels like it's full of butterflies tickling at his sides. he giggles like a teenager in love. his cheeks feel hot and probably have a red shade on them as if he put on makeup to get them that color. it's been ages since he's felt like this about someone. of course it's tyler who makes his knees who weak and his heart do cartwheels after being numb to love for a long time. 

he cannot wait to see his beautiful face later in the day.

* * *

"your food is here, mr. urie," one of the many people working in the penthouse says to the man with his eyes focused on a laptop screen.

"mhm, thank you, enzo," brendon mumbles, his eyes are dry from staring at his computer for so long, "send it over." when his employee leaves the office room, he takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. he lets out a long sigh. god knows how much time he's spent inside his office working. he's been up since before sunrise. the sun was glimmering on the buildings outside his window when he already had a lot of work done.

sleep has lost its meaning and importance to him. most of his clients live over on the other side of the world, so most times he's got to be up at weird hours for business calls. usually a 2 hour nap is enough to keep him going. it's not like he could sleep if he had a normal schedule anyway. his nightmares and anxious dreams keep him up too often. he has no one to help him through those. a pack of red bull and a few naps will do for now.

his phone buzzes next to his third cup of coffee of the day. the caller id reads _momma dun_. that's a name he hasn't seen in a while. he picks up and puts it on speaker. he talks first. "hello?" many thoughts go through his head about what the call could be about. the last time he talked to laura dun he was in tears about to get on an airplane. not the best last impression.

"hello, dear." hearing her kind voice again...it brings tears to his eyes. calling the strange feeling going through his veins unfamiliar is an understatement. "how are you doing?"

"i've been alright..." he says without much thought even if he's feeling far from alright, "how have you been?"

she pauses before replying, "i've had calmer times. it's been quite hectic. abbie's in kindergarten already. she's turned into a rowdy little kid. i still can't believe she's 5. it seems that yesterday she was barely learning how to walk." picturing the youngest dun child already in school is so weird. brendon can remember her as a small newborn as if it happened the day before. he can't even imagine how big jordan and ashley are either. in his mind they'll always be too young for the real world.

"oh wow. she's really grown up. i thought she wouldn't get into school until next year. tell her i said hi, please?"

"don't worry, i will, sweetheart. i'm sure you're wondering why i called you. as you know, bill and i have a fourth of july celebration every year, but we couldn't do it for a while after abbie was born. we're bringing it back this year and we'd love for you to join us.'' brendon's quite sure laura knows the repercussions of him going back to ohio. he hasn't touched american soil ever since he moved to singapore. going back for the holiday sounds...dangerous.

''um...i appreciate the invitation, mrs. dun. i doubt i'll be able to go though. there's so many things i need to do...'' it's a little bit of a lie. he could fit it into his schedule. he could miss one meeting with a client to go and visit his surrogate parents and not have it make a big impact in his monthly revenue. the issue is what comes with traveling back 'home'.

the quiet ''oh'' from laura breaks his heart. it really seems like she thought he'd say yes. ''it's alright, dear. we understand. the invitation is still open if you decide to change your mind.'' the same butler that previously came into the office a few minutes before comes back with the food brendon ordered. ironic to order sushi from a restaurant when you have an amazing cook from japan to do it for you at your disposal. sometimes you need to eat takeout after a tough time. the butler places the food on the desk along with a glass of whiskey. his employees know him too well.

enzo, the butler, tries not to interrupt much and avoids listening to the conversation. whatever things his boss is dealing with isn't of his interest unless his boss actively tells him about it. it's safe to say he's the favorite out of all the employees. but that's neither here nor there. ''thank you, mrs. dun,'' brendon nods to enzo that he can leave since he doesn't need anything else, ''if i have time, i'll stop by.''

''okay. i have to go now before abbie wakes up, but don't mind calling us if you need anything." laura dun has always been, and still is, one of the sweetest people on this earth. it's heartwarming to know she's still looking out for him after all these years.

he opens one of the takeout boxes and pulls out some chopsticks from the bag. he cannot remember the last time he had a full meal this weekend. three shots of tequila and a sandwich count as a meal, right? "i definitely will. thank you, mrs. dun. have a good day."

"goodbye, dear. have a great rest of your day." and with that, the call is over. not having mrs. dun's warm presence, ignoring the fact that it was just over the phone, already feels bad. the only thing brendon has to keep him company as he eats his sushi all alone in his office is a blank document open in his laptop. when people told him that being a young billionaire living in one of the most important and expensive cities in the world would be the best times of his life, this isn't what he had in mind.

none of his harvard textbooks prepared him for this creeping loneliness. he pulls up his calendar for the month of july on his computer. almost all of the days have a color coded event on them. he eats a couple of the sushi pieces as he phones his assistant. "shehan, i need you to clear up my schedule for the week of the fourth of july," he says with a mouthful of sushi he downs with his whiskey, "yes i know i have a meeting with mr. koh on the sixth, but i don't care. i need that week off. what do you mean am i going crazy? can't a guy take a break without getting yelled at by his assistant?

"jesus, shehan. do you kiss your mother with that mouth? fucking nasty. just do this for me, okay? i'll still pay you for that week and i'll double it so you stop whining. thank you! you're the best assistant i could've asked for. you may go back to your dinner now. tell the wife and kids i said hi. g'night." he takes another bite out of his sushi and looks proudly at himself in the reflection of his computer. it seems like brendon urie is going back to ohio.

* * *

saying that josh isn't the best with timings is a completely incorrect statement. he's always on time...for the most part. he still tries to be there on time though. yet, somehow, he's late for tyler's book signing. he's the last person in line, only a few people are left in front of him. he bought the book as soon as he stepped foot inside the bookstore. while he waits for his turn, he flips through the pages of the poetry book.

it's a gorgeous book, aesthetically speaking. the black cover and red page edges really remind him of the journal tyler used to have. he wonders if tyler still has it. the poems inside the book are really beautiful. josh's got to admit he was on the verge of crying to some of them. it makes him so proud to see that tyler decided to share his heart with the world in such a vulnerable way.

"next!" the bookstore employee tells him as he's the last person on the queue.

he walks forward to the table where his dear friend is sitting at. "hi," he shyly says as he hands tyler his copy of the book for him to sign, "i'm a big fan of your work, mr. joseph."

comparing the absolutely precious blush tyler has on his cheeks is practically impossible. how are the fluorescent lights from the store making him appear even more attractive? "oh, you are? i'm glad to hear that," tyler reads the post-it note attached to the first page of the book so he knows what name to sign it for and then looks back up at josh, "it makes me really happy that you enjoy my work, joshua."

"just call me josh. no need to be formal," josh chuckles. he watches in awe as tyler signs his book. it must be pretty weird to sign something you've put so much hard work on for someone else to cherish it later on. once tyler hands it back to him, he puts it in his backpack and looks over at the security guard protecting the young author. "so... i was wondering when you have to go back to new york or your next signing or whatever."

tyler thinks for a second and shrugs, "i'm not sure. i'd have to ask spencer. why?"

"well, my family is kinda having a thing for the fourth of july. i wanted to invite you to it. and spencer too if he wants to come."

being invited to an event that wasn't organized for him doesn't seem like something tyler is used to, because he's really surprised at the invitation. "oh. i-i'd love to go. i'll ask spence if we can stay over for it."

"great!"

"sir, if you're done with your signing, you need to step out of the line. we're closing," the security guard tells josh before the two guys can keep bonding.

"don't worry," tyler dismisses him and gets up from the table, grabbing josh's hand afterwards, "he's with me. thank you for your help." he drags josh to the back of the store where spencer is talking to one of the workers and has the most hopeful light in his eyes. "spence," he interrupts the conversation, "do we have anything planned for the next few weeks?"

spencer raises his eyebrow in curiosity. he takes a quick glance at the man standing next to his friend. it's good old josh. he smiles to himself. of course tyler would invite him over to the signing. "not that i know of. the next one isn't until july 17th. why?" he feels bad for the poor employee stuck in conversation limbo until tyler gets the response he wants or needs.

"josh is inviting us to his family's fourth of july party. can we go, please?"

"i don't see why not. we're free after all," spencer nods and turns his head to talk to josh, "thanks for the invitation, man."

the man shakes his head and chuckles once, "it's nothing. thought you guys might want some fun before getting back to work." josh notices that tyler still has his hand intertwined with his own. it's a nice feeling. sadly, it ends once tyler hugs him when spencer continues to talk to the worker.

"thank you for coming, josh," tyler says with the biggest smile on his face, "it means a lot. will you text me the details of the party later?"

for once in his life, josh's left speechless. he hugs tyler back before replying with "why don't we discuss them over dinner tomorrow?". it's the most daring thing he's said to anyone probably ever. did he just invite his old crush on a date? to discuss a family gathering out of all things? oh god. what has he gotten himself into?

"s-sure!" the blush in tyler's cheeks is back in full force. he hasn't been on a date in years. having his first one with josh ends up being quite fitting. "i'd love to discuss them over dinner tomorrow. text me those details?"

"will do," josh kisses his cheek to finish giving tyler heart palpitations and puts on a small smirk on his lips, "i'll see you tomorrow, ty."

the kiss on the cheek seems to be the thing that made tyler's heart explode for good. he's frozen in place. he can hear the blood rushing from his heart to his ears, making them bright red like his cheeks. "right... see you tomorrow, josh."

as he walks away, josh can't help but look forward to telling ashley about this. she's going to freak out when she finds out that her former shy, selective friend is out here in the world kissing a guy's cheeks and asking him on dates. he'll tell jim as soon as he gets home though. a guy's best friend is his dog after all. maybe he'll help him choose what to wear to the date.

before he gets back in his car to drive home, he stops dead in his tracks and murmurs to himself, "holy shit. i've got a date with tyler joseph." it seems too good to be true.

he takes a look back at the bookstore. he can see tyler packing up his things near the window displaying many books in stock. just a glance of his stunning existence is enough to make him tell himself, "i've got a date with tyler joseph!"

life is going pretty good for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all are ready for what's to come ;)
> 
> and idk about y'all but i missed brendon being in the story


	80. june 27

in all fairness, the last time tyler had a date was... he can't remember, but it was a long time ago. it was probably with a random girl in london or a guy he met at an interview in toronto. either way, it wasn't great. none of the people he tried to date seemed to like him enough to ask for a second one. until now, he's accepted the fact that he's undesirable.

nonetheless, he's over the moon to go on a date with josh. it's a date, right? it's not just two guys being friends and going out to get dinner. this is far more than that. all day long, he's been thinking about what he'll wear or what he'll say. he doesn't even think this hard about writing his new book, and that's his only way of income.

"do you think i should wear my green jacket? is it too casual?" tyler asks spencer who isn't paying much attention to him since he's on a phone call. he isn't quite sure who could be calling spencer. by the look on his manager's face, it can't be a good phone call.

spencer mumbles a few words into his phone and then hangs up with a sad expression on his face. he throws his phone on the bed and finally pays attention to tyler. "sorry. what did you ask me?"

"should i wear my green jacket tonight?"

"for what?"

tyler doesn't blame him for not remembering. god knows the amount of things are going on inside his friend's head. besides, no one cares about his stupid little date with josh. he's probably making a big deal out of nothing. "my date? with josh? he asked me out yesterday at my signing? you were there, remember?"

"oh! right. sure, it looks good on you," spencer nods along and grabs the nearest water bottle to take a big chug out of it. somehow, he still looks lost. it only makes tyler's curiosity peak more. what was said in that call?

"is everything okay? who was that?" the older man appreciates the worry. it's clear that tyler cares about him and anything that makes him even remotely upsets him.

he thinks about his answer first. spencer's eyes meet tyler's. it's good that the poor guy is sitting down already. "grace. she asked if you have your manuscript ready." the mention of grace's name is more than enough to raise the tension in the room. knowing how strict the woman is, tyler's anxiety levels begin to rise up.

grace is his publisher, if you will. she's the one who took a chance on him and accepted his poetry book when it was in its rough drafting stages. basically, tyler owes his entire career to her. that doesn't mean the fact that she called demanding for an update on tyler's new book is anything good. his manuscript should've been sent weeks ago, but he needed more time to get it done. thankfully, grace blessed him with more time to finish it.

it seems like his time is up.

"my manus...oh god!" tyler exclaims, "damn it. i-i haven't gotten to it yet. oh god, oh god. i completely forgot about it. what else did she say?"

judging by his reaction, spencer would rather not tell every single detail of the call. he skips over the not so nice words and various threats for his client's sake. "well... she said that she wants it on her desk by july 4th."

"what?! that's next week! i can't get it done by then! i'm still missing a lot of parts and the title!" his words are accompanied by heavy breathing and spiraling thoughts. tyler cannot let his new book deal go. he's barely scrapping enough money to survive when you take into account that he's paid for his own plane ticket every single trip while keeping up with his apartment's rent back in new york. without his next paycheck, he won't be able to go back to said apartment.

things aren't looking good. spencer sits next to him and tries to coach him through breathing exercises to calm down his uneasy thoughts. "hey, remember what we practiced. breathe in for 5 seconds," he begins to speak before tyler's hyperventilation stops him dead on his tracks.

"spence, we'll be homeless... we'll have nowhere to go and it's all my fault for not finishing that stupid book." breathing has become the hardest task to exist.

"no we won't. it's going to be okay. breathe with me." the eldest of the two continues on with the breathing patterns he's memorized. they've come in handy whenever tyler needs to get out of a panic attack or his own nerves start to act up. not long after, tyler starts to copy his movements. they breathe in and out, taking their time with it.

it doesn't take much time before tyler has come down from his never ending thoughts. he isn't hyperventilating anymore, and the tears that were forming in his eyes are long gone. "c-can you ask her for an extension?" he quietly asks as he keeps on the breathing exercises. he doesn't feel like the world is collapsing on him, but it's better to be safe than sorry. to safe himself the risk of getting back into his attack, he doesn't look spencer in the eye as he answers his question.

"another extension?" spencer scratches the back of his neck nervously, "i don't know if i can do that. she already gave you one, babe. i doubt she'll agree to another one." this isn't the answer tyler needs. he knows that. he doesn't want to lie though. sometimes it's better to hear the truth even if it hurts. "i'll see what i can do. but you better get to finishing that damned thing as soon as you can, okay? maybe you finish it sooner than you think."

"without a title it's worthless."

"okay, who says that? i'm sure many books never had a set title at the very beginning. do you think that shakespeare came up with hamlet on his first draft?"

"that's literally the guy's name, spence. what else could've been the title?"

"you're the literary guy. why are you asking me?"

coming down from an anxiety attack, a bit of humor is what tyler needs. he chuckles at the comment and sighs. the inside of his brain feels like it might implode. "please ask grace for an extension. i swear i'll have it done by then. i... i need more time."

spencer nods and kisses his friend's forehead as reassurance. he's hopeful for his friend's career. not only because his own paycheck depends on it, but because he knows he's full of potential. people like oscar wilde and ernest hemingway are nothing compaired to tyler. "first thing i do as soon as you get out of here is to ask her about it, okay? speaking of, we need to pick you an amazing outfit. this is your first date since that asshole from dublin. it needs to be extra special."

"oh god. i'd forgotten about him," tyler shakes his head while the memory of that terrible guy comes up in his mind. that's probably the worst date he's ever had. it's a big deal when you take into account that he unknowingly went out with a drug dealer that tried to get him into bed without his consent. his track record isn't the best, but at least now he'll have a good person in his list.

josh dun is his date. the guy who he fantasized about dating when he was young is his date tonight. it seems so surreal. none of this feels like it's actually happening. as spencer helps him pick out his clothes, tyler stops every few minutes to write down ideas for his book. most of the ideas are brought to his consciousness thanks to the butterflies he feels in his stomach. he's missed feeling this way. the last time he had butterflies inside of him was when he went on his last date with awsten, the date that proved to be fatal by the breakup speach he received in the end. that was the day the butterflies stopped flying.

be that as it may, he doesn't blame awsten for the breakup. who would ever want to spend time with him? shortly aftet this question pops into existence, he cannot let it evaporate away. his insecurities are taking the best of him and turning into mush. suddenly his outfit doesn't look good enough, his face isn't right and his personality appears to be fake. how on earth is josh attracted to him in any sort of way? he's nothing. he's no better than that guy from dublin or that drug dealer.

his mindset has been set for the night. he waits anxiously until it's 7 pm. josh texts him that he's only a few minutes away from the hotel. he says his goodbyes to spencer, only receiving a small lecture about how he must be careful and how he's only a phone call away if anything goes south. he leaves the room with everything he needs. as he approaches the elevator to go down to the lobby, he spots a couple out of the corner of his eye. they seem so in love.

tyler wishes he could be in love. _it_ _must_ _be_ _nice_ _to_ _be_ _in_ _love_ , he thinks.

* * *

josh isn't ready. the nervousness in him is building up. he can't believe this is happening. to prepare for tonight's date, he spent all day at ashley's house with jim as he panicked about everything. ashley, being the amazing friend she is, helped him get ready and practice a few scenarios. josh hasn't exactly gone out on a real date in a while. his flirting skills still need some practice.

he parks in front of the hotel, waiting for tyler to come out and join him in the car. he doesn't wait for long since his date approaches his car a few seconds afterwards. "wow," he says once tyler gets in the car and closes the door, "you look stunning." the green jacket really suits him.

"thank you," tyler blushes, "you look very handsome yourself."

after the small interaction, they stay silent for a moment as each one gathers the courage to say something else. "are you ready to go?" josh asks, whilst he turns the car engine back on.

"more ready than ever."

with that, josh leaves the hotel premises and drives to the restaurant he made reservations at. ashley helped him pick it out, with nick contributing a few things to the choice. it's one of josh's favorite spots in the city. the food and atmosphere are more than perfect. it'll be good to be at a familiar place for a date such as this one. he needs all the moral support he can get.

during the car ride they have small talk about the weather and how they both hate the song each station on the radio seems to be playing at the same time. once they arrive at the restaurant, josh makes sure to get out first and open tyler's door for him. "after you, ty," josh winks at him, causing his date to blush for the second time so far.

"that's very kind of you, josh. thank you." tyler stops himself from kissing his cheek. it's too early in the night to do that. the two walk inside the restaurant and are guided to their table. josh specifically requested for a table on the balcony that's beautifully decorated with hanging lights. it oversees the buildings around the establishment. definitely the most beautiful view of the cincinnati downtown area tyler has seen.

shortly after sitting down, their waiter comes up to ask for their drink orders. josh orders a plain glass of water. after all, he's the one driving. he might ask for a beer if the water bores him, but he knows he'll have to wait for the alcohol to pass through his system before he touches the car wheel. "i'll have a mineral water please," tyler says to the waiter, who leaves when she writes it down on his notepad.

"mineral water? how fancy. i feel bad about my peasant water now," the older man jokes looking at the menu to choose his order. most of the time he asks for chicken wings. that might be awkward to eat in front of tyler. he resigns himself to order boneless wings since he can eat those with a fork. not as messy as eating his usual.

pointing out that his choice of drink is out of the ordinary makes tyler's anxiety spike up a little. "i... i think it tastes better.." he speaks very softly. one wrong move and josh might dump him in the middle of dinner.

josh notices he made tyler feel bad. he puts his hand over tyler's, the one that's casually playing with the edges of the menu, and squeezes it carefully. "hey, it's okay. i was joking. you didn't do anything wrong. i'm sorry that i made you feel like you did."

"okay. i'm sorry." tyler gulps. their date just began and he's ruining it already.

"you don't have to apologize. it was my fault. i promise you're okay," the warmth in josh's smile comforts him, "do you know what you wanna eat yet? i'm thinking of boneless. what about you?"

tyler shakes his head and opens the menu. everything in it looks appetizing. he checks out the burger section. the blue cheese beef burger stands out to him. "i think i'll get this one," he points to the picture as his menu lays flat on the table so josh can see it.

"oh my god! that one is amazing. ask for extra blue cheese though. you won't regret it." knowing that his choice of food made josh somewhat proud makes him feel better. it's a small thing, but it means a lot to tyler.

"does it come with fries?" he asks, not seeing the option anywhere on the burger pages.

"it doesn't. but we can share some. my boneless don't come with fries either." josh goes to the appetizer section and shows his date the item of fries. it's a bummer they don't come included in their meals, but considering that the extra plate of fries is pretty big, it's worth to ask for some.

"sounds good." the adorable smile on tyler's lips makes josh's heart swell. he's so glad he asked him out, even though it what he had planned.

not long after, their waiter comes back with their drinks. the lovebirds order their food and wait for it to be ready by engaging in some more small talk. tyler is the one who initiates the conversation this time. "so," he begins, "you're a teacher, right?"

"you've got that right," josh nods.

"how come you're not working at a school? you seem like you'd be the best one at the job."

to be honest, josh doesn't have an answer to that. he's given different reasons why every time someone asks him. "i dunno. i didn't apply to work at any school after graduation. i sorta just...wanted to do my own thing for a while. one of my neighbors asked me to tutor his kid at the time anyway, so i guess i had a job already. i still hope i get hired at that private school i told you about. although that would mean i don't get to tutor much anymore."

"maybe you can still tutor. it can be your hobbie that happens to pay as well."

"i hadn't really thought about it that way. hm, i'll see when the time comes. maybe i'll teach one of your books in my class."

"no.. my book isn't good enough to be taught." he really believes that. no matter how many people tell him they love his book or the sales numbers that keep growing, his book is a waste of paper in his eyes. tyler's confidence is really underground tonight.

"you're very wrong there. i read half of it yesterday. it was really good. your writing is amazing, babe." that last part comes out of his mouth before he can process it. praising ashley's paintings as he calls her pet names has conditioned him to do the same for almost everyone. tyler isn't the exception, apparently.

calling him a pet name only brings a peachy blush to tyler's cheeks. "t-thank you. you've never called me that before."

"there's a first time for everything. who knows maybe you'll call me something else by the end of the night too." he didn't intend for this teasing to sound as sexual as it did, but it's too late for that now. josh regrets it immediately. ''i-i mean.. i didn't mean _that_. i... oh my god.'' he hides his face in his hands. he wishes the earth would open up and swallow him whole. tyler didn't ruin the date, but josh just might've done that.

''it's okay, josh. i know what you mean," now tyler's the one laughing and comforting his date. the thought of anything sexual with josh had never crossed his mind before. well, at some point it did, but that's a story for another time. a few more minutes of talking go by and their food arrives. both of them being quite hungry, they focus on mostly eating and having conversation on the side. josh wasn't joking when he said asking for extra blue cheese would make the burger even better.

this is definitely the best date the two of them have ever had. no need to put up a screen of their best attributes to seem appealing to the other person, no need to pretend to be interested in what the other person is talking about. it's tyler and josh. they know that they care deeply about each other, even with a mouth full of fries that makes them look goofy. it seems like those 4 years of silence never happened.

now they only have to wonder what'll come next, and neither of them are ready for what that entails.

* * *

josh parks in the same spot in front of the hotel as he did a few hours ago. this time, however, his nerves are long gone. they've been replaced by a weird type of confidence. he takes a look at tyler, still sitting in the passenger seat. tyler's eyes meet his. "thank you for going out with me. i had a lot of fun," josh smiles at his date, fully expecting him to blush.

his prediction comes true because tyler's cheeks flame up with red shades for the millionth time in the night. "thank you for inviting me," he fumbles with the hem of his shirt, averting his gaze so josh doesn't he how his words have made him blush this much. his plan is undone when josh lifts his chin up back to face him.

their eyes meet once more. the silence of the streets is quite unnerving yet endearing. both lean a little bit closer. hot, heavy breaths come out of their mouths in anticipation. josh places his hand over tyler's thigh, still holding his chin up with the other one. "tyler, i..." he's promptly cut off by the younger man's lips crashing against his.

it begins as a calm, spur of the moment kiss. to no one's surprise it turns into something else rather quickly. tyler moves closer towards josh as to satisfy his need for more, more of josh and everything he's missed for almost half a decade. he can't believe he ever let the wonderful guy pressing his lips against his own go. now with him closer, the older man can wrap his arms around the small of his date's back. he, like tyler, is hungry for so much more.

nobody has sparked this insatiable feeling inside of him in a long time.

sadly, tyler pulls away when he feels his lungs beginning to run out of air. he pants heavily, resting his forehead against josh's. both are speechless. it's safe to say they haven't done this before. "thank you for tonight, josh," he manages to say between panting and trying to make sense of what just happened.

"you... you're welcome," josh replies, also looking inside his head for answers.

"text me tomorrow, okay? we should do this more often." neither are sure if tyler's talking about the date or the kiss, not that it matters anyway since both are great options. with one last kiss on josh's cheek, tyler gets out of the car with a shouted, "goodnight!"

josh waits until he sees him get inside the hotel and receives a text that he made it to his room safely a minute later before driving back home. he didn't drink a single drop of alcohol at all tonight but he does feel tipsy and like he's floating. he can't wait to tell ashley about this. she's going to lose her mind the same way she did when josh told her about the date. maybe she'll be more excited after josh mentions the kiss.

his fingers graze over his lips, being as delicate as they can. tyler kissed him. without much push from josh. the first love of his life kissed him, and quite passionately at that. he smiles to himself. he can feel himself falling once again for that beautiful guy who never seemed to leave his mind. tyler's gaining control of it once more. josh isn't complaining. he likes being in love.

being in love with tyler joseph was the best thing that could've happened to him, and it's happening again. his life can't get any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it finally happened, y'all!! after 80 chapters joshler finally went out on a date fjdodj i'm sorry it took so long


	81. june 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember that all cops are bastards, kids!

all night long josh tossed and turned around his bed. his brain never wanted to turn off to sleep. now at 9 am, he feels like he's dying. he's drinking a cup of coffee to get through the day. he doesn't understand why he couldn't sleep, but his main idea is yesterday's date. he cannot stop thinking about it, about tyler and the kiss. he'd kissed tyler before, this wasn't his first time. still, something about this one makes his heart beat a thousand times faster.

he's tempted to ask him out again today, it seems too soon though. tyler could have other plans. one day he doesn't see him won't hurt. at least that's what he's telling himself.

josh puts his coffee aside and opens up his laptop to get some work done. it may be the beginning of summer vacation but one of his students asked him for extra help on his ap history class. the kid doesn't need extra help, in josh's opinion, he's already top of his class but nowadays you can't never be too good. while he types away on his computer, jim begins to play with some of his toys in the living room.

being awake so early, josh already walked him around the neighborhood, twice actually, meaning that jim has gotten most of his energy out. he entertains himself, although he knows that josh might need some fresh air and take him out again after lunch. in summary, jim is living his best dog life.

the cell phone on the counter starts to ring when josh is writing out a quiz to send to his student. he gets up from his chair and gets to it before the call ends up in voicemail. he doesn't see the caller id when he accepts the call. ''hello?'' he talks into the device while going back to the dining room table. out of all people who could call him, he never expected this person to call him out of nowhere.

'' _hey, man!_ '' the one and only pete wentz says on the other side of the line with an enthusiastic tone. after graduation, the whole soccer team lost touch. the only few people who kept talking were josh, jon and someone else. josh forgets who.

''oh, hey. what's up? why are you calling me out of nowhere?'' usually whenever pete wants to get in contact he calls ashley instead. whatever reason he has to call him must be pretty important.

some background noise interrupts the call. pete seems to talk to someone before returning to the call. '' _i wanted to ask you about the fourth of july party. dall and i are gonna go but we kinda need to make a road trip for it. do you need any groceries from boston by any chance?_ ''

''what? how do you know about the party?''

'' _uh, your mom invited us. i think she like, invited everyone in the soccer team from senior year. didn't you know?_ ''

''clearly not! what... oh my god,'' he messes up his own hair and fixes it again with his left hand since his right one is holding the phone. why did his mom invite his old high school friends? he doesn't even have many of their numbers anymore. why does his mom have them? ''who else did she invite?''

'' _as far as i know, she asked patrick, ryan, alex, jack, jon, dall, me obviously, and some other people. i'm not sure who's said yes, but me and dal are so in._ ''

knowing his mom, she did it out of the kindness of her heart. however that doesn't count when your whole past life is coming back all at once. ''okay. um, i don't know any of the logistics. call my mom for that.'' it's weird to refer his friend to his mom, it's like he's back in elementary school and everything was his parents' responsibility. now that he's thinking about it, that's what they're experiencing with his youngest sister. weird how that works.

'' _got it. cool. see you soon, bro._ '' pete isn't a man of many words, so he hangs up immediately after saying his goodbyes. honestly josh is grateful for that.

he puts his phone on the table next to his laptop and looks back at jim playing in his own little world. the dog looks up from his toy and tilts his head. for some reason, josh swears that jim can understand him whenever he talks or even his moods alone. it can't be explained. he can feel it in his heart and that's all that matters. the dog walks over to him and lets out a cry. josh pets him and gives him a weak smile before going back to the kitchen for some treats.

jim wags his tail in excitement for the treat. not even a minute later, josh comes back with a handful of dried chicken breast and asks him to sit and speak. being such a well trained dog, jim sits on the dining room wooden floor and proceeds to bark. "you're such a good boy. here, catch," josh chuckles to himself and throws the treats one by one so his furry companion can catch them. neat little trick that took way more practice than you'd think.

once the treat transaction is done, jim returns to his toys in the living room while josh resumes his work. josh can't imagine what he'd be without jim's company. it's fortunate that he got him right before he started to live on his own. he doesn't like to think about that time. his life was very different back then, and it's only been 2 years.

what would 20 year old josh say if he saw him right now? he'd probably kill him for being an idiot, first thing on the agenda. aside from that, he'd probably congratulate him on pulling through with college. the list isn't that long since he can't think of any other things to add to it.

however, 20 year old josh isn't what he should be worrying about. his parents' fourth of july party is coming closer and closer, bringing 18 year old josh along. that part of his life is a whole other story; a story that hasn't met its end yet by the looks of it. he wishes that no people from his old friend group other than pete and dallon show up.

tyler being in the same time spacetime continuum as his friends from senior year could break reality. he can only hope that nothing bad happens. maybe his wishes become true.

* * *

it's 9 pm on the other side of the world. the city only keeps getting prettier and prettier as the night begins. it never gets old in brendon's eyes. like he always does, he dines alone. today's dinner includes a whole pizza for himself with a bottle of wine, his personal favorite meal on a particularly lonely day.

one of his clients invited him to a party for the launch of something like a new app or a new acquisition –brendon can't remember and he can't be bothered to–. he declined and now he sits alone in his huge bedroom while a rerun episode of brooklyn nine nine plays in the tv hung on his wall. the tv itself is bigger than him, takes up most of that wall's space.

as he downs his 4th glass of wine, he picks up his phone and calls his assistant, shehan. when his assistant answers the phone, he immediately begins to babble, "shehan! dude! i need you to book me a flight to columbus. first class. yes a round trip. yes to columbus! come on! it's just one trip. excuse me? i'm not drunk, you're drunk!"

how dare shehan assume this is all a drunken impulse? sure, he's bought a multi-million dollar company while high as a kite and drunk out of his mind thanks to vodka, but that has only happened once. okay twice. shehan still has no right to think this is a game.

"listen to me, dude. i need to go to columbus. yes i know he's there! no i'm not that desperate. his mom invited me to a fourth of july celebration. i like her, okay? that's why i'm going, not because i want to make out and have sex with him. that's too childish, even for me." he pauses to drink the rest of the wine straight out of the bottle. glasses are dumb anyway. he rolls his eyes as his assistant rambles on about how this is a terrible idea. what does shehan know about love? he may be married to a wonderful woman and has adorable children but that's nothing compared to what brendon's experiencing.

with a mouthful of red wine and greasy pepperoni pizza he interrupts shehan. "do you think i give a damn about what my dad says? if i want to fly to columbus to have gay sex with... hey! shut up! you're not letting me finish! you're making me sound like the bad guy! ...ugh, fine! i'll do whatever the hell you want for the rest of the year! give me as many boring ass meetings as you can, i'll deal with them. just..." he sighs and swears tears are forming in his eyes. everything is getting to be too much. the wall he built for the past 2 years keeps crumbling down and god knows what could come in.

"please let me do this. i need to. i-i... thank you. i owe you, dude," he sniffs and takes a bite out of his current pizza slice, "sorry for bothering you so late again. tell the wife and kids i said hi. but like, actually do it. okay. see you tomorrow."

calls with shehan along the years have become quite pleasant. brendon's got to admit that his assistant is an amazing guy. without him, he'd be far more than lost. he continues watching his show and thinks about the things he'll do when he steps foot back in his hometown.

maybe he'll visit his parents, or maybe he'll go out to a bar to drown his jet lag with alcohol. either way, he just hopes he runs into him. that's all he truly wants.

* * *

ashley spends most of her time painting in her office. she's been commissioned for a new artwork for the grand opening of a new office building downtown. the management didn't give her many instructions, which is very surprising for a corporate place. most of the time she has to do certain techniques or only a few specific colors. as long as she gets a paycheck, it doesn't matter to her what the business geeks want.

she's about to touch up a few things on the painting before letting it dry completely when nick comes running from the living room to the office. "mommy! m'hungry!" he frowns with his bunny stuffed animal hanging from his left arm. it's the only thing his biological dad gave him aside from possible childhood trauma and mediocre child support.

"we already ate lunch, sweetie," ashley chuckles while she puts her palette and brush aside to pick him up. once he's in her arms, she kisses his forehead to try to get rid of his frown, but her effort is in vain.

the answer doesn't convince him. "i want food!"

"you can't eat too much or you'll get sick."

"daddy gives me cookies," he keeps frowning and looking away from her face. the little kid is truly mad at the fact that his own mother won't let him eat as much food as he wants whenever he wants.

"your da-... do you mean your uncle josh?" when nick nods in response she shakes her head and sighs. knowing that josh is conditioning nick to eat mostly sugary food after a healthy lunch isn't great for their friendship. she'll definitely have a talk with him the next time he comes around. "jesus... nick, you can't just eat cookies whenever you want. you need to eat lots of fruits and vegetables to get big and strong."

"like daddy?"

nick's answers are as predictable as they get. "sure. like josh."

in a weird way, this seems to work. the chance of being even remotely like his pretend dad is quite appealing. after all, he's the best guy to ever exist in nick's eyes. why? he takes care of him, he reads him bedtime stories, he gives him cookies, he plays with him... his biological dad —although his mom calls him many not so nice names— hasn't done any of those. it also doesn't help his actual dad's case that josh is dating his mom. he saw it with his own two eyes.

"you're gonna let me paint now, honey?"

"mhm," the little boy agrees and goes back to the living room to watch his tv show after his mom puts him back down on the floor. he entertains himself with the toys around himself too. his imagination is big enough for him go let himself get lost in it for hours on end. it's quite convenient when ashley has to finish her artworks, like today.

she takes back her palette and brush from her desk to finish the details of the painting once and for all. her mind starts to wonder how josh is coping today. when his date finished, he called her and spilled all the details. needless to say that she lost her mind with the story. it makes her happy to know that josh has found someone who makes him happy, in a romantic sense.

after all these years of seeing him struggle to find someone to love, it's comforting to know he's found his other half. she knows that josh doesn't like talking about a certain person he dated, which is why she's resigned to pretend as if those 3 years of his life never happened. it's not her business anyway. why would she care?

nevertheless, she's content with just sharing her life with nick. being in a relationship with preston taught her that she can only count on herself to make herself happy, and to always wear protection too. as her inner monologue of ideas comes to and end, so does her final touches to the painting. she takes a few steps back and assesses the situation.

perfect is the only word that comes to mind and that pleases her. the way the cascading blue strokes recreate a waterfall going into a river full of flora and fauna is mesmerizing. as cocky as it sounds, she knows she's a great artist. this painting only further proves her point. she wishes she was good at romance as she's with her paints and brushes.

maybe her luck will turn around soon and she'll be able to give nick the one thing she hasn't been able to give him: a complete family. it's in the universe's hands now.

* * *

when the clock turns to 9:14 pm, tyler feels even more stressed than he's ever felt before. he types away at his computer; he writes a few sentences and deletes others, going back to square one every so often. his brain can't focus on any ideas. the beaten worn out black notebook he's been carrying since he was 16 lays next to him in the hotel bed. the page it's open on has lots of things scribbled throughout it, none of them make any sense without another piece lost in the sea of words and doodles.

spencer told him that the publisher could offer another extension, as long as the manuscript was of the best quality. that only put even more pressure on tyler's shoulders.

he isn't even sure he wants to write another poetry book. sure, he adores reading and writing poems, but his troubled mind can only take so much digging around for content. his therapist already has enough work to deal with as is. writing an autobiography seems dumb. he's only 21, he has nothing exciting to tell aside from that one time he escaped the toxic town of columbus. no publishing company wants a 10 page book about that.

tyler sighs in desperation. he puts his laptop aside and takes his notebook to get a better look into his notes. he can't believe this poor journal has survived so many years with him. yes, he has a new one in his backpack waiting to be used, but something about his original one feels too precious to leave behind in his apartment.

in all honesty, he can't decipher what he even wrote. his handwriting got messy in this page. he spots one sentence that catches his full interest. "spence?" he says out loud so his friend in the bathroom can hear him.

"yeah?" spencer calls out back to him with a mouthful of toothpaste.

"can i not write a poetry book?"

"what?"

"what if i... what if i write a novel? like a full on book?" tyler waits for him to get out of the bathroom and yell at him for being such a terrible client. his medication didn't work as his mind is spiraling back into a whirlwind of anxiety and self doubt.

after a few seconds of silence pass before spencer replies. "a novel? i think that'd be cool. grace told me she was looking for new young adult books to publish. i'd have to call her first though."

"please? i think i know what i want to write now."

"first thing i do tomorrow morning, babe."

the prospect of actually going through with this idea...it's exactly what he needs. he takes back his laptop and opens a fresh new document. he immediately starts to type away, but this time with purpose and an idea in mind. he's gonna try to make this the best story to ever exist. he knows he can do it. he has to do it.

before he forgets, he adds a dedication at the beginning.

**_to the boy with yellow flowers who made my life worth living._ **

he smiles. everything is falling into place for once. he'd love to continue to live to see it, and he will. for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> filler-ish chapter but lots of things are gonna happen soon


	82. june 29

going back to his childhood home feels weird. even though josh goes back for a few holidays, sleeping in his old bed makes him realize that he's long over that part of his life. he can't imagine what would've happened if he stayed in columbus. he prefers to not think about it.

when he woke up this morning, his first action was to text tyler to come over and hang out at his apartment. now that he's thinking about it he should've cleaned up a bit. there are dirty dishes in the sink, his coffee table could use a dusting, his laundry basket is full... it's too late to fix that because he hears a knock on his door.

the knocking causes jim to get up from his kingdom of toys and run to the door. instead of barking at the door, as some dogs would do, he wags his tails in excitement. people say that dogs can judge the character of a person right away; so far it seems like jim approves of tyler.

"coming!" josh stands up from his couch and goes to open the door for his new companion.

on the other side of the door stands tyler, ever glowing with his stunning smile and precious personality. "hi," he says with a smile. his eyes dart down to the dog next to josh. something immediately forces him to dedicate his attention said dog. "oh my god! is that jim?"

josh is about to respond when tyler comes into the apartment to pet his dog. the backpack over his shoulders gets slumped after tyler discarded it on a corner. he needs all the movement liberty he can get right now. "he's so cute! your pictures didn't do him justice," tyler tells the host as he keeps on petting jim.

"i never said i was a good photographer, ty. and hi to you too, by the way." josh chuckles and admires the sight in front of him. his two favorite beings in the world look too adorable together. his comment makes tyler make eye contact with him. it's nothing more than platonic, but something about it feels...different.

tyler grabs his backpack and clears his throat, "sorry. it's been a while since i've gotten the chance to pet a dog. i guess i got a little excited."

his pure eyes get josh's heart to beat faster. he'd do anything for that pretty face. "it's okay," he chuckles, "i'm only messing with you. c'mon. we can talk in the living room." he guides his guest to the aforementioned living room, jim following the two. "you can leave your backpack here if you want." he points to a spot next to the coffee table and tyler does as told.

now that they're sitting down on the couch –jim watching over them in his toy fortress– josh finally get to the moment he's been waiting for these past 24 hours. "how are you? i'm sorry i didn't text you yesterday. i had to do some work for a student and then i took ashley to the dmv which we had rescheduled because of our date, so i _had_ to take her..." he cuts himself off before he continues to ramble. something stupid could escape his lips if he goes on.

"i've been alright," tyler giggles and places a hand over josh's, "don't worry about that. i was writing all day. inspiration hit me really hard."

feeling the tender touch only gets the older man more addicted. he's been so touch starved for so long. this is like the first new high. "really? what were you writing? a new poetry collection? i finished your book last night. you're really good."

"oh no, no. i'm actually working on a novel!"

"damn... a novel? holy crap. what's it about?"

all of this curiosity fuels tyler's self esteem. even if no one else reads his book, at least he's got his boyfriend to read it. wait, no. not boyfriend, it's just josh. nothing more, nothing else. they're friends, friends who go out on dates and kiss but friends nonetheless. "can't tell you. top secret! but if you wanna know so badly, it's about a teen."

"that's all you're gonna tell me? the other 99.9% of young adult books are about teens too. you're killing me tyler." they share a laugh, tyler leaning most of his body to right so he can lay his head down on josh's shoulder.

if only he knew that this is making josh's heart beat even faster. "i really can't tell you more. i want it to be a secret until it's out. you could be a spy for another author trying to steal my idea." he smiles, looking so heavenly as he does it. his hand still remains over josh's and it's taking everything within him not to crawl into his host's lap to be even closer than they are now. seems like being touch starved isn't only josh's thing. this hangout definitely could turn into something else if he makes the right moves.

"what? me? a spy? how dare you accuse me of that?" josh partakes in the joke, getting tyler to laugh at his addition; his heart keeps telling him to wrap his arms around his guest and bring him closer, but his mind refuses to move his arms to do so. he needs to stay away from any flirtatious conversations before he does something he'll regret. he clears his throat to not sound as nervous as he is, "i wanted to ask you about my parents' fourth of july thing. ashley and i are planning on driving there, it's only 2 hours away. do you wanna go with us or do you prefer going on your own with spencer?"

"spencer is actually going to his mom's instead. he told me this morning, so i guess that means i'll join you."

"great! it sucks he won't join us, but maybe he can do it another time." to his surprise, tyler adjusts his postion once more. however, this time he sits further away from josh to rest his legs over his host's. it's a little odd. it reminds josh of ashley and a few of his short lived romantic partners doing it too. tyler makes it special and a million times better though. "comfy now?" he gets a nod from tyler, along with a red blush on his cheeks, "good. anyways, we're planning to leave on july 1st. we can help get stuff ready when we get there. maybe you can finally meet my sister."

"do you mean ashley? i saw her at your house that one time, josh," tyler comments.

"no not ashley. abbie. she was born after we stopped talking i think. she's 5 and a little troublemaker, but i swear she's an angel underneath."

picturing josh having a sibling younger than him by 17 years is the last thing poor tyler thought he'd be doing today. his mind wanders off for a moment, thinking back to his parents and how they're doing. after jenna got full custody of him, he never heard another word from them aside from miscellaneous paperwork or random belongings being shipped to the apartment every so often. it's better that way. "she sounds lovely. can't wait to meet her."

from then on, the conversation dies down. the topics aren't inducing much longevity to them. jim has fallen asleep with his toys laying around him. less movement from either of the men sitting on the couch means more time for him to relax and take a quick nap. meanwhile, said men are looking around the apartment to find something to discuss.

luck isn't on their side today. josh bites his lip as he thinks of what to say. he isn't the creative type, meaning the task falls on tyler's court. "sorry i ran off after our date like that," his hands entertain themselves with the throw pillow he previously used to support his back, "i got nervous after the..."

"don't worry. i thought you didn't like my kissing. maybe i lost my technique after so long." the lighthearted joke sprinkled in his sentences gets his companion to feel better about the situation.

"you still got it," tyler's cheeks flash red by thinking about the date's end, "just like i remember."

"i'm not that good to be remembered after so long."

he scoots closer, still laying his legs over josh's, and cups his face. his thumb lightly and delicately rubs his cheek. their eyes meet. it once again feels like something out of a movie. life isn't this picture perfect. "you're that good. i don't think i'll ever forget the first time you kissed me." that memory is so distant now. he wonders if josh remembers it too.

"me neither. you weren't my first kiss, ty," his arms finally wrap around tyler's smaller frame and somehow pulls him even closer, "but i swear to god you've always been the best one."

no matter how many times they've done it before, the following kiss truly appears to be their first. josh is the one who connects his lips to tyler's. he's gentle and holds him steadily as tyler feels like he's going to melt into a puddle. with josh's arms supporting him, he kisses his companion back. there are no words to describe all of the feelings creating a turmoil of butterflies and fireworks inside of them.

josh slowly lays down his partner down on the couch, never letting go of the kiss as he completes his task. his arms let go of the small of his back and take shelter on his hips instead. on the other side, tyler plays with josh's hair while his arms loosely surround his neck. all of this is new to them. they've been in similar situations before with other people, but with each other it's as if everything is brand new.

they need to touch every inch of the other's body. explore every crevice they can before it's too late. nothing else matters as josh's soft lips keep pressing short, sweet kisses to tyler's jawline, his neck and collarbone being next in line to receive the same treatment. melodic groans of pleasure and need come out of the younger man's lips as his partner treats him with such care and kindness he cannot believe his own feelings.

the hands that are still resting on tyler's hips begin to travel upwards underneath his shirt. such an unfamiliar yet welcomed touch only gets tyler to lose himself more as the utter adoration and praise from his partner does things to him that he never thought possible. he'd love for all of this to continue going wherever it's going, but the taste on his lips has turned sour. self doubt has returned from its break.

"um..josh," he shyly speaks, another angelic whine accompanying it, "i don't want to go on." the kissing on his neck stops when he's done talking. his eyes meet josh's one more time. he expects to see hate and anger in them; instead, he sees love and kindness.

"that's okay," josh kisses his cheek. he sits up, helping tyler do the same. he didn't expect this to go much further either. "we don't have to do anything we aren't comfortable with. we can leave this for later."

simply nodding seems like a mediocre response, but josh takes it as valid. tyler presses one last kiss to his lips. "thank you. you're the best date i've ever had." it's not a big accomplishment, given that his track record is full of terrible people, but coming first in the race is important nonetheless.

"you're the best i've ever had too. we should do this more often."

tyler giggles, getting the reference from their date, "we definitely should."

both hang out for a while longer, going so far as to ordering pizza and playing with jim until tyler has to get back to his hotel. he wishes he could spend the night over, but who knows what could happen if he did. while he sits in his uber, staring out the window, he thanks whoever lives above for bringing josh back into his life. he lost the opportunity to do so in his teens, like many other things, but he's not determined to make up for lost time.

he's not the only one with that idea in mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'know,,, sometimes ending chapters is the hardest part of writing
> 
> ✨i can't write kissing scenes for the life of me✨


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